HELP: Kicked BM out of Bridal Party...

[Aphrodite]

I don't know what section this should be in and I'm sorry in advance if this is long-winded.

 

I have a friend and her and her husband are in our bridal party.

On September 7th her husband went to the hospital (dinner timeish) because his ulcer ruptured.  His ulcer that he refused to take care of, ANYWAYS lol...

We leave for our Punta Cana wedding on November 6th.  Back in February I told everyone who was in our group rate (including them) that the date we had to make our full and final payments was September 7th.  I even followed-up with everyone in August to remind them.  So needless to say, they didn't pay it (why they waited until the last day is beyond me anyways and considering the timelines they wouldn't have made it in to pay that day regardless if he went to the hopsital).

 

So the next day I borrowed a car from my dad's car dealership so I could drive about 40 minutes (if there's no traffic) in rush hour to the hospital to see him.  I spent 4 hours there while she went home to eat and shower and what not.

He asked me there (I never brought up anything wedding related) what will happen to their deposits and I said they would probably lose them but not to worry as I would talk to my cousin (our travel agent) and see if we can work something out.

I ended up getting their deposits back and a couple of days later I told the wife that I was able to get them back and she just had to call my cousin to arrange something as to how they were getting it back.

 

As a side note, the husband's tux for our wedding had been ready at the store for about a month and I had been asking them if they were going to pick it up/pay for it as the store said since it wasn't paid for they were going to return it...nothing was ever done about that. 

 

The hospital kept him for 3 days for observation in case the medication they gave him wasn't working and they needed to operate - they sent him home after the 3 days obviously not needing the operation.

 

So then the converstations started with him not being able to go (according to his wife).  Not because of his health per se but mainly because he has tests coming up and they might be during that week (I would think you could tell them that you were planning on travelling that week and they would work around it - but maybe I'm wrong).

So over the last few days I would ask her for updates on her husband and tell her that I hoped everything was okay and he was in my thoughts in prayers.  I also tried talking to her about how she can get her deposit and she wouldn't answer me - this is the same person who thought the deposit was going to be refunded to MY credit card at first and emailed me right away to say "As soon as it is refunded on to your credit card, let me know so we can arrange a time to come get our money off you".  So I told the travel agency that the money was never on my card to begin with so please cut them a cheque for them to go pick up, once I made that arrangement is when it felt like she was ignoring my emails/text messages/phone calls.

 

Then every time I would ask her about the tux she would say things like "I don't know what he is doing about the tux anymore - why don't you ask him"...trouble is, I had been trying to contact him to even offer my credit card as a means to pay for it so they didn't send it back if he wasn't up to picking it up.  So I figured she could help me since she is married to the guy.

So finally I  just told her that I honestly felt like she didn't care about my wedding because of her completel lack of interest in anything I would be asking her and get the tux, don't get it, whatever I don't care anymore.  I didn't think I  needed to hound a 34 year old in paying for a trip on time or picking up his tux - needless to say I was a little fed up and just frustrated.  I had also apologized for being a bit short-fused about it but I was just frustrated since we are less than 2 months away and I have no idea what is going on with them.  I also said I understand her husband's health is at the fore front of her mind but I also have to keep my plans going for the wedding and just need to know what is going on....I got this email back:

 

"Let's be honest here...and lets not pretend you're all innocent and you do nothing wrong.  Since you brought up the "lack of concern" topic....every single text/email you have sent me since [husband] was in the hospital was 'my wedding this and my wedding that oh and btw how is [husband] feeling?'  You could have saved yourself the trouble of writing that last sentence.

You're right, you shouldn't have to "hound" us to pay on time or get the tux.  I certainly remember hounding [husband] to get that stuff done long time ago as well.  As for the payment of the vacation, [husband] was packing up early that day so he COULD go and pay the deposit for your very special wedding - obviously this doesn't matter to you.  I don't feel that I need to justify anything to you at this point but I will make the next few statements as a reminder to you.  [husband] was over booked and working DAY and NIGHT to finish all his work for the last 2 MONTHS.  I have also been extremely busy as mentioned to you in very many emails over the past few months and not to mention the lack of reply messages from me due to the fact that I've been so busy.  

Your wedding is important to your friends and especially to you too but my husband's health is absolutely more important to me - understand it if you'd like but my family comes first, to others it may come second.    I appreciate you sharing how you feel."

 

That followed with me kind of being like WTF where did that come from??

