Inviting Some Family Members...but Not Others

[cinnagirl]

Can I get some opinions on this? I really want to know if I am being reasonable or if I'm totally off my rocker. 

 

We're inviting 75 people to our wedding next year. So that's immediate family, relatives on my mom's side (as we see them on a regular basis), my fiance's relatives (mainly his dad's side as his mom's side are MIA) and some close friends. We were also planning on inviting my grandparents on my dad's side (even thought they drive me batty), though I had no intention of inviting my dad's sisters. My dad has no issue with this, by the way.

 

My dad's sisters have no been a part of my family's life for a long time, like 15+ years. No phone calls, no birthday cards, no contact at all. My parents really made an effort with them, but after being shrugged off enough just gave up. Somehow my one aunt and I connected on Facebook 4 years ago and have had one conversation on there that amounted to "How's life? How's school? Okay I'm busy, I have to run." However, ever since I got engaged 6 months ago she's made a few comments, either on my facebook profile or in a card to my dad (the first in 15 years!) about how she's really excited for the wedding. 

 

I don't consider her family - blood relative, yes, but family, no. So I don't feel inclined to invite her and her family, or my other aunt's family to my wedding when I'd rather have those spaces filled by people that have been there for me and my fiance. Is this horrible of me? Am I supposed to invite them just because they're family? Can I just explain to them if they ask that we're limiting our wedding to close friends and family?

 

Any advice would be much appreciated. 

 

 

[jello]

I would say that you are under no obligation to invite them, but it might not be a bad idea to do so.  It does seem like your aunt is interested in becoming closer to you and your family, and one of the great things about weddings is that they're also defacto family reunions.  So, who knows?  Maybe she's been waiting for an opportunity to reconnect, and this is the opportunity. 

 

Is 75 guests the limit for you (financially, emotionally, venue limitations, whatever)?  If so, you can leave them off the list without feeling bad about it, but if not, then invite them and take it as an opportunity to get closer to your aunts.

[cindy2013]

I don't think it's horrible of you.... If you feel that you would regret not inviting her after the fact, then it may be best to send an invite? It is definitely justifiable though to keep it to close friends and family, it's you're wedding after all

[ChocoTaco7568]

Hey cinnagirl,

 

I unfortunately know exactly how you feel.  My Fi and I had a long conversation about this when putting together our guest list and we came to the agreement that we would not invite people to our wedding based on expectations or guilt especially since we are paying for the wedding on our own. This statement applied to family and friends and accounts for why we only anticipate +/- 25 guests at our wedding. We wanted a close and intimate wedding with those that we love and care about and where feeling are mutual in regards to us.

 

 Speaking specifically to family, if they haven’t taken an active interest in our lives and who we are (both individually and as a couple), it just didn’t make sense for them to witness and celebrate one of the most important day’s in our lives. It would just be too phony. We have 28 aunts and uncles (including spouses) between the two of us and we’re only inviting 6 of them.  I’m not even inviting my father, because I don’t think he deserves to be there.  We spoke with our parents regarding our guest list, and they back us 100%. I think this is just an unfortunate reality for some families, and weddings call attention to it. I firmly believe that the estranged family members who want to come to my wedding, want the invite for the wrong reasons. I don’t think it has anything to do with my FI and I uniting as one or an effort to rekindle our relationship.

 

Best of luck with your guest list decision. Follow your heart and everything will work out the way it’s supposed to.

 

Originally Posted by cinnagirl 

I don't consider her family - blood relative, yes, but family, no. So I don't feel inclined to invite her and her family, or my other aunt's family to my wedding when I'd rather have those spaces filled by people that have been there for me and my fiance. Is this horrible of me? Am I supposed to invite them just because they're family? Can I just explain to them if they ask that we're limiting our wedding to close friends and family?

 

Any advice would be much appreciated. 

 

 

 

 

[JayKay]

I was in a similar situation with invites.  My dads side of the family is similar.  He hasnt spoken to his one sibling, my uncle, for many many years.  I wasn't sure what the proper thing would be to do.  My dad was okay if we didnt invite him.  That being said I didnt want to cause any unnecessary family drama by not sending them an invitation.  They did get one, however, I knew they would never come in a million years so I was okay with sending them one.  Do you think these people will actually show up to your wedding?  If you don't think so then send them an invite anyways, at least they will feel included.  Its a tough spot to be in, but you need to do what you want for your wedding and that means inviting who ever you want to!!

[cinnagirl]

50 people is our max financially (we know for sure 20 of those 75 aren't coming at all), because once we go over 50 at the venue everything goes way up in price. So I guess that at least give me a concrete reason as to why we cannot add more to our guest list should we be asked. Thanks for your help!

Originally Posted by jello 

I would say that you are under no obligation to invite them, but it might not be a bad idea to do so.  It does seem like your aunt is interested in becoming closer to you and your family, and one of the great things about weddings is that they're also defacto family reunions.  So, who knows?  Maybe she's been waiting for an opportunity to reconnect, and this is the opportunity. 

