Crisis - family member ruins entire plan to have a DW.

[cinnagirl]

Go ahead with your wedding. There are people in your life that love you and want to celebrate your wedding with your enough to make it a priority in their lives. I think it's unfair to them to cancel the whole thing just for the sake of one person. I am by no means saying that getting pregnant should be less of a priority than someone else's wedding, but the fact of the matter is YOUR wedding is YOUR priority and not anyone else's unless they decide it is. You have made a generous offer to him, and the ball is in his court now. I really like the idea above of having a webcam there so the brother can take part in the ceremony. Or even have someone videotape your day and he can watch it afterwards if he chooses not to come. 

 

I've come to realize that people will always have different priorities in their life than your wedding. I just had a bridesmaid bail out, who after months and months of telling me she was so excited to come and that money wasn't an issue, just told me that she is struggling financially and doesn't think she'll be able to make it. She says this as I watch her spend her money frivolously on random junk. Our wedding is not her priority. We have not told FI's addict brother about the wedding, because he will do everything is his power to ruin in. Our wedding is definitely not his priority. This is the way it is with some people, and while it can hurt and throw a huge wrench in your plans, you really need to do what YOU two want to do. Because in the end, it's your wedding day, not the best man's. Lots of hugs! I hope you guys can get it all worked out.

[sillafeliz]

Thanks for everyone's thoughts!!

 

As for the baby thing...I will definitely NOT be trying to persuade her to come and bring the baby...I was just wondering for my own information whether or not her concerns are valid or ridiculous. If I'm being honest, I'd rather her not be there as she is very materialistic and judgmental and I'd rather not hear the snide comments from her on our wedding day. Not to mention, you made a good point about me taking blame if anything were to happen to the baby. I'm not having that on my shoulders!

 

UPDATE: Wednesday night around 11pm I got a text message asking if they could come over to talk...while we were sleeping. SO that didn't happen. Thursday night, after my birthday dinner, they again said lets talk, but this time they were too tired. Perhaps tonight we will get an answer from them. Until we do, I'll continue to feel sick to my stomach.

 

I appreciate everyone's thoughts on the matter of my BIL coming...Now I have another question for all of you...my FI is telling me we will do it without him. BUT, this only came after they told us NO the first time and I was hysterically crying...he saw how upset I was at the thought of having to give up my dreams for them and has now decided he'd rather give up having his brother there. I keep telling him I can't do that. If the situation was reversed and it was my sister who couldn't come, I know that my FI wouldn't make me go without her. He needs to have his brother there with him...did I mention his cousin also can't come, and two of his childhood friends? He will basically have no one there for him that he is really close to! What do I do now if my BIL decides he isn't going to MAN UP and tell his wife that he's going?

 

I can't stand the thought of my FI being upset on our wedding day if he doesn't have his brother there...it will make me upset and feel guilty for pushing for the DW. But then if we do stay here, I will resent them for a very long time...and my FI will know on our wedding day that its not where it should be...but at least he will have his brother beside him. Someone is going to be upset no matter what we choose...if the BIL doesn't come. What is the right answer?

 

Thanks again brides!!

[sillafeliz]

Thanks so much for the words of wisdom!! I certainly have tried to handle things without making anyone uncomfortable or upset...it just seems like my FI and I are the ones to be upset, and no one else. We've always had a hard time putting us first...we're constantly thinking of others. Maybe its about time we switch that around.
 

[Norma83]

Along with all the other brides, I think you should go forward with having your DW.  You've already done everything you could do to make it happen for your FBIL to be there, and that is all you can do.  You shouldn't feel guilty or feel bad at all.  This is his brother that is getting married and he should know how much it would hurt if he couldn't be there.  Now his wife, well she's just going to have to get over it.  If she wants to go, then she can maybe think about leaving her baby with her parents or someone she trusts to watch her baby for a 2-3 days.  If she doesn't want to leave her baby, then she should stay.  If it were her sister and her sister were getting married out of the country, I bet she would be there in a heart beat.  In any event, you shouldn't let them be the deciding factor if you have a destination wedding or not.  At the end of it all, this is YOUR wedding day, not theirs.  It's unfortunate that sometimes peoples true colors come out when you are planning a wedding.  This is a huge day for you guys and it should be about you and don't live with any regrets!  You shouldn't have to worry about everyone else.  Yes, I know your FI and his brother are super close BUT for that very reason, the brother needs to make every effort to be there for his brother.  If they come to you guys and say they aren't going to go, then say ok, well sorry but we're going forward with the wedding.  It's going to be hard but maybe you and your FI should have a long talk about what you guys want.  I know he wants his brother there but let's be real, it's a possibility he's not going to be there.  You guys will only have this day once!  It really needs to be about what ya'll want...not what everyone else wants.  These are your memories...how do you guys want to remember your wedding day?  You can't make everyone happy.

