Difficult Family - still 16months to go!

[FutureMrzMalone]

Awww.. Thanks Sunshine2680 I agree about making promises you can't keep. I am guessing your friend has children? Is that correct? If so is there a way her husband and her could just go so that would cut the cost in half or stay at a cheaper resort that is close to the one that you are getting married at?
 

Originally Posted by Sunshine2680 

Never apologize for venting - thats what this forum is for - because I know my FI is already sick of hearing me vent about my wedding woes. LOL
Best thing is - we can ALL relate
You're right - you do really find out who your real friends are in situations like this. I had one of my oldest best friends tell me from the get-go "I will make sure I'm at that wedding - I'd do whatever it takes!"...yet when it was time to book - she retreated bigtime saying they couldn't afford it. Which is fair to some degree - cuz it would cost them about $5000 for the 4 of them to go - but I really wish she didn't guarantee me she'd be there. I got my hopes up and it was a huge let down. She said she felt bad - and of course I couldn't be angry at her - it was just a huge let down. Don't make promises you can't keep!

 

[Sunshine2680]

Well - see thats what upset me to begin with - because she said she'd come even if it was without her hubby (like bring a gf and then she's only paying for herself) - but when she told me she wasnt coming she said 'I can't go to Mexico without my husband!- not fair to him'...and because her parents are donkeys (in my opinion) - and won't take their kids for more than 2 nights (give me a break - but whatev - can't judge). His family isn't an option as they aren't here.
So ya...its fine..I'm not going to push - I know 5 grand is a lot of money - I'm just more upset at the fact that she basically promised she's be there no matter what and that 'promise' was a bunch of BS.
Oh well.
I'm focusing on the positive - there are 30 people booked! WAY more than we expected anyway - so we're happy!

 

Originally Posted by FutureMrzMalone 

Awww.. Thanks Sunshine2680 I agree about making promises you can't keep. I am guessing your friend has children? Is that correct? If so is there a way her husband and her could just go so that would cut the cost in half or stay at a cheaper resort that is close to the one that you are getting married at?
 

 

 

[FutureMrzMalone]

Yea that sucks and I don;t understand why she can't go without her husband. It's not like she is going to be there alone. But like you said Whatev. LOL What I have done is exactly done what you did focus on the people that are coming and the ones that won't be there is there lost. LOL One thing I can say it if someone tels me that they aren't coming I won't ask again i.e push.. iIt's funny because a lot of ppl think that I will beg and plead with them to go.. Nope. I have learned that people are just full of BS so um yeah like you said Oh well if they don't come then they don't come.
 

Originally Posted by Sunshine2680 

Well - see thats what upset me to begin with - because she said she'd come even if it was without her hubby (like bring a gf and then she's only paying for herself) - but when she told me she wasnt coming she said 'I can't go to Mexico without my husband!- not fair to him'...and because her parents are donkeys (in my opinion) - and won't take their kids for more than 2 nights (give me a break - but whatev - can't judge). His family isn't an option as they aren't here.
So ya...its fine..I'm not going to push - I know 5 grand is a lot of money - I'm just more upset at the fact that she basically promised she's be there no matter what and that 'promise' was a bunch of BS.
Oh well.
I'm focusing on the positive - there are 30 people booked! WAY more than we expected anyway - so we're happy!

 

 

 

[FutureMrzMalone]

Oh btw you have a Lot of people booked and your wedding is still over a year a way!!! YAYY!!!!
 

Originally Posted by Sunshine2680 

Well - see thats what upset me to begin with - because she said she'd come even if it was without her hubby (like bring a gf and then she's only paying for herself) - but when she told me she wasnt coming she said 'I can't go to Mexico without my husband!- not fair to him'...and because her parents are donkeys (in my opinion) - and won't take their kids for more than 2 nights (give me a break - but whatev - can't judge). His family isn't an option as they aren't here.
So ya...its fine..I'm not going to push - I know 5 grand is a lot of money - I'm just more upset at the fact that she basically promised she's be there no matter what and that 'promise' was a bunch of BS.
Oh well.
I'm focusing on the positive - there are 30 people booked! WAY more than we expected anyway - so we're happy!

