Long story - Advice needed

[beachbride08]

Ok, I will try to make this as short as possible. We have been talking about/planning our destination wedding since February. We wanted to make sure at least our immediate families and close friends would be able to come so we included them from the beginning. Everyone on both sides said they would come. Once we finally picked a resort (Iberostar) we sent out an email letting everyone know what the '07 rates were for 7 nights, but let them know they had the option of staying a shorter time and that the rates could go up or down for '08 and we wouldn't know exact prices until the flight schedules were available. Again, everyone said they would still come. About a week after we confirmed our wedding date my FIs brother told his mother that he wasn't coming to our wedding because he didn't want the kids going to Mexico. She told my FI and of course he was upset since him and this brother are really close (he was going to ask him to be his best man, and he is not as close with his other brother). A few days later his brother came over and asked FI if he was mad that he wasn't coming to the wedding. He said of course he was upset because he wants his brother and his family at his wedding.

 

His brother flipped a switch and went off on FI that he is only thinking of himself, and is putting his feelings before his kids (he has a 2 year old, and a 6 month old) and we shouldn't be expecting people to pay all this money to come to his wedding. When FI was his best man in his wedding he didn't throw him a bachelor party and didn't give him a lot of money for a wedding gift. My FI was 15 when he was the best man for his brother's wedding and obviously at 15 didn't have a lot of money and couldn't take his brother out anywhere for a bachelor party since he couldn't even drive let alone drink. FI said that we weren't expecting anyone to come, but tried to plan the wedding in a location that everyone could get to and afford and that is why we included everyone in the planning process before we booked anything and he said he would be there no matter what. His brother continued to yell at him and then proceeded to tell FI that his kids are on the top of his totem pole and FI was on the bottom and a few other remarks and charged at FI like he was going to punch him and then left.

 

Two days later was FI's niece's baptism which we went to. They excluded us from the family picture, wouldn't let me take a picture of the baby, and didn't talk to us at all that day. It also happened to be his brother's wife's b-day so we gave her a gift and she didn't even say thank you. We have tried to be the bigger people despite all the horrible things that were said, but the situation has escalated. When we sent out our engagement announcements FI's brother asked his mother if we were expecting a gift. No, of course we were not expecting a gift, it is an announcement! We even told my FMIL that we didn't want to have an engagement party (she offered to throw one for us) because we didn't want people to feel the need to give us gifts we just want people to come to the wedding.

 

A few weeks ago we brought dinner over to my future in-laws house and his brother, wife and kids showed up. FI's sister-in-law came in the kitchen with the baby and asked my FMIL if she wanted to take her and left the room. Apparently, she ran into the living room and told her husband that she said hello to us and we didn't say hello to her and she didn't feel welcome in the family. If she did say hello none of us heard it, and btw neither one of them has said congratulations to me or my FI about getting engaged-yet she is the one that doesn't feel welcome.

 

Last week FI's cousin called his brother to set up a play date for their kids. Apparently, she heard about the fight from someone (we're not sure who, as we have not spoken about it with anyone -until now that I am posting it on here!) and said "I heard you're not going to the wedding because it is too expensive". He then called my FMIL and blew a gasket that we are spreading rumors about him not having money, and that is not the reason he is not going (yet everytime he brings it up money is always discussed), and that he is not going because his kids are going to get sick (FI told him the kids didn't have to come, he could come by himself and he said he had to be with his kids).

 

The whole situation is completely ridiculous, and I am so fed up. His brother is acting like an immature baby and this whole thing could have been avoided if he would have just gone to FI and said I would love to be there, but can't afford it or just simply said he didn't want to go-end of story. Instead, he is throwing around all these excuses, bringing up money (although he says it has nothing to do with money), and the kids and all this other stuff. Then the wife is playing games with the not saying hello crap.

 

Here is where I need advise. FI does not want to invite his brother to the wedding, and quite frankly I don't either. We have tried including them, but there is always some comment made. We just sent out the STDs last week and did not send one to them. Do you think we should still send it, or forget about them all together?

