Anyone else about ready to call it all off?

[Jenny2014]

So we decided last night we don't want this HUGE wedding this is all turning into. We made a small list (max 19 people), of our immediate family and closest friends. We only want them to come with us..... and we have agreed to do a big at home reception a few weeks later, since it matters so much to our parents that we celebrate with all of these people.

 

FI's parents are all in- sat down with us last night, and helped us come up with the best way to do it (most cost effective for our guests), cost effective for us... and allows us to have the small, intimate wedding we do desperately want. No fuss, no reception after- just a small dinner on the beach. No big welcome bonfire, no fire show after, no lounge chairs.... nothing. Just us, our guests, a videography and out photographer.

 

We will play the video of the ceremony at the reception, so everyone can see us say our vows to one another.... and then we will have a huge party with all of our families, friends, and parents friends.

 

My hardest part at the moment? Telling this to my parents..... they are going to FLIP OUT, say they don't care, they will pay for all of these people to come to Mexico, blah blah blah.

 

I just don't know how I am going to get it across to them, that they either accept this (as I was pretty close to not showing up at my own wedding because of the copious amount of stress and hatred I was feeling about this day).... or Amir and I go and do it, just the two of us, and we don't have any kind of celebration. My mom sells my dress, and that's it. They won't be invited (to our legal ceremony or Mexico), and we do it just the two of us. I am not impressed that our nice, simple, intimate DW turned into this elaborate, full-on huge wedding of 80 people (mostly our parents invites) coming to Mexico.

 

Please, someone tell me I'm not alone. This is absolutely normal, to turn into hating the wedding other people were forcing you in to.... and having to play hardball to get your way, even at the risk of not even having anyone there at all?

 

Why.... why is something so special, and supposed to be such a happy day, turning into a nightmare... and now me having to have an EXTREMELY difficult conversation with my parents (in which I will be told I am ruining all of their relationships with their siblings and friends).

 

[Jenny2014]

Alright, so had the discussion with my parents. My Dad is on board, and understands that we want to have the wedding that we want- small, intimate, with our closest friends and family. He understands that we don't want the big show, and that while yes, the ceremony is just "symbolic", that it means something to us to just have a small group there with us.

 

My Mom on the other hand, is very good at inserting snide, insulting comments, even when she is saying nothing at all. I tell them that we are cutting it all back, only having parents, siblings and close friends coming. First, she says its insulting I'm not inviting my grandparents (Dad's side)... which i will give her. We added them in. My Grandma (Mom's side) has already said she is not coming at all, and Amir doesn't have any grandparents who are still with us.

 

Secondly, she tells me that I NEED to call all those people and explain to them why they are no longer invited to our wedding. FUNNY, I haven't INVITED anyone... she did. So no, I will not do that. Like they both keep saying to me, the wedding is soooooo far away, so no invites or STD's have gone out. No one outside of who we specifically have told should know anything. She was the one who went and invited all of her friends before we were even back from our vacation where we got engaged. All of these people will be invited to our reception when we get home. And if they are insulted that we didn't invite them to our ceremony, and don't want to come, fine. Those who understand, accept and still want to celebrate with us will be there.

 

Ohh, what else did she say... oh yes, because we are cutting everything back and not having a reception after the ceremony (just a small private dinner on the beach), why am I even bothering to do it at all. There's nothing special about any of it...

 

WHY DOES A WEDDING HAVE TO BE A SHOW? Is it not about us as a couple? Is it not about those who have been an active part in our relationship spending time with us, and being there to witness this next chapter in our lives? We aren't here to entertain people... we are doing this to celebrate the love we have for each other, not put on a spectacle for other people. Oh yes, she also said people won't spend money and travel just for a reception, because people only go to wedding's to see the vows..... and even though we will be videotaping our vows and showing it at the reception.... no one will come for that. FINE. Then it means we don't have an AHR because if no one wants to come to it because they are insulted they didn't come to the ceremony. We must be the first people ever in the history of weddings to ask people to come to a reception and not the ceremony.

 

Oh yes, and I said that I have been so stressed out over this wedding turning into what I didn't want that I haven't been sleeping well. What does my Mom do, bright and early this morning at 7:50... sends me a text saying good morning. Did you sleep better last night?

 

Passive- aggressive BS. Mother's Day is coming at quite the challenging time this year, as I really am not up for fakeness this weekend with her.

[UMassRN007]

Ugh the passive-aggressive BS is the worst! I had to deal with a bit of that in the beginning as well, though not to your extent. Both my parents as well as my FIs parents did the same thing of telling everyone to pack their bags and get ready for Mexico before I even picked a resort, and like you, complained once I said there's no way we're inviting all of their friends, and friend's friends, and 5th cousins etc.. I think everyone just gets so excited initially and forgets that its not about them. What worked for me was just sticking to my guns and saying "this is whose coming, that's it" over and over again.  It's so annoying to have to deal with, but hopefully they'll eventually get it. And it is in no way your responsibility to contact the people that they already told to come, that's their mess that they created!

