Adult children upset that "real legal" wedding not in Aruba

[Kathie]

Hi. Not sure if this is in the right place, mods feel free to move it.

 

My FI and I are getting married in Aruba in October. To make things easier we decided to get married legally here to avoid paperwork, more expense, etc. I have two adult daughters who are giong to be my Maids of Honor. When they originally found out about the wedding in Aruba they weren't really happy about it and they told me they wouldn't be going. They hate the beach and would never travel to Aruba, it was expensive, etc. By the way, my girls are both very successful and make over 6 figures each. Of course I felt bad but what could I do?

 

My niece talked to them and said that they really should go. They felt bad and they booked their trip. As you can imagine I was ecstatic. I paid the $600 for their dresses and their room for 2 of the 4 nights they'll be there. I am paying for them to have a massage, manicure and pedicure as well as some other goodies for them.

 

One of my daughters called me the other night and I casually mentioned the date that we were getting legally married and asked if they would like to be included. She was shocked that I wasn't getting married in Aruba (I thought I already told them, I guess I didn't). She called me last night to tell me how upset she was that the whole purpose of them "taking a week off of work" and are spending a lot of money was because they thought we were really getting married in Aruba. I told her that it was just a signing of papers and it would not be our anniversary date and that it was very common for brides to do this. What we feel is that our real wedding is when our friends and family are with us on the beach as we say our vows and exchange rings and having the officient announce us as husband and wife. She starting going on again and I said "if that's the way you feel don't come" and hung up in her.

 

I am ashamed that I did that but I am so stressed out right now because of everything else going on (you all understand). I sent them both an email explaining how we felt and told them that I wasn't upset with them at all but I can't change the way they feel or how we feel. I told them that if that's how they feel that it was okay if they didn't go and offered to repay them for their airfare.They said they are still going but now I am feeling really sad about this.  What can I do or say to make myself feel better? I feel like the wedding is spoiled knowing that people will be there thinking it's not my "real" wedding. 

[jmastr05]

I just got married in Aruba last month (July 15, 2011) and did the exact same thing: civil at home, religious in Aruba. NO ONE, not even my husband and myself, feel that the Aruba wedding was anything but the "real" one.

 

Here's how the civil ceremony went: I had an appointment to get my teeth whitened that morning. I then met my (then) fiance and his 2 friends (our witnesses) on the corner by city hall. We were all wearing shorts and sandals. When my husband is around his guy friends, he gets very slap happy. The 3 of then were elbow-deep in their slap happy glory. When the mayor's secretary asked if these two "gentlemen" would be our witnesses, my (then) fiances said, "Yes, but I don't know about the 'gentlemen' part." So the mayor's secretary proceeded to refer to them as the "dudes" for the rest of the time. When it came time for the marriage, we were ushered into a stuffy conference room. A pudgy, bald, sweating, stuttering city clerk with a bad tweed jacket and glasses as thick as Coke bottles read off of a printed sheet of paper. During this time, my slap happy fiance and his friends proceeded to make jokes. The poor clerk was so confused. When it was all over (about 3 minutes), we were given the printed ceremony reading to keep. The mayor herself was supposed to marry us, but had an emergency. So any place where her name was printed, it was crossed out and the clerk's name written in.

 

Honey, there's no way in H-E-double-hockey-sticks THAT was my "real" wedding! My real wedding was with my 50 guests, all beautifully dresses (and behaved) on a picturesque beach. Our parents and wedding party (closest friends) were with us - and then some. Some of my family from Italy even made the crazy-long trip to Aruba. My dress was unbelievably gorgeous. It seriously breaks my heart that I don't get to wear it, like, once a week. My husband cried when he saw me in it. Our reception had kick-butt music. Everyone partied so hard. Every guy sweat through his clothes, many had to change, and that didn't stop us. The ring bearers and a bridesmaid went into the pool with their clothes on to cool off. The last dance somehow ended up with 1/2 of the wedding guests (including my 58 year old MOTHER) in a grind line. When the reception was over the party moved to the hotel bar. When that closed, we cooled off by taking a dip in the ocean. THIS was my REAL wedding!

 

When yours is all over, I have absolutely no doubt in the world that you will feel the same. You just need to accept that fact now, and not feel like you are cheating your daughters out of the "real" thing. Do not feel guilty; there's no room for that in your life.

 

So now that we have those trivial details out of the way... WHERE IN ARUBA ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED?!?! I want details, woman!

[Kathie]

Thanks for the encouraging words Jmstr05, I hope I can try to get this out of my head. I agree that the day we exchange rings and vows is the emotional, spiritual wedding that we want, not when we sign that paper. We don't feel that at all and we hope my children won't feel that when they're there.

 

Aruba, I love it! We're getting married at the Westin Resort & Casino on October 20th. We will be there for 2 weeks. I can't wait! Where was your wedding in Aruba?

[jmastr05]

Westin!!! We honeymooned there! It's a great resort! I read that Pago Pago is amazing.  And multiple people told me that Blossoms is great, too. (Both restaurants are in the Westin). Unfortunately we didn't eat at either because there are just SO many great dining options in Aruba. And I HIGHLY recommend the hot stone massage at the spa there. My husband and I splurged and had THREE spa treatments the week that we were at the Westin. The hot stone was both of our favorites.

 

Our wedding was at the Divi Aruba All-Inclusive. We wanted an all-inclusive for the week that we spent with our friends and family. And then we wanted to change it up and not do all-inclusive for the honeymoon week.

