Difficult Family - still 16months to go!

[Sunshine2680]

 

Glad things are good between you two but you're right - this will have to get addressed sometime..and sooner rather than later. Going on and pretending like everything is perfect is not realistic and its going to catch up with you two. I'm so glad you've reconnected again - but ya - you're gonna have to face the fire at some point.
Give it a couple more days like you said - hopefully he'll have come around a bit by then too.
Approach the subject with humbleness and without hostility or high defenses. When one person goes on defense - others sense that and their defenses go up and no resolution is found.
But ya - remind him that this wedding is for the both of you - and not his family. Nevermind the financial side of it and this completely A$$inine to forfeit more cash to accommodate his family. I'd also be pointing out to them how much money YOUR family has lost in this whole mess!
Unless of course they're willing to foot the entire bill!
If that were the case - I'd be like "cool - I'll get married wherever you want as long as your paying for it!".
It is completely ridiculous that all this drama is over such little money...and you mentioned inititally that they're fairly well off..even paying for your FI's sisters wedding.
Cmon..I'd love to throw that in their face and see what they come back with.
Just remember that you're NOT being unreasonable with your expectations.
I find when there's tension and differences of opinion - and you need to talk it out - your approach 100% reflects how the conversation will go. If you approach him and his family with the intention of mending fences to make everyone happy - they'll see that you're not the enemy and you're trying to find a solution that works for everyone.
I think you also need to give yourself some time to 'cool down' too. Because if you come at him and/or his family with anger and hostility - you'll find yourself no better off than you are now.
Best thing to do is work things out with your FI first before even considering talking to his family again. You two have to be on a united front and you have to address that with him too. Explain that you respect that they're his family but you're supposed to be his family too and you feel like he's not on your side with any of this. Maybe ask him flat out what he WANTS...not whats right for other people..but just simply 'How do you want to marry me?'.  Ask him to pretend there's no issues or drama and imagine what his perfect wedding day would be like. I think if you make him realize that this is all about you two..it might make him turn around and actually FIGHT for what he wants..and not adhere to his family.

Wish I could offer more advice - I honestly don't know all the answers here - its a very complicated and ridiculous situation. But it is what it is and you just have to deal and move on.
Keep us posted!
Good luck when you do decide to finally talk to him.

[RobbyC]

I really feel for you!  That situation sucks!  Unfortunately I don't see him siding with anyone but his family.  His mom has a big hold on him it sounds like...  No matter what decision he makes he disappoints either his mother or his future wife.    Guys do not like to feel pressured and really hate having to choose sides, he needs to take some time and think about what HE really wants... Without influence from ANYONE! 

 

You are going to have to talk about this and soon, your family is already booked??  I assume his family knows this?  Do they have trip insurance or can they cancel if things do not go your way?  Can your family talk to his family and try and smooth things over?  

 

Good luck, I hope you get the wedding of your dreams!

 

[Peach]

I agree that you have to have a united front, and giving it a few days to cool off is definitely not a bad idea. I also agree that usually the way you approach something determines how it will play out, though I add the word 'usually'. Some people are just so automatically defensive that it does not matter how you come to them with something, they are still going to fly off at you. Unfortunate, but true. However, this is usually due to a guilty conscience! Even if his family is like that, remind yourself that it is likely because they feel like something (or a lot of things) in their behaviour has given them reason to be defensive, and that, by remaining strong but polite and calm, you are being the better person.

I would also remind them about the money your family has paid, and ask that, if they want you to postpone, that they personally refund your entire family's money. Least they could do, after all. If they say no, then you get to go do what you guys want anyway. If they say yes, then I would be curious to see where the money comes from that they were oh so concerned about. 

But yes, the most important thing is to get on the same page with your FI; does he want the same wedding you guys do?

Honestly, have you ever thought of eloping? I know I did when drama ensued with me... 

Good luck, and hope all is well with you. I know we will all be hoping for the best!

[Brenners]

I feel your pain (having my own family issues) and I understand a little of what you are all going through right now.  I just don't understand why people can be so hurtful and mean?  What do they gain by it?  I don't think I will ever understand.

[Peach]

I totally know what you mean! It must be exhausting to be miserable, don't you think?
 

Originally Posted by Brenners 

I feel your pain (having my own family issues) and I understand a little of what you are all going through right now.  I just don't understand why people can be so hurtful and mean?  What do they gain by it?  I don't think I will ever understand.

 

[Brenners]

I'm exhausted from being on the receiving end of it.  I have to deal with my family this weekend and next then I will be away from them for at least a couple of months.  I am hoping during that break that they will reconsider their actions and words but am preparing myself if they don't and what my next steps will be.  Good luck to everyone!

[Peach]

Good luck to you! I hope for the best for you.... 
 

Originally Posted by Brenners 

I'm exhausted from being on the receiving end of it.  I have to deal with my family this weekend and next then I will be away from them for at least a couple of months.  I am hoping during that break that they will reconsider their actions and words but am preparing myself if they don't and what my next steps will be.  Good luck to everyone!

 

[Brenners]

Thank you.  Good luck to you as well.
 

Originally Posted by Peach 

Good luck to you! I hope for the best for you.... 
 

