Best Man just bailed with 4 mos. to go - do you ask someone else to step in?

[Sjay]

With just over 4 months to go, my FI just found out that his BM can't make it to our wedding. He's starting a new job shortly and they will not permit him to take time off that soon. It's very disappointing but he's a victim of circumstance and hopefully this won't affect their friendship.

 

My FI is of course very disappointed, and I'm really, really sad for my FI...for more reasons than just this...and I would appreciate your thoughts about what to do.

 

Our invites are out and the RSVP deadline is less than two weeks away, and as of now, my FI has only ONE friend who has confirmed he'll be there (and only verbally, not booked travel yet). Some of his other friends who all along have been talking about coming, are, one by one, telling us they can't make it. There are a lot of people we haven't heard anything from either way, so hopefully he'll have more friends attending.

 

He's not sure what to do - should he ask someone else (once they've put down their deposit!) to step in as BM or will that make that person feel second-rate? I've read about other Groom’s who've asked family (dad/brothers) when this happened to them, but that's a whole other problem...none of FI's family has booked; none has even suggested they'll be there, so at this point we can't count on any of them.

 

His friend (who’s verbally confirmed) is an old friend and a good friend, but painfully shy and a bit socially awkward. I think he'd be happy to step in as a witness at the ceremony but we don’t think he’ll be comfortable giving a speech. We really don’t know he’d plan a bachelor party either. I know the bachelor party isn’t a must-do thing, but I really want it for my FI considering the lack of family support and attendance and now with his BM bailing…he’s really bummed.

 

Thoughts? Does he ask someone else or leave it?

How can I ensure he has positive and fun experiences moving forward?

I was even thinking of planning something for just the two of us (in case he doesn’t have a bachelor party)…?

Help! Thanks

[kisha311]

Do you have a brother, cousin, friend, friend's husband, etc. that you and your fiancee are comfortable with who are attending the wedding? I think in the worst case scenario, he ask someone like that to step in. It's not ideal, but it would still be someone that he knows, likes, trusts, and someone who made the trip to share in your special day. He will be bummed, and I'm sorry to read this, but in the end it can be salvaged. I'm sure you all have a couple or two that you've hung out with that are possibly making the trip, so it's not really a bad choice and he still has someone by his side that supports his decision.

 

As for a bachelor party, it's not a must. You all can do a group party and celebrate together! Don't always have to separate the sexes.

 

Good luck and I hope this helps!

[Sjay]

Thanks Kisha. We've got my brother-in-law too, and my FI is pretty good friends with him. I'm even thinking about talking to him about planning a guys night out, and I'd help with the planning if needed.

 

You're right, it can and will be salvaged and it will all turn out alright, I just hate seeing my FI so sad right now. There have been a lot of negative family issues during our engagement period so we've had a rough go of it and it just sucks having this happen too. I know we'll have a blast and celebrate with the whole group at the resort before our wedding, but I'd like to cheer him up between now and then, know what I mean? Thanks for your thoughts and support! Don't know what I'd do without these forums.

[Branya2012]

You could always have him ask someone once they book if they would stand up beside him at the wedding. No title or anything necessary. And if the (albeit socially awkward) friend is a close friend, then why not have him for support!

 

As for the bachelor party, can the BM that is not able to make it to the wedding still plan the pre-wedding stuff and just not go on the trip? My fiancee and I aren't having a wedding party so we have asked close friends to plan our stag/stagettes. I don't see anything wrong with having his BM stay his BM and have someone else stand up for him at the wedding, if that's important to him and you. But then again, we have been basically throwing tradition out the window, so of course some people's opinions might differ! Good luck in making your decision and helping him feel a bit better about the people not coming to the wedding in the mean time.

 

PS: Our wedding dates are only 2 days apart!!

[Sjay]

Hi Anya,

 

Thanks for your thoughts. When the BM bailed (via email) I asked my FI if he had mentioned the bachelor party at all, as we know he was already in the early stages of planning it. He hadn't said anything about it and at that point, my FI didn't want to ask him about it. They're seeing each other this weekend so maybe it'll come up, otherwise I'll bring it up again with my FI. I have no problem asking the now ex-BM about organizing it, but I want to make sure FI is cool with that.

 

We only have/had one person aside - he had his BM and my sister is my MOH. We'll definitely have someone to stand with him on the day.

 

We're not very traditional either - we're simply doing what we like and want to do, and passing on the rest. At the same time I don't want to hurt or offend anyone, hence my post here. I think FI's good friend will be sympathetic to his situation and won't be upset he was asked second. He only recently told he was coming afterall too. We'll figure out the bachelor party...

 

Thanks for your help! And very cool that we're two days apart! I haven't seen/talked to anyone on these forums with such a close date - how's your planning going?

[Branya2012]

Ouch, via email!!

 

That's really nice that you guys are having one person stand up for each of you. I love to hear that other people are foregoing tradition for what they want to do! Sounds like you're feeling a bit better about the BM situation; glad to hear it.

 

Planning is great. It really doesn't feel like there is too much to do at the moment. We have to find my groom an outifit, which is probably the biggest thing we have to do right now. We don't have final numbers yet, so it's hard to get too into the DIY projects or OOT bags yet so I'm patiently waiting!

 

How is planning going for you? How many people are you expecting at the wedding? Anyone booked yet?