I said I was shocked at her response and attitude and just didn't know what to say...that followed by her telling her how disgusted she has been with my attitude in months (believe me when I say there has been no issues before this so I have no idea what she was talking about) and how self-centered I am....

So I lost it and told her I want her nowhere near me on my wedding day and to pretty much just not be there...she told me she will not be giving me the money back for her dress (I paid for her BM dress) because it was a gift so I shouldn't even ask for it back....then she said she would be happy to just give me the dress back.

 

The next day:

 

ME:

"Hello,
 
Hope you are well.
Just wanted to let you know that you can drop my bridesmaid dress off at Flight Centre with my cousin or whomever is working there when you go to pick up your cheque.  She is aware of it.
 
I do hope everything ends up being okay with [husnbad].  Regardless of everything you said to me – he’s still in my thoughts and prayers.
 
Take care. "

HER:

"I am NOT the one going to flight centre as I said I don't have time and will NOT make it there.  

" Regardless of everything you said to me" - what exactly is it that I said that offended you? Honesty is the best policy and if you can't take it DON'T ASK, stop trying to get the upper hand in this and don't manipulate words.  

As I said please do not contact me through email/text if you'd like to discuss this further."

 

-----------------

 

I just need some advice I guess...

Would you have kicked her out?

Should I try to salvage the friendship? (I'm not sure I even want to do that - a few years ago we had stopped talking to them because my fiance's mother had died a few years earlier and he has no other family and he and this same girl were play fighting and he sprayed some water at her that got in her ear and she said, "Do you want to end up dead like the rest of your family?")...she obviously has verbal diarrhea.

 

I just don't know...am I being crazy?

Sorry again for the length - I'm just really looking for some guidance.

[MichCraw]

Wow what a situation your are living!! I think if you want the " less" hassles, you did the right thing, no need to add drama or negativity on your wedding day. This is just two people who basically don't take responsability very seriously, and eventhough his illness seems to be very serious, they had ample amount of time to pay and get the tux before he got ill. I think that you were thoughtful for them, but it is a one way street. They can't even be bothered to pick up their own check, for a deposit that they should have lost! ( I had two people decide not to go to my wedding last week .. and they lost their deposit .. and my wedding is in December!) You've done what you could, try to move on and think better thoughts ... your wedding week is coming up ... and this should be the best time of your life!

[Aphrodite]

Thanks for taking the time to read all of that lol

 

I think my biggest issue is that she kept talking like I shouldn't be talking about my wedding while her husband is sick - I didn't talk about it at all while he was in the hospital because I genuinely was just concerned about him.

Now he's home and everything has gone back to normal (or as normal as possible - I think he's not allowed to work until next week) so yes, I would ask her in an email something about the wedding and also ask about her husband...she's my BRIDESMAID and we are 2 MONTHS AWAY from the wedding.  Am I supposed to not talk to her about it anymore??

 

That's what I don't understand - does that really make me self-centered for thinking I could ask her questions re: my wedding?

 

Originally Posted by MichCraw 

Wow what a situation your are living!! I think if you want the " less" hassles, you did the right thing, no need to add drama or negativity on your wedding day. This is just two people who basically don't take responsability very seriously, and eventhough his illness seems to be very serious, they had ample amount of time to pay and get the tux before he got ill. I think that you were thoughtful for them, but it is a one way street. They can't even be bothered to pick up their own check, for a deposit that they should have lost! ( I had two people decide not to go to my wedding last week .. and they lost their deposit .. and my wedding is in December!) You've done what you could, try to move on and think better thoughts ... your wedding week is coming up ... and this should be the best time of your life!

 

[Aphrodite]

I should also mention that I did say to her that I understood being concerned about his health as my mother was diagnosed with brain cancer in January (on top of the rest of the cancer she has in her body) and although she is remission for the brain cancer, she is still dealing with the rest of it.

So there's a possibility that my own mother might not be able to come last minute - I had offered to cancel our destination wedding when she was diagnosed with the brain cancer but she insisted that we didn't cancel so it would give her something to look forward to and work towards.

 

When I mentioned this she responded with: "You knew your mom would most likely not be able to come - that was your choice. "

[kat2012]

OMG!!!

That is horrible things to say. This woman is soo mean and heartless.

I think you did nothing wrong. She agreed to be your bridesmaid, therefore she got herself into wedding preparations and discussions.

I feel so bad for you in this situation, but she is quite delusional and unreasonable. If anything I would stay away from her....

