Difficult Family - still 16months to go!

[FutureMrzMalone]

That is what this forum is for. :-)  I want to personally THANK YOU because you have been extremly helpful to me as far as my MANY, MANY questions about my resort. I think that time really does heal all wounds. It is a time for happiness and that is what you and your FI should be. Just continue to move and Push forward. We are all here for you, to support you. I think you can forgive it is the forgetting that will be the hardest but you seem like a strong woman and I know you are going to be fine. Keep us updated!! :-)

Originally Posted by stluciabound 

THANK YOU LADIES!!!! Wow what a week!! I want you all to know how appreciative I am for you. After everything that has been going on I was beginning to feel like I was drowning, but everytime I came on here and heard your similar stories or words of support I felt just a little bit stronger. I really think it was that that gave me the strength to finally stand up. When you feel so alone you start to feel like you are in the twilight zone, but you all brought me back to center. THANK YOU!!! For the first time he is really getting excited. He believes they will come now and I can see the validation on his face. I am happy for him. My struggle now is to try and forgive and forget everything that happened and move forward, but I guess time heals all wounds. At least I hope so

 

 

[Sunshine2680]

 

She's right! Thats exactly what this forum is for! I'm so glad I decided to post my story on here - I was so nervous because I thought everyone was thinking (quit your whining and get over it)...but to my surprise there's not only FABULOUS support on here...but there's brides on here who can relate also! And thats the best remedy for what we're all going through.
Gives us the strength we need to pick up and carry on..but most of all it validates our feelings. We all know us girls deal with stress differently than guys do. We NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT to feel better..and thats exactly what this forum has done!
Sooooo glad to have everyone here!! May actually get to continue on with this engagement and wedding planning with some sanity!

[MJKH]

Yaaaay Sunshine...that's good to hear! ; )  I would be surprised if there is anyone having a DW that DOESN'T have something crappy behind the scenes going on...you are sooooo not alone.  

[countrybride]

GOOD FOR YOU! I am so happy you told her! Good way to start your marriage off on a clean slate and getting out all those feelings. Less stress between you and your FI too! Good job
 

Originally Posted by stluciabound 

I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT!!!! Last night I finally told my FI that I had enough and we went over to confront his family once and for all!!! His dad ended up not being home so we had a sit down with his mother. At first he wanted to go alone, but I went with my gut and insisted on being there so they couldn't manipulate him anymore. Thank goodness I did. For the first time ever she actually displayed her aggressiveness in front of me so I could address it, rather than playing nice to my face and then guilt tripping him behind my back. I can't possibly replay a 3 hour conversation (yes it was that long ugh!), but I will try and hit the hight points. She basiclaly said that they (his side of the family) has been "left out" and that it's my fault for shutting them out and not coming around. I told her not to be confused why I don't want to be around them after everything they have done it should be no surprise. She went on and on about how weddings should be a "family affair" and how could we do this knowing they couldn't make it. I didn't let her get away with any of it. She just started to cry,which obviously is her weapon of choice with her kids when she doesn't have a valid point, fortunately after all the pain they have caused us her tears didn't mean a thing to me. That might sound harsh, but I just saw it as attempted further manipualtion. She then told me that she was glad that the rest of the family wasn't there because they would be so upset that I was "doing this to her". I shut that down too. I said, "nobody is doing anything to you,you are being selfish and dramatic". I then told her that as much as I never wanted to be a "Bridezilla" she has forced me to be blunt... I AM THE BRIDE,  IT IS MY DAY, AND NOOOO YOUR OPINION ULTIMATELY DOES NOT MATTER!!! She just started to cry again. I told her that I love her son, he loves me, and our day is no longer up for discussion. They can either get on board or get out of the way. She just cried and said that this is her son and she wants it to be a certain way. My favorite line of the night came next...I said  "look at your son's face... look at what you are doing to him... he is MY HUSBAND... I know you wouldn't let anyone come into YOUR home and mess with YOUR family, so hear me now... Don't MESS with MY HUSBAND,don't MESS with MY MARRIAGE, quit messing with my family, and quit messing with me. I then told her that "I run this hen house now so BACK OFF!!!" I honestly don't even know where that came from,but damn it felt good. She just froze. She had nothing. She just said, well I guess that will be true when you get married... and I said, NO that was true the day he put a ring on my finger, the rest is just a technicality. Your reign is over. Sorry. Oh my Jesus could you hear the crickets. In any event, after not letting her get away with any of her antics she once again started to cry, pulled me to the side and said that she loves me, I will always be part of the family, and that she is sorry. She admitted to guilting the rest of the family to the point that they were terrified to attend our wedding and that everything was her fault. With that his father came home. Oh God. He gets psychotic when he is stood up to so I thought... ok here comes the rest of the disaster. To my unbelieveable pleasant surprise, his mother opened with... "We need to start being more enthusiastic about their wedding and I now believe that the animosity in the family is because of me and my own guilt". Holy S***t!!! Did I just hear that right??? After 9 months of torture did I seriously just hear that??? She then asked me to email her additional trip info so that they may try again to come. Don't get me wrong, quite frankly after all they have put us through I was getting quite fond of the idea of them staying the hell home, but I am happy for him. I could tell for the first time he felt accepted by them. Pretty sad that that is what it took, but still I was happy for his sake. When we left he said, "thank you for doing that, I finally feel like I am able to get excited". A bittersweet triumph, but it felt so good. I DID IT!!!
 

