Picked the wrong Maid of Honour

[deedeelala]

I am in some serious need of advice right now. I am doubting my choice for my Maid of Honour.... Here is a bit of background:  I have known her for about 5 years and she used to be my best friend, the last few years however, we have barely seen each other and she always uses the fact that we are both in school as an excuse; but even during the summer break I have only seen her twice. She has been together with her boyfriend for 11 years and I know it must have been hard for her to find out that I got engaged sooner than her. I never assumed that this could get in the way of her being excited for me so I asked her to be my MOH and she agreed. I thought she would be very happy for me, but it took her a good week and only after me texting her to meet up a few times she agreed to meet me for a quick coffee and talk. She told me she was going through some family issues and there was lots going on in her life so that's why she couldn't come see me sooner.

 

Anyway I told her that many people had been asking us about an engagement party but that my parents had already told me they would not be able to host it for us but would help us pay for the wedding instead; I guess part of me was hoping that she would offer to organize it but she never did and I ended up saying I was going to organize it myself. Her response was oh so you are having an engagement party & a bridal shower & a destination wedding? That will be too expensive for people. I said I wasn't expecting any gifts for the engagement party and I mainly wanted to do it so that close family and friends could get together and celebrate. She didn't seem too excited. I then told her how I wanted to do a bridesmaids meet and greet and we set up a date. She didn't offer to help plan anything for the meet and greet and it wasn't until I called her the day before to ask her if she thought I should get anything else and told her how other bridesmaids were bringing a few snacks and drinks, that's when she offered to bring a few snacks.

 

That was the last time I heard from her about the wedding or about anything at all. She didn't come to my birthday, which did hurt me a little because on her birthday I kept my whole day open and she said she wasn't doing anything even though I told her I would like to take her out for dinner and could even bring our guys along. I bought her a cake which we ate at the bridesmaids meet and greet, and for my birthday she went camping a few days before but was supposed to be back and ended up staying the extra day.

 

I am starting to get the feeling that we aren't as close as before and that maybe my expectations were a little bit too high. I thought she would be very excited for me and would want to plan everything together, because that is what I would have done for her.

 

I have two sisters and one of them was a little hurt that I didn't choose her as my MOH, so now I am starting to regret my decision and kind of wish I had chosen my sister instead.

 

Is there a way to tell her I changed my mind without ending the friendship? Or should I just tough it out and deal with it?

 

Oh drama........

[Mufin1785]

Originally Posted by deedeelala 

 

I am in some serious need of advice right now. I am doubting my choice for my Maid of Honour.... Here is a bit of background:  I have known her for about 5 years and she used to be my best friend, the last few years however, we have barely seen each other and she always uses the fact that we are both in school as an excuse; but even during the summer break I have only seen her twice. She has been together with her boyfriend for 11 years and I know it must have been hard for her to find out that I got engaged sooner than her. I never assumed that this could get in the way of her being excited for me so I asked her to be my MOH and she agreed. I thought she would be very happy for me, but it took her a good week and only after me texting her to meet up a few times she agreed to meet me for a quick coffee and talk. She told me she was going through some family issues and there was lots going on in her life so that's why she couldn't come see me sooner.

 

Anyway I told her that many people had been asking us about an engagement party but that my parents had already told me they would not be able to host it for us but would help us pay for the wedding instead; I guess part of me was hoping that she would offer to organize it but she never did and I ended up saying I was going to organize it myself. Her response was oh so you are having an engagement party & a bridal shower & a destination wedding? That will be too expensive for people. I said I wasn't expecting any gifts for the engagement party and I mainly wanted to do it so that close family and friends could get together and celebrate. She didn't seem too excited. I then told her how I wanted to do a bridesmaids meet and greet and we set up a date. She didn't offer to help plan anything for the meet and greet and it wasn't until I called her the day before to ask her if she thought I should get anything else and told her how other bridesmaids were bringing a few snacks and drinks, that's when she offered to bring a few snacks.

 

That was the last time I heard from her about the wedding or about anything at all. She didn't come to my birthday, which did hurt me a little because on her birthday I kept my whole day open and she said she wasn't doing anything even though I told her I would like to take her out for dinner and could even bring our guys along. I bought her a cake which we ate at the bridesmaids meet and greet, and for my birthday she went camping a few days before but was supposed to be back and ended up staying the extra day.

 

I am starting to get the feeling that we aren't as close as before and that maybe my expectations were a little bit too high. I thought she would be very excited for me and would want to plan everything together, because that is what I would have done for her.

 

I have two sisters and one of them was a little hurt that I didn't choose her as my MOH, so now I am starting to regret my decision and kind of wish I had chosen my sister instead.

 

Is there a way to tell her I changed my mind without ending the friendship? Or should I just tough it out and deal with it?

