Are some of your friends and family avoiding you since you mentioned a DW?

LeashAC · September 12, 2013

Thank god I came across this thread... I am in the same situation from those who just avoid the topic altogether, those who say they are so excited- then I hear nothing from them ever again about it, and those who clearly don't support the decision (which is fine & I've never made anyone feel bad about not being able to come!), but yet now they won't even talk to me ..as if I've done something wrong by choosing the type of wedding that suits both our lifestyles. It's been so frustrating/depressing and I really just want to be excited about my wedding which is in 7 months. Just a big thank you for those ladies who take time to write on this blog as it really does make me feel like their are others out there that are supportive!

Carlota1981 · September 13, 2013

Hello LesasAC,

I really sympathize with you because it happened the same to us when got married. It was quite depressing at the start because we had all the possible situations just as you mention!

The worst for us was to be hardly critizied for the Thomas' parents... it is hard when it comes from a friend but coming from his parents was the worst.

They told us we were insane and that they did not want to go to a crazy thing like that. They thought our decision was snob. They even told this "beautiful" things with the occasion of Thomas' birthday.

They decided to go on holidays to other country during 3 weeks! So it was not a fact of money.

The worst is to discover this kind of things while planning a wedding. So as it is supposed to have a beautiful planning and you must to be excited for this, make the same that we did. Forget about all this people. Best for you, this are not going to come to your wedding, you wont have to pay for them and you discover at the same time which are your real friends. Forget the complainings and the critics. You deserve sth better and dont deserve to think about people that cannot be happy for you.

I know it is not easy, because it was not easy for us either, but repeat this to you every day, you will forget them and their behaviours sooner than you thought!

Good luck and happy planning!

LeashAC · September 23, 2013

Aww thank you for taking the time to respond to me I will take your advice and just try to stay positive & remember that it's about us!

Carlota1981 · September 24, 2013

Yes! And each time you need to "talk", write us here.

it is good to have the opportunity to share this things with people that are planning a DW as you or that had the same situation than you.

:mswink:

Jennkn87 · November 5, 2013

I'm very glad that I was told about this thread. To realize that I'm not the only one that is starting to get SUPER stressed about this whole situation. The only difference from all the posts I've read on here is....the guests that are giving me crap about the wedding are my FI parents and sisters. His mom has done nothing but make up excuses as to why they can't afford it or can't make it. I still don't know for sure if they are coming or not. She has now even gone to the point of telling me it is causing a fight in their family. This all started when we told her (before we even got engaged) that we would not be taking his 2 year old down to Jamaica with us. She knew ahead of time that we we planning a destination wedding, and seemed to be on board with it. When he informed her of our reasonings not to take his daughter, her response was always, "Thats your choice, not mine". We decided not to take his daughter for a few different reasons. First off, her mother lives to make his life a living hell. There is NO WAY IN HELL she would let that work out for us to take her. She would have to be there to sign the passport, she would have to allow us to have her longer than his normal weekends or for one of his "summer weeks" at a later date. Point blank, she would never let it happen. His family is WELL AWARE of how she is about everything, and knows just as well as we do that she would not allow this to happen. Second of all, financially it is just not feasible. I know we are already spending a lot of money on this wedding and everything that is tying into it...but to take a 3 year old to Jamaica..we would be paying for passports, plane tickets, lowered accommodations, among other things. She would be the ONLY child there, so she would have nothing to do, someone would have to be watching her at all times, AND we would have to switch resorts to a family-friendly one. When I go on vacation, I really don't want to pay all that money to be around kids all week, especially when it involves our honeymoon as well....Do we want to share OUR honeymoon with his 3 year old? I'm sure some people, and I've already gotten grief from a few others I work with about our decision, will think I'm horrible for this decision and saying these things, but in reality....does a 3 year old really need to be around that atmosphere? Everyone will no doubt be intoxicated most of the trip, (our family and friends are all pretty big drinkers) so someone would have to be watching her at ALL times. Anyways--- From the time we told his mother about our decision, (which was by the way not just MY decision, he was right on board and agreed with me about it.) she has treated this whole destination wedding thing totally different. When his sister found out about not taking his daughter, she threw an absolute fit, blaming me and bad mouthing me saying how selfish of a person I was being and this and that, which really got my FI blood boiling, which it was already starting to with his mother causing issues. She has went from we can't afford it, to his sister and brother will fail their classes if they miss one class, to they don't have passports, to his father will NOT leave the country, to anything else you can think of. His family has NEVER been out of the country, and has NEVER been to a beach. So they have NO IDEA what the ALL-INCLUSIVE part means. She recently told me, there was no way they could afford it unless all 4-7 of them could stay in one room. I'm like...oh boy...you don't understand. Even IF they allowed you to do that, the pricing wouldn't drop. I even went so far as to switching my resort at one point to accommodate them to stay at a family friendly one so it would be cheaper...once she started causing more and more drama my FI nixed that idea and said..."if they come they come, if they want to cause all of this drama, don't come. It's our wedding, they aren't planning this for us." So I made my final decision on resorts, which ended up being cheaper than the first. And have decided, if we end up having enough people for the free rooms (which I was originally going to give to them to help them out), WE are taking them. They have caused so much drama ALREADY and we've only been engaged just over a month. She is trying to even go behind his back now, and contact me about stuff, telling me he said this and that and I have a text to prove it, as if I don't know what he says to her and when. She's being borderline crazy and at this point, I think it's TOTALLY disrespectful of his OWN PARENTS to act like this about our choice, but if they are going to do nothing but cause us drama in this, when they are not paying for ANY OF IT, including a rehearsal dinner, dresses, tuxes, then DON'T COME! We don't need your drama anyways. I really think if they would just go and experience it, I know they would love it. But they are not willing to open up the possibility that they might! Grrrrrr! Hopefully everything settles down...but for now...it's stressing me out beyond belief. Sorry for such the LONG RANT! :BangHead:

