My mom is driving me crazy!

[Carlota1981]

Hello everybody!

 

I am Carlota from Spain (so sorry for my English) and I am getting married in 2 months in Riviera Maya. I am so excited and wishing the day finally arrives but I am really tired about my mom's behaviour.

At least once per month she is ticking me off/annoying me and we finish arguing about things related to the wedding.

 

 

 

In 2011 my elder sister got married and she decided to have a wedding at home. She and her (now) husband in spite of living in London, decided to do it in Spain. That was taken as a bad decision for my mom because my sister decided to "use" my mom as her wedding coordinator and mom was REALLY stressed. She was saying "I hope my other 2daughters want to make a DW"

 

 

So from that moment we told to my parents we were getting married, my mom is driving me crazy. This is other kind of wedding comparing with the one that my sister had and decisions about wedding things are taken by my FI and me, so I have to recognize that from the start I was not asking her opinion in every detail (and now of course almost anything). I think this is the thing she bothers her because from 10 months ago she behaves like a child.

 

 

Some examples:

 

1) Wedding dress. I had seen with her several in two stores and I decided that I did not want to go any other place to look for. She talked me about other store that I dont like the style and she yelled me at me at phone

 

2)Later she was like saying that my day was not going to be a real wedding because only few people was coming (which BTW is other thing we wanted to have an intimate day). At my sister's there was 210 people. At my wedding there will be 22 people and Fi and I are soo happy for that!

 

3) She wanted I gave my wedding invitations with 2 or 3 months in advanced. Although I explained her that was not possible because for obvious reasons, she was phoning me several days to do not do it. In her opinion was really early giving them in November and that I was crazy!

 

4) She complained me a lot because she wanted that I celebrated my wedding at the start of June because is my parent's anniversary so she can celebrate it being in holidays in Mexico...

 

I WAS SHOCKED!! Is this about you or my wedding? We decided to do it in August because in other way the family and friends of my Fi as well as my friends could not have come. August is the official month of holidays in Spain. My parents could come in any month as they are retired but not the other people because of their jobs.

 

5) I am making small details to my guests like OOT bags, welcome cards, etc and she told me that what stupid things I am doing

 

I could tell you a lot of them, the last one is because I want to wear sandals with no heels and today it was the 4th time she phoned me to tell me (and yell me) that I was going to seem a stupid and silly bride because everybody was going to wear heels but not me (when BTW she obviously does not know this but who cares what other guests are wearing, right?). 

 

 

 

I am really dissapointed about her behaviour. Instead of supporting me and be happy for me, she is all the time looking for controversy. 

Last Sunday I went to my parents home for lunch and I showed them a youtube video about other bride that got married at the same resort. Today at phone she told me "looking that video is like you are going to make a show and not a wedding".  These have been such hard words to me...

 

 

Everytime she comes to me with things like this I finish really upset. I told to her today and in other occasions, try to reason her but it is impossible. She says she is happy to me but it does not seem so.

 

When she gets angry because I am not taking her advice, I just make like I am listening her... but no way. She repeats things all the time. Somedays I just do not pick her the phone because she stresses me a lot. I cannot handle her behaviour.

 

I just tell her information when she asked but very few. I do not want to talk with her about my wedding because the 90% of the times she puts a bad face or says bad things I am just "tired" of her... This upsets me quite a lot... 

 

I do not really know how to handle her and this situation....

[AllieH]

ugh Carlota, I'm so sorry you are having such a time of it with your mom. The ones we love can certainly hurt us the most. It sounds like there's no pleasing her. You've tried to reason with her, and at some point you may have to just stand up for yourself, and tell her straight out - mom, this is OUR wedding. I love you, and I appreciate that you want nothing but the best for me. I need you to back off and accept that this is how it's going to be. We're looking forward to celebrating our marriage with you. 

 

And then quit telling her anything about it... just don't talk about it with her. Don't give her that opportunity to add more stress to your plate. find another sounding board who is more supportive (and objective) with your planning and ideas. 

