Heartbroken- Just called the whole thing off

[Lanajoy]

I am sorry to ever bring sad news to the forums but I thought a little advice and support from others might help.  I will get right to the point... I just called off our wedding!  I will do my best to explain my situation.  I work as a nurse in a world renown neuroscience hospital and as a cake designer, which there is a little irony later.  I love my job but not long ago was injured pretty seriously by one of my patients.  I suffered a very traumatic neck strain with some compression and have not been working since.  I have been diagnosed with a rare neurological disorder caused from the physical trauma to my neck called cervical dystonia.  It is extremely painful and debilitating to say the least.  One day I tried on five wedding dresses and that is all I could do for the entire day and I was in pain for three days after! 

 

So onto the engagement... We have been together for nine years, I am 30.  He is the love of my life and takes very good care of me.  I cannot imagine my life without him.  Anyone who can love a person through nursing or medical school is a saint!  He asked me to be his wife one night after I came home exhausted from working 14 hours at the hospital, scrubs on and fast food tacos in hand.  Not so romantic but the biggest surprise ever and that is what he wanted.  We celebrated by playing video games and reading a good book, lol. 

 

I have been addicted to planning our destination dream wedding ever since and to be honest I am frugal but money has not influenced our choices what so ever. He really let me make the bulk of decisions and slowly but surely indicated how he is just as excited as I am.  We started telling everyone, put down deposits with our planner and sites. I have bought endless amounts of things for the wedding such as favors, stds, and invites. 

 

 So I have been out of work since only weeks after getting engaged but nearly six months. The insurance company is fighting my case and not paying me in the meantime but my lawyer is sure I will win the case.  My fiance works in freelance videography and holds a part time hotel management position.  He is not wealthy in any means other than with love.  We are now struggling financially because of my health and my inability to work may not ever change.  I may react well to treatments but I may also be permanently disabled.

 

He brought up borrowing money from his family and this was my breaking point.  I know to ask when I absolutely need to but I loathe the concept.  Ideally I want him to search out a career where he can make a decent living and continue his videography otherwise. I would do anything to return to work now and I mean anything!  With all this said when we normally sit and discuss our bills I sat down and said I thought we needed to change our wedding plans.  He responded asking sooner or later and I told him that we will not get married at all.  I explained that his motivations and goals were important to me.  I expressed to him my beliefs that being individual and loving oneself is a necessary step prior to being a great couple.  We discussed finances, ate lunch, and went on with our day like nothing happened.

 

Our wedding planner has been very helpful to us but so far has only discussed our wishes in detail and possibly reserved our sites ( we have not seen a site contract)  She was e-mailing everyday prior to my injury. Through my tears I e-mailed to notify her of my serious health condition and our unfortunate decision to cancel our wedding.  She did send us a vague contract via e-mail.  The contract was not signed by any of us or updated but we did deposit one thousand dollars to hold our dates with her and the reception site.  I asked her to respond and let us know if any portion may be refundable.  Our wedding is not until June 2012 and we did not make any final decisions other than the site of the reception site. 

 

Here is where I need advice.  I am in a very serious situation financially and have been taking from my retirement funds to avoid eviction from our artist studio and home.  If this weren't the case I would likely apologize for not following through with the proposed contract and hope I hadn't burned bridges but any refund could help.  The wedding planner always responded to e-mails within the day and often called.  I e-mailed her but I do not have international calling to phone her.  She has not responded for almost five days now and I wonder what I should do next.  I want to be fair and kind as she has been to us.  I am so heart broken and high on pain meds I have lost track of what is reasonable to do here and only other brides to be could understand the mess I made.  If you made it this far in my short book, thank you and please let me know what you might suggest.

 

 

[monicak]

I am sorry to hear what you are going through!  Until the financial situation is squared – away, I think it’s very smart and responsible to hold off on the wedding.  When the circumstances are better, you will truly look forward to the big day.  As for the planner, give her some more time as she may have to discuss and make an exception in your case.  It’s probably not just up to her as she has to follow company guidelines.  If she can’t make an exception for you, perhaps she can retain the funds for a future vacation or traveling plans that may arise in the future.  Let her know if anything changes, you will use her services in the future.  Hang in there….

[anudrm]

Indeed I am so sorry to here about your situation.  I don't believe that calling off the marriage is warranted in my opinion. Yes, the wedding can wait, you aren't in the best position to do so.  As for the deposit, before you paid it did  you receive a contract stating at what terms your funds can or if they can be returned. And if not returned to you, held for a different date in the future as monicak has stated.  Give the planner a few days, if she works for a company call someone hire than her and see if anything can be done.  Not call around her in a sense of side stepping what she has done for you, more so to help paint a grander picture of what is going on in your life.  I too hired a wedding planning at the beginning of planning my wedding and I was completely honest with her in regards to our funds situation - meaning how she would get paid - and also when I has to cancel her services because I changed our wedding location.  I believe good communication is always your best bet. And you'll be surprised how a little bit of tears can go a long way!

 

As for the marriage, getting married cost possibly $35, your FI sounds like an exceptional man, why take that from him? Postpone your wedding, we are having a wedding on November 12 and we have been married since January 29, 2010.  We just didn't have the money at the time so it wasn't important to either one of us, we knew we wanted to be husband and wife.

 

As for borrowing money, I completely understand where you stand. It took me to become a stay at home mother before I reached out to my own mother to help us get situated after the baby was born. Now I do not believe that you two should ask for help to plan a wedding, a wedding at this moment is truly unnecessary, yet if you truly need help making ends, then by all means, if this is family they will understand the situation and more than likely be more willing to help than you are willing to ask.

[dominiqueamber]

Oh Lana! I'm pm-ing you! Don't stress (you'll make your condition worse) we'll work it out!

[Lanajoy]

Thank you all so much for your advice!  It really  helps to keep things clear for me.  I am a black and white, no shade of gray kind of girl, very technical and sometimes it can be very bad.  My FI is really trying harder by working five days a week at the hotel starting this week and has also been looking for something he might enjoy more.  Maybe freaking out was exactly what needed to happen to get him motivated.  We have very open communication and very rarely fight, like four times in nine years.  I pray to be humble and accept less than what I have had in the past.  The idea that money makes one comfortable is true but it is hard to find the fine line between comfortable and snooty:)  I worked hard to get where I am but I fear money may have changed me and this is my wake up call.  I am grateful for the chance to realize it.  All things aside, I know that our love will be just the same, for richer or poorer, thump thump.

 

I still haven't heard back from the planner but I have been given some great ideas from all of you to help with our situation.  I did not want to broadcast our tragedies but I knew some other brides would help me keep my chin up and keep moving forward.  Thank you a million times over for the input. It gave me some much needed direction that my cloudy medicine head couldn't find.  I will keep you posted when good things happen:)

[starchild]

Wow what an ordeal!  You've been through a lot, physically and emotionally.  I agree with anudrm, you don't have to necessarily postpone the marriage but maybe just your dream destination wedding.  Or if you want to wait that's fine too but don't lose sight of the fact that you have a great man and that's what matters.  The wedding will happen when it is supposed to.  I hope the contract thing works out...there may be no getting out of that.  Good luck!