 

[asiamarie1]

Good for you for standing up for not only youself but your FI as well!! Way to go!!!

Originally Posted by stluciabound 

I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT!!!! Last night I finally told my FI that I had enough and we went over to confront his family once and for all!!! His dad ended up not being home so we had a sit down with his mother. At first he wanted to go alone, but I went with my gut and insisted on being there so they couldn't manipulate him anymore. Thank goodness I did. For the first time ever she actually displayed her aggressiveness in front of me so I could address it, rather than playing nice to my face and then guilt tripping him behind my back. I can't possibly replay a 3 hour conversation (yes it was that long ugh!), but I will try and hit the hight points. She basiclaly said that they (his side of the family) has been "left out" and that it's my fault for shutting them out and not coming around. I told her not to be confused why I don't want to be around them after everything they have done it should be no surprise. She went on and on about how weddings should be a "family affair" and how could we do this knowing they couldn't make it. I didn't let her get away with any of it. She just started to cry,which obviously is her weapon of choice with her kids when she doesn't have a valid point, fortunately after all the pain they have caused us her tears didn't mean a thing to me. That might sound harsh, but I just saw it as attempted further manipualtion. She then told me that she was glad that the rest of the family wasn't there because they would be so upset that I was "doing this to her". I shut that down too. I said, "nobody is doing anything to you,you are being selfish and dramatic". I then told her that as much as I never wanted to be a "Bridezilla" she has forced me to be blunt... I AM THE BRIDE,  IT IS MY DAY, AND NOOOO YOUR OPINION ULTIMATELY DOES NOT MATTER!!! She just started to cry again. I told her that I love her son, he loves me, and our day is no longer up for discussion. They can either get on board or get out of the way. She just cried and said that this is her son and she wants it to be a certain way. My favorite line of the night came next...I said  "look at your son's face... look at what you are doing to him... he is MY HUSBAND... I know you wouldn't let anyone come into YOUR home and mess with YOUR family, so hear me now... Don't MESS with MY HUSBAND,don't MESS with MY MARRIAGE, quit messing with my family, and quit messing with me. I then told her that "I run this hen house now so BACK OFF!!!" I honestly don't even know where that came from,but damn it felt good. She just froze. She had nothing. She just said, well I guess that will be true when you get married... and I said, NO that was true the day he put a ring on my finger, the rest is just a technicality. Your reign is over. Sorry. Oh my Jesus could you hear the crickets. In any event, after not letting her get away with any of her antics she once again started to cry, pulled me to the side and said that she loves me, I will always be part of the family, and that she is sorry. She admitted to guilting the rest of the family to the point that they were terrified to attend our wedding and that everything was her fault. With that his father came home. Oh God. He gets psychotic when he is stood up to so I thought... ok here comes the rest of the disaster. To my unbelieveable pleasant surprise, his mother opened with... "We need to start being more enthusiastic about their wedding and I now believe that the animosity in the family is because of me and my own guilt". Holy S***t!!! Did I just hear that right??? After 9 months of torture did I seriously just hear that??? She then asked me to email her additional trip info so that they may try again to come. Don't get me wrong, quite frankly after all they have put us through I was getting quite fond of the idea of them staying the hell home, but I am happy for him. I could tell for the first time he felt accepted by them. Pretty sad that that is what it took, but still I was happy for his sake. When we left he said, "thank you for doing that, I finally feel like I am able to get excited". A bittersweet triumph, but it felt so good. I DID IT!!!
 

 

[Peach]

WOW That was so awesome! You go girl! I totally agree... think of how good that was for your marriage! I truly think you are starting in a good honest place now. And what is even more, if things start to go backward again (crossing fingers that is a huge no) you and your FI both know who is responsible... it was all out in the open! I am totally in awe! Way to go!

 

I also want to thank everyone for offering supportive words and suggestions to me too... My mom is continuing to be the same (we did pay her a visit) but I guess I really cannot be surprised. I am just focusing on positives as much as possible.

