Inviting Some Family Members...but Not Others

cheflady · August 10, 2012

I think you should invite who you want at your wedding. You aren't obligated to invite anyone, even family.

desiredusername · November 20, 2012

I think you are very wise in your decision. I am an estranged family member (not a parent or grandparent of either the bride or groom), and just today I received a cheezy "save the date" glossy photo, with promise of a formal invitation to follow. First of all, I think the "save the date" is rather presumptuous of any couple -- oh yes, I am going to stop the world to make sure your wedding is on my calendar, yes, sirree...NOT.

However, as an estranged family member, I am thoroughly annoyed that the pre-invite was sent to me and my husband in the first place. You are exactly right, you should surround yourself on your wedding day with people who have been there for one or both of you, who are there because they "get" you and will rejoice and celebrate with you. I mean, why bring a family rift -- bad vibes - to a celebration?

I have read on etiquette websites this evening that IF one is considering inviting estranged relatives, approach them about it directly, feel out the situation first. It may well be an opportunity for family healing, but why risk various alternatives?

Well done, bride-to-be! Many years of marital bliss to you and your intended.

natalieblev · January 18, 2013

Im having a similar issue and it is truly weighing me down!! My parents divorced years ago, and for the last about 15 years do not even speak. Since my teenage years (im now 29) my father and I have had back and forths where for a year we will talk and be great, then all of a sudden he doesnt take my calls anymore and all communication stops. Almost three years ago my sister got married and only sent him an invite (which she regretted right after mailing, but he recognized that she was not asking him to walk her down the aisle and knew she really didnt want him there). She also had two kids and decided that he is toxic and wishes to never speak to him again. (Im obviously not telling the whole story, but that would take forever, he has just not done right by us for years).

I however constantly give him another chance, and still send him cards and things. For the last two years my dad has stopped talking to me once again. When I got engaged in April I no longer had his phone number and so i told his wife through email that I was engaged and to please tell Dad because i wanted them to know before i started telling friends. She was excited and happy and said she would. I know she did. However, dad never reached out to me AT ALL. Never one mention. Then now, in Oct I got a birthday card from him, Thanksgiving a text, Christmas a text and a card, New Years a text. ....STILL NOTHING ABOUT my being engaged, but all of a sudden communication.

I dont know what to do. Having him at a DW would be hard. It would mean tension between him and my mother and my sister, having to ask my sister to expose her two girls to him which he has never met or talked to, and he would judge us all for drinking/partying. It is also weird that he has never met my FI, who I have been with for eight years...as well as he just doesnt know me really. But on the other side...I love his wife very much and dont want to hurt her feelings, I dont want to regret this decision ever, and I dont want to mistreat or hurt anyone or feel that I am letting God down either. I really just have no idea what to do...and only adding to the fire is the fact that I have a great step dad who I still have not asked to walk me down the aisle and my mom would be TOTALLY pissed if i did end up inviting my dad and had them both walk me down the aisle. I just dont know what to do!!

Bostonbride37 · January 18, 2013

I am in a sort of similar situation. I have 3 sisters and one brother of which I am inviting 2 sisters to my vow renewal ceremony. My brother will not care, he does not like to fly, hates the sun and would never go anyways ( lives in Washington State because of the limited days of sunshine). I am telling him about the ceremony and explaining to him that I do not expect him to attend but he is more than welcome. I would send him an invite but he would give me a hard time about spending $ to send it. He would appreciate me telling him instead. Weird I know but , thats my brother.

My sister I am not inviting on the other hand, now she is a different story.She will be very upset but this is a decision I have made to save the sanity of my day and my family. We have not spoken except briefly on FB for a long time. She no longer speaks to my other sister who is my MOH due to an almost unforgivable act or my father for other reasons. She will cause issues if she were to go and expect everyone else to pay for her to go and make them feel bad if they don't. She lives a life I could never understand and don't pretend to but it is the fact that inviting her will cause more issues than not that lead me to take her off the list. I would rather take the brunt of the back lash for not inviting her than place the target on the rest of my family for inviting her.

AllieH · January 18, 2013

I know every family dynamic is different, and each of us is different in how we deal with it. From my experience....don't invite anyone to your DW that you truly do not want to be there.

We have 2 stories where we did this, and I wish we hadn't. One is my DH's father - my DH does not like him, is not close to him, and my DH's mother cannot stand her ex. Yet my DH felt obligated to invite the man. He was one of the hardest to get to book, and in the end my DH's grandparents paid for his dad to be there at the last minute. It was just a huge stress for my DH during this time, and I still don't understand why he bothered. He didn't even want to hang out with his father at the resort!! His mother spent the entire time avoiding his father too. With a group of 35...yeah that had some weird moments. And the first time I met his father was on our wedding day - during our formal photos. awkward much?!

The 2nd one - my DH's mother insisted we invite one of her friends. my DH met this woman once...so it's not like she was a close friend of the family that he knew growing up with. Needless to say, she no-showed at the wedding after tons of drama, and then filed a dispute on her credit card for the trip - saying my TA never told her that it was non-refundable. Uhm, lady? You paid for the trip at final payment. Then you told us THE DAY AFTER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO ARRIVE that you weren't coming. Let me just say that I'm still pissed at this woman, and hope I never meet her...

Those are my guest-drama stories. I really wish I had put my foot down and not invited either of them quite honestly.