Difficult Family - still 16months to go!

[stluciabound]

Awesome, thank you! I am heading there now then
 

Originally Posted by Sunshine2680 

stluciabound - I found my wording on this site somewhere.
I think I was looking at the threads where people were posting pics of all their Boarding pass invites! There are a gazillion good ideas on there
Plus a lot of people will post their templates too!

 

[stluciabound]

Hey Ladies... this is officially the worst post I could have imagined. This last week has been the worst of my life, so bad I couldn't even bring myself to write until now. After my confrontation with his mom 2 weeks ago and with her apology I thought we were on the right track. Against my better judgement I allowed him to convince me last Sunday to go to his parent's for a "family" bbq. Despite my anxiety I went hoping that it would be a mark of a new beginning. His parents actually were fine, but his siblings... not so much. The second we walked in I knew something would happen due to his brother and his trashy gf deciding not even to turn around to say hello to us. I thought maybe I was being paranoid so I tried to engage her in some small talk at which point she deliberately refused to acknowledge my existence. Mind you, I have been in this family for four years now while she has been around for less than two and was married to someone else when she and his brother got together. Nice, right? She also just finally moved in with him less than 2 weeks ago... so I guess that qualifies her to be the family spokesperson? Anyway, I tried to ignore everything for the whole day and be peaceful. Finally, after dinner his sister (my supposed maid of honor) asks if we are allowed to bring up the wedding since no one on his side has done so in about 6 months... of course I said yes, I just hadn't wanted to upset anyone that didn't want to discuss it if it made them uncomfortable. She actually was really heartfelt and we started to make some progress, which obviously infuriated his brother's gf (she has opportunistically tried to "take my place" in the family since all the turmoil started... she didn't want to lose any ground I am sure) and she started chiming in about how we are awful people for planning a wedding where our nephew (a 1 year old baby, and no, not her baby) can't go. I am sorry, what is your name again? You have been around like 10 minutes and that ISN"T EVEN YOUR KID!!! But, I am sure she thought this would win her family points so she just kept running her disgusting mouth (and by the way, I even asked her to be a bridesmaid because I felt bad she would be the only one not included on our day... BIG MISTAKE). In any event, everything starts spiraling out of control. Apparently in his family logic is not a necessary part of a conversation because every time we had a valid point they would just say something outrageous. Well, after being circled around and attacked for about an hour my FI finally stood up to say that was enough and nearly had to get physical with his own brother, his "best man". It was only then I received a forced, fake, half-assed apology that somehow my FI thought I should just accept instantly. Seriously?? Anyway, everything blew up and I left the next day. I just got in the car and started driving. I ended up in a hotel in Georgia last Monday night and Tuesday continued the trip to my best friend's house in NC. I called him the following day and he was so livid with me. I wanted so badly for him to realize that I had had enough and had finally snapped, but he couldn't bring himself past his own anger. He expressed to my friend that he knew it was his family's fault, but when he talked to me he was just angry. Well, I spent 5 days there and found a pocket in the midst of hurricane Irene to try and make it home to figure out what was going on. I spent the whole week reflecting on what portions of this whole mess I needed to take responsibility for rather than just trying to feel sorry for myself. It seems us women are the only ones who really do that, because he didn't seem to have done that at all. It broke my heart. The coldness in his stare when I got home was so painful. He told me how much he loves me, but that our wedding "date" would not happen. He didn't want to leave me or us, but just that we would need to push back the date. That is ridiculous and I will not accept that. We will have been together 4 and a half years at that point with a joint home,finances, and responsibilites. I really believe his family has just destroyed any and all calm we once had as our own. They are among the most selfish childish people I have encountered and I never would have seen this coming in a million years. I am so heartbroken. We are getting along like we always have now, but I am terrified to bring back up our date. We are all full of laugh and love, because I am making a conscious effort not to be a nag and to try to remind him of the way we always were, but I am terrified. Our inviations are about to arrive and I am sure my dress is in but I am too afraid to even check my voicemail to hear that I need to come and pick it up. I just want my life back. I just think it is  so convenient that they all have their relationships in perfect tact while they just try to ruin ours all because of deciding on a DW. I just feel like I am going to throw up I am so disgusted. Even if/when we work things out, how do I forgive his family for what they are trying to do? Especially when he is so desperate for their approval that he can't see how screwed up they are? Sorry for the long vent, it has been the week form hell. Thanks for listening.

