Bridesmaid Issues

[talicea7812]

Feeling unimportant.  Just wondering what some outside ppl may think...

 

I have 3 bridesmaids.  all of which I've been in their weddings (one destination) with the other 2 weeks later.

 

I don't have many friends.  I work 3 jobs and have a daughter.  My life is busy to say the least. My fiancé and I invited 80 ppl to the wedding.  some we knew def wouldn't make it, some we thought maybe and a few we thought definitely.  Of the 80 ppl invited about 10 were my guests- My 3 bridesmaids, their significant others, my mom and a couple friends.

 

I am totally heartbroken.  I sent out save the dates over a year before the wedding.  About a week before all rooms are to be booked one of my bridesmaids tells me that she can't make it to the wedding!!! Mind you this a bridesmaid that I changed the wedding date and bridesmaid dress to accommodate.  Her reason:  Money is tight.  Her husbands car needs repairs and her brother moved his wedding date from February...so it should have only been a couple wks from today to a couple weeks after my mine (which in my mind gives them more time to save.)  Oh and they have a bunch of other weddings coming up in 2014.  I have known this girl 15years!  is there anyone else out there that would get angry about this?  Her response is that I should understand.  What I understand is that all the other upcoming weddings in 2014 are more important (of course I understand her brothers wedding is more important) im talking about the 5 others she's going to.  I have attended 3 destination weddings.  Each time I received a save the date I began saving.  I planned and budgeted and sacrificed my dream car, my wedding savings, nights out...so much.  Is it wrong to expect that in return?

 

Then there's my other 2 girls.  Most ppl attending the wedding are staying at least 3 days.  my 2 bm's are staying 2 and neither one is bringing the significant other!  I know I should be thankful that they are even coming but when I planned this wedding...all I wanted was to have my "best friends" there.  We are planning a big club night the day b4 they get there bc the majority of friends our age will be there...plus we don't want to do it Friday (the night b4 the wedding) so basically I will be surrounded by ppl who are there for my fiancé- not me.  It really hurts. this is not the first time I've been let down by these girls- my grad party neither showed...my baby shower

 

just looking for outside opinions.

[TammyWright]

I am sorry you are going through this.  No matter what anyone tells you, it is still going to sting.  You have every right to be upset and angry.

 

As someone who had a destination wedding and had some people let me down, trust me when I say the people that are supposed to be at your wedding will be.

 

Sometimes old friendships change and it is time to make new ones.

 

I am only still good friends with a handful of people that I grew up with.  People change.  Some people were great "party" friends, others were great study buddies, others great shopping friends...well my life is now about my family so our best friends now are other parents with kids the same age.

 

Also, as someone with kids, too much stuff going on, it would be hard for me to go to a destination wedding for a friend right now.  If it was a great friend, I would make it happen but it would be hard.

 

[krisdaversa]

@@talicea7812 I'm sorry to hear your situation. I think no matter what her reason was it was going to hurt no matter what. I think being angry and feeling hurt is very normal. I am in the same boat as you, one of my very good friends said she was going and when I let her know about the deposit she backed out. I was angry and hurt for a few days but let it go.

 

I totally understand that a destination wedding is an investment for everyone with money and vacation time from work (if they have vacation or they lose pay). I think you should just try and put yourself on her side of things, if she really is a good friend try and understand maybe there is more then just want she is saying?

 

Maybe talk to her and see if she can just come and not her husband? maybe stay at a cheaper hotel?

 

At the end of the day you have to decide if your friendship is worth saving and if you can move past it.

[talicea7812]

@@krisdaversa

 

We did talk about it.  Originally when I was collecting RSVPs she said she would be coming w/o her husband.  Whatever...kinda upset but not a big deal.  however at that point I almost expected her to back out.  she is the very clingy type and almost has anxiety when away from her husband.

 

When it comes to her situation I just keep thinking back to the year of her wedding and my other bridesmaids.  they were 2 weeks apart.  it was a huge sacrifice for me to be in both.  One was a destination wedding & destination bachelorette party. 

