Are some of your friends and family avoiding you since you mentioned a DW?

[flo628]

Quote:

Originally Posted by flo628 
 

Quote:

Originally Posted by magda26 
 

I haven't had much issue with family and friends, knowing my European side of the family is appalled at how unconventional a DW is, and not wanting to spend money. Here's my issue with a bridesmaid instead... Prepare for a long story/rant (or feel free to skip ahead):

 

So, I had always planned to get married in my hometown of Chicago. Then I met my fiance in Mexico (he was there for a friend's wedding), and it just made sense to get married where we first met. I wouldn't feel right making his large family have to spend money to come to Chicago, while mine can just drive over. (And his family would travel to the end of the world for us)

When we still debated the location for our wedding, it was mostly because I was feeling the pressure from my "friends" and at one point I even asked my brother for advice. He got married in Europe, and a lot of people didn't show up that we expected to. What he told me is "make this day about yourself and what you want, not what people you see once a year want" which is true - my family who lives in Chicago never comes over for holidays, my college graduation, nothing. I actually haven't seen most of them in years... So future hubby and I decided Mexico is the right place to get married.

 

Well, from the beginning I already knew who definitely would not make it. What surprised me was that a lot of my parents' friends actually started mailing me checks for deposits already, even though we don't know the prices yet! They said they will be there without a question, and I honestly did not expect that because they're Europeans and hang on tightly to their money. I also prepared myself for my brother and sis-in-law's comments because they didn't even go on a honeymoon because they think travel is a waste of money. However this is my brother and he said whatever I decide, he will be there.

 

Here's something that surprised me the most. One of my BMs (I don't have a MOH, just 3 BM - my two friends and a cousin), ever since I said it will be Mexico, has just been mean about everything. She even made comments about my engagement ring, has been rude to my fiance, switches the subject when I bring up the wedding. I said I am paying for the BM dresses because I know the travel is already expensive for them, all three will just have graduated college when I get married. I also said I understand if they can't make the financial commitment and to tell me right away if they would just not be attending - I am not expecting anything, just an honest answer. The thing is, at first the BM#1 would just not care about anything related to my wedding, I even saw her rolling her eyes when I was buying my wedding dress.

BM#2 (who is BM#1's roommate) could not have been more supportive. I know her money is tight, but she said there is no way she would miss my wedding. As soon as she got my save the date, she hung it up in her room and is always asking if I need any help. I told her that I didn't feel like BM#1 was being a genuine friend, making me feel bad about my wedding. BM#2 said not to worry about it...

 

Fast forward a couple of months, BM#1's cousin gets engaged. Suddenly, she won't stop talking about her cousin's custom designed ring, her wedding that will be in Chicago, and her designer dress. I almost started crying when I  visited her, because I asked how the wedding dress shopping for her cousin went. She starts telling me about how the dress is designer, custom made, handmade, etc. I say that is awesome, I'm happy that the cousin gets to get everything she ever wanted for her wedding (at the same time, I'm more than happy about scoring deals on my wedding because I'm a very frugal person and enjoy saving money). Then BM#1 starts talking about how she would never take her cousin to David's Bridal because "you know, she can't walk down the aisle in a David's Bridal dress." Well, my dress is from DB, and she is well aware of that because she was with me when I got it... 

I have been clear that I'd rather save my money on things like the dress, jewelry, flowers, etc, so I could get a good photo/video package, a good DJ, and be able to help out my guests as much as I can. I have been budget shopping for everything, and I don't see anything wrong with wearing a dress that didn't cost as much as a used car! 

Then, I started telling BM#1 and BM#2 about my ideas for the centerpieces (I'm using the free ones from my hotel, but adding tulle and seashells around it) and BM#2 is all excited about it, asking if there's anything I need. BM#1 just... ignores me. Then at one point she looks up, and makes a comment about how she practically will have to hitchhike to my wedding because she can't afford it. God, if the money is all that this is about, just tell me! Why ruin our friendship and my happiness with being rude when you're just upset about me having a destination wedding...

 

There are other things that she has said and done that have made me reconsider her BM position (and our friendship), but criticizing my dress choice and budget wedding has crossed the line. I even began thinking about just having one person stand up with me since that would be easiest, but I just don't know if I'll make the situation worse by cutting her out. I don't want to lose a friend over money, but it seems like anything I decide at this point is going to be eye-rolled simply because it's a DW.

 

And by the way, here's my dress. Who the hell is going to look at its tag on the wedding day anyway?

 

 

So sorry for the rant! This has been bottling up inside me for the last year... 

