What do I do? What do I do? WHAT DO I DOOOOO!?

[mrsbruff2b]

 

FI and I decided on a destination wedding.  We wanted it to be intimate and realistically, it will cost less than having it at home (we live in the most expensive city in Canada). At first, MIL said that she invited FI's grandmother - she's the last surviving grandparent on both mine and his side.  FI is not close to his grandmother or his mother's side of the family for that matter...

We figured, hey, it's a destination wedding, if she can afford to come, let her come.  Lately his grandmother has called the house a few times looking for FI (who has been at work or in bed, he has a bad cold). 

Each time, apparently the "guestlist" has expanded and now FI's grandmother, aunt, cousin and her two kids (fully grown adults) want an invitation. I, personally, have never met these people (and FI and I have been together for over 10 years!)  FI is not close with ANY of them and has said to me that he doesn't really want them there.  But I know that he does not want to say it to his grandmother.

I'm a little annoyed that so many of these people suddenly want in!?  If it was just because they saw it as a vacation, by all means, go!  But now I have to put them on the guestlist and send them a formal invitation.  =/

What do I do?  I am terrified of answering the phone because I don't know who else plans on jumping on the bandwagon!!

 

Nutshell:

It's a destination wedding, all guests are paying their own way. 

At first MIL invited FI's grandmother (last surviving)

FI is not close to the grandmother

FI's grandmother has called me and made me copy down names and addresses of others (aunt, cousin, cousin's adult children) that want an invitation.

FI does not really want them there, but doesn't want to say no to his grandmother.

 

What should I do now? Or do I leave it up to FI to handle it? 

Do I invite his grandmother and aunt and not send an invite to the others?

Should I just send them an invite anyway?

Should I call them individually and uninvite them (they invited themselves, technically)?

 

[Pucca]

Sounds like a sticky situation.... Sorry. 

 

Personally, I know it's hard, but I'd just send the invite to FI's grandmother and leave it at that. I think that calling them and uninviting them might bring on unwanted resentment. I think that perhaps your FI can talk to your MIL and explicitly state that it's going to be a small and intimate wedding, that you're watching your budget, and that you're only inviting people you regularly have contact with and want there. And perhaps he can say that he'll accept her inviting grandmother but she's the only exception and that he doesn't really want the other relatives there since he does not talk to them. And all those addresses you copied down so nicely could possibly just get misplaced, oops, in all the wedding planning craziness....

 

I know it sounds terrible but I didn't want wedding crashers either and people coming out of the woodwork wanting to come to our wedding just to have a vacation and say that they've been to our wedding. I actually had to talk to my honey and tell him that his mom should not be inviting people to our wedding because his mom was telling all her friends and she has a tendency to invite people to things; I understand that people will want to come but this is our wedding and we want it to be as intimate as possible with people WE regularly communicate with and know. He agreed and told his mom this so we didn't really have any problems. But funny enough, just recently she asked us if someone could come if they paid their own way. She wouldn't tell us who. My honey said no because if she's not telling us explicitly who it is, it must be someone we don't really know; besides everyone is paying their own way so that is not a valid reason for this person to be allowed to come. 

 

The other thing you could do is perhaps send the invites out to the other relatives a couple of months prior to your actual wedding date when it will be more difficult for them to actually plan the trip. Conniving, yes, but ultimately you DID send them an invitation..... 

 

Gosh, do I sound terrible?  But ultimately I think you have to have a talk with your FI and decide what stance the two of you want to take and where you want to draw the line. 

 

Good luck! 

 

Originally Posted by mrsbruff2b 

 

FI and I decided on a destination wedding.  We wanted it to be intimate and realistically, it will cost less than having it at home (we live in the most expensive city in Canada). At first, MIL said that she invited FI's grandmother - she's the last surviving grandparent on both mine and his side.  FI is not close to his grandmother or his mother's side of the family for that matter...

We figured, hey, it's a destination wedding, if she can afford to come, let her come.  Lately his grandmother has called the house a few times looking for FI (who has been at work or in bed, he has a bad cold). 

Each time, apparently the "guestlist" has expanded and now FI's grandmother, aunt, cousin and her two kids (fully grown adults) want an invitation. I, personally, have never met these people (and FI and I have been together for over 10 years!)  FI is not close with ANY of them and has said to me that he doesn't really want them there.  But I know that he does not want to say it to his grandmother.

I'm a little annoyed that so many of these people suddenly want in!?  If it was just because they saw it as a vacation, by all means, go!  But now I have to put them on the guestlist and send them a formal invitation.  =/

What do I do?  I am terrified of answering the phone because I don't know who else plans on jumping on the bandwagon!!

 

Nutshell:

It's a destination wedding, all guests are paying their own way. 

At first MIL invited FI's grandmother (last surviving)

FI is not close to the grandmother

FI's grandmother has called me and made me copy down names and addresses of others (aunt, cousin, cousin's adult children) that want an invitation.

FI does not really want them there, but doesn't want to say no to his grandmother.

 

What should I do now? Or do I leave it up to FI to handle it? 

Do I invite his grandmother and aunt and not send an invite to the others?

Should I just send them an invite anyway?

Should I call them individually and uninvite them (they invited themselves, technically)?

 

 

[JayKay]

This is an aweful spot to be in.  I know exactly how you feel as we went through something similiar but it was with FIs parents.  When we first got engaged we sat down and made a list of who we were going to invite to our wedding.  We want just a small wedding as we are paying for it ourseleves.  We had decided who we were going to invite and it included grandparents but not aunts uncles or cousins.  We send out our STDs to only the people on our list. 

