Bailing Bridesmaid

[cinnagirl]

Has anyone else had their wedding party members do a complete 180 and bail out of the wedding? That's what one of my bridesmaids did this week and I'm still pissed about her attitude. 

 

I asked her to be a bridesmaid after we had decided to do a DW and she agreed. When we were choosing resorts, we specifically asked everyone of our wedding party members if the price of $1500 per person was okay with them (we were guestimating the cost). This bridesmaid said yes, the price was great and she couldn't wait. I checked in with her once a month to make sure the price was still good and every time she said the price was good for her and her husband and that she couldn't wait to go. 

 

Two weeks ago we got our quotes, and the price per person is $1530 pp, pretty much spot on to what we've been telling people. I relay the information and everything is still fine. Two weekends ago, she starts asking me questions about the resort through text, like what rooms are available and which one does she get. I told her the room prices and said it was up to her and her husband to choose a room that best suited their finances. At one point she goes a long time without responding and I get a funny feeling, so I outright ask her if she thinks she'll be able to make it to the wedding. She then gives me a huge story about how her husband and her are really hurting for money, that it's a lot of money, and that she's trying her best to be there because they're putting every cent towards our wedding. 

 

We go to the beach two days later, and while I hear more stories about how bad her finances are, she also buys frivolous things from the vendors, talks about getting her nails done and tells our group of friend that we should rent a cottage for a week in the summer. (Can you see where this is going?)

 

Last weekend I ask her again if she'll be coming to the wedding (politely) and explain that I while I will be sad if she can't because she's my friend and I'd love to have her there, I understand if finances are too tight. I pretty much gave her an out and she took it. She said she couldn't commit 100% because it was a lot of money to save up and they had other obligations but she still really wanted to be a part of my wedding somehow. She also said she wanted to have a sit down talk with me about the wedding. Everything is good, I tell her she can support me in other ways and everything is fine. 

 

We never had that sit down chat about the wedding. It's no longer important to her. We were supposed to get together for a girl's night this week, and she bailed on that. Compiled with the fact that she ditched me three times in the last month, only shows up to group functions for an hour and then leaves, will interrupt when I'm talking or just plain not listen, and then was dishonest about the wedding costs (a simple "I'm not sure I can afford it" from the start would have been nice)...really just makes me feel like this friendship is done. I feel like I see how much my friendship really means to her (not a lot), and it hurts. But I'm glad this all happened now and not months away from the wedding. 

 

Has anyone else had this happen? Where a wedding party member bails and shows their true colours? Sorry for the long vent! Obviously I needed to get it out, lol.

[Ploman]

It didn't happen to me, but if it makes you feel any better, what a b*tch haha

 

Hope things are working out

[cinnagirl]

Hahaha, it does make me feel a bit better. At least I know I'm not over-reacting. I've just been like, "seriously?!" for the past few weeks since then. 

[sillafeliz]

Hi cinnagirl!

 

I saw that you posted on my vent as well...so our situation is similar...we have a bailing Best Man (who originally said they'd be there!)

 

As for your bridesmaid...sometimes people say yes because they do have every intention of going, and really do want to make it happen. However, when it gets down to decision time, are you coming or not...they have the rude wake up call that says to them, can I have your $3000 for the trip now please? People sometimes think they really can do something, and then realize later on that its not possible. Unfortunately for you, she was so excited about being a bridesmaid and going to your DW that she said yes prematurely. Its nice that you are so understanding of the money aspect...most of us DW brides have to be!

 

As for your friendship....think about where she is coming from first. I wouldn't discard her as a friend just yet. I think you definitely need to sit down and have that chat. Heart-to-hearts can be great at figuring out WHY people do the things they do. Maybe she was just really hopeful that she could come regardless of money, and now shes looking at it and just really can't afford it.

 

As for the spending money thing from her...I completely understand! Our best man...after telling us he can't afford it...just went out and made a $7,000 purchase. HA! But, at the same time, I guess we can't expect people to stop living their life, and spending money on things they want, just to attend our wedding...or at least that's the response we got from our best man when we confronted him. And then again, some people don't realize how much those little debit card swipes can add up...$20 here, $10 bucks here...and all of a sudden you've spent $3,000, you have really nothing to show for it, and you could have come to the DW.

 

It sucks that she won't be there, but I wouldn't count her out of your life...sit down with her and see what she says! After all, she could feel really stupid or just BAD for telling you she'd be there, and then have to bail...so maybe that's why she's been avoiding contact with you. Be strong and make the talk happen!

