FI sister... do I have to make her a bridesmaid???

[inloveinkorea]

Thanks for all the input ladies. 

 

My initial post was pretty shortsighted. I don't have siblings of my own and have estrangements in my immediate family... so... "family" is still something I'm trying to wrap my head around. I decided in the end, that I will ask her. After all, it's his only sibling, she is going to be my sister soon, AND it means something to him. 

 

Get this though... since my original post, she got engaged and scheduled her wedding 7 WEEKS before ours!!! ARGGGHHH! Trying not to pull my hair out and be understanding instead.. it has definitely delayed my asking her. Waiting for my own emotions to cool down, and will probably ask her in a couple of months. 

[Branya2012]

Good for you for being the bigger person! Being an only child myself, I completely understand what you mean when you say that understanding family is a new concept!

 

Even better for you that you are still asking her after she scheduled her wedding 7 weeks before yours! Who does that?!!?!?!

Originally Posted by inloveinkorea 

Thanks for all the input ladies. 

 

My initial post was pretty shortsighted. I don't have siblings of my own and have estrangements in my immediate family... so... "family" is still something I'm trying to wrap my head around. I decided in the end, that I will ask her. After all, it's his only sibling, she is going to be my sister soon, AND it means something to him. 

 

Get this though... since my original post, she got engaged and scheduled her wedding 7 WEEKS before ours!!! ARGGGHHH! Trying not to pull my hair out and be understanding instead.. it has definitely delayed my asking her. Waiting for my own emotions to cool down, and will probably ask her in a couple of months. 

[chirobride]

I think that making decisions involving family can be rough! I have a brother and my FI has a sister so you would think it would be a no brainer right? WRONG! My brother is a Marine and has no idea if he will be able to make my wedding next year in Mexico so I thought that we would do all or nothing..aka... if my brother can't make it then we wont have siblings in it at all. Now to make things a bit more complicated my FI sister is mentally disabled and has then mental capacity and emotional maturity of a 12 year old. We are not close as we live far away from his family and honestly she is very difficult to talk to for both my FI and I. My FI agrees that this would be the best approach however I still feel bad. She is supposedly getting married to this guy she met only once in June 2015 and I have a feeling she is going to want me to be one of her bridesmaids but when we got engaged she was pissed because we will be getting married before her and because my ring is nicer than hers. I know I need to consider her mental state but it kind of hurt my feelings especially when we planned our wedding so that it would be 8 months before hers so as to not take any attention away from her. Its hard to include someone that isnt even happy for you just because they are family but I just want to make sure I am doing the right thing by excluding her if my brother can't come.

[krisdaversa]

Quote:

Originally Posted by chirobride 
 

I think that making decisions involving family can be rough! I have a brother and my FI has a sister so you would think it would be a no brainer right? WRONG! My brother is a Marine and has no idea if he will be able to make my wedding next year in Mexico so I thought that we would do all or nothing..aka... if my brother can't make it then we wont have siblings in it at all. Now to make things a bit more complicated my FI sister is mentally disabled and has then mental capacity and emotional maturity of a 12 year old. We are not close as we live far away from his family and honestly she is very difficult to talk to for both my FI and I. My FI agrees that this would be the best approach however I still feel bad. She is supposedly getting married to this guy she met only once in June 2015 and I have a feeling she is going to want me to be one of her bridesmaids but when we got engaged she was pissed because we will be getting married before her and because my ring is nicer than hers. I know I need to consider her mental state but it kind of hurt my feelings especially when we planned our wedding so that it would be 8 months before hers so as to not take any attention away from her. Its hard to include someone that isnt even happy for you just because they are family but I just want to make sure I am doing the right thing by excluding her if my brother can't come.

My FI's sister and I didn't/don't get along. She is 25 and HATES change! She also loved my FI's ex and is still friends with her. FI's sister had no problem talking ugly behind my back to their mom or even my FI. When we got engaged my FI and I weren't talking to anyone in his family because of something his mom/sister did and that went on for a few months and then it was all about them and how mean FI and I were that we didn't include them in the engagement, it turned my/our engagement into a nightmare because it wasn't about us rather then them. I had told FI that I didn't want his sister as a bridesmaid and I was dead serious and he had had no issue with that because not only are they not close he also didn't agree with what she had been doing.

 

A few months past with me dragging my heels feeling good about myself not adding her to the wedding party because she didn't like me and I sure didn't like her. Then I started thinking about it and I finally ask her to be a bridesmaid. I realized that it is not only my day but his (FI) and our families as well.