[Sunshine2680]

OMG! *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS* *HUGS*
You poor thing! I can't even imagine how you're feeling right now. That is SO HORRIBLE!! I'm sorry but -even I'm getting emotionally effected by this! WTF is their problem?!?!!?
Their behavior is completely inexcusable and though I realize its his family - he should still be standing up for you (more than he has been). I mean no disrespect to you or your FI - but if this were me..I woudl have done the same thing. Enough is enough. It totally sucks to have to make your FI make a choice between you and his family - but like what was said before..YOU are his future. YOU GUYS are not getting married for them! YOU ARE GETTING MARRIED FOR YOU.
I'm sorry - but it seems A LOT of people have lost sight of this and now it's all come crashing down. Not gonna lie - I'm surprised also that he would even be upset with you at all. And now you're being forced to change all the plans?
Does anyone else feel like this is the twilight zone???

I'm glad you two have reconciled and I'm certainly not going to poke my nose where it doesn't belong - but are you genuinely truly happy? I know you're stuck between a rock and hard place because you'll be faced with a lifetime of awkwardness and turmoil when it comes to his family - but at the same time..why should you have to sacrifice what YOU want for your wedding? Have you actually sat down..calmly...and discussed with your FI how you truly feel?
I mean seriously - look what this whole thing has done to you! You're too scared to even check your voicemail!
I'm sorry but there is something very wrong with this picture.

Again - I don't want to disrespect you or your FI - I'm just someone who speaks her mind and I'm getting the feeling  here that you're not a very happy bride-to-be. This is your wedding!! This is supposed to be one of the happiest periods in your life!!
I honestly don't know how to tell you to move forward. But I think your 1st step should be to have a heart to heart with your FI. Maybe you guys can come to a compromise or something? Maybe not St.Lucia..but maybe not something right at home either. I dunno.
Sorry - not sure what else to say..I feel so bad for you right now.
Keep us posted though - Hopefully this will all work itself out somehow

[kat2012]

That is horrible!!! I feel so bad for you. I just can't get why this fight has anything to do with your date? His family won't get better attitude later on... I hope you will figure out on how to deal with crazies...

[Peach]

Oh my god, that is terrible! I totally get you snapping, and though I sympathize that it is a difficult decision for your FI, having to choose between you and his family, I really do not get why he is mad at you. His family is putting him in the bad situation; why is he not mad at them?

Maybe try writing out your feelings to him, kind of in a letter, and give it to him to read while you are there. That way you can get it all out, thoroughly, without him interrupting, but while you are still present. I don't know, is that lame? I think it must be so hard and so stressful living like you are walking on eggshells....

Oh this must be so hard. I wish I knew what to say...

[FutureMrzMalone]

Stluciabound, I am really sorry to hear this. What his family has done and continues to do is inexcusable. I know it may be hard for him to choose between you and your family but I dnt see why he wants to push the wedding back. Why should you all put your lives on hold all because he has a family full of donkey's butts!!! Sorry but that is what they are acting like!! I hope things get better. Keep us updated!!

[stluciabound]

Thanks so much to each of you!!!! I am trying to just take one day at a time right now, but all of your kind words always make it easier and keep things in perspective for me. When so many people tell you that you are wrong you start to question yourself, and yes, it totally feels like the twilight zone. But,I think that is all part of the manipulation, if everyone is against me then maybe they can try to convince Andy that I am the crazy one?!? It's like I am the evil one trying to destroy the family with my big evil DW and they are just trying to "save" their family. So ridiculous. I think they spent so many years creating good little brain-washed children that they don't want anyone to come in and "shine the light". It makes me sick to even have to think that about a family, but seriously, what choice have they left me?