 

 

[mdcoug]

I love it ! I love it!  I run this hen house. I wish I had the guts to say that t my FI family. 
 

Originally Posted by stluciabound 

I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT!!!! Last night I finally told my FI that I had enough and we went over to confront his family once and for all!!! His dad ended up not being home so we had a sit down with his mother. At first he wanted to go alone, but I went with my gut and insisted on being there so they couldn't manipulate him anymore. Thank goodness I did. For the first time ever she actually displayed her aggressiveness in front of me so I could address it, rather than playing nice to my face and then guilt tripping him behind my back. I can't possibly replay a 3 hour conversation (yes it was that long ugh!), but I will try and hit the hight points. She basiclaly said that they (his side of the family) has been "left out" and that it's my fault for shutting them out and not coming around. I told her not to be confused why I don't want to be around them after everything they have done it should be no surprise. She went on and on about how weddings should be a "family affair" and how could we do this knowing they couldn't make it. I didn't let her get away with any of it. She just started to cry,which obviously is her weapon of choice with her kids when she doesn't have a valid point, fortunately after all the pain they have caused us her tears didn't mean a thing to me. That might sound harsh, but I just saw it as attempted further manipualtion. She then told me that she was glad that the rest of the family wasn't there because they would be so upset that I was "doing this to her". I shut that down too. I said, "nobody is doing anything to you,you are being selfish and dramatic". I then told her that as much as I never wanted to be a "Bridezilla" she has forced me to be blunt... I AM THE BRIDE,  IT IS MY DAY, AND NOOOO YOUR OPINION ULTIMATELY DOES NOT MATTER!!! She just started to cry again. I told her that I love her son, he loves me, and our day is no longer up for discussion. They can either get on board or get out of the way. She just cried and said that this is her son and she wants it to be a certain way. My favorite line of the night came next...I said  "look at your son's face... look at what you are doing to him... he is MY HUSBAND... I know you wouldn't let anyone come into YOUR home and mess with YOUR family, so hear me now... Don't MESS with MY HUSBAND,don't MESS with MY MARRIAGE, quit messing with my family, and quit messing with me. I then told her that "I run this hen house now so BACK OFF!!!" I honestly don't even know where that came from,but damn it felt good. She just froze. She had nothing. She just said, well I guess that will be true when you get married... and I said, NO that was true the day he put a ring on my finger, the rest is just a technicality. Your reign is over. Sorry. Oh my Jesus could you hear the crickets. In any event, after not letting her get away with any of her antics she once again started to cry, pulled me to the side and said that she loves me, I will always be part of the family, and that she is sorry. She admitted to guilting the rest of the family to the point that they were terrified to attend our wedding and that everything was her fault. With that his father came home. Oh God. He gets psychotic when he is stood up to so I thought... ok here comes the rest of the disaster. To my unbelieveable pleasant surprise, his mother opened with... "We need to start being more enthusiastic about their wedding and I now believe that the animosity in the family is because of me and my own guilt". Holy S***t!!! Did I just hear that right??? After 9 months of torture did I seriously just hear that??? She then asked me to email her additional trip info so that they may try again to come. Don't get me wrong, quite frankly after all they have put us through I was getting quite fond of the idea of them staying the hell home, but I am happy for him. I could tell for the first time he felt accepted by them. Pretty sad that that is what it took, but still I was happy for his sake. When we left he said, "thank you for doing that, I finally feel like I am able to get excited". A bittersweet triumph, but it felt so good. I DID IT!!!
 

 

[mdcoug]

Ladies, 

 

Can I just say I am so glad that I found this section of the forum. I knew others have dealt with/or were going through what I am dealing with. I like many of you have said from the beginning knew that by having a DW that many of the people we would be inviting would not be able to attend, but I figured that we could do a little BBQ a couple of weeks after we get back. I am truly OK with someone telling me that they can not come due to cost. But I do a problem when you tell me you can not come, then turn around and make me feel like I am terrible person for wanting to have my wedding somewhere other then then the state we live in. We chose destination mainly for cost and also because we had not gone on vacation in sometime.  I was super, super excited about having a DW in Turks and Caicos but after the craziness started ramping up I have lost a little bit of my zing. For us it is my FI family, my FI mood was changing so I knew the family was on his case about something but didn't know what. I was also getting the little hints with comments such as " is this place expensive?" Then last week it finally came out that they would not be coming. Soo like others WE got into it because I was immediately asked with allot of attitude " why did you pick a place so expensive?" and " is it too late to change now?" Now on the defensive I wasn't really sure how to fire back on these allegations with out being super angry and nasty.  I told everyone from the get go we would be paying for his mom to come so please do not worry about her cost, but now I feel like there is this extremely weird vibe between them and me.  They were originally talking to me about it then switched to just talking to him. I guess I should have said from the beginning every since we moved into our house there has been non-stop comments about what I don't have, this isn't good enough, why don't I do this, you paid too much for that so in some ways I should have expected this from them but is still doesn't make me feel any better and my FI really doesn't stand up to them either.  I am at the stage now where I do not want to even do the BBQ afterward, I am just so angry more with myself that I have allowed them to make me feel so bad to the point where I was starting to think maybe I should see if I could move it to a different location.