 

 

 

[Sunshine2680]

Yes! So true!
Whatever will be - will be
There's a few that have said upfront that they can't commit right now - but maybe see how things are in the new year. Totally cool with me.
I'll joke around and drop little hints like "Wow, Paityn will be 3 by then - perfect for my flower girl! hint hint' - but they know i'm just buggin and there's no pressure
What i like about those people is that they haven't fed me any BS. They literally said - 'We'd love to go - but can't make guarantees'.
Hey - fine by me- thats all I ask! Just the fact that they say they WANT to be there is enough to put a smile on my face!
And yes - you're SO right - 30 people booked (committed) back in April of this year! Which was like 20 months out from the wedding! So it helps to focus on that - and realize how many people there are who TRULY care about this wedding- - SO much that they're commiting that early.
My FI and I were SHOCKED - and honored to see such a huge response! So ya- focusing on that more and more - rather than the negative nelly's!

[stluciabound]

I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT!!!! Last night I finally told my FI that I had enough and we went over to confront his family once and for all!!! His dad ended up not being home so we had a sit down with his mother. At first he wanted to go alone, but I went with my gut and insisted on being there so they couldn't manipulate him anymore. Thank goodness I did. For the first time ever she actually displayed her aggressiveness in front of me so I could address it, rather than playing nice to my face and then guilt tripping him behind my back. I can't possibly replay a 3 hour conversation (yes it was that long ugh!), but I will try and hit the hight points. She basiclaly said that they (his side of the family) has been "left out" and that it's my fault for shutting them out and not coming around. I told her not to be confused why I don't want to be around them after everything they have done it should be no surprise. She went on and on about how weddings should be a "family affair" and how could we do this knowing they couldn't make it. I didn't let her get away with any of it. She just started to cry,which obviously is her weapon of choice with her kids when she doesn't have a valid point, fortunately after all the pain they have caused us her tears didn't mean a thing to me. That might sound harsh, but I just saw it as attempted further manipualtion. She then told me that she was glad that the rest of the family wasn't there because they would be so upset that I was "doing this to her". I shut that down too. I said, "nobody is doing anything to you,you are being selfish and dramatic". I then told her that as much as I never wanted to be a "Bridezilla" she has forced me to be blunt... I AM THE BRIDE,  IT IS MY DAY, AND NOOOO YOUR OPINION ULTIMATELY DOES NOT MATTER!!! She just started to cry again. I told her that I love her son, he loves me, and our day is no longer up for discussion. They can either get on board or get out of the way. She just cried and said that this is her son and she wants it to be a certain way. My favorite line of the night came next...I said  "look at your son's face... look at what you are doing to him... he is MY HUSBAND... I know you wouldn't let anyone come into YOUR home and mess with YOUR family, so hear me now... Don't MESS with MY HUSBAND,don't MESS with MY MARRIAGE, quit messing with my family, and quit messing with me. I then told her that "I run this hen house now so BACK OFF!!!" I honestly don't even know where that came from,but damn it felt good. She just froze. She had nothing. She just said, well I guess that will be true when you get married... and I said, NO that was true the day he put a ring on my finger, the rest is just a technicality. Your reign is over. Sorry. Oh my Jesus could you hear the crickets. In any event, after not letting her get away with any of her antics she once again started to cry, pulled me to the side and said that she loves me, I will always be part of the family, and that she is sorry. She admitted to guilting the rest of the family to the point that they were terrified to attend our wedding and that everything was her fault. With that his father came home. Oh God. He gets psychotic when he is stood up to so I thought... ok here comes the rest of the disaster. To my unbelieveable pleasant surprise, his mother opened with... "We need to start being more enthusiastic about their wedding and I now believe that the animosity in the family is because of me and my own guilt". Holy S***t!!! Did I just hear that right??? After 9 months of torture did I seriously just hear that??? She then asked me to email her additional trip info so that they may try again to come. Don't get me wrong, quite frankly after all they have put us through I was getting quite fond of the idea of them staying the hell home, but I am happy for him. I could tell for the first time he felt accepted by them. Pretty sad that that is what it took, but still I was happy for his sake. When we left he said, "thank you for doing that, I finally feel like I am able to get excited". A bittersweet triumph, but it felt so good. I DID IT!!!
 