[Jackie]

I know feelings are strong right now but I would still send one. At least you can always say (when he eventually regrets not going) that you tried to include him.

 

I think almost everyone of us has had some kind of issue similar to yours. It just comes with the territory of having a DW. It does make you feel so horible though and mad at the same time. my Fiances mom did this to us to not as bad as your brother in law but to some extent but now she is comming and is very excited but still bitches a little.

[Spazz]

Wow, that's a really tough situation. Good for the two of you for being the bigger people. I wouldn't be able to do that, I would definitely have gone off on someone by now! If they were friends or other relatives other than immediate family, I would say forget them. But, it is his brother and they were very close til recently. I think you should continue to act the way you are (even if you feel like screaming) and invite them. Otherwise, it will be a source of conflict for the rest of your lives. You cannot avoid them since they are close family and you don't want them and the rest of the family to turn it around and blame it on you and your FI. I'm starting to ramble and talk in circles....I hope you get what I'm saying.

[Yari]

Wow, that is a very tough situation. I am so sorry.

 

If I were in your situation I would send him a STD, only because he is your FI's brother. I know he is acting like an immature jerk, but there might be a lot of reasons why he is acting this way. Perhaps he is jealous, maybe he wants to go but his wife doesn't and they got into a fight about it, etc...there could be a million reasons. This of course doesn't make it right, but by sending their family a STD you and your FI are acting like the better person.

 

I hope this helps and good luck!

[beachbride08]

Perhaps he is jealous, maybe he wants to go but his wife doesn't and they got into a fight about it, etc...there could be a million reasons. This of course doesn't make it right, but by sending their family a STD you and your FI are acting like the better person.

 

I do think he is jealous. The most recent thing, was that he told my FMIL that when he and his wife brought up the idea of having a DW when they were getting married she said she wouldn't go so they didn't have one, but now she is coming to ours. My FMIL said she never said that, and in a way they did have a DW because their wedding was in WI so everyone still had to travel there although not as far as Mexico. She said that it is our wedding and this is what we are choosing to do because it is what we want and what we can afford. On a side note, we know he has the money to go he is just choosing not to.

[Can'tHardlyWait]

Without reading anyone else's comments, my gut instinct says to send it. It sounds like you and your FI have worked really hard to be mature in this awkward and painful situation. If I were you, I would follow that mentality through to the end and let them be the ones to act like children. That being said, I just want to add that this is such a crappy thing for your FI's brother to do to you guys! I mean, seriously, its your wedding... sounds like there is something else going on with him because it's just too weird that he would go along with everything and all of the sudden flip out.

[Alyssa]

i haven't read through the other comments yet but my first reaction is to send him the STD. I totally understand where you are coming from but at the end of the day you still need to feel good about yourselves and you may regret excluding him. let him be the one who chooses to exclude himself.

[Allaballa]

I wouldn't send it I would deliver it PERSONALLY and say that you are family regardless of whether they are at the wedding or not. Your wedding is just one day (an important day, but a day none the less) you will be family forever. In all honesty, when you do a DW you need to be ok that everyone who you want will not be there.

 

If you don't address it now, the issue of your wedding will plague your relationship for the rest of your life. There seems to be some underlying issues there and you may not ever get to the bottom of those issues but you need to communicate with them directly and lay everything on the table.

 

I wish you luck and you deserve to start out in this family on the right foot.

[amyh]

I'm a big believer in "Kill them with Kindness"

 

I say send it. If you don't then all they'll change from not going because of the kids to not going because they were not invited.

[-Kate-]

The whole situation sucks!! I'm so sorry for you guys!

 

As for the STD and invite - you need to send it. You are already being the bigger couple, don't stop now. Put the ball in the bro's court and let him decide what is right. There is something else going on with him (sounds like jealousy) and he needs to deal with that on his own. You do what you know is right, invite him, and see what happens.