 

My dad also told us we cannot (yes, CANNOT) invite any of my extended family. The logic being that, since my grandparents cannot come, it is not right to ask aunts and uncles and cousins. I thought we could ask and let them decide, but apparently that is not an option. And, since family cannot come, he is not sure that we should have other friends and stuff too.... sort of a family-is-most-important-solidarity thing. So now we are going to be struggling to get our minimum number to book. Grrrrr.... Oh well... if FI family is excited, they can come; it is better to be around the ones who are truly excited anyway. I just always thought I had this huge, fairly close family. Oh well. AND my dad (who IS actually excited about me getting married, BTW, he is just struggling with the idea of a DW, but he is trying really hard) said that the whole family would not want to come in the summer anyway (they are farmers.... cannot leave growing crops)....I reminded him that, since I am a teacher, I get summers off, so it needs to be then.... and besides, isn't it most important that I am there? haha!

Plus, he told me that it is so hard to plan, since we do not know if my grandparents will even be alive.... and I reminded him that that would be true wherever we get married. There is ALWAYS drama about the wedding, no matter where it is... 

 

At least all of our drama will still result in us getting the wedding we want!

[stluciabound]

Thanks again everybody!!!! You really have all been my life savers and my only regret is that we all don't live closer so that we may get together for a drink and cheers one another both in the good times and the bad!! Either way I am always cheersing you all in spirit!!!

 

And Sunshine... I am also so glad you posted this thread. There are so many great ones on here, but to find one where you really connect and relate to one another is such a blessing!! Thank you for putting yourself out there even when you were feeling nervous so we could all find one another!! I really hope that everything comes around for you and for everyone so that at the end of the day we all get the day we have dreamt of and most certainly deserve!

 

And to Peach... I am sorry to hear your mom has not yet come around. I don't know what it is that makes people remain so stubborn at times I am glad though that you are remaining positive, as you should be. As far as your Dad's request... how do you feel about that? Are you ok with it? It reminds me of when my FI's mom said we were "not allowed" to send out invitaions because it is "rude". Granted, it is a lot easier for me to reject his mother's demands after everything we have been through than it may be for you with your father... but geez... I can't imagine if your grandparents knew he said this they would want that... I definetly don't know the whole story and certainly don't want to speak out of turn, but I would imagine if you sat down with them compassionately they would tell you that just because they can't be there doesn't mean that they don't want anyone else that loves you to be there. If anything, doesn't loving someone mean you want the best for them even if it isn't perfect for yourself? I would venture to guess, since it seems you are lucky enough to have a close family, that they would be happy to know that there is as much love surrounding you as possible,whether that be in the form of family or friends (which I consider to be our "chosen" family). Perhaps there is another way you can honor them so they feel included and important without having to sacrifice including others that are important to you? I wish you the best of luck and at least you know you have all of us!! Keep us posted!!

[Sunshine2680]

Thanks Stluciabound!

Peach - I agree...I really dont think ANYONE (even ur dad) has a right to tell you who you can and cannot invite to your wedding. Are people forgetting thats its JUST an invite?
It doesn't by any means require them to attend. In my eyes an invitations says 'Hey..we'd love for you to be there and share our special day'..THATS IT.
In my eyes that's one of the most honorable things anyone can get in the mail! LOL
There's no guilt trips behind it...no hidden agendas. You're just telling certain people that you want them there on your wedding day! What is so wrong with that??
Maybe if you put it into that perspective for your dad he may see different.

I have people who have already said they won't be attending...but I'm STILL sending them an invite. I think its proper wedding etiquette  anyway.
Thats just my two cents.

[FutureMrzMalone]

Um.. yeah I would have to agree with Sunshine2680 on this one Peach. I don't think anyone has the right to tell you who you can an cannot invite to your wedding.
 

Originally Posted by Sunshine2680 

Thanks Stluciabound!

Peach - I agree...I really dont think ANYONE (even ur dad) has a right to tell you who you can and cannot invite to your wedding. Are people forgetting thats its JUST an invite?
It doesn't by any means require them to attend. In my eyes an invitations says 'Hey..we'd love for you to be there and share our special day'..THATS IT.
In my eyes that's one of the most honorable things anyone can get in the mail! LOL
There's no guilt trips behind it...no hidden agendas. You're just telling certain people that you want them there on your wedding day! What is so wrong with that??
Maybe if you put it into that perspective for your dad he may see different.

I have people who have already said they won't be attending...but I'm STILL sending them an invite. I think its proper wedding etiquette  anyway.
Thats just my two cents.

 

[Peach]

Well I sat down with my parents last night and told them the same thing... that they should all get an invite regardless, and they were adamantly against it. They did agree to mention and 'feel out' everyone first though, in case they are wrong. I do have a pretty traditional family, so I can see the whole solidarity and head-of-the-family idea, and my parents are reasoning that they will all be there at the AHR, so I guess I will just keep on doing what I am doing. Family stuff is all so different, isn;t it?

 

Thank you all so much for listening to me whine and vent about it. That helps so much!