[Sunshine2680]

WOW! Good for you!!! That is so awesome that you stood up to her! Even better that you were able to do it with your FI sitting there watching! Mine happens to be oh so protective of his mom so I know I'd never get away with talking to her like that - LOL - but then again if he saw with his own eyes how much of a biatch she was being - might be a different story. Lol. But then i would make him stand up to her - ha ha

Still though - congrats. Sounds like you made some awesome progress..and definitely put her in her place! Yay! Hopefully she'll CHILL now with the rest of the wedding planning and make things easier for you. Now you'll have to see if you can get the rest of his family to come around - hopefully there's no ireparable (sp) damage!

[kat2012]

Well done!! I am so glad you showed her... You have guts, I am amazed.

I hope the rest of the planning will be as smooth as possible.

Good luck!!!!

 

Originally Posted by stluciabound 

I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT!!!! Last night I finally told my FI that I had enough and we went over to confront his family once and for all!!! His dad ended up not being home so we had a sit down with his mother. At first he wanted to go alone, but I went with my gut and insisted on being there so they couldn't manipulate him anymore. Thank goodness I did. For the first time ever she actually displayed her aggressiveness in front of me so I could address it, rather than playing nice to my face and then guilt tripping him behind my back. I can't possibly replay a 3 hour conversation (yes it was that long ugh!), but I will try and hit the hight points. She basiclaly said that they (his side of the family) has been "left out" and that it's my fault for shutting them out and not coming around. I told her not to be confused why I don't want to be around them after everything they have done it should be no surprise. She went on and on about how weddings should be a "family affair" and how could we do this knowing they couldn't make it. I didn't let her get away with any of it. She just started to cry,which obviously is her weapon of choice with her kids when she doesn't have a valid point, fortunately after all the pain they have caused us her tears didn't mean a thing to me. That might sound harsh, but I just saw it as attempted further manipualtion. She then told me that she was glad that the rest of the family wasn't there because they would be so upset that I was "doing this to her". I shut that down too. I said, "nobody is doing anything to you,you are being selfish and dramatic". I then told her that as much as I never wanted to be a "Bridezilla" she has forced me to be blunt... I AM THE BRIDE,  IT IS MY DAY, AND NOOOO YOUR OPINION ULTIMATELY DOES NOT MATTER!!! She just started to cry again. I told her that I love her son, he loves me, and our day is no longer up for discussion. They can either get on board or get out of the way. She just cried and said that this is her son and she wants it to be a certain way. My favorite line of the night came next...I said  "look at your son's face... look at what you are doing to him... he is MY HUSBAND... I know you wouldn't let anyone come into YOUR home and mess with YOUR family, so hear me now... Don't MESS with MY HUSBAND,don't MESS with MY MARRIAGE, quit messing with my family, and quit messing with me. I then told her that "I run this hen house now so BACK OFF!!!" I honestly don't even know where that came from,but damn it felt good. She just froze. She had nothing. She just said, well I guess that will be true when you get married... and I said, NO that was true the day he put a ring on my finger, the rest is just a technicality. Your reign is over. Sorry. Oh my Jesus could you hear the crickets. In any event, after not letting her get away with any of her antics she once again started to cry, pulled me to the side and said that she loves me, I will always be part of the family, and that she is sorry. She admitted to guilting the rest of the family to the point that they were terrified to attend our wedding and that everything was her fault. With that his father came home. Oh God. He gets psychotic when he is stood up to so I thought... ok here comes the rest of the disaster. To my unbelieveable pleasant surprise, his mother opened with... "We need to start being more enthusiastic about their wedding and I now believe that the animosity in the family is because of me and my own guilt". Holy S***t!!! Did I just hear that right??? After 9 months of torture did I seriously just hear that??? She then asked me to email her additional trip info so that they may try again to come. Don't get me wrong, quite frankly after all they have put us through I was getting quite fond of the idea of them staying the hell home, but I am happy for him. I could tell for the first time he felt accepted by them. Pretty sad that that is what it took, but still I was happy for his sake. When we left he said, "thank you for doing that, I finally feel like I am able to get excited". A bittersweet triumph, but it felt so good. I DID IT!!!
 

