Dealing with difficult relatives

[Sherlohnes]

Hello Brides

 

I need to vent!  I am getting married in July in Jamaica and my fiance "P"  and I are so excited, we have been talking about having a destination wedding for as long as we can remember and both our families are thrilled and excited....or so I thought.

 

I lost my father when I was young and my relationship with my mom is distant.  I grew up with my aunt and uncle and their 3 boys, whom I consider my brothers.

 

When I got engaged they threw P & I a lovely engagement dinner and I asked my uncle to walk me down the aisle (he was my dads best friend growing up and he married my dads little sister) he said yes and we all cried tears of happiness!.

 

I few weeks later (10 months before my wedding) my aunt tells me that for numerous reasons she doesnt think that her and my uncle can come to the wedding.  Reasons being, its not in the time THEY like to take vacation, it's in the summer so its going to be hot at home and too hot in Jamaica.  I let her know that we chose our date because its convenient for us...not for anyone else. and that I understand that by having a destination wedding I am asking a lot of my guests but all I ask is that they try and if they simply cannot make it, I will respect that.

My aunt suggested I have a wedding at home and just not invite too many ppl.  I cannot do that as that would offend so many people and I do not want a wedding at home that will cost me an arm and a leg. 

 

over the past few months I have noticed a major strain in our relationship.  She only txt's or e-mails me.  There are long awkward pauses when I call her on the phone and when we are in person wedding talk in NEVER brought up...in fact, she avoids any talk with me. 

 

A few weeks ago we went over for my cousins birthday dinner and we gave out our wedding invitations ( a little early, but thats okay).  She took my invitation, didn't say thank you and put the un-opened envelope in her mail pile.  Everyone else was so excited and commented on how nice the invites turned out (P made them...he is so proud).

 

The other day my cousins g/f messaged me to tell me that she is so bothered by the constant complaining my aunt is doing over my wedding.  She is saying that we should do it at home or change the date to suit their vacation schedule, she thinks we are catering to P's family.  My cousins g/f told me she feels bad because my aunt is talking to my entire family and some are considering not coming.  Not a single person has told me anything.

 

I don't know what to do or say! Am I walking myself down the aisle? I know I need to talk to her and my uncle but I have no idea what to say.  P wants to talk to them too but I have a feeling that this will be the end of what was a really tight and happy relationship.

 

I never wanted this to happen.

[lgerry]

Ugh, honestly I feel your pain...I'm having troubles with my sister too, but that's a whole other story lol! Honestly, I would sit down with your aunt and uncle and tell them how you feel, and how them talking negatively to other family members is making the rest of the family feel. You can go about it in a way that is friendly and not to hurt their feelings. Like just say something like, we appreciate your input, but this is what we have decided to do and we are not changing the plans, and we hope that you can come but if not we will respect that (kinda already what you said to them, but make it clear that this is your decision and it is final). But really, this is your and your FI day, and you should be able to plan it however and whenever you want to. Its fine for people to give their two cents but then they should be polite and respectful, and drop it! Ugh! It really gets my goat when family tries to chime in all the time and tell couples how things should be done... I'm lucky that neither of our families are really like that Good luck!!

[Jessica Correa]

I am going through a similar situation. I love to travel and I thought everyone would be as excited as I was about a dw! It's a vacation! My parents are all for it but my uncles were not that excited. When I invited one of them (a year and 4 months in advance) he gave me a million excuses and just said thanks for the invite. I was kind of expecting that from him because his wife controls his money and she doesn't like me very much anyway. My other uncle however I was not expecting to get a negative reaction from. He was polite to me on the phone and said he would consult with his wife but I never heard anything until his wife told me that she was very upset that he complained about my destination wedding. She said that If he didn't want to go then be can stay home alone. She agreed to go with the kids. I don't understand how my own blood isn't excited for me and why they are so negative about change! Extremely traditional family and I am just sorry I don't want to just have a house party like always. I have never had a party... No sweet 15 or 16 or anything. I think I deserve this and I am lucky that my fiancé shares my vision and is willing to work with me to make it happen. I decided that as long as that amazing man is waiting for me to exchange vows and spend the rest of his life with me nothing else matters. I can't please everyone but as long as we are happy together then everything is ok. I will see those who truly want to be there.

[Cherina]

Dealing with the same things. We will get through it

[DinaQtobe]

I am going through something similar...  My mom, dad, and three sisters are thrilled that we are going to have a DW.  I rarely get to see my family, and am so excited to get to spend a whole week with them during the wedding!  My FI's family on the other hand is a different story.  They have been, and continue to be extremely negative about our wedding.  In fact, my FI's father has told us that he is not coming - with very little reasoning on why.  It is very strange to me, because my FI's mom is going to come (his mom and dad are happily married).  So one parent is coming while the other stays at home.  His dad's sisters have now said they are going to come too.  So the Father of the Groom will be missing, but the Father's sisters will be there.  I think his absence will be noticed by the entire family.  It is so frustrating.

I wish I could give you some advice on what to say to your family, but the most important is that you are honest that this DW is what you want, and you have to make yourself happy.  It's just unfortunate that your own family is being so difficult .

[Sherlohnes]

Thanks for the replies ladies.

 

I'm sorry that you are all going through something similar....it sucks!