 

Regardless of how I feel about his sister or how close they aren't he loves her and they are siblings and he only has the 1. I could tell his mom was hurt/mad I wasn't asking her because these are both her babies and I know he wanted his sister in the wedding even though he kept saying he didn't. If I had a brother or sister and FI didn't want them in the wedding for what ever reason I would be really hurt, wouldn't matter if I was close to my sibling or not, I think family should always come first. I feel weddings are about family, friends and love and sharing that day with them.

 

That being said, to answer your question. I think dealing with other families other then your own is hard! It's like walking on egg shells. I think life is too short to waste it on anger and small silly things that will stress you out or to make you unhappy. Life should be enjoyed with family and friends and there is no better time then a wedding to share that

 

I think it sounds a little mean/selfish to exclude her because your bother can't come but if he does make it you will include her? This seems to only be based on you and your family rather then your FI and his family? I am not sure on your/your FI family situation but I can only assume yours is like most were not including her may cause stress and fighting and a lot of hurt feelings. 

 

Like I said before I think life is way too short to fight and be stressed and unhappy so this was one of the reasons I just said screw it I will include FI's sister. She still isn't my choice in a bridesmaid but I can tell she is happy as well is his family and because of that it made me happy and a lot less stressed all around with wedding planning.

 

I still think you need to do what will make you happy and what you feel is right but make sure you do it for the right reasons and think of both you and FI's feelings and not just because she hurt your feelings. You can't undo what is done you can only move forward and grow.

 

*** I wrote this like I was talking to myself, so if I offend you in anyway that is not my intention*** 

[chirobride]

You didn't offend me at all and I appreciate your inputand your perspective! I don't think that NOT having her would cause any family issues since her mother already told me that I don't have to and that it is completely up to me, however I know she would throw an absolute fit! Which is all honesty is part of the reason why I would prefer not to have her because everything is about her 24/7 and in my opinion a bridesmaid is there to help the bride and be supportive which is why you usually choose your closest friends and/or family. I never am one to be the center of attention or to ask for help or inconvenience anyone but this is the one time that it would be nice to have things be about my FI and I and not others. I just don't want to look back and regret any of my decisions

[krisdaversa]

Quote:

Originally Posted by chirobride 
 

You didn't offend me at all and I appreciate your inputand your perspective! I don't think that NOT having her would cause any family issues since her mother already told me that I don't have to and that it is completely up to me, however I know she would throw an absolute fit! Which is all honesty is part of the reason why I would prefer not to have her because everything is about her 24/7 and in my opinion a bridesmaid is there to help the bride and be supportive which is why you usually choose your closest friends and/or family. I never am one to be the center of attention or to ask for help or inconvenience anyone but this is the one time that it would be nice to have things be about my FI and I and not others. I just don't want to look back and regret any of my decisions

I totally hear you on not wanting to regret any of your decisions. Its great your future MIL said it was up to you!

 

Would his sister cause a fit at your wedding if she wasn't included? 

[chirobride]

I don't think she would do anything at the wedding and she would know far enough in advance either way, but she would probably pout But she does that all the time when she doesn't get her way. It is such a strange situation especially when dealing with a special needs person. Her sense of reality is based on what she sees on facebook everyday and what "other" people do... that's part of why this is a tough scenerio.

[krisdaversa]

Quote:

Originally Posted by chirobride 
 

I don't think she would do anything at the wedding and she would know far enough in advance either way, but she would probably pout But she does that all the time when she doesn't get her way. It is such a strange situation especially when dealing with a special needs person. Her sense of reality is based on what she sees on facebook everyday and what "other" people do... that's part of why this is a tough scenerio.

Well happy to hear you don't think she would do anything at the wedding. I actually volunteer for a special needs youth group we have here in Toronto and I have a 'friend' from high school that messages me everyday on FB! It's really annoying but I understand with having to handle things differently, it can get tricky and hard.

 

Since it seems like it wont cause any bad blood between you and FI family and that his sister really wouldn't cause a fit at the wedding the only thing really is if not including her in the wedding would be something you or FI would regret? Is there something other then bridesmaid you can do to make her included somehow? Not that you can do this but I didn't want to hurt one of my friends feelings because I only wanted a small bridal party so I ask her to help plan the wedding for the most part I just fill her in on whats going on or will run things by her like a sound board she really doesn't do anything but it makes her feel included, if that makes sense?

[chirobride]

I thought about that but I have no idea what else to have her do...she can't do a reading or speak in front of people in any way. And she lives about 800 miles away from me so even having her just attend things wouldn't work...I'm at a loss with a way to include her but any suggestions are appreciated!

[ctlind7]

My FI has one sibling (older sister) and I was at that decision crossroads as well. As for me and his sister, we really don't have a "relationship" besides the point that she's his sister. I love her kids to death, but we have never really connected on a level to put her in my wedding party. My FI agreed and understood about my decision.