 

Good luck!

[wallabymeisje]

my best friend is bailing and it hurts like nothing else i am sorry that it is happening to you. I guess i can understand the money thing but not the avoidance it just stinks when someone you think is your friend doesnt care about you

[kellykanester]

One of my bridesmaids who was there from the begining and helped me plan almost every detail is now bailing on me and has been avoiding contact for a couple months, she came over hammerd out of her mind and blurted out that she might not come to the wedding due to her schooling. It really hurts that she gave me her commitment and then avoided me after all the input she had put into the wedding plans. But in the end, the day/week will be amazing and its her that is missing out and I have to worry about other important things.

[DaynaBee]

I'm sorry you're bridesmaid is crying "money" and not coming to your wedding. If it makes you feel any better I once upon a time had 4 bridesmaids and now I might have 1. My oldest and closest friend is having anxiety attacks about flying, which I understand. I am hurt by the fact that she isn't even making any effort to get help (for a problem that can take over her whole life) despite the fact that I have given her avenues to take. I admit I would love her to come to the wedding but as someone I've had in my life I hate to hear that she is having problems leaving the house.

 

Two other bridesmaids have just proven to be assholes. They "planned" or rather, didn't plan, a stagette for me, ditched me at the club without so much as a text and then made me feel like shit for making it "all about you". So now I'm not comfortable having them as bridesmaids at all. Especially as someone who has always catered to everyone else and now that something is actually about me, they don't want to bother.

 

I guess weddings are tough because a lot of people don't like giving up any of their own time, money, or energy for other people and you have to start looking at your friendships in a different light.  Maybe a more honest light.

 

But I have to say, I really love having this community. It's so great to come on here and read how other people are having the same problems. That it's not just me. It really helps a lot. 

[Tulumbride2013]

Wow. So Im not alone. I'm in the same boat with the ex moh. She was stoked about the trip from the beginning, then starts crying poverty when she gets her invitation. It's bs. I think my bf is stringing me along, she keeps saying she doesn't know yet with hopes that ill chip in.. Not happenen ...But our RSVP date has long passed and she's till stringing me along,! I told her if she wasn't sure I'd ask another friend to step in as moh. She said ok,and since then has not shown up to any of my three dress hunting appts, all of these appts were made on her day off per her request. she made excuses about:mad: not showing up but ya kow what i think ladies? My bf wants to go on the trip, but since it's my wedding, she has become a jealous bia. Not sure about your BM, but That's my take. She is still in her Younger twenties too, very immature. B*tchesssss.. Lol.

[Tulumbride2013]

I'm sorry you're bridesmaid is crying "money" and not coming to your wedding. If it makes you feel any better I once upon a time had 4 bridesmaids and now I might have 1. My oldest and closest friend is having anxiety attacks about flying, which I understand. I am hurt by the fact that she isn't even making any effort to get help (for a problem that can take over her whole life) despite the fact that I have given her avenues to take. I admit I would love her to come to the wedding but as someone I've had in my life I hate to hear that she is having problems leaving the house. Two other bridesmaids have just proven to be assholes. They "planned" or rather, didn't plan, a stagette for me, ditched me at the club without so much as a text and then made me feel like shit for making it "all about you". So now I'm not comfortable having them as bridesmaids at all. Especially as someone who has always catered to everyone else and now that something is actually about me, they don't want to bother. I guess weddings are tough because a lot of people don't like giving up any of their own time, money, or energy for other people and you have to start looking at your friendships in a different light.  Maybe a more honest light. But I have to say, I really love having this community. It's so great to come on here and read how other people are having the same problems. That it's not just me. It really helps a lot. 

Your situation with you BMs is similar to mine. Try to make us feel cruddy about making it all abut us. It is all about us! We are finally brides! My bf better hope she never gets married, she will get back all the rudeness and selfishness ten fold!

[shes2013]

It feels good to know I'm not alone either. I asked all 4 girls to be in my wedding and if it would be a problem with them. They all graciously agreed, and even pushed me toward having a DW. As time starting going on, one by one they all faded. Sillafeliz said it best. I can't expect them to put their life on hold & i know they had every intention of wanting to go, but please don't string me along. My best friend said she wouldn't miss it for the world, didn't matter the cost, & she finally backed out on me. Now I'm down to 1 bridesmaid and she put her deposit down already.. but I get this funny feeling when it comes time to pay up she won't have the money & i'm stuck with none. I love these girls dearly, and I assume they love me but c'mon after all the while we've been friends? You can't be up front & honest?