 

Everything was fine until about two months later when my FIs mother told me she had invited some people to come to Jamaica to our wedding.  I was absolutely furious, as its our wedding not her wedding, and the people she invited were friends of hers that I have never ever met in my life.  I'm kind of a private person and didnt want all these extra people that I dont know at my wedding.  I clearly explained to her that she needs to tell them they are not invited and she told me I would have to tell them.  Needless to say I dont have that type of personality to call someone I dont know and tell them they cant come to my wedding.

 

To get around it we sent invites to only the people on our list and excluded FIs parents friends that they had invited.  Just a little while ago FI mother was mad that we never sent invites to her friends.  She told us that they will be coming to Jamaica whether we like it or not.  I told her that was fine, they are more then welcome to come to Jamaica the same time we will be there, but they will have nothing to do with my wedding and will not be included in any wedding events.  We are about three months away from my wedding and so far none of these friends she invited have even booked to come (they were not allowed to book as part of our group, they had to book on their own) so whether or not they will show up who knows.

 

It is a tough spot to be in.  I guess you just really need to sit down with your FI and decided if its important or not to have those people.  If not, dont send them an invitation.  And be prepared to have some people angry for not receiving an invitation.  Also, some people may show up at your destination anyways, and there is really no way to stop that.

[Branya2012]

Good for you for not formally inviting them to your wedding! A recurring theme I've seen on the BDW forum is that it is your wedding and you should do what it takes to make you happiest on your special day! You and your fiancee are allowed to be selfish! You are the ones that are getting married! Good story and advice, JayKay.

 

 

Originally Posted by JayKay 

This is an aweful spot to be in.  I know exactly how you feel as we went through something similiar but it was with FIs parents.  When we first got engaged we sat down and made a list of who we were going to invite to our wedding.  We want just a small wedding as we are paying for it ourseleves.  We had decided who we were going to invite and it included grandparents but not aunts uncles or cousins.  We send out our STDs to only the people on our list. 

 

Everything was fine until about two months later when my FIs mother told me she had invited some people to come to Jamaica to our wedding.  I was absolutely furious, as its our wedding not her wedding, and the people she invited were friends of hers that I have never ever met in my life.  I'm kind of a private person and didnt want all these extra people that I dont know at my wedding.  I clearly explained to her that she needs to tell them they are not invited and she told me I would have to tell them.  Needless to say I dont have that type of personality to call someone I dont know and tell them they cant come to my wedding.

 

To get around it we sent invites to only the people on our list and excluded FIs parents friends that they had invited.  Just a little while ago FI mother was mad that we never sent invites to her friends.  She told us that they will be coming to Jamaica whether we like it or not.  I told her that was fine, they are more then welcome to come to Jamaica the same time we will be there, but they will have nothing to do with my wedding and will not be included in any wedding events.  We are about three months away from my wedding and so far none of these friends she invited have even booked to come (they were not allowed to book as part of our group, they had to book on their own) so whether or not they will show up who knows.

 

It is a tough spot to be in.  I guess you just really need to sit down with your FI and decided if its important or not to have those people.  If not, dont send them an invitation.  And be prepared to have some people angry for not receiving an invitation.  Also, some people may show up at your destination anyways, and there is really no way to stop that.

 

[lovepea]

I think you've received good advice here.  What I don't get is, why would you want to go to the wedding of someone you don't know...  Stick to your guns and don't feel pressured to include people you don't want to.

 

 

[prettypigpig]

hmm...this is a sticky situation indeed...but this is not the parents who want to invite their friends who u got no clue who they are...

However, I think the other aunts, uncles and cousins were forced by grannie as well (like who would want to spend money and goto a wedding of a family member that they don't really know?!)  I think if you see from grannie's view, you will understand how this happened?!  She is old, and probably thinks..err...she may not be able to witness another wedding of her grand kids and celebrate it with her family all together...even your FI isn't close to his grannie, in grannie's eyes, your FI is still her grandson. 

so..solutions are:

1) if ur budget allows, just let grannie to invite her close ones (not that many grandparents can be part of their grandkids' wedding nowadays)

2) if ur budget is tight, ask ur FI to talk to his grannie about it.  But I am sure others were just love grannies so much that they said they want to come with her.  My grannie dragged my 2 aunts with her, flew 16 hours from Hong Kong to Montreal and then 4 hours from Montreal to Cancun!!!  She is 83 yrs old! 

 

The wedding day will fly by so fast, that you won't even have time to care about those aunts and uncles ..cousins anyway.  Not to mention, you may find out that others who you invited and really want them to attend...say yes and then BACK OUT!!!  Maybe (on the brite side) you may learn smth about them, or hear stories from grannie about your FI when he was a kid.

[DazzlingDeb23]

That's such a terrible position to be in... personally I would considered just inviting his grandmother and since you never even see the others trying to jump on the bandwagon they can deal and if the grandmother doesn't understand remind her destination weddings are limited to how many people you can invite due to the costs

[lucy<3woody]

Hey Mrsbruff what did you end up doing? Can you give us an update??

[yunric]

Having a wedding is so hard....

 

My parents are inviting EVERYONE they know...  New names pop up every day and most I don't even know or remember all that well.  These are friends of theirs that out 'of respect' must be invited...

 

We didn't even do an invite since we got a GREAT price, time sensitive, - we had 11 days to get everyone booked!  After the fact, I had magnets made and tropical Xmas cards from Vista and will mail to everyone who has booked (40 guests!!) They say " Can't wait to celebrate with you on the beach" instead of save-the-date!  LOL. 

 

My dad wants to send magnets to the world... I'm still trying to gently tell him to stop... Some of the guests are from different countries and want to use this as a springboard to explore mexico- that's great- but I'm not mapping out your itinerary and making sure you are in Playa for the 'big day'...

 

Stick a fork in my eye... 

[yunric]

I can't wait to hear your update!  Hopefully it will help some of us too!