 

To answer some of your questions... yes, I truly am happy. He is my best friend and love of my life. When left to our own devices we are as close to perfect as any realtionship I have encountered. We have always had such a strong relationship. We see life the same, we view the world the same, and we share all of our dreams and goals (not trying to sound cheesy, but we really always have). Prior to our engagement we rarely ever argued and certainly never went to bed angry. We have never had even the slightest of trust issues. This is why this is all so hard to swallow. It is so out of character for us and it makes me so angry that a so-called family could inflict this much sadness, upsetment, and confusion on an otherwise very happy and excited engaged couple. I just think they should be so ashamed.

 

And I will definitely NOT be changing my date or location. I have done quite enough compromising. We already lost time and money originally trying to do the big, local wedding... one wedding canceled. By the time we finally agreed on St Lucia I was so excited. I went back to the drawing board and my parents put down a lot of deposits for us and have already paid for their deposit and flights, which are non-refundable. My best friend and her husband are booked. Our invitations have been ordered and partially paid for. It is not fair for all the investments made by us and my family to need to once again be thrown away. How do they think that is fair to MY family? The family of the BRIDE no less?? We have already lost more money than it would cost them to attend, I am not going to do it a second time. Can you believe I priced out their trip the other day and (not at our resort, but a half mile away and over a 4 star resort, which we would also pay for their day pass the day of) for both flights and a 3 night stay was only $1300!! Are you kidding me?? We are arguing over $1300 when we gave you a year's notice and it is your son's wedding??? My parents paid more than that to come down for our engagement party from Pennsylvania!! And, were going to have to pay it again whether we got married here in FL or anywhere else. In fact, I even brought that up to his family... since I am the bride would it be unreasonable for me to require that I get married in my own home town? They said no, that would have been fine with them, that they would go to Philly if that's what I chose,because it would be cheaper and they could drive. Cheaper, really? Cheaper than $1300? Um, yea, don't think so. We have both flown and drove there multiple times and would have been lucky to spend less than $2000. Nice try people. So what really are we arguing about then? I have no idea... just the idea of control I think. It's my damn wedding and I shouldn't have to fight with anyone for "control". He and I are currently getting along really well and have not brought up the wedding since the upsetment of my first night back home. Just trying to feel some normalcey for a bit I think. But,  let's face it, we need to address it. I am terrified to bring it up. He is being so stubborn and I don't want to bring it up prematurely and ruin our progress. If it comes down to it, as much as it will piss me off, I just feel like saying we will pay for their trip. But, honestly, I don't even know that that will fix it, because I don't think it is the money that is really the problem. I am sure they will decline anyway out of pride or something and then where will I be? Where will he be? Where will WE be? Everytime I think about my wedding I get excited and then I remember, oh yea, right now there is no wedding. If he thinks for one second that after all these years, everything we have been through, and me waiting for this engagement and wedding for my whole life that we can just go merrily along and just continue to play house with no marriage then he is out of his mind. I don't even think that is what he really wants. I just think he is being stubborn. He is so much better than this and I just pray that he comes to his senses and realizes that the back and forth needs to end. It is time to embrace our choice and to move forward without regret. I believe when people  see that we are happy and confident they will stop trying to come in for the kill. Ugh. I think I am going to give things a few more days to really settle down before bringing it back up. I even considered just going over to his parents and telling them we would be paying for the trip,but with the way they manipulate things I am sure that would backfire too. Any advice would be great!!!! Thanks to you all for everything, as always. I'll keep you posted for sure. Please keep your fingers crossed for me!!!!

[kat2012]

I am glad things are getting better for two of you and I hope that you can talk some sense into him. Maybe you should remind him that this wedding is about you two and that is all it matters... And maybe ask him, what solution he thinks is the best for this situation, so you will be able to hear his point of view and then go from there. And maybe say that you love his family and sincerely wish for them to be there and not having to fight with them anymore. I hope it helps.

I am getting so angry just reading about what they put you through, but anyways, if you stay calm, you can definitely outsmart them and find best tactics to get things your way.

I wish you all the best!!!

[FutureMrzMalone]

Stluciabound I am glad that things are beginning to get better for you. I hope that when you do bring up the subject of the wedding date that he really is just being stubborn so you guys can move forward again. Keep us updated. We are rooting for you!!!
 