 

[FutureMrzMalone]

You go girl!!!! :-) I am soo glad you did it. I felt your words trought he screen. :-) LOL I am glad things are starting to turn around.

Originally Posted by stluciabound 

I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT!!!! Last night I finally told my FI that I had enough and we went over to confront his family once and for all!!! His dad ended up not being home so we had a sit down with his mother. At first he wanted to go alone, but I went with my gut and insisted on being there so they couldn't manipulate him anymore. Thank goodness I did. For the first time ever she actually displayed her aggressiveness in front of me so I could address it, rather than playing nice to my face and then guilt tripping him behind my back. I can't possibly replay a 3 hour conversation (yes it was that long ugh!), but I will try and hit the hight points. She basiclaly said that they (his side of the family) has been "left out" and that it's my fault for shutting them out and not coming around. I told her not to be confused why I don't want to be around them after everything they have done it should be no surprise. She went on and on about how weddings should be a "family affair" and how could we do this knowing they couldn't make it. I didn't let her get away with any of it. She just started to cry,which obviously is her weapon of choice with her kids when she doesn't have a valid point, fortunately after all the pain they have caused us her tears didn't mean a thing to me. That might sound harsh, but I just saw it as attempted further manipualtion. She then told me that she was glad that the rest of the family wasn't there because they would be so upset that I was "doing this to her". I shut that down too. I said, "nobody is doing anything to you,you are being selfish and dramatic". I then told her that as much as I never wanted to be a "Bridezilla" she has forced me to be blunt... I AM THE BRIDE,  IT IS MY DAY, AND NOOOO YOUR OPINION ULTIMATELY DOES NOT MATTER!!! She just started to cry again. I told her that I love her son, he loves me, and our day is no longer up for discussion. They can either get on board or get out of the way. She just cried and said that this is her son and she wants it to be a certain way. My favorite line of the night came next...I said  "look at your son's face... look at what you are doing to him... he is MY HUSBAND... I know you wouldn't let anyone come into YOUR home and mess with YOUR family, so hear me now... Don't MESS with MY HUSBAND,don't MESS with MY MARRIAGE, quit messing with my family, and quit messing with me. I then told her that "I run this hen house now so BACK OFF!!!" I honestly don't even know where that came from,but damn it felt good. She just froze. She had nothing. She just said, well I guess that will be true when you get married... and I said, NO that was true the day he put a ring on my finger, the rest is just a technicality. Your reign is over. Sorry. Oh my Jesus could you hear the crickets. In any event, after not letting her get away with any of her antics she once again started to cry, pulled me to the side and said that she loves me, I will always be part of the family, and that she is sorry. She admitted to guilting the rest of the family to the point that they were terrified to attend our wedding and that everything was her fault. With that his father came home. Oh God. He gets psychotic when he is stood up to so I thought... ok here comes the rest of the disaster. To my unbelieveable pleasant surprise, his mother opened with... "We need to start being more enthusiastic about their wedding and I now believe that the animosity in the family is because of me and my own guilt". Holy S***t!!! Did I just hear that right??? After 9 months of torture did I seriously just hear that??? She then asked me to email her additional trip info so that they may try again to come. Don't get me wrong, quite frankly after all they have put us through I was getting quite fond of the idea of them staying the hell home, but I am happy for him. I could tell for the first time he felt accepted by them. Pretty sad that that is what it took, but still I was happy for his sake. When we left he said, "thank you for doing that, I finally feel like I am able to get excited". A bittersweet triumph, but it felt so good. I DID IT!!!
 

 

[stluciabound]

THANK YOU LADIES!!!! Wow what a week!! I want you all to know how appreciative I am for you. After everything that has been going on I was beginning to feel like I was drowning, but everytime I came on here and heard your similar stories or words of support I felt just a little bit stronger. I really think it was that that gave me the strength to finally stand up. When you feel so alone you start to feel like you are in the twilight zone, but you all brought me back to center. THANK YOU!!! For the first time he is really getting excited. He believes they will come now and I can see the validation on his face. I am happy for him. My struggle now is to try and forgive and forget everything that happened and move forward, but I guess time heals all wounds. At least I hope so