Unresponsive Bridesmaid

[Krystal084]

I am writing because I need some advice on what to do..  One of my friends from college who I used to be very close to is one of my bridesmaids for my Jamaica wedding and I am getting the feeling that she is going to drop out soon.

 

We live a few hours away from each other and after college I was always visiting her for the weekends, for her birthdays, etc.  I was there for her birthday 3 years in a row, her housewarming and engagement party. I think she visited me once in the span of 4 years, so I eventually stopped going to see her.  Since then, I was in her wedding a year ago, and did everything a bridesmaid promises to do when she agrees to be a BM.

 

Now she is pregnant and will be due 3 months before my wedding and she has indicated to me that she may not be able to make my wedding in Jamaica.  I have asked around because I wasn't sure if I should still expect her to come 3 months postpartum, but everyone I asked has said that is more than enough time to recuperate.  She has a supportive husband and family that could even watch the baby even if she wanted to get away for 2-3 days.. 

 

Ever since my MOH has started the planning process for my wedding, this BM has been unresponsive and we've felt we've had to constantly stay on top of her for responses regarding shower or bachelorette dates that worked for her or not.  To be honest, I am just really hurt that I've tried to be such a good friend for so many years while she didnt put a whole lot of effort in- only to receive the same treatment for one of the most important days of my life...

 

So I am asking if you think that having a 3 month old baby is reason enough to not go to a destination wedding that you have known about for almost 2 years.. ?

[Mufin1785]

It sounds to me that she has not made any effort to visit you and you only live a few hours apart and that is before the baby.  I would not count on her making it all the way to Jamaica, 3 months after a baby, especially since it sounds like you are the only one making an effort to maintain your friendship.  What I have learned from planning my own wedding is girls always over commit to things and back out at the last minute or not even tell you at all.  I would replace her in your bridal party it sounds like you only asked her because she stood in your wedding. 

[RNtoBe]

Originally Posted by Mufin1785 

 

It sounds to me that she has not made any effort to visit you and you only live a few hours apart and that is before the baby.  I would not count on her making it all the way to Jamaica, 3 months after a baby, especially since it sounds like you are the only one making an effort to maintain your friendship.  What I have learned from planning my own wedding is girls always over commit to things and back out at the last minute or not even tell you at all.  I would replace her in your bridal party it sounds like you only asked her because she stood in your wedding. 

I agree completely! It sounds like she has made little to no effort for your wedding. If it was her priority to make it to your wedding she would! I was worried that my cousin who has two small young children wouldn't be able to make it to our wedding in Cabo. She has a 2 year old and an infant (will be 4 months in may), she and her husband are making the effort to come! I think you should be honest and up front with her and ask the same from her! It's not fair to string you a long with false hope of her coming. 

[safety75]

I just went through this exact thing and I had the same instinct and the person finally told me she wasn't going to be going.  I'm not exactly sure of her reason but I just had a hunch for a long time and finally I asked her and she told me.  She too just got married in May and I was in her wedding and was very on top of things and involved so I am too hurt that my wedding doesn't seem like a big deal to her.  I have other friends who I didn't think would be able to make it because of cost, children etc but they are making it work.  I have a friend who is due with her fourth baby April 1 and they have booked their trip. They are only staying 3 nights but that is completely fine with us, we are just excited they are coming at all as we didn't expect them too. So I would say if she wanted to be there, she would be and that 3 months is plenty.  My advice would be to just straight up ask her and tell her you need to know, that's what I did. I wasn't happy with the answer, but at least I now know and can move forward with planning. 

[agm04]

Ugh so frustrating.  I'm sorry.  I agree - I would just ask her in as non-confrontational a way as possible.

 

I have my feelings pretty hurt that a couple of my good friends - people for whom I was a bridesmaid despite living several states away- aren't making the effort to be at my wedding.  I understand that priorities change, but I feel like if I was able to make the sacrifices as a 22 year old who was barely making ends meet, they should be able to do it as established 30 year olds.  Not about the age.  But since I lived out of state, I still had to buy plane tickets, hotel rooms, etc, in addition to the dress and shoes and everything else.  And they act like it's an easy out because it's a destination wedding.  I'm not having bridesmaids bc I didn't want to ask people to spend money on the dress, etc, in addition to travel, so I feel like they have it easier than I did in terms of expense, and money isn't as tight for any of us now as it was then.  Oh, well.

[mscheryl10]

Look at your friends situation.....over the course of your friendship, was the reason for you always visiting her due to the fact that she could not afford to visit you or just not worth the effort on her part?? If it was the latter, write her off as someone to count on. If it is a financial, or other valid reason then have a heart to heart talk with her and see exactly what it is. It could be financial, it could be her man won't let her. There are many reasons why, if it financial, and it is very important that she be there, offer to pay for some or all of her expenses. However, I tend to agree with the other responses in that it seems that she is more important to you than you are to her.  Having a baby, other than the added cost, should not be a factor in wether or not she comes to your wedding.

[MsFaszion]

I think your friend should communicate to you what her issue is, vs. being unresponsive.  

[MsFaszion]

I think your friend should communicate to you what her issue is, vs. being unresponsive.  

[ironman]

I'm in the same situation, except it's my fiance's sister. She's having a C-section at the end of October and our wedding is in December. The baby will be about six weeks old. She's told us that she's not coming to the wedding, and I'm so heartbroken/angry/upset/frustrated over this. I don't have kids yet, so I don't know what it's like, but I just feel like if she really wanted to be there, she'd be there. There will be so many people who can help her and help the baby if she needs. I think she's worried about bringing the little baby on the airplane mostly.

 

I feel like a bad person for feeling the way that I do, but I honestly can't help it. She KNEW she was pregnant when we got engaged and were planning a destination wedding and she didn't tell us until after we had booked it and sent out all the info to our guests.

[deniden]

I think it's 2 separate issues - a friendship that is fading and a new mom who may not want to leave her infant.

 

I think she has shown that she isn't as committed to the friendship as you are by her actions over the past few years. I think prior to even finding out about her pregnancy, you probably could have concluded she wouldn't exactly be the best bridesmaid because she wasn't super involved in the friendship.

 

As far as her pregnancy and the baby, I'm currently pregnant with twins, and up until this point - I could NEVER understand the issue people had with leaving their kids while they vacationed. But now, traveling while pregnant or even post-partum sounds like an awful idea to me. I could not, in the least, imagine leaving a 3 month old (or a 6 week old) behind while I was away... this would be especially problematic if breast-feeding exclusively. And traveling to a foreign country with a small infant isn't ideal because of their weakened immune systems, anyway.

 

Hate to play devil's advocate, but I promise, I thought the same way you guys did until it happened to me, lol.