 

You only have 2 more months to go - let her own her drama, you let it go, and try to enjoy the rest of the ride.

 

[Carlota1981]

Thank yo so much for your nice words and advice Allie. I am handle with this situation for 10 months and it is more difficult to me each time. 

I have the support of my FI and my best two friends, one of them is the made of honour. 

 

The worst of my mom`s behaviour is that I have to listen her everytime saying/arguing/shouting me things and for another hand it makes me sad because this is the remember that I am going to have about her when I was planning my wedding. 

FOr example when we had the arguing about the wedding dresses store, I was so upset that I did not want to talk with her for days. My FI saw her and he told her (my dad was listening too) that I was really sad about her behaviour.

She seemed she was calming after that but unfortunately she only was nice during some weeks and started again.

 

 

Each time more I feel like is better she would not come there.... I do not ever want to think about her saying things, complaining or with bad faces at the resort. 

 

 

Once again, thanks for your help. It is so good to have this great website. I really appreciate your opinion and all the possible supports.

[StephLB]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. The only thing I can think of is to not discuss the wedding with her, and tell her when she brings it up "that's taken care of" and change the subject. It's so hard when somebody in your family is critical of everything you do

[Carlota1981]

Thank you so much Steph. Yes, I have to change argument because it is impossible with her. 

I have been very sad this weekend thinking of her behaviour all this past months. She is still treating me like if i was a child of 10 years old. 

 

Everything is also more complicated because my elder sister (the one who got married 2 years ago) commented everything about her wedding with my mom. It is possible to say that it was the wedding that my mom wanted. But my sister and I are completely opposite. And my mom does know this, but she really does not want to realize.

 

 

Thanks again for your nice words. It is indeed sad for me that all this things are coming from the family.

[maridr2012]

Carlotta, I confided in a very good and older friend of mine of all the stressful things that I was dealing with as I was planning my wedding.  Most of the stressful issues were family-related, trying to make everyone happy or getting negative comments from family members and some close friends.  She said to me something that rings very true, "There are 2 major life events that will bring out the very best but also the very worst in your loved ones:  funerals and weddings".  And indeed, it is very true.    Your mom wants the best for you, and although she is being selfish right now and can't seem to be reasoned with she does not wish negative things for you.  Just try to remember that.  Also, another older and wiser friend told me that many times Moms will try to re-live their own wedding through their daughters.  Moms aren't every consciously doing this, it's just the way their psyche works.  I was fortunate that my own mother wasn't very negative about my wedding she was very hands off about the whole thing, but other family members treated my wedding plans as if it were a death sentence for them.  It was horrible.  At the end of the day, your wedding is about YOU and YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND.  That is it.  Nobody is being forced to go, you are a big girl - an adult.  If the situation becomes unbearable even if you try not to bring up the subject with your mom, you may need to tell her just that - YOU ARE AN ADULT.  period.  If she has nothing nice to say she should keep her mouth quiet and practice good manners just like she surely taught you.

 

One last bit of advice.  Your wedding day is only one day of other situations that will arise where your mom feels the need and the right to voice her opinion on every. little. detail.  I am now experiencing this because I am pregnant, and although my mom wasn't very involved in my wedding, she feels the need to be very involved in my pregnancy and telling me what I have to do and what I can't do.  Very frustrating.  My point is, this is your wedding day.  Moms are tough.  But they love us.  And they only want the best for us.   I try to remember that as I know one day my own kids will say be very annoyed with me too, just as your mom and my mom were also annoyed with their mothers many years ago.  Good luck to you!

[SammyAnna]

So sorry you have to deal with such a negative attitude, especially from someone you love  Try to look at the bright side... my mom don't even seem to care.  She loves my FI and loves that we are together and can't wait for the vacay- but thats about it.  I was so excited about showing her my dress but I had to ask her 3 times if she wanted to see it & when she did, all she said was "thats nice, will it fit you?" She don't even know what colors I am having, what the ceremony is like or any other detail. I kind of feel lonely without her excitement. So try to ignore the negative comments and convince yourself that she is only doing this because she cares about you. We know that a DW is definitely not for "old school traditionalists" but you have our support & love; so you do whatever you want & prove her wrong! Take it easy & enjoy the ride while it lasts  Cheers!