Originally Posted by Sjay 

Hi Anya,

 

Thanks for your thoughts. When the BM bailed (via email) I asked my FI if he had mentioned the bachelor party at all, as we know he was already in the early stages of planning it. He hadn't said anything about it and at that point, my FI didn't want to ask him about it. They're seeing each other this weekend so maybe it'll come up, otherwise I'll bring it up again with my FI. I have no problem asking the now ex-BM about organizing it, but I want to make sure FI is cool with that.

 

We only have/had one person aside - he had his BM and my sister is my MOH. We'll definitely have someone to stand with him on the day.

 

We're not very traditional either - we're simply doing what we like and want to do, and passing on the rest. At the same time I don't want to hurt or offend anyone, hence my post here. I think FI's good friend will be sympathetic to his situation and won't be upset he was asked second. He only recently told he was coming afterall too. We'll figure out the bachelor party...

 

Thanks for your help! And very cool that we're two days apart! I haven't seen/talked to anyone on these forums with such a close date - how's your planning going?

[Sjay]

The initial shock and hurt has worn off for both of us. The ex-BM is one of my FI's best friends and he verbally confirmed he'd be at our wedding before we'd even decided on the resort (but knew we'd do Jamaica) so after all this time, to have this happen, ugh. I really make an effort (in life, and definitely in wedding planning!) to not worry about that which I cannot control - and this is a perfect example. FI will have someone stand with him, and we'll party it up at the resort - before, during and after the wedding!

 

We've done all the big stuff and have been 'on hold' as we await RSVPs. We've got 15 confirmed, and as many 'maybes'! How do you plan for 'maybes', lol? We're not doing an OOT bag, but a number of small things that guests will get over the course of the week. We've been buying stuff for a few months but we'll for sure have stuff to return and/or sell. I was afraid to wait on things and then have a hard (impossible?) time getting them into the fall.

 

Where do you live? My FI just got a beautiful suit at a Hugo Boss factory outlet store in Niagara Falls, NY.

[Branya2012]

Sounds like you have a very good approach for it all! We all have those overwhelming times, though!

 

Ugh, maybes! Or I have some people that have booked the time off of work, and we have paid the deposit so they don't even have to put any money down, but they haven't booked. So annoying!!

I really don't want to go overboard with the gift bags (I trust that most people will bring what they need and it's my personal belief that not a lot of people are going to want an excessive amount of things personalized with our wedding date and names! Sorry if you have a lot of personalized stuff!) but I hear ya about getting summer stuff together! I really want to get a few new sundresses for the trip and I think my time is running out there, too!

We did find my groom's outfit over the weekend at Tommy Bahamas. We are in the lower mainland, Vancouver, BC, Canada. He's not doing a suit (it would be way too hot for him), we got silk linen pants and a nice white linen button down shirt. I think we've got the most done that we can for now!!!

 

Have you posted a picture of your dress? I'd love to see it!

 

Originally Posted by Sjay 

The initial shock and hurt has worn off for both of us. The ex-BM is one of my FI's best friends and he verbally confirmed he'd be at our wedding before we'd even decided on the resort (but knew we'd do Jamaica) so after all this time, to have this happen, ugh. I really make an effort (in life, and definitely in wedding planning!) to not worry about that which I cannot control - and this is a perfect example. FI will have someone stand with him, and we'll party it up at the resort - before, during and after the wedding!

 

We've done all the big stuff and have been 'on hold' as we await RSVPs. We've got 15 confirmed, and as many 'maybes'! How do you plan for 'maybes', lol? We're not doing an OOT bag, but a number of small things that guests will get over the course of the week. We've been buying stuff for a few months but we'll for sure have stuff to return and/or sell. I was afraid to wait on things and then have a hard (impossible?) time getting them into the fall.

 

Where do you live? My FI just got a beautiful suit at a Hugo Boss factory outlet store in Niagara Falls, NY.

[Branya2012]

Haha...I went overboard describing where I live and then realized you are in Toronto and probably wouldn't get confused if I told you Vancouver.

[Sjay]

Haha, nope, I've been to Vancouver a few times... LOVE it. If I ever move to another CDN city, it will be there.

 

That's odd that ppl have gotten the time off work but haven't booked. Do you think they're hoping for a better rate? Some of our 'maybes' are waiting to get a good, last minute rate. The rest are all waiting on something... university schedules, vacation approval, etc.

 

Do you have a wedding website? We've got one with The Knot and are using it to send emails to our guests, manage our RSVP list, etc. Our guests got a STD last December, group booking info in May, and our invite in June, so I can't believe we haven't heard anything either way from about half our invited guests! Our RSVP deadline is less than a week away so I fear we'll be doing LOTS of follow up. I think I'll use the website to send out one last reminder email - hopefully it'll get a few more ppl to respond.

 

Yay, glad you found your FI's outfit! Silk linen pants sound really nice. My guy is always on the hot side too, but he wanted a suit so that's what he got. The jacket will be on the back of the chair more than on him though I'm betting. My dress is form fitting but has a net overlay with a cool pattern on it (I call it a 'sexy-fun' dress) so his suit will 'match' in formality.

 

I haven't posted a photo of my dress (yet) as I don't have a good photo of me in it. I ended up finding it at a sample sale and it's a bit small and has a number of small flaws to it, so it's with my seamstress now. When it's in photo-form, I'll post a pic.   What's your dress like?

 

Oh, and no personalized stuff. We're not finished deciding on things, but I don't think we'll have anything personalized at all.