Originally Posted by stluciabound 

Thanks so much to each of you!!!! I am trying to just take one day at a time right now, but all of your kind words always make it easier and keep things in perspective for me. When so many people tell you that you are wrong you start to question yourself, and yes, it totally feels like the twilight zone. But,I think that is all part of the manipulation, if everyone is against me then maybe they can try to convince Andy that I am the crazy one?!? It's like I am the evil one trying to destroy the family with my big evil DW and they are just trying to "save" their family. So ridiculous. I think they spent so many years creating good little brain-washed children that they don't want anyone to come in and "shine the light". It makes me sick to even have to think that about a family, but seriously, what choice have they left me?

 

To answer some of your questions... yes, I truly am happy. He is my best friend and love of my life. When left to our own devices we are as close to perfect as any realtionship I have encountered. We have always had such a strong relationship. We see life the same, we view the world the same, and we share all of our dreams and goals (not trying to sound cheesy, but we really always have). Prior to our engagement we rarely ever argued and certainly never went to bed angry. We have never had even the slightest of trust issues. This is why this is all so hard to swallow. It is so out of character for us and it makes me so angry that a so-called family could inflict this much sadness, upsetment, and confusion on an otherwise very happy and excited engaged couple. I just think they should be so ashamed.

 

And I will definitely NOT be changing my date or location. I have done quite enough compromising. We already lost time and money originally trying to do the big, local wedding... one wedding canceled. By the time we finally agreed on St Lucia I was so excited. I went back to the drawing board and my parents put down a lot of deposits for us and have already paid for their deposit and flights, which are non-refundable. My best friend and her husband are booked. Our invitations have been ordered and partially paid for. It is not fair for all the investments made by us and my family to need to once again be thrown away. How do they think that is fair to MY family? The family of the BRIDE no less?? We have already lost more money than it would cost them to attend, I am not going to do it a second time. Can you believe I priced out their trip the other day and (not at our resort, but a half mile away and over a 4 star resort, which we would also pay for their day pass the day of) for both flights and a 3 night stay was only $1300!! Are you kidding me?? We are arguing over $1300 when we gave you a year's notice and it is your son's wedding??? My parents paid more than that to come down for our engagement party from Pennsylvania!! And, were going to have to pay it again whether we got married here in FL or anywhere else. In fact, I even brought that up to his family... since I am the bride would it be unreasonable for me to require that I get married in my own home town? They said no, that would have been fine with them, that they would go to Philly if that's what I chose,because it would be cheaper and they could drive. Cheaper, really? Cheaper than $1300? Um, yea, don't think so. We have both flown and drove there multiple times and would have been lucky to spend less than $2000. Nice try people. So what really are we arguing about then? I have no idea... just the idea of control I think. It's my damn wedding and I shouldn't have to fight with anyone for "control". He and I are currently getting along really well and have not brought up the wedding since the upsetment of my first night back home. Just trying to feel some normalcey for a bit I think. But,  let's face it, we need to address it. I am terrified to bring it up. He is being so stubborn and I don't want to bring it up prematurely and ruin our progress. If it comes down to it, as much as it will piss me off, I just feel like saying we will pay for their trip. But, honestly, I don't even know that that will fix it, because I don't think it is the money that is really the problem. I am sure they will decline anyway out of pride or something and then where will I be? Where will he be? Where will WE be? Everytime I think about my wedding I get excited and then I remember, oh yea, right now there is no wedding. If he thinks for one second that after all these years, everything we have been through, and me waiting for this engagement and wedding for my whole life that we can just go merrily along and just continue to play house with no marriage then he is out of his mind. I don't even think that is what he really wants. I just think he is being stubborn. He is so much better than this and I just pray that he comes to his senses and realizes that the back and forth needs to end. It is time to embrace our choice and to move forward without regret. I believe when people  see that we are happy and confident they will stop trying to come in for the kill. Ugh. I think I am going to give things a few more days to really settle down before bringing it back up. I even considered just going over to his parents and telling them we would be paying for the trip,but with the way they manipulate things I am sure that would backfire too. Any advice would be great!!!! Thanks to you all for everything, as always. I'll keep you posted for sure. Please keep your fingers crossed for me!!!!

 

[AllieH]

glad things are settling down! sheesh, the drama is just unreal. 

 

 and we are rooting for you!