[Carlota1981]

Originally Posted by maridr2012 

 

Carlotta, I confided in a very good and older friend of mine of all the stressful things that I was dealing with as I was planning my wedding.  Most of the stressful issues were family-related, trying to make everyone happy or getting negative comments from family members and some close friends.  She said to me something that rings very true, "There are 2 major life events that will bring out the very best but also the very worst in your loved ones:  funerals and weddings".  And indeed, it is very true.    Your mom wants the best for you, and although she is being selfish right now and can't seem to be reasoned with she does not wish negative things for you.  Just try to remember that.  Also, another older and wiser friend told me that many times Moms will try to re-live their own wedding through their daughters.  Moms aren't every consciously doing this, it's just the way their psyche works.  I was fortunate that my own mother wasn't very negative about my wedding she was very hands off about the whole thing, but other family members treated my wedding plans as if it were a death sentence for them.  It was horrible.  At the end of the day, your wedding is about YOU and YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND.  That is it.  Nobody is being forced to go, you are a big girl - an adult.  If the situation becomes unbearable even if you try not to bring up the subject with your mom, you may need to tell her just that - YOU ARE AN ADULT.  period.  If she has nothing nice to say she should keep her mouth quiet and practice good manners just like she surely taught you.

 

One last bit of advice.  Your wedding day is only one day of other situations that will arise where your mom feels the need and the right to voice her opinion on every. little. detail.  I am now experiencing this because I am pregnant, and although my mom wasn't very involved in my wedding, she feels the need to be very involved in my pregnancy and telling me what I have to do and what I can't do.  Very frustrating.  My point is, this is your wedding day.  Moms are tough.  But they love us.  And they only want the best for us.   I try to remember that as I know one day my own kids will say be very annoyed with me too, just as your mom and my mom were also annoyed with their mothers many years ago.  Good luck to you!

 

Originally Posted by SammyAnna 

 

So sorry you have to deal with such a negative attitude, especially from someone you love  Try to look at the bright side... my mom don't even seem to care.  She loves my FI and loves that we are together and can't wait for the vacay- but thats about it.  I was so excited about showing her my dress but I had to ask her 3 times if she wanted to see it & when she did, all she said was "thats nice, will it fit you?" She don't even know what colors I am having, what the ceremony is like or any other detail. I kind of feel lonely without her excitement. So try to ignore the negative comments and convince yourself that she is only doing this because she cares about you. We know that a DW is definitely not for "old school traditionalists" but you have our support & love; so you do whatever you want & prove her wrong! Take it easy & enjoy the ride while it lasts  Cheers!

Maridr2012- thanks for so many lovely words. I have liked so much that I have read it twice. Your friend is very wise! 

 

SammyAnna- I am so sorry to hear your mom is not showing her enthusiam about your wedding. My mom is also "old school" so maybe your mom is not very emotional about your DW? This happened to me with mine at the start... 

[Lucy79]

Originally Posted by Carlota1981 

 

Hello everybody!

 

I am Carlota from Spain (so sorry for my English) and I am getting married in 2 months in Riviera Maya. I am so excited and wishing the day finally arrives but I am really tired about my mom's behaviour.

At least once per month she is ticking me off/annoying me and we finish arguing about things related to the wedding.

 

 

 

In 2011 my elder sister got married and she decided to have a wedding at home. She and her (now) husband in spite of living in London, decided to do it in Spain. That was taken as a bad decision for my mom because my sister decided to "use" my mom as her wedding coordinator and mom was REALLY stressed. She was saying "I hope my other 2daughters want to make a DW"

 

 

So from that moment we told to my parents we were getting married, my mom is driving me crazy. This is other kind of wedding comparing with the one that my sister had and decisions about wedding things are taken by my FI and me, so I have to recognize that from the start I was not asking her opinion in every detail (and now of course almost anything). I think this is the thing she bothers her because from 10 months ago she behaves like a child.

