Family dilemma HELP!!!

[kat2012]

Well said!!! I agree 100% with Peach

 

Originally Posted by Peach 

I think that there is always family drama. I know that there is with me. The only thing bugging me is that people who are must-haves at my wedding will not be there (my grandparents, because of age and health). But the ONLY way they could make it was if I did the traditional church and community centre thing back in the hometown. Not me, not FI. So, we said, 'this is what we want, and if there are just a few people, then that is fine.' Our compromise is that we are doing an AHR that is combining more traditional elements, even though I wanted it more laid-back; that is all for my family. Am I getting a lot of flack and complaints? Yes. Lots. From my parents, most of all; I told them that if they do not want to come, do not come. Will I hate them for it? No. Will I forget it either? No. So, I guess my point is, sit down with FI and decide, is this what we want? If it for sure is, then that is what you do. Surround yourself with positive people who support you. For me, my future in-laws are wonderful and have helped SO much. For you, that might be your own family. Keep things civil, but, as much as possible, choose not to let it bother you. It will bother you sometimes, but remind yourself that they are going to be the ones missing out. Negative people will always find something to complain about. And I just do not understand why a person would miss out on something without a 'good reason', or complain the whole time if they do go. How exhausting!

 

Sorry for the rant; hope it helps!

 

[Brenners]

Not that I am happy for your situations, but I am relieved to see that I am not the only one with family drama.  My FI and I got engaged February of this year.  My father has been in declining health for the past few years and has hardly left the house.  We said we wanted a DW and that we would do the civil ceremony right in my parent's house so they could see that as a church wedding wasn't something my father could attend either.  My mom stated that was not an option given my father's health.  My dad died in March and all planning for the wedding came to a halt.  My mom has decided that she HAD to sell the house, HAD to find an apartment, and HAD to have a moving sale this year.  I am the youngest of 6 and have spent a lot of my time (weekends and vacation days) taking care of both of my parents as they have been in and out of the hospital quite a bit the last 5 years.  My siblings have been there off an on as they could but I understood that they had commitments to their spouses and kids that made it difficult for them to be there at times.  Since I have been spending what time I can planning a wedding, two of my siblings have sworn at me, told me that all I am doing is having "FUN!  FUN!  FUN!" while they are working to get this moving sale ready (by the way, I had already helped my mom move, box up some belongings and plan to assist her with getting things ready next weekend as well).  My brother even went so far as to tell me that he and his family will not be attending our wedding.  At the end of the day, it makes me sad that people are behaving this way but I cannot control them.  All I can do is ask who do I really want to be there?  Do I want a brother who is verbally abusive and gets angry at the drop of a hat?  No.  Do I want a sister who says nasty things behind my back?  No.  I want the people there who are truly happy for us and will share in our joy that day.  I am not sure what will happen to my relationship with my siblings but I have no interest in focusing more attention on them than they deserve.  I like what you said, Kelly, about "They had the wedding that they wanted" and for some of my siblings, that was twice!  Sorry for the vent.

[Peach]

Oh my god, that sounds awful! Siblings are so tough; but you have a great attitude... be polite, because they are family, but sometimes distance is the best thing. Some people can be toxic. Sometimes I think it is a blessing that certain people say they will not come... good! Do I want toxic people around me when I am that happy?

 

I am so sorry to hear about that Brenners.... I hope that it works out to the way YOU want it.

[Gin Bootles]

Ok I guess I am here once again to vent, because I just am at a loss of what to do. Here is some background information before I get started. Since my last post there has been beyond family fights, there have been verbal abuse, and everything has been taken to an extreme yelling level. After my SIL wedding had ended I was the one who got asked less than a month before her wedding to be the last minute flower girl.. she had a gift for all her brides maids but me, she didn’t even buy me flower petals to toss out. I was in barely any of the photos and I was treated very badly at her wedding. After the wedding she came home to visit her parents and saw us multiple times. I didn’t get a thanks for everything you have done for me, a thanks for their wedding gift or anything! I let this slide for a while.. 3.5 months later I finally get a thank you card and a gift after it came out in a family fight. I got some gift card to like target or something and a thank you card.. (better late than never I guess) then I asked multiple times about the wedding photos, which to this day I finally got to see them almost 7 months later due to some family members taking some. They had 3 photographers.. 3~!~!!!!!! not one not two but THREE photographers.. which you would think we would get to see some photos, and since her parents (my FI parents) paid for their ENTIRE wedding you would think at least the people who paid for the wedding would get some photos for free. Well mind you they posted them on facebook for their friends, but never gave anything to their parents or their immediate family. Everyone got to see them before us.. which is fine they live 2.5 hours away so I understand that.. but all I wanted was the copies where my FI and I were there and 1 family photo shot.. well needless to say that also turned into a huge family fight. I got my behind chewed out for posted one photo of the bride as she was getting ready on facebook, (even though her best friend did the EXACT same thing.) I got my butt chewed out, my fiancée was threatened that he would get kicked outta the house, and that his sisters now husband was going to beat up my fiancée. Of course this is sooooo much fun. We had a family “meeting†and we all know how fun those are… well needless to say I told the family how I felt, and how their daughter caused so many issues with me, and didn’t like me.. of course her family backs her up, and says I am being ridiculous.. so ok I move on.. so may 18^th this past Friday was my birthday… everyone from my SIL’s family remembered my birthday BUT my SIL and her Husband.. (mind you this is the 2^nd year in a row she has “forgotâ€) but It is really funny her birthday is a week away from mine every year!!! She also has facebook, a ipone, and all the accessories to remind her of my day.. yet she NEVER called, texted, facebooked, or what not… so again another year where I feel like I am NOT a part of the family. So my fiancée was so gun hoe on telling his sister happy birthday on her day. I told him that it would hurt my feeling if he did that to me. Of course I don’t want to stoop to her level, but I just feel so hurt. Last year I got her my grandmother’s jewelry box filled with over $50 worth of jewelry. And I never even got a thank you. She never congratulated us when we got engaged. NOTHING!! So I called her last night and asked her if she forgot something.. she didn’t say anything.. I was bawling and said you missed my birthday again this year… I want nothing to do with you anymore, and I disconnected the call. I am beyond hurt on this situation.. because to put the icing on the cake!!!! She called my mother in law when I was there upset, and she said they are truly sorry for forgetting but they had no idea… so now my mother in law is once again backing her daughter when she is 110% wrong! I am at wits end, I am to the point I don’t want to be around her during any social event, I don’t even want her at the wedding. Of course my mother in law is disappointed in me for being so tough…. But when do I say enough is enough.. and why do I always have to be the bigger person? I think it is funny that even though the SIL claims her husband and her “forgot†my birthday, I have YET to hear a apology….