 

I hope everything works out for you guys! 

[Traci7642]

I am a first time parent to 7 month old twins.  I've been told (by my extremely uptight sister), that I'm a very laid back parent.  With that being said, I would have gone without hesitation to my siblings destination wedding with my babies... AND I HAVE TWO!  Heck, especially if she's breastfeeding!  She wouldn't have to worry about water contaminating the formula.  We are planning our destination wedding when our girls will be 2 years old (only so they'll be walking and can participate), but most of the resorts are extremely accommodating to those with little ones.  They'll provide cribs, strollers, toys, etc. When they're that little is the time to go, it's free for them!  

[slvrdlphn8]

I think you should continue on with your DW plans.

 

Is moving the date of the wedding an option, so the baby would be older? (However, if she is as mean as you say she is, it probably won't make a difference.) Or maybe make it earlier? Yea she wouldn't be able to go (since she'd still be pregnant), but your future BIL maybe wouldn't feel so bad for leaving his wife with a newborn?

 

Jenna

[Norma83]

Originally Posted by sillafeliz 

 

Thanks so much for the words of wisdom!! I certainly have tried to handle things without making anyone uncomfortable or upset...it just seems like my FI and I are the ones to be upset, and no one else. We've always had a hard time putting us first...we're constantly thinking of others. Maybe its about time we switch that around.

 

I totally know what you mean!  My husband and I are the same way.  We try to make everyone else happy and accomodate them.  But the more we did it, the more they expected it until we just said enough is enough.  Everyone thinks of themselves and they never stop to think about your feelings and how you feel.  It's hard because you would think that they'd see things the same way you do, but sadly, they don't.  For our wedding, we had issues with our families but we just said ok, whose wedding is this? and we took a turn and did what we wanted.  It sounds harsh but really, no one else cares.  They say they do, but they don't and it sucks because it is family.  I had to learn that the hard way.  Just do what makes you guys happy!

[Fati]

Hi, I will begin by saying that we just had our dream wedding in DR last May and I want to encourage you to go ahead with your destination wedding. Just 4 of my mother's side relatives made it to the wedding, they didn't go even when I paid for 6 rooms for them, ohhh and by the way, my cousin, THE MAID OF HONOR, she didn't go neither (the reason was "she just can not imagine going to DR only for 3 days" that was the excuse, so she preferred not to go! So, I understand you perfectly, but let me tell you something: THAT IS THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE, and nobody can ruin your wedding unless you let them. I was very disappointed and thought that I wouldn't enjoy my wedding but it was amazing, because as my father says, the only person that you need to be there is your fiancé, and it is a union between two people in front of the relatives and friends that care about you guys, and since then, I realized that I only wanted the people that wish us blessings to be at our union, and that was what happened!!! We had a religious ceremony before with super selected family members in NYC due to financial issues (a religious wedding in DR would cost $900.00 and in NYC only cost $350.00!!!), so that solved our issues. I believe that you should talk to the wife of your best man and tell her your dreams for the wedding and ask her for her support. Some people don't understand the destination wedding purpose and may only think about money, but I think with a good conversation she will realize that at least she should let the best man go to the wedding. In the other hand, we saw many little kids in our hotel (melia caribe) and even our friends brought their 3 month old baby to the resort. They said that it was difficult to do activities because of the baby but they even go to a whole day boat trip with the baby! The good thing about bringing the baby is that usually the rooms are booked as "rooms" and not per people and the kids under 12yrs are also free, so if you pay for the best man, that covers for the hotel room and your sister in law only has to pay for her plain ticket technically (this is only if booked by orbitz/Expedia). Best of luck with your wedding planning. If doing so, don't worry about the lack of communication with WC, call them if you absolutely need to, and don't buy anything for decoration cuz it's not necessary unless you really want it! Have fun!!