 

I called my aunt on Thursday and told her that we needed to talk about everything and she agreed.  She cried and said she missed me and that she hates the distance between us.  She told me she would speak to my uncle and call me back with a day that they were both free....i'm still waiting....

I have reached out and thats about all I can do at this point.  To be honest, even if they do decide to come last minute I dont want my uncle to walk me down the aisle.  I feel that it is an honor to do that for someone and I don't feel the he deserves that honor.

 

I'm so hurt but the show must go on!

 

Best of luck to all of you with your weddings!  The day will be beautiful and its unfortunate that some people will be sitting at home regretting the descision they made.

[DANIELLE03]

We have encountered the same thing. We have always said we are doing a destination wedding from the start. Soon as we got engaged his aunt asked whens the wedding and where. We both said it will be a destination wedding in Jamaica and probably Jan 2014. Then they go welllllllllllllllllll blah blah blah. so and so cant go, This person cant go. Why would you go away, do it at home. Funny thing is half his family LIVES in Jamiaca so we thought it was perfect. Then it was " well there is a resort fee for them to come" um. HELLOOOOO its 75 dollars compared to how much they would spend to FLY to canada?

 

My parents are all for it, and they have less money then his family. And they are going to make it work. Unforutunately my Grandparents are in their 90's and wont be able to come and my Grandma wont travel anywhere outside of canada. And my brother and his fiance are planning their own wedding and cannot afford it. Some friends have made a comment on it but I mean its about Me and my Fiance.

 

Ppl think we are selfish for going away. Its not like im FORCING you to come to our wedding. You have a choice. You either want to spend the money, come to our wedding and have a week vacation in a beautiful place or stay home. Nobody is holding a gun to anyone forcing them to come.

 

If you think about having a wedding here . What do they run these days 25-30 k? for ONE DAY and you pay for your guests to eat and drink so they can celebrate with you? Id rather spend half or less then that and have a week long party rather than one day.

 

I think the ppl that want you to have your wedding date to a convient time for their vacation preference is ridiculous. Its not about them. Its about you. Guests need to realize that.

 

I have decided to let whatever happens happens. And if ppl cant come, so be it. Long as my mom dad and his parents are there. Im ok with that.

[Mufin1785]

Originally Posted by Sherlohnes 

 

Hello Brides

 

I need to vent!  I am getting married in July in Jamaica and my fiance "P"  and I are so excited, we have been talking about having a destination wedding for as long as we can remember and both our families are thrilled and excited....or so I thought.

 

I lost my father when I was young and my relationship with my mom is distant.  I grew up with my aunt and uncle and their 3 boys, whom I consider my brothers.

 

When I got engaged they threw P & I a lovely engagement dinner and I asked my uncle to walk me down the aisle (he was my dads best friend growing up and he married my dads little sister) he said yes and we all cried tears of happiness!.

 

I few weeks later (10 months before my wedding) my aunt tells me that for numerous reasons she doesnt think that her and my uncle can come to the wedding.  Reasons being, its not in the time THEY like to take vacation, it's in the summer so its going to be hot at home and too hot in Jamaica.  I let her know that we chose our date because its convenient for us...not for anyone else. and that I understand that by having a destination wedding I am asking a lot of my guests but all I ask is that they try and if they simply cannot make it, I will respect that.

My aunt suggested I have a wedding at home and just not invite too many ppl.  I cannot do that as that would offend so many people and I do not want a wedding at home that will cost me an arm and a leg. 

 

over the past few months I have noticed a major strain in our relationship.  She only txt's or e-mails me.  There are long awkward pauses when I call her on the phone and when we are in person wedding talk in NEVER brought up...in fact, she avoids any talk with me. 

 

A few weeks ago we went over for my cousins birthday dinner and we gave out our wedding invitations ( a little early, but thats okay).  She took my invitation, didn't say thank you and put the un-opened envelope in her mail pile.  Everyone else was so excited and commented on how nice the invites turned out (P made them...he is so proud).

 

The other day my cousins g/f messaged me to tell me that she is so bothered by the constant complaining my aunt is doing over my wedding.  She is saying that we should do it at home or change the date to suit their vacation schedule, she thinks we are catering to P's family.  My cousins g/f told me she feels bad because my aunt is talking to my entire family and some are considering not coming.  Not a single person has told me anything.

 

I don't know what to do or say! Am I walking myself down the aisle? I know I need to talk to her and my uncle but I have no idea what to say.  P wants to talk to them too but I have a feeling that this will be the end of what was a really tight and happy relationship.

 

I never wanted this to happen.

You have mentioned your Aunt being the person saying that They can not go.  Have you spoke with your uncle the one you asked to walk you down the aisle? 

[Sherlohnes]

I would like to speak to my uncle about it too.  That is why I requested to meet with both of them to talk it all out. 

But I haven't heard back from them. 

I feel that they are afraid to talk to us.  I feel that they know that they are being selfish and by avoiding me they don't have to deal with the fact that they are in the wrong. 

 

I'm getting more frustrated.

[Cherina]

I would like to speak to my uncle about it too.  That is why I requested to meet with both of them to talk it all out.  But I haven't heard back from them.  I feel that they are afraid to talk to us.  I feel that they know that they are being selfish and by avoiding me they don't have to deal with the fact that they are in the wrong.  I'm getting more frustrated.

Maybe you should start by talking to him solo with out the influence and pressure of his wife. Then at least you will know his position aside from hers. It may offer some clarity.