 

Honestly, the guest list situation was the absolute worst part of the planning process. I don't think any single thing had made me so mad/resentful. Stick to your guns, give them some freedom to help plan the AHR, and start enjoying this whole engagement/wedding planning time!! 

 

Best of luck!! I'm always open for a good "venting" sesh, so let me know how things turn out

[Jenny2014]

Originally Posted by UMassRN007 

 

Ugh the passive-aggressive BS is the worst! I had to deal with a bit of that in the beginning as well, though not to your extent. Both my parents as well as my FIs parents did the same thing of telling everyone to pack their bags and get ready for Mexico before I even picked a resort, and like you, complained once I said there's no way we're inviting all of their friends, and friend's friends, and 5th cousins etc.. I think everyone just gets so excited initially and forgets that its not about them. What worked for me was just sticking to my guns and saying "this is whose coming, that's it" over and over again.  It's so annoying to have to deal with, but hopefully they'll eventually get it. And it is in no way your responsibility to contact the people that they already told to come, that's their mess that they created!

 

Honestly, the guest list situation was the absolute worst part of the planning process. I don't think any single thing had made me so mad/resentful. Stick to your guns, give them some freedom to help plan the AHR, and start enjoying this whole engagement/wedding planning time!! 

 

Best of luck!! I'm always open for a good "venting" sesh, so let me know how things turn out

 

Thank you!

 

Yes, the gust list thing is quite difficult. But we also cut out some friends to minimize our list this round, and that was tough. But since we are only officially inviting 21 people..... I will give them the big AHR to celebrate. Though now that I have mandated it, I am sure my Mom will say she won't contribute anything towards it, which is fine. But then I'm not inviting the "friend" extras she had on her list, just our family and will absorb that cost if need be. FI's parents are all on board, and want to do the AHR more than some lavish affair in Mexico. Which is a HUGE relief to me... and it makes me happy that I can now invite some "fringe" friends to our reception that I would have liked to invite to our wedding in Mexico, but didn't because we were keeping it small.

 

And to be quite honest Mother, I did sleep quite well. I actually slept through the whole night! Granted, my dreams weren't all that impressive (had a dream FI and I got into a huge fight over wedding stuff AGAIN).... so thanks for that Mom, but otherwise, I felt rested, finally, when I woke up. I redid our budget, and wow, crazy how much everything dropped! Our budget went from $36 grand, to now $14.... and that includes out trip, pre trip shopping costs, passport renewal, legal ceremony, photography for 3 hours plus a ttd session...

 

I know our AHR will be costly, but if we can keep it under 20 grand, I will be REALLY happy. I am really hoping it won't be as much as that, not nearly as much as that. It's my absolute worst case scenario.... and that's for about 150 people. And if my parents dont want to put anything in, fine, then its less people, less cost.

[AlionaB2]

I agree with UMASSR007, you have to stick to your guns and be firm. it is about you and your fiance , your parents need to start respecting your decisions and planning a wedding is the perfect test and way to set some boundaries. 

[SammyAnna]

Wow Jenny2014! You are my new hero. I wish I had read this when I was in the beginning stages.  My FI Mom wants to invite all their friends...there's even a long lost cousin that my FI hasn't seen/spoke to in 30 years that she invited by phone. Thats when I lost it. I kindly explained to her that our invites were being sent out to those people we want & if anyone else comes, so be it, but I can't be expected to "take care of" all these people. She didn't hear me obviously.  After all, me & FI ar footing the bill for everything except the guests flights/hotel. I feel like I got railroaded into all these guests & left holding the bag Jenny2014... you go girl! lol

[kellisbaby]

Jenny, when is your wedding?  I'd love to hear how this turned out for you!

[Jenny2014]

Our wedding is still going to be the 18th of September. But after change after change, there will only be about 24 of us, at a new resort, and we are only going to host a casual drinks and appetizers reception at a local restaurant after. Amir's brother and his girlfriend are pregnant and due about a month before we leave for PV, so I know my inlaws will be giving us no help now. Given that we made these plans before all this and didnt invite people because we were having an at home thing, we will now be footing the majority of that bill oh well, life is what it is!

 

 

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[loquaciouspunky]

How long is your reception after your ceremony?  Like you, we are having a smallish (20-25 people) destination wedding with an hour long reception with drinks and appetizers.   I can't seem to stop worrying though that its not "enough" for everyone who is traveling to celebrate with us.  Have you heard any negativity about the non typical reception?

[Csonnel]

Its YOUR wedding day. I feel like it's 100% up to you and what YOU want. It's unfortunate but no matter what you choose to do, you will never be able to satisfy every single person.