 

 

Some examples:

 

1) Wedding dress. I had seen with her several in two stores and I decided that I did not want to go any other place to look for. She talked me about other store that I dont like the style and she yelled me at me at phone

 

2)Later she was like saying that my day was not going to be a real wedding because only few people was coming (which BTW is other thing we wanted to have an intimate day). At my sister's there was 210 people. At my wedding there will be 22 people and Fi and I are soo happy for that!

 

3) She wanted I gave my wedding invitations with 2 or 3 months in advanced. Although I explained her that was not possible because for obvious reasons, she was phoning me several days to do not do it. In her opinion was really early giving them in November and that I was crazy!

 

4) She complained me a lot because she wanted that I celebrated my wedding at the start of June because is my parent's anniversary so she can celebrate it being in holidays in Mexico...

 

I WAS SHOCKED!! Is this about you or my wedding? We decided to do it in August because in other way the family and friends of my Fi as well as my friends could not have come. August is the official month of holidays in Spain. My parents could come in any month as they are retired but not the other people because of their jobs.

 

5) I am making small details to my guests like OOT bags, welcome cards, etc and she told me that what stupid things I am doing

 

I could tell you a lot of them, the last one is because I want to wear sandals with no heels and today it was the 4th time she phoned me to tell me (and yell me) that I was going to seem a stupid and silly bride because everybody was going to wear heels but not me (when BTW she obviously does not know this but who cares what other guests are wearing, right?). 

 

 

 

I am really dissapointed about her behaviour. Instead of supporting me and be happy for me, she is all the time looking for controversy. 

Last Sunday I went to my parents home for lunch and I showed them a youtube video about other bride that got married at the same resort. Today at phone she told me "looking that video is like you are going to make a show and not a wedding".  These have been such hard words to me...

 

 

Everytime she comes to me with things like this I finish really upset. I told to her today and in other occasions, try to reason her but it is impossible. She says she is happy to me but it does not seem so.

 

When she gets angry because I am not taking her advice, I just make like I am listening her... but no way. She repeats things all the time. Somedays I just do not pick her the phone because she stresses me a lot. I cannot handle her behaviour.

 

I just tell her information when she asked but very few. I do not want to talk with her about my wedding because the 90% of the times she puts a bad face or says bad things I am just "tired" of her... This upsets me quite a lot... 

 

I do not really know how to handle her and this situation....

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.  My family is starting to frustrated and stress me out too.  EVERYONE has an opinion! Even my own mother.  Months ago when we told her that we were thinking of having a destination wedding she was very supportive and telling us to do what we want and what will make us happy.  Now she is giving us her selfish opinions too.  And we are just at the beginning of our planning! he next 6 months are going to be VERY stressful!

[Carlota1981]

Hello Lucy, 

How are the things going with your mom? I was so stressed some weeks ago about her behaviour that after 3 weeks thinking I decided to talk once again directly to her.

She was shocked and asked why she could not give her opinion over and over again. I explained her in all the possible ways how had been his behaviour since I got engaged.

 

After more than one hour talking I realized once again she was not understanding anything and she did not understand me. So we did agree to "start" again. I beg her to do not stress me so much and she told me she was not going to do it anymore. 

 

I hope she really behaves like this.... It has gone 3 weeks now and she is behaving normally. In fact she had the idea of searching for some fake flowers for some DIY centerpieces I will use during our appetizers time... This surprises me... Hopefully she will continue like this... Anyway I do not want to take any risks... As I have forgotten how many times I tried to speak with her before and after some days that had not been a success. 

 

So I am crossing fingers everything continues like this. It only lefts 4 weeks to leave Spain (and 5 to the wedding) and still no talking with her about the wedding... Better in this way...

Thanks to everybody for your opinions and advices. I did pick up ideas and "sentences" of all of your opinions and told to her!! You had been sooo helpful!!