 

Oh drama........

I get how this can be frustrating.  I picked my younger sister as my maid of honor and I orgainzed everything and paid for many things as well.  She is only 19 and could not afford much and she had never stood in a wedding before.  How many Bridesmaids do you have?  Have the other bridesmaids helpped with anything?  Maybe you can have 2 MHs ?  or ask her to just be a bridesmaid since she has alot on her plate right now? 

[pongyang2001]

uh oh i hope you can straighten this out sooner before you get any more headaches from her down the road. you really don't any added stress on your wedding. making comments like "that is expensive blah blah blah" just shows her lack of support. ditch her now before it's too late...or yeah maybe you can downgrade her as just bridesmaid. ouch.

[Kasey04]

That sucks! I'm so sorry to hear about the drama. Although I don't think there's any wedding that's ever been had without some sort of drama. I agree with Mufin1785. You can either go at her from the angle of "I know that you have alot on your plate, I'm sorry I put the added stress of being a MOH, would it be easier for you to just be a bridesmaid?" or just ask your sister to be a co-maid of honor. A couple of my friends had 2 maid of honors and no one thought it was weird (in fact, in each situation it was a best friend and a sister to the bride). Plain and simple, whether you guys have grown apart or not, what she has said and done is SHITTY. But, if you want to keep the friendship and keep things civil, like I said, just go to her with concern for her busy schedule and offer to either have her be a regular bridesmaid or tell her your sister wants to be a co-MOH. Good luck with everything!  

[deedeelala]

A co-MOH is such a great idea! I would have never thought of that!... I think I'll ask her nicely if she would prefer to be a bridesmaid and if she says no then I'll tell her my sister would like to be a co- MOH. Thank you so much ladies!! Hopefully everything goes well!

[MissJali]

Ha! I had a cousin make the same freaking comment regarding me having an engagement party and bridal shower. I wasn't going to have a bridal shower but since you made a comment, guess what I will. My maid of honor is my little sister, who has her own responsibilities with her child and stuff, 1 bridesmaid is planning her own DW and the other 2 are in their own world. So I am helping my sister plan my bridal shower as in looking for the location and pricing the food and drinks for her. I get frustrated about it also. But your friend seems a bit negative, better to drop her maybe?

[Kasey04]

Originally Posted by MissJali 

 

Ha! I had a cousin make the same freaking comment regarding me having an engagement party and bridal shower. I wasn't going to have a bridal shower but since you made a comment, guess what I will. My maid of honor is my little sister, who has her own responsibilities with her child and stuff, 1 bridesmaid is planning her own DW and the other 2 are in their own world. So I am helping my sister plan my bridal shower as in looking for the location and pricing the food and drinks for her. I get frustrated about it also. But your friend seems a bit negative, better to drop her maybe?

Just for the record, I think it's COMPLETELY ok if you want to have an engagement party and a bridal shower! I am so sick hearing how people are judging us DW brides for having what every other bride gets to have. Yes, our guests are paying extra to come to our wedding. But the things is, I would NEVER expect/want my guests that are coming to the wedding to get me a gift, but what about the other 80% of people invited that aren't coming? Go forth and enjoy your parties 

[MelB2012]

Originally Posted by Kasey04 

 

Just for the record, I think it's COMPLETELY ok if you want to have an engagement party and a bridal shower! I am so sick hearing how people are judging us DW brides for having what every other bride gets to have. Yes, our guests are paying extra to come to our wedding. But the things is, I would NEVER expect/want my guests that are coming to the wedding to get me a gift, but what about the other 80% of people invited that aren't coming? Go forth and enjoy your parties 

Haha! Love the last comment.

 

I didn't have an engagement party. We had a dinner at my parents palce and invited local family (maybe 10 folks) and announced we were engaged, but that was about it.

 

My mom is planning the bridal shower. I think my MOH has offered to help, but my mom really loves planning parties. (It's kind of funny.)... so she's taking the reigns on it.

 

I'm a "Do-It- Yourself" Bride... meaning I literally do everything myself. I've assigned a few tasks to others, told them what I wanted, and just let them run with it... but if I start it... I'm finishing it.

[MissJali]

Guilty, I love planning parties and my sister doesnt. She's more like what's it cost? OK i'll pay it but you do the foot work lol

[Kasey04]

Originally Posted by MissJali 

 

Guilty, I love planning parties and my sister doesnt. She's more like what's it cost? OK i'll pay it but you do the foot work lol

I've spent SO many countless hours planning every little detail of the wedding, that I keep forgetting that the bridal shower and going away party are not mine to plan! My mom and sister are planning them and I keep being like "Oh, we should do this, or that, and have a,b, and c at the parties!" Finally my mom was like "no more! You don't get to plan these!"