 

I understand $$ is tight.  my fi and I do not make a lot of money and every xtra dollar goes to the wedding.  I feel like a fool.  Here I am in desperate need of things for my self (I won't go into detail) but instead of putting money into myself I was so worried about buying the girls awesome gifts. 

 

Like you said...friendships need to be re-evaluated.  The relationships seem to be very one sided.

[girlinthecity97]

@@talicea7812 - my heart is breaking for you & agree with @@krisdaversa & @.  Like you, I'm the fiercely loyal type and would/will always go above and beyond for anyone I consider a true friend.   Over time, I have learned (as Tammy mentioned) that friendships evolve and sometimes you have to part ways with people you never thought you'd spit from.  Some I cut completely because their actions were simply not that of a friend - for others, I didn't cut them altogether but am more "selfish" & don't feel guilty about saying no to invites etc...

 

To help me get over negative situations/people & disappointments, I make a list of the positives and refer to it anytime I feel hurt/angry because expending energy on those people/situations isn't worth it. As an outsider, I'd say your positives begin with getting married to your guy, in a beautiful location, surrounded by your daughter & other friends/family who, like Tammy said, are meant to be there and love/support you guys enough to make the investment to attend!

[acw271011]

Feeling unimportant.  Just wondering what some outside ppl may think...

 

I have 3 bridesmaids.  all of which I've been in their weddings (one destination) with the other 2 weeks later.

 

I don't have many friends.  I work 3 jobs and have a daughter.  My life is busy to say the least. My fiancé and I invited 80 ppl to the wedding.  some we knew def wouldn't make it, some we thought maybe and a few we thought definitely.  Of the 80 ppl invited about 10 were my guests- My 3 bridesmaids, their significant others, my mom and a couple friends.

 

I am totally heartbroken.  I sent out save the dates over a year before the wedding.  About a week before all rooms are to be booked one of my bridesmaids tells me that she can't make it to the wedding!!! Mind you this a bridesmaid that I changed the wedding date and bridesmaid dress to accommodate.  Her reason:  Money is tight.  Her husbands car needs repairs and her brother moved his wedding date from February...so it should have only been a couple wks from today to a couple weeks after my mine (which in my mind gives them more time to save.)  Oh and they have a bunch of other weddings coming up in 2014.  I have known this girl 15years!  is there anyone else out there that would get angry about this?  Her response is that I should understand.  What I understand is that all the other upcoming weddings in 2014 are more important (of course I understand her brothers wedding is more important) im talking about the 5 others she's going to.  I have attended 3 destination weddings.  Each time I received a save the date I began saving.  I planned and budgeted and sacrificed my dream car, my wedding savings, nights out...so much.  Is it wrong to expect that in return?

 

Then there's my other 2 girls.  Most ppl attending the wedding are staying at least 3 days.  my 2 bm's are staying 2 and neither one is bringing the significant other!  I know I should be thankful that they are even coming but when I planned this wedding...all I wanted was to have my "best friends" there.  We are planning a big club night the day b4 they get there bc the majority of friends our age will be there...plus we don't want to do it Friday (the night b4 the wedding) so basically I will be surrounded by ppl who are there for my fiancé- not me.  It really hurts. this is not the first time I've been let down by these girls- my grad party neither showed...my baby shower

 

just looking for outside opinions.

 

If it's any consolation, we had everyone cancel on us, or pretty much. We're older and have grown children but we still got a lot of enthusiasm when we said we were getting married in Jamaica. When it actually came time to book though.... well that was a different story. The excuses started. Then when other people starting hearing about the cancellations, it just snowballed from there because everyone was afraid they weren't going to get the cheaper group rate! We figured well, we were going ahead with it anyway. What the heck. We still had our friends that were going to stand up for us. Right? Guess how long that lasted. And we changed from getting married in October to getting married in November to accommodate them because they were worried about hurricanes! So when it came right down to it, I was pretty down about it all. You can read all my postings on here lol. I felt the same way that us getting married, because it was second time around for us, that it wasn't important enough to people. It nearly split my husband and I up and we had been together 10 years then. But he put his foot down and said basically too bad for everyone else. They were going to miss out on a wonderful vacation and being there for our wedding and we were just going to go ahead anyway. So we did. We put our date back to what WE wanted, not somebody else and the wedding coordinators at the Gran Bahia Principe Jamaica were our witnesses. We had a wonderful time, our photographer was our only dinner guest, they did a special wedding cake for us and because we were only 2 for dinner, they treated us like royalty!! It was great!  And in the end because we booked closer to last minute, we ended up each $300 cheaper than what the group rate was!! So we got the last laugh. The important thing to remember is that you're marrying the man you love in a tropical destination and as long as he is there, that's the most important thing. Anybody that starts making excuses, well tell them they're going to miss out on a wonderful vacation and it's too bad they won't be in your wedding photos. It will still be a great day! Good luck!