flo628 · November 5, 2013

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennkn87

I'm very glad that I was told about this thread. To realize that I'm not the only one that is starting to get SUPER stressed about this whole situation. The only difference from all the posts I've read on here is....the guests that are giving me crap about the wedding are my FI parents and sisters. His mom has done nothing but make up excuses as to why they can't afford it or can't make it. I still don't know for sure if they are coming or not. She has now even gone to the point of telling me it is causing a fight in their family. This all started when we told her (before we even got engaged) that we would not be taking his 2 year old down to Jamaica with us. She knew ahead of time that we we planning a destination wedding, and seemed to be on board with it. When he informed her of our reasonings not to take his daughter, her response was always, "Thats your choice, not mine". We decided not to take his daughter for a few different reasons. First off, her mother lives to make his life a living hell. There is NO WAY IN HELL she would let that work out for us to take her. She would have to be there to sign the passport, she would have to allow us to have her longer than his normal weekends or for one of his "summer weeks" at a later date. Point blank, she would never let it happen. His family is WELL AWARE of how she is about everything, and knows just as well as we do that she would not allow this to happen. Second of all, financially it is just not feasible. I know we are already spending a lot of money on this wedding and everything that is tying into it...but to take a 3 year old to Jamaica..we would be paying for passports, plane tickets, lowered accommodations, among other things. She would be the ONLY child there, so she would have nothing to do, someone would have to be watching her at all times, AND we would have to switch resorts to a family-friendly one. When I go on vacation, I really don't want to pay all that money to be around kids all week, especially when it involves our honeymoon as well....Do we want to share OUR honeymoon with his 3 year old? I'm sure some people, and I've already gotten grief from a few others I work with about our decision, will think I'm horrible for this decision and saying these things, but in reality....does a 3 year old really need to be around that atmosphere? Everyone will no doubt be intoxicated most of the trip, (our family and friends are all pretty big drinkers) so someone would have to be watching her at ALL times. Anyways--- From the time we told his mother about our decision, (which was by the way not just MY decision, he was right on board and agreed with me about it.) she has treated this whole destination wedding thing totally different. When his sister found out about not taking his daughter, she threw an absolute fit, blaming me and bad mouthing me saying how selfish of a person I was being and this and that, which really got my FI blood boiling, which it was already starting to with his mother causing issues. She has went from we can't afford it, to his sister and brother will fail their classes if they miss one class, to they don't have passports, to his father will NOT leave the country, to anything else you can think of. His family has NEVER been out of the country, and has NEVER been to a beach. So they have NO IDEA what the ALL-INCLUSIVE part means. She recently told me, there was no way they could afford it unless all 4-7 of them could stay in one room. I'm like...oh boy...you don't understand. Even IF they allowed you to do that, the pricing wouldn't drop. I even went so far as to switching my resort at one point to accommodate them to stay at a family friendly one so it would be cheaper...once she started causing more and more drama my FI nixed that idea and said..."if they come they come, if they want to cause all of this drama, don't come. It's our wedding, they aren't planning this for us." So I made my final decision on resorts, which ended up being cheaper than the first. And have decided, if we end up having enough people for the free rooms (which I was originally going to give to them to help them out), WE are taking them. They have caused so much drama ALREADY and we've only been engaged just over a month. She is trying to even go behind his back now, and contact me about stuff, telling me he said this and that and I have a text to prove it, as if I don't know what he says to her and when. She's being borderline crazy and at this point, I think it's TOTALLY disrespectful of his OWN PARENTS to act like this about our choice, but if they are going to do nothing but cause us drama in this, when they are not paying for ANY OF IT, including a rehearsal dinner, dresses, tuxes, then DON'T COME! We don't need your drama anyways. I really think if they would just go and experience it, I know they would love it. But they are not willing to open up the possibility that they might! Grrrrrr! Hopefully everything settles down...but for now...it's stressing me out beyond belief. Sorry for such the LONG RANT! :BangHead:

Oh boy...isn't unbelievable that somehow you're being the selfish one when, um, it's your wedding day?!

