Consulting guests about setting the date

mlrose61 · July 24, 2012

My fiancee and I are planning our DW at the NOW Sapphire Cancun Resort for April 11, 2013. We are so excited and so are MOST of our friends and family. We have a very small guest list and have been open with everyone since our engagement last June that we would have a DW. We also let people know it would be sometime in April '13 since December.

We decided to go w/ email Save the Dates because we had a short period of time to book the group rates once the prices came out to our travel agent. Our guests had 1.5 weeks to depost 50 dollars to hold a spot w/ the group rate if they chose to go that route.

Everyone responded immediately and were really excited about it, except we heard nothing from my fiancee's two sisters.

When we called them, they both responded that they feel that should have been consulted about the date we chose because they might be busy w/ finals (they are both in graduate school) and they think the way we did our Save the Dates was very rude and inconsiderate. I say, even if we did "consult them" I would never reset our wedding date because they might be "busy with school".

Needless to say, this has caused a lot of drama and I feel that we have done everything according to etiquette.

Has anyone else had this issue w/ family? Is it proper etiquette to consult guests about the wedding date?

I would love to hear any advice on how to handle this type of "wedding drama".

Ploman · July 25, 2012

As university student myself, I think that there is really no "good" time for me to go to someone's wedding. I would not expect them to chose a date based on my availability. I would hope that the couple would understand that I may not be able to commit right away, and may need to book separately from the group (and perhaps pay more) because I need more flexibility.

As a sister, I guess it depends how close your FI is with his sisters, but even still, if you start asking people what is good for them then there will be no good time to book. We asked our wedding party... disaster. The only time I could go (the BRIDE) was when the best man couldn't.... so we ended up booking on my schedule anyways, and that groomsman is coming for just a portion of the trip, not the whole time. He will still be at the wedding, so it all worked out.

I'm not sure what the 'proper' thing to do is, but I think you did it right!

mlrose61 · July 25, 2012

Thanks! My fiancee is actually finishing up his graduate degree and this is really the only time that is good for him. We totally understand that being is school is challenging and time consuming, but I think it is a poor excuse to miss a family member's wedding expecially when is is 9 months away!

It seems like asking people's preferences in not really customary and causes a lot of headaches for the bride and groom. I appreciate hearing your experience.

Hopefully things will get resolved with his sisters, but now we just need to focus on all the positive things about our DW!

cinnagirl · July 26, 2012

We consulted with the people that were important and 100% had to be there. We moved our date back a week because my brother has final exams the whole week that we had originally chosen, and my fiance has a professional exam that could have been that week as well.

So we were working around exam schedules. Depending on what type of schooling your fiance's sisters are in, they probably won't be able to miss their finals in order to go away for a week. At least with the university I went to, it isn't a valid reason to miss exams and they won't let you take them later. I took a week off from summer school classes in university to go away for a destination wedding, however I made an arrangement with the teacher to do my work and quizzes before I left.

I don't think you need to consult anyone when it comes to choosing your date, however you have to be aware that some people - like your fiance's sisters - just might not be able to make it.

Branya2012 · July 26, 2012

Well said Cinnagirl! If you don't consult people, then you just have to be prepared that people will say no if it is not convenient for them, which is what we expected anyways! The thought never crossed my mind to ask anyone else what dates worked for them, but that's probably mostly due to the fact that my fiancee picked our wedding day, our anniversary, and that sort of made it non-negotiable!

People alwaysw have a way of making it all about them...

Hopefully they back off!