 

Is 75 guests the limit for you (financially, emotionally, venue limitations, whatever)?  If so, you can leave them off the list without feeling bad about it, but if not, then invite them and take it as an opportunity to get closer to your aunts.

 

 

That's the thing, I don't feel like I would regret inviting her. I don't feel like having my estranged Aunts would add anything to my wedding day. Thanks for the advice, I'm gonna stick to my guns on this one.

Originally Posted by cindy2013 

I don't think it's horrible of you.... If you feel that you would regret not inviting her after the fact, then it may be best to send an invite? It is definitely justifiable though to keep it to close friends and family, it's you're wedding after all

 

 

 

 

 

[cinnagirl]

I really like how you put that: "if they haven't taken an active interest in our lives and who we are, it just didn't make sense for them to witness and celebrate one of the most important day's in our lives." That's exactly how I feel. What's so important about the wedding that it suddenly makes you want to participate in my life when you haven't been there at all for however many years? Funny thing is, she hasn't even come to me telling me how excited she is for the wedding, it's only been through my parents. Thanks for your advice, and I'll be sticking to my original plan with this one and not inviting those Aunts.

Originally Posted by ChocoTaco7568 

Hey cinnagirl,

 

I unfortunately know exactly how you feel.  My Fi and I had a long conversation about this when putting together our guest list and we came to the agreement that we would not invite people to our wedding based on expectations or guilt especially since we are paying for the wedding on our own. This statement applied to family and friends and accounts for why we only anticipate +/- 25 guests at our wedding. We wanted a close and intimate wedding with those that we love and care about and where feeling are mutual in regards to us.

 

 Speaking specifically to family, if they haven’t taken an active interest in our lives and who we are (both individually and as a couple), it just didn’t make sense for them to witness and celebrate one of the most important day’s in our lives. It would just be too phony. We have 28 aunts and uncles (including spouses) between the two of us and we’re only inviting 6 of them.  I’m not even inviting my father, because I don’t think he deserves to be there.  We spoke with our parents regarding our guest list, and they back us 100%. I think this is just an unfortunate reality for some families, and weddings call attention to it. I firmly believe that the estranged family members who want to come to my wedding, want the invite for the wrong reasons. I don’t think it has anything to do with my FI and I uniting as one or an effort to rekindle our relationship.

 

Best of luck with your guest list decision. Follow your heart and everything will work out the way it’s supposed to.

 

 

 

 

I think they would actually show up to the wedding. It would be different if it was a wedding in my hometown where I only see them for one day, but the idea of having to spend a week with them just sounds awkward and not something I want to deal with. Thanks for your input, I really appreciated it.

 

Originally Posted by JayKay 

I was in a similar situation with invites.  My dads side of the family is similar.  He hasnt spoken to his one sibling, my uncle, for many many years.  I wasn't sure what the proper thing would be to do.  My dad was okay if we didnt invite him.  That being said I didnt want to cause any unnecessary family drama by not sending them an invitation.  They did get one, however, I knew they would never come in a million years so I was okay with sending them one.  Do you think these people will actually show up to your wedding?  If you don't think so then send them an invite anyways, at least they will feel included.  Its a tough spot to be in, but you need to do what you want for your wedding and that means inviting who ever you want to!!

 

 

[BethSilver]

At the end of the day, it is your wedding.  Because you are doing a destination wedding and going away and going to be spending time with your family and friends having her there would take that time away from spending time with the people you actually want to be spending time with.  Having said that, you can kindly tell her exactly how you feel really.  I am a big advocate in doing these things.  You can write her a message on FB or an actual letter saying something along the lines of: I appreciate your kind thoughts on our upcoming nuptuals. I feel it is really important for me to spend time with the friends and family who have supported and encouraged me over the last (your age) years.  It saddens me that you have not been there for monumental events in my life, and I have made peace with it, I would like to share my wedding with those who have celebrated with me me and encouraged me when times were tough.  Thank you for understanding.  

 

(Maybe I am a little bit of a drama queen, but I feel that honesty is the best thing!)

 

I had to do this for my step-grandmother.  She was upset, and she stopped talking to me, which was no different than the way it was before, so status quo, and she knows how I feel.

 

 

[AmberDragon]

I agree with BethSilver.  I would say if you don't want to invite them then don't.  This is your wedding and who you want to be there, so surround yourself by people you love and want to be around.  That's the joy of the dw, you don't  have to invite anyone out of obligation.  Follow your gut of who you want and who you don't. 

 

I've also noticed some people try and come out of the woodwork when wedding plans come up so they can get invited.  I don't like that at all. 

 

I'm not inviting my aunt for similar reasons.  

 

Good luck!  Family stuffs can be really hard to deal with.

[MissFifi]

I agree with the consensus.  A part of me is saying that you should send her an invite because it can't hurt.  But this really is a day for you, your hubby, and the people who have been supporting you.  So many crazy things happen up until you get married, so it isn't worth it to bring people in who haven't been a part of your life and who will not add positivity to the day.  Since your aunt has cut all communication with your parents, she is not needed there. The sad but truth to all this is that once you move on from this situation, she won't really be a thought.