Wanting to bring your child should be your own opinion- not anyone else's. No one else knows the child's situation more than the parent- like you said, the mother would never allow it, so this shouldn't even be discussed. Have you considered doing a legal marriage in the states for just his kid and immediate family? That way, they don't need to go to the DW, and there will be no drama (unless he really wants them there, but really, to cause this much drama over one weekend, they should really be left at home with the 3yr old).

I think your FI is going about it the right way. Just say "if they want to miss their son getting married over something as dumb as this, then that's fine". I mean, it will be her regret, and I truly believe that any amount of explaining on your part will not help. It needs to come from him, and it needs to be their decision. Or the whole time you are at the DW, they will be complaining about everything.

Hang in there, and try to focus on the fun stuff!

Jennkn87 · November 6, 2013

Quote:

Originally Posted by flo628

Oh boy...isn't unbelievable that somehow you're being the selfish one when, um, it's your wedding day?!

Wanting to bring your child should be your own opinion- not anyone else's. No one else knows the child's situation more than the parent- like you said, the mother would never allow it, so this shouldn't even be discussed. Have you considered doing a legal marriage in the states for just his kid and immediate family? That way, they don't need to go to the DW, and there will be no drama (unless he really wants them there, but really, to cause this much drama over one weekend, they should really be left at home with the 3yr old).

I think your FI is going about it the right way. Just say "if they want to miss their son getting married over something as dumb as this, then that's fine". I mean, it will be her regret, and I truly believe that any amount of explaining on your part will not help. It needs to come from him, and it needs to be their decision. Or the whole time you are at the DW, they will be complaining about everything.

Hang in there, and try to focus on the fun stuff!

Thanks so much for your positive thoughts. At this point, hearing these things from ANYONE else helps me that much more. I've talked to MANY people about the situation and everyone, even the people that I thought would think we are horrible for our decision has said it makes sense. It's point blank, not taking his daughter was the first thing, and they are worried and can't be AT ALL optimistic about it because they have never been on a vacation like this and have NO IDEA what all it entails..and how much FUN it is. So she is just doing EVERYTHING in her power to come up with excuse after excuse and trying to make us feel absolutely HORRIBLE about it. It just really doesn't make sense. I have totally avoided her...I tried to discuss things through text messages....which was the first time we had really talked about any of it..and yes..I know...texting doesn't make anything better, but it's easier for me to do that than to talk to her in person because she is SUPER pushy and will just try to walk all over me and beat me down. I hate to be the one talking bad but it's also a rant that needs to be said....she is the type of person that doesn't let you speak, doesn't let you finish a sentence, ESPECIALLY if she doesn't agree with what you said. So I decided it was better this way because at least I could tell her what the plans were. When she started going behind my FI back and trying to start an argument and fight between myself and my FI, that was it for me. I'm not meeting with her without him there. I'm not letting this get any worse than it already is. She seriously, every single time it comes up, does something to make it even worse than before. Her excuses are not even making sense anymore, and now she is having other family members texting him about how upset SHE is!!! His response.....How do you think JENNA and I feel???!? It's just ridiculous right now. Praying it all calms down soon!

Jennkn87 · November 6, 2013

Quote:

Originally Posted by flo628

Oh boy...isn't unbelievable that somehow you're being the selfish one when, um, it's your wedding day?!

Wanting to bring your child should be your own opinion- not anyone else's. No one else knows the child's situation more than the parent- like you said, the mother would never allow it, so this shouldn't even be discussed. Have you considered doing a legal marriage in the states for just his kid and immediate family? That way, they don't need to go to the DW, and there will be no drama (unless he really wants them there, but really, to cause this much drama over one weekend, they should really be left at home with the 3yr old).

I think your FI is going about it the right way. Just say "if they want to miss their son getting married over something as dumb as this, then that's fine". I mean, it will be her regret, and I truly believe that any amount of explaining on your part will not help. It needs to come from him, and it needs to be their decision. Or the whole time you are at the DW, they will be complaining about everything.

Hang in there, and try to focus on the fun stuff!