[talicea7812]

Wow... It is good to know that someone out there was in the same boat. Most stuff I come across on here sounds so amazing and everyone is so happy. I should be so excited! In the type that ha dreamed about my wedding my whole life... But lately it's been more like crying about it. Just today a couple ppl backed out. One decided she couldn't afford it bc the price was higher than I said (she booked last min and lost the group rate) the other is going to court for DUI. Because of the one dropping out the girl she's rooming with will most likely do he same. I feel lost. Like the dream is slipping away.

 

Now im debating... What's the point of a dj? We're down 2 about 20 ppl. Only a handful are dancers. Do I still pay the extra money for a private reception or save n just do the dinner reservation included in the wedding package? That would also save us the money on centerpieces, decor, etc. I just don't know what to do. All rooms are supposed to be paid off by the end of the month. I have a feeling more drop outs are coming

[acw271011]

I don't know if it helps or not, and I know it isn't possible for everyone, but we had a reception at home 2 weeks after coming back from Jamaica. My husband was against it after what family and friends had done, but he gave in. We didn't do anything fancy and we were a small group - only 30. We found a restaurant with a semi-private room overlooking lake ontario, hired a photographer, had a dinner and a DJ, a tiny cake to cut and another first dance and had a super time. Believe it or not, we had family come from 3,000 miles away that had said Jamaica was out for them. It was easier to manage just a flight so they did. We got our family pictures with our kids that I wanted - it was the first time we had all of them together at the same time in about 5 years. My husband did a slide show of our wedding pics from Jamaica and that ran onscreen for the evening. By the end of the night, the rest of the restaurant was full so we had people stopping by and congratulating us and laughing with us. It turned out to be a great night! Maybe that's something for you to consider. As Tammy said, in this economy a trip south isn't always possible for people. They may be on board to start with but when it comes to actually committing the funds, it doesn't work out. But there are so many different ways you can have a party and have people celebrate with you after your marriage. Even if it's just getting a hall, some finger foods, a DJ and a cash bar! There are no hard and fast rules. Anyway, all the best. I hope things work out for you, but I'm sure they will! I think if you look in my profile gallery there's a pic there. Good luck!

[talicea7812]

we are actually planning on doing a small church wedding at home.  we have a cousin in NY that has a severe chlorine allergy (so much that she can't stay in a hotel with a pool) and a grandmom who's terrified of flying.  This way ppl who we feel had legit reasons for not making it could be a part of the religious aspect of it.

 

I have mixed emotions on the AHR...even if it is small. WE're already putting out money in Mexico to celebrate.  I just have such a bad taste in my mouth over everything.  Hopefully that will go away when the situations aren't so fresh.  With this wedding I feel like common courtesies have just flown out the window. 

 

We have a cousin who was engaged after us...then set her date a month b4 us.  So of course we don't expect her to come to the wedding...but when it came to RSVPing...she wouldn't even respond no.  She was one of the ppl that we knew wouldn't come... and of all ppl...she should know to respond.  Her invites just came in the mail. guess who won't be RSVPing to that one.

[acw271011]

well they say that the 2 things that bring out the worst in families are weddings and funerals. I can say from experience that it sucks but don't allow other people to bring down your excitement about your own day. nobody is worth that. they aren't the one that you will be living with daily when you're married. the man you're marrying is the most important person, next to you. in this whole spectacle. what makes the two of you happy is all that counts!