[Kathie]

Wow, funny! We went last year to check everything out and loved it. We had a tasting from Chef Boland of Pago Pago and it was incredible. We didn't get to eat at Blossoms but we will in October. We ate at Madame Janettes which is to die for! We also ate at Flying Fishbones and Wacky Wahoos. We are having our rehearsal dinner at Amadeus which was great too. It's so expensive there but the food is sooo good.

 

I'm sure everything will blow over with my daughters but it will be in the back of my mind that they didn't feel they saw the "real" wedding. They don't realize how hard it is to be married in a foreign country and how much easier it is to do it this way. I will feel like this is my wedding in Aruba. I just hope they will eventually come around and look at it this way too.

 

Thanks for your help!

[jmastr05]

I just can't see how they won't feel like they attended the "real" wedding after it's all over. Aruba is a major destination wedding location, and the ceremonies there are beautifully done. I really wouldn't worry.

 

I loved Flying Fishbone and Madame Janette, too! The other restaurant that rounds out my top 3 is Ventanas del Mar. I will dream about these meals until I get to go back!

[Aruba Bride]

I am getting married in Aruba next month and will be doing the same thing also. We are going to be legally married here and then have our REAL wedding in Aruba!!

[Pucca]

I'm sorry that you're feeling sad. But I know a lot of DW couples who are getting legally married at home prior to the actual DW because of the complications/hassles of making it legal as well as the expenses. I talked to my officiant who said that it was a great idea to be getting the legal paperwork out of the way prior to going abroad. Not only does it save us the headache of going through legal processes but also it's better, he said, to be abroad already legally married just for many practical reasons.

 

I don't think anyone who goes through the legal ceremony thinks of it as their "real" wedding. I don't think it's a real wedding unless you're putting on that dress you bought and have the flowers, decorations, music, etc. that you've planned. And I agree with jmastr05. I don't think people will attend your Aruba wedding thinking "this is not real". Especially after they see everything set up and see you walk down the aisle in your beautiful wedding dress. I'm sure they won't even remember that you got legally married previously, and it shouldn't matter anyway. Aruba will be YOUR wedding that they attended and that's how they'll remember it. I think that once your daughters are there they will probably realize all of this too. You've expressed the way you feel and this is YOUR wedding, YOUR day, so they should respect that no matter what it is that they personally feel or think. Besides, I've been to Aruba and I can't imagine that those blue waters can't change people's minds.  In the mean time, try not to stress so much and be sad. I know it's easier said than done but you can't be responsible for what other people think; just focus on the festivities ahead. 

 

Talking about eateries in Aruba, the Dutch Pancake House in Oranjestad was positively delicious! I went there twice during the five days or so I was there. And I also loved Charlie's Bar and Restaurant in San Nicolas. Yummy! I'm getting hungry now. lol!

 

 

 

Originally Posted by Kathie 

Hi. Not sure if this is in the right place, mods feel free to move it.

 

My FI and I are getting married in Aruba in October. To make things easier we decided to get married legally here to avoid paperwork, more expense, etc. I have two adult daughters who are giong to be my Maids of Honor. When they originally found out about the wedding in Aruba they weren't really happy about it and they told me they wouldn't be going. They hate the beach and would never travel to Aruba, it was expensive, etc. By the way, my girls are both very successful and make over 6 figures each. Of course I felt bad but what could I do?

 

My niece talked to them and said that they really should go. They felt bad and they booked their trip. As you can imagine I was ecstatic. I paid the $600 for their dresses and their room for 2 of the 4 nights they'll be there. I am paying for them to have a massage, manicure and pedicure as well as some other goodies for them.

 

One of my daughters called me the other night and I casually mentioned the date that we were getting legally married and asked if they would like to be included. She was shocked that I wasn't getting married in Aruba (I thought I already told them, I guess I didn't). She called me last night to tell me how upset she was that the whole purpose of them "taking a week off of work" and are spending a lot of money was because they thought we were really getting married in Aruba. I told her that it was just a signing of papers and it would not be our anniversary date and that it was very common for brides to do this. What we feel is that our real wedding is when our friends and family are with us on the beach as we say our vows and exchange rings and having the officient announce us as husband and wife. She starting going on again and I said "if that's the way you feel don't come" and hung up in her.

 

I am ashamed that I did that but I am so stressed out right now because of everything else going on (you all understand). I sent them both an email explaining how we felt and told them that I wasn't upset with them at all but I can't change the way they feel or how we feel. I told them that if that's how they feel that it was okay if they didn't go and offered to repay them for their airfare.They said they are still going but now I am feeling really sad about this.  What can I do or say to make myself feel better? I feel like the wedding is spoiled knowing that people will be there thinking it's not my "real" wedding. 

 

[Kathie]

Thanks Pucca. Since I wrote this I've spoken to my daughters and they are fine about it and I feel much better. Unless you're on a site like this I think people don't realize that's how it's done most of the time. Now I'm excited all over again and my invites went out today!

 

I love Charlie's Bar too, so unique. Where's the Dutch Pancake House?

[Pucca]

That's wonderful! So glad to hear that!

 

The Dutch Pancake House is in downtown Oranjestad on L.G. Smith Blvd. Here's the link on Tripadvisor: 

 

http://www.tripadvisor.com/Restaurant_Review-g147248-d952001-Reviews-Dutch_Pancake_House_Pannekoekhuis-Oranjestad_Aruba.html

 

 

Originally Posted by Kathie 

Thanks Pucca. Since I wrote this I've spoken to my daughters and they are fine about it and I feel much better. Unless you're on a site like this I think people don't realize that's how it's done most of the time. Now I'm excited all over again and my invites went out today!

 

I love Charlie's Bar too, so unique. Where's the Dutch Pancake House?