@magda26 I feel so bad for you. I am a true believer that anyone who is negative or mean or unsupportive of your wedding isn't a real friend. For anyone to not understand that a person only get married once (well...you know what I mean) and it's YOUR DAY is unbelievable. I am in my early 30s and have been to a lot of weddings in the last 10 years and have always said to the bride that I loved their choice of whatever, and anything I can do to help, just ask. It's really that simple.

 

A friend of mine got really angry at me a couple of weeks ago for not inviting her husband. Gasp, I know, but let me explain- he is very anti-social, has no filter between his brain and mouth, has very often offended people when he thought he was being funny (especially wait staff), and while he is very sweet to me, he makes many people feel uncomfortable. So I decided I wasn't giving her  a +1. She made some comments and I was blunt with her- she is welcome to RSVP no if she likes. I know this sounds harsh, but I really don't think that I need to justify anything on my day. I also explained to her that I didn't appreciate her trying to make me feel guilty about not inviting her husband with her comments- if she wanted to say something, then just say it.

 

I really think you should be honest if you want to remain friends. Give her examples of what she has said and how hurtful they were, and the fact that it's pretty hypocritical to complain she has no money to get to your wedding and then say you're being cheap on your dress, etc. If her reaction is nothing but regret and surprise and shame, then you should remain friends. If she's defensive and mad that you're mad/hurt, then drop her- she's not worth it.

 

Just my 2 cents.

 

Good luck, and try not to let people like that ruin what should be one of your happiest day.

PS your dress is gorgeous!

[kellisbaby]

@@magda26 Your dress is beautiful!!  I don't know when your wedding is, but if I was you, I'd consider "releasing" BM1 from her duties!  It sounds like she is just raining on your parade and making you feel badly.  Who needs that!  I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.  Best of luck with your big day!  As everyone else has said, once you arrive at your resort, I'm sure you won't care in the least!! *hugs*

[loquaciouspunky]

Just realize the people who truly want to be there for you on your wedding day will be there. I'm the last of all my friends to get married and the only one to do a destination wedding. I td everyone to start saving before we were even engaged. I still caught grief over the hotel prices, even though, I kept cost as a priority. People forget how much you spend going to their wedding, bachelorette etc.

 

You will never make everyone happy, so do what is right for you and your future spouse! No regrets!

[EllDee]

@@magda26

 

I think your dress is beautiful!  I'm not a frugal person, but I'm a very realistic person, why would I spend an outrageous amount on a dress I'm going to wear for 5 hours?  I plan on trying dresses on here, then ordering from JenJenHouse.

 

If I was in your situation, I would be telling BM#1 that you no longer require her as a bridesmaid.  She is going to ruin what is supposed to be a very special day.  With friends like her who needs enemies!

 

Good luck!

[liz24]

My issue is getting people to RSVP grr!!!!

[CurlyKristen]

My bestfriend won't come to my wedding because we are having it in Mexico. She is too scared that she is going to be robed, taken hostage, or whatever else. My heart was broken for months over it. And since she told me she wasn't coming she has had no part of any of the planning and has barely talked to me.

[tinaskina]

This thread really resonates with me. I always understood that having a destination wedding meant not getting upset when your invited guests can't actually come, but I never thought people just wouldn't bother responding to an RSVP! 

 

So please excuse my rant, but I think I will feel better once this is off my chest!  I only invited two of my friends, who I have known for years, as we really just want a very small intimate wedding, mainly family. They couldn't even bother to RSVP - is it so hard to reply "no"???!!!  They have both been married themselves (one of them twice!) so they should understand that it's hurtful not to have a response.  I'm not upset that they can't come, I get that destination weddings are asking a lot. I'm just upset that they can't even bother to respond. 

 

I haven't heard a peep from either one of these girls since the RSVP deadline passed, and I'm not sure what to do about it?  I've totally discounted them as guests, and that's ok, but I am hurt that they can't bother to tell me they can't come.  They haven't even asked how the planning is going. 

 

End rant, and thank you for bearing with me!

[calgarybride2015]

I think we've all been here in some regard.

 

My best friend (ummm the girl I thought was my best friend) hasn't even talked to me once about my wedding. Declined or flat out ignored all requests I had for her to be involved. Didn't even get to ask her to me by MOH. Heck we considered paying for her because I knew it would be tight for them. Long story short I approached her and got a lame excuse. We hashed it out. I asked her one last time to be involved and got a snooty response so I moved on. Never got an RSVP either. Actually never got a happy birthday yesterday either and she knew darn well it was. Oh well. I've removed her from my life and all aspects of it (Facebook) etc. I don't have time for high school behavior and I can surround myself with the people who are happy for me. It makes no sense whatsoever but still shocks me it happens all the time.

 

 

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Edited August 12, 2014 by calgarybride2015

[xxalex18]

I bet as soon as I send out the invites I am going to deal with this .. Good luck to everyone