You dont want people like that on you wedding day.

You did a great job by taking care of their deposit, when you did not even have to.

Maybe she is just jealous that she is not the center of attention? Poor thing...

Let her be measerable and enjoy your wedding preparations She is not worth you getting upset or stressed....

Good luck!!

 

Originally Posted by Aphrodite 

I should also mention that I did say to her that I understood being concerned about his health as my mother was diagnosed with brain cancer in January (on top of the rest of the cancer she has in her body) and although she is remission for the brain cancer, she is still dealing with the rest of it.

So there's a possibility that my own mother might not be able to come last minute - I had offered to cancel our destination wedding when she was diagnosed with the brain cancer but she insisted that we didn't cancel so it would give her something to look forward to and work towards.

 

When I mentioned this she responded with: "You knew your mom would most likely not be able to come - that was your choice. "

 

[janette34]

Your friend sounds nasty & jealous.  I think you are better off forgetting about having her in your bridal party.  Its your wedding and you deserve to be excited & happy about it.  You only get this day once so enjoy it as much as possible.  At this point it doesn't sound as if there is anything you can do to smooth things over, nor do I think you should have too.

[Sharon99]

All's I have to say is what a B*tch!!! Honestly I say screw them both. I got so mad reading everything she wrote back to you!! I give you credit for being nice after all that. I honestly would tell your cousin to forget about refunding them the deposit too!! (i am mean i guess!)

I think you made the right decision & it honestly sounded like they were not going to go anyways. You dont need to deal with people like that on your day. I honestly wouldnt do anything...I am so over drama & people that have to involve me in it! No one needs to have to put up with people like that. 

 

 

 

[Aphrodite]

Funny you should mention that....

All my close friends and my MOH have said the same thing.  Just so flippant about it all.

She didn't seem to even care (before all this happened) about whether or not they were still coming...seemed to make no effort to figure it out.  I get her husband got sick, but the least she could have said was to completely count them out so I didn't have to wait for them to make a last minute decision.  I think they can't afford it and she was waiting for an opportunity like this to start a fight with me (she knows how to press buttons) so I would kick her out....

 

I had even asked that if her husband had to do tests during the week of our wedding and he couldn't come, would she still be coming to support me since she's my bridesmaid...she had responded that she didn't even think about it and the next day she let me know she was getting her deposit back for sure.

 

Originally Posted by Sharon99 

All's I have to say is what a B*tch!!! Honestly I say screw them both. I got so mad reading everything she wrote back to you!! I give you credit for being nice after all that. I honestly would tell your cousin to forget about refunding them the deposit too!! (i am mean i guess!)

I think you made the right decision & it honestly sounded like they were not going to go anyways. You dont need to deal with people like that on your day. I honestly wouldnt do anything...I am so over drama & people that have to involve me in it! No one needs to have to put up with people like that. 

 

 

 

 

[meBonidie2be]

IMO forget her. I do agree with you that she wanted to be kicked out. Thats how ppl work. They dont want to be the one to back out, they want to put it on you. I would not give her any deposits back. I would not contact her AT ALL anymore. NO TEXT NO EMAIL NO ONE ON ONE and most of all NO MAKE UP DOWN THE LINE.  Save yourself the stress, drama and heartache. I will say that ppl get easily annoyed by someone else planning their wedding. For us it is the biggest thing going on in our lives at the moment. Yet, if we say more than three sentances about it ppl think we are self centered ect. Thats just the way it is. Don't let it get to you. I read a piece of advice a while back that has been INCREDIBLY helpful to me being less stressed about my DW. (I know your mum is an exception to this).....Don't worry about who is to attend the DW. Send out the invites and let it play out. If ppl can't make it, they can't make it. Don't stress over it.

 

I wish you the best. I hope you are strong enough to simply remove yourself from them and the situation they have put you in. If i were you I would not even mention her name when it comes to the actual wedding day.

[Peach]

Wow, I cannot believe how polite and KIND you were in that email! And for her to act like that.... yes, she is probably stressed, but you were too, and you too sincere time out for her.... Wow. You totally did the right thing. I would not feel badly about that AT all. Just forget her as much as possible. You do not need toxic people in your life at any time, but certainly not on your wedding day! Oh, and I totally agree with meBonidie2be  about people not coming... I think I need to remember that sometimes, too! 

 

You did the right thing totally. Nothing you could have done better.