 

Idk I am at a loss for this, my fiancée doesn’t want to get involved because he is afraid he will get kicked outta the house, (we are saving for a house, and paying off bills before the wedding) he agrees with me 100% but yet is scared of what could happen.. which I cant say that I blame him. Now the mother in law is pissed off that I wont even try to fix things, or even invite her to the wedding.. so now the MIL and FIL probably wont come.. funny thing we don’t even have a date yet, but more drama arises. Idk what to do… any words of wisdom.. I have more issues with another bride.. I am her MOH and am at a loss to make her happy… I just feel like everything is going wrong when this shouldn’t even be an issue.. PLEASE HELP!!!!

[kellygrrrl]

hey jen -

 

wow, no doubt you're really upset. if I'm understanding correctly, you're beyond fed up with your SIL because she disrespected and castigated you in her own wedding, she kept her wedding photos from you, and lately, to make matters worse, she has completely ignored your engagement and has ultimately claimed not to have remembered your birthday when everyone else in her family did.

 

that's a really tough spot to be in, and my heart goes out to you. there is no doubt you care very much about her and want her to treat you with the same thoughtfulness and consideration that you have shown to her. it's frustrating at best not to get that in return.

 

in dealing with difficult family issues, I've often found it's best to simply disengage after a certain point - otherwise you'll end up with hollow victories (like the Target gift card). if you can, try to take the past events at face value without going over them again and again. it doesn't excuse how she's treated you, but it frees you from allowing her negative actions to drag you down. if she's angry with you for posting a picture on facebook, apologize, take it down, and let that be the end of it (even if she brings it up again, continue to be civil or politely remove yourself from the conversation).

 

it sounds like that's the name of the game at this point. be as polite as you can (meaning civil, not pandering) to those around you and use your time and energy to plan all the amazing things that will make your wedding truly unique. focus on your relationship with your FI - after all, that's what it's all about, right? let your SIL be herself, try not to worry about her actions. and if all the drama is truly inescapable, why not elope? while it may be hard for your family in the short-term, it will enable you and FI to think about yourselves in all of this. just my $0.02.

 

please keep us updated with how everything is going. best of luck to you during such a challenging time.

 

-kelly

[Gin Bootles]

yeah i guess that is true, but now i really dont want to get together with them for holidays and other gatherings.. idk am i overreacting?

[kellygrrrl]

it's possible that what you're feeling may be temporary. I'd recommend taking some time away from it all for awhile. just try to rise above everything that's going on as best you can and when you feel yourself being pulled in, try to step back. you can't help feeling the way you do, but just keep in mind that it may not last forever. they are your family, after all. for better or worse. ; )

 

 

Originally Posted by Gin Bootles 

yeah i guess that is true, but now i really dont want to get together with them for holidays and other gatherings.. idk am i overreacting?

[Gin Bootles]

i want it to work, but i am not willing to give any chances... i have gave her chance after chance, and still nothing.. so i am completely done. 110% done.
 

[Peach]

I am lucky in that my future in laws are great, but we struggle with my family. Like, really, really bad. So this is what we do that works.

We try to be better than the problem causers. We take the high road. We are distant, yet polite. We want the door to stay open for future, especially since it is only a couple people causing problems. But we also do not want to give those people any power over our happiness either. So, we invite them to certain things. We are general with them, the same way we would be with very distant relatives or friends of friends (it is my own mom who is the big problem, so you can see why it would be difficult). We are not close with them, but neither are we rude. The fact is, they are family. When they are absolutely terrible, and frankly abusive, they are still family. And in twenty, thirty, fifty years, they will still be family. We do not choose our family, and we do not choose the family of the men we marry. But, like it or not, they are still a part of our lives.

So, coming from someone who also has a lot of drama....

Distance is good. Rudeness is not. Take the high road. It sucks, yes, but at the end of the day you will know that you did what was best.
 

[balibride]

Go with your heart... Better to regret things you have done than things you didn't do. Those who come will love it