[Branya2012]

Just a thought, but if your fiancee wants to still get married in a DW, knowing that his closest men will not be there with him, I think that's just an attestation to how much he loves you! And wants you to be happy! And wants the day that he marries you to be a day that he will remember forever as the day that he pledged his eternal love for you and the day that you became his wife. Not the day that you became his wife and his brother/friend wasn't there. Do you know what I mean? You might both think of the people that aren't there on your wedding day, and it might be sad for a moment, but let's be real...you'll be drop dead gorgeous in your dress, you'll be on the beach, surrounded by other people that love you and are there for you, and by the end of the night, you'll be with your husband! How upset is he really going to be?? If the answer to that involves him bawling his eyes out from heartbreak of not having the best man he wanted, then maybe that's the time to consider not having the DW of your dreams (hopefully I'm not overstepping there!).

 

Absolutely go forward with your dream wedding! Very well said by a lot of the ladies, above! At the end of the day, it's your wedding! Even if you change your mind and stay local, people (ie: future SIL) are still going to find ways to try and make your wedding about them. Do you really think she won't make a big deal about having to find a baby sitter for the wedding, or spending too much on the tux or something? From what you've said, she'll probably take the opportunity to complain about anything, regardless of where you get married!

 

Do what's in your heart! Best of luck.

 

Originally Posted by sillafeliz 

Thanks for everyone's thoughts!!

 

As for the baby thing...I will definitely NOT be trying to persuade her to come and bring the baby...I was just wondering for my own information whether or not her concerns are valid or ridiculous. If I'm being honest, I'd rather her not be there as she is very materialistic and judgmental and I'd rather not hear the snide comments from her on our wedding day. Not to mention, you made a good point about me taking blame if anything were to happen to the baby. I'm not having that on my shoulders!

 

UPDATE: Wednesday night around 11pm I got a text message asking if they could come over to talk...while we were sleeping. SO that didn't happen. Thursday night, after my birthday dinner, they again said lets talk, but this time they were too tired. Perhaps tonight we will get an answer from them. Until we do, I'll continue to feel sick to my stomach.

 

I appreciate everyone's thoughts on the matter of my BIL coming...Now I have another question for all of you...my FI is telling me we will do it without him. BUT, this only came after they told us NO the first time and I was hysterically crying...he saw how upset I was at the thought of having to give up my dreams for them and has now decided he'd rather give up having his brother there. I keep telling him I can't do that. If the situation was reversed and it was my sister who couldn't come, I know that my FI wouldn't make me go without her. He needs to have his brother there with him...did I mention his cousin also can't come, and two of his childhood friends? He will basically have no one there for him that he is really close to! What do I do now if my BIL decides he isn't going to MAN UP and tell his wife that he's going?

 

I can't stand the thought of my FI being upset on our wedding day if he doesn't have his brother there...it will make me upset and feel guilty for pushing for the DW. But then if we do stay here, I will resent them for a very long time...and my FI will know on our wedding day that its not where it should be...but at least he will have his brother beside him. Someone is going to be upset no matter what we choose...if the BIL doesn't come. What is the right answer?

 

Thanks again brides!!

[cinnagirl]

Getting married is starting a new family together. You and your fiance are a family now and you are the most important people to each other. If he says he's okay without his brother there, I'd say go ahead with the DW. He sounds like a great guy!

 

It's hard when you're starting you're own family because you're each breaking off from your own families and you come to realize that you have to create boundaries between your new family and your old families. You have to both stand up for yourselves and say, "this is what's best for our family" in regards to holidays, relationships, weddings, funerals; essentially anything to do with family. This might be one of those instances. If your fiance is saying he's okay with it, trust your fiance to know what's best for him.

 

And to be fair, my fiance's brother was missing his dad and other brother (who was the best man) for his wedding due to his brother's addiction. It sucks, and it can be hard, but he did move on from it. He still had a great time on his wedding day.