Also- I never thought about getting married with his daughter beforehand. We are still kind of undecided about whether we are going to do the legal or symbolic ceremony. They won't have her the weekend we will be gone. I've scheduled everything around when we do and do not have her to make it easier on everyone. But that really is a good idea...if we get married here to have her there with us. :-) Thanks!

magda26 · November 14, 2013

I haven't had much issue with family and friends, knowing my European side of the family is appalled at how unconventional a DW is, and not wanting to spend money. Here's my issue with a bridesmaid instead... Prepare for a long story/rant (or feel free to skip ahead):

So, I had always planned to get married in my hometown of Chicago. Then I met my fiance in Mexico (he was there for a friend's wedding), and it just made sense to get married where we first met. I wouldn't feel right making his large family have to spend money to come to Chicago, while mine can just drive over. (And his family would travel to the end of the world for us)

When we still debated the location for our wedding, it was mostly because I was feeling the pressure from my "friends" and at one point I even asked my brother for advice. He got married in Europe, and a lot of people didn't show up that we expected to. What he told me is "make this day about yourself and what you want, not what people you see once a year want" which is true - my family who lives in Chicago never comes over for holidays, my college graduation, nothing. I actually haven't seen most of them in years... So future hubby and I decided Mexico is the right place to get married.

Well, from the beginning I already knew who definitely would not make it. What surprised me was that a lot of my parents' friends actually started mailing me checks for deposits already, even though we don't know the prices yet! They said they will be there without a question, and I honestly did not expect that because they're Europeans and hang on tightly to their money. I also prepared myself for my brother and sis-in-law's comments because they didn't even go on a honeymoon because they think travel is a waste of money. However this is my brother and he said whatever I decide, he will be there.

Here's something that surprised me the most. One of my BMs (I don't have a MOH, just 3 BM - my two friends and a cousin), ever since I said it will be Mexico, has just been mean about everything. She even made comments about my engagement ring, has been rude to my fiance, switches the subject when I bring up the wedding. I said I am paying for the BM dresses because I know the travel is already expensive for them, all three will just have graduated college when I get married. I also said I understand if they can't make the financial commitment and to tell me right away if they would just not be attending - I am not expecting anything, just an honest answer. The thing is, at first the BM#1 would just not care about anything related to my wedding, I even saw her rolling her eyes when I was buying my wedding dress.

BM#2 (who is BM#1's roommate) could not have been more supportive. I know her money is tight, but she said there is no way she would miss my wedding. As soon as she got my save the date, she hung it up in her room and is always asking if I need any help. I told her that I didn't feel like BM#1 was being a genuine friend, making me feel bad about my wedding. BM#2 said not to worry about it...

Fast forward a couple of months, BM#1's cousin gets engaged. Suddenly, she won't stop talking about her cousin's custom designed ring, her wedding that will be in Chicago, and her designer dress. I almost started crying when I visited her, because I asked how the wedding dress shopping for her cousin went. She starts telling me about how the dress is designer, custom made, handmade, etc. I say that is awesome, I'm happy that the cousin gets to get everything she ever wanted for her wedding (at the same time, I'm more than happy about scoring deals on my wedding because I'm a very frugal person and enjoy saving money). Then BM#1 starts talking about how she would never take her cousin to David's Bridal because "you know, she can't walk down the aisle in a David's Bridal dress." Well, my dress is from DB, and she is well aware of that because she was with me when I got it...

I have been clear that I'd rather save my money on things like the dress, jewelry, flowers, etc, so I could get a good photo/video package, a good DJ, and be able to help out my guests as much as I can. I have been budget shopping for everything, and I don't see anything wrong with wearing a dress that didn't cost as much as a used car!

Then, I started telling BM#1 and BM#2 about my ideas for the centerpieces (I'm using the free ones from my hotel, but adding tulle and seashells around it) and BM#2 is all excited about it, asking if there's anything I need. BM#1 just... ignores me. Then at one point she looks up, and makes a comment about how she practically will have to hitchhike to my wedding because she can't afford it. God, if the money is all that this is about, just tell me! Why ruin our friendship and my happiness with being rude when you're just upset about me having a destination wedding...

There are other things that she has said and done that have made me reconsider her BM position (and our friendship), but criticizing my dress choice and budget wedding has crossed the line. I even began thinking about just having one person stand up with me since that would be easiest, but I just don't know if I'll make the situation worse by cutting her out. I don't want to lose a friend over money, but it seems like anything I decide at this point is going to be eye-rolled simply because it's a DW.

And by the way, here's my dress. Who the hell is going to look at its tag on the wedding day anyway?

So sorry for the rant! This has been bottling up inside me for the last year...

flo628 · November 15, 2013

Quote:

Originally Posted by magda26