Difficult Family - still 16months to go!

[elisamarie]

I am so sad to hear your story. Number one, you need to leave that house, no matter what you have to sacrifice , you cannot keep living there because you'll never heal until you get out of that atmosphere. I hope you have somewhere that you can go until you get back on your feet, because where you live right now is just toxic. Time will heal, I promise. Life continues and something bigger and better awaits you. What you have gone through right now is just a small fraction of your life, and you will look back on this someday and say " wow those were bad times but everything worked out perfectly". It always does. Trust me, I know.

[Brenners]

st.lucia bound, how are you doing?  Are you still living in the same house as your former fiance?  Just wanted to touch base to see how you are doing.  I agree with elisamarie that the sooner you move out, the better off you will be.

[stluciabound]

Thank you so much everyone for all your kind words and support!!! Yes, we are still living in the same house. We have been getting along pretty well, which makes it a bit more pleasant than fighting of course, but it's not healthy. It is just confusing and blurring our status. One day he talks about moving out and the next he will make casual references to the future. It is so frustrating. Does he seriously think he gets to cancel our wedding, take back the ring, and then just pretend like everything is back to normal? I need to be able to move on and not waste any more of my life on a relationship that has been destroyed. I want him to leave and I have told him to go, but yet, here he stays. I would leave,  but I have nowhere to go. I have no family here, he does (obviously since they have been the problem all along). Then, the other day he tells me that he was talking to his mom and she brought up the fact that the holidays are coming and that she wanted him to let me know that they would still open their home to me if I chose to come. Are you kidding me? Is that supposed to be some kind of favor? As if they are the ones who have been wronged?!? I don't go over there because the thought of seeing them or stepping foot in that house ever again makes me sick, not because I am afraid that I'm not "allowed" there. But, the extent of their self-centeredness (don't know if that's really a word lol) never ceases to amaze me.

Yesterday he made some comment about not wanting to move out because he thinks I am going to make him still pay some of the bills for the house. I assured him that I wanted nothing from him and not to worry about me or the house, please just go. Then he calls me in the middle of the day to tell me he loves me and wants things to work out. He is in such denial. I really think he cancelled everything to please his mommy and now that he realizes that means our relationship has to end he is terrified. He doesn't know what to do with himself and it is exhausting me. The damage has been done, I just want to move on now. Ugh. Sorry for the rant. I will keep you posted

[kat2012]

He does sound like he is in a regret from what you are saying. I feel really sorry for him...

Poor guy got so brainwashed by his dear mom, that he can't think with his own brain. I think you are better off without this insane family all together you deserve way more!

Good luck and keep us updated.
 

Originally Posted by stluciabound 

Thank you so much everyone for all your kind words and support!!! Yes, we are still living in the same house. We have been getting along pretty well, which makes it a bit more pleasant than fighting of course, but it's not healthy. It is just confusing and blurring our status. One day he talks about moving out and the next he will make casual references to the future. It is so frustrating. Does he seriously think he gets to cancel our wedding, take back the ring, and then just pretend like everything is back to normal? I need to be able to move on and not waste any more of my life on a relationship that has been destroyed. I want him to leave and I have told him to go, but yet, here he stays. I would leave,  but I have nowhere to go. I have no family here, he does (obviously since they have been the problem all along). Then, the other day he tells me that he was talking to his mom and she brought up the fact that the holidays are coming and that she wanted him to let me know that they would still open their home to me if I chose to come. Are you kidding me? Is that supposed to be some kind of favor? As if they are the ones who have been wronged?!? I don't go over there because the thought of seeing them or stepping foot in that house ever again makes me sick, not because I am afraid that I'm not "allowed" there. But, the extent of their self-centeredness (don't know if that's really a word lol) never ceases to amaze me.

Yesterday he made some comment about not wanting to move out because he thinks I am going to make him still pay some of the bills for the house. I assured him that I wanted nothing from him and not to worry about me or the house, please just go. Then he calls me in the middle of the day to tell me he loves me and wants things to work out. He is in such denial. I really think he cancelled everything to please his mommy and now that he realizes that means our relationship has to end he is terrified. He doesn't know what to do with himself and it is exhausting me. The damage has been done, I just want to move on now. Ugh. Sorry for the rant. I will keep you posted

 

[Sunshine2680]

Oh dear - I was hoping you would reply saying you weren't sharing the same roof anymore. Understandble that you cant just pick up and leave...however i agree with the other gals that its really not healthy with you being there.
As bad I as I do feel for him...i get the sense that he's getting the best of both worlds right now. Pleasing his mother and being with you. Thats not fair to you. And even though I'm sure without a doubt that he still loves you- calling you up and telling you that isn't very respectful of you and situation. If your relationship is over..then it must end. With him doing that its like dangling candy in front of a kid and yanking it away. Its like saying 'Hey..remember how awesome we are together? oh wait..but no i can't marry you'. Not cool. I'm sure he's confused and not doing it on purpose but that still doesn't make it right. If you have to co-exist for a while longer till you figure yourself out I would be telling him to stop with the 'I love you's'..and referencing the future. UNLESS he's willing to kick his family to the curb and go through with this promise of making a life with YOU.
That Christmas BS is exactly that. BS. I would have laughed if that was said to me. I would have told his family where to shove their 'invitation'. LOL

But ya - get outta that house girl! Its noooo good for either of you. Its really just torturing each other seeing what you could have had. He really need to learn what he's done by letting his family get in the way. With having you there everyday...I feel he's kinda having his cake and eating it too.
Sorry - just my opinion.

But keep us posted for sure!! No matter what!
 

Originally Posted by stluciabound 

Thank you so much everyone for all your kind words and support!!! Yes, we are still living in the same house. We have been getting along pretty well, which makes it a bit more pleasant than fighting of course, but it's not healthy. It is just confusing and blurring our status. One day he talks about moving out and the next he will make casual references to the future. It is so frustrating. Does he seriously think he gets to cancel our wedding, take back the ring, and then just pretend like everything is back to normal? I need to be able to move on and not waste any more of my life on a relationship that has been destroyed. I want him to leave and I have told him to go, but yet, here he stays. I would leave,  but I have nowhere to go. I have no family here, he does (obviously since they have been the problem all along). Then, the other day he tells me that he was talking to his mom and she brought up the fact that the holidays are coming and that she wanted him to let me know that they would still open their home to me if I chose to come. Are you kidding me? Is that supposed to be some kind of favor? As if they are the ones who have been wronged?!? I don't go over there because the thought of seeing them or stepping foot in that house ever again makes me sick, not because I am afraid that I'm not "allowed" there. But, the extent of their self-centeredness (don't know if that's really a word lol) never ceases to amaze me.

Yesterday he made some comment about not wanting to move out because he thinks I am going to make him still pay some of the bills for the house. I assured him that I wanted nothing from him and not to worry about me or the house, please just go. Then he calls me in the middle of the day to tell me he loves me and wants things to work out. He is in such denial. I really think he cancelled everything to please his mommy and now that he realizes that means our relationship has to end he is terrified. He doesn't know what to do with himself and it is exhausting me. The damage has been done, I just want to move on now. Ugh. Sorry for the rant. I will keep you posted

 

[DazzlingDeb23]

Im so sorry that anyone has to go through any of this! As we all know it id stressful enough planning a wedding let alone a destination wedding. I would say just talk and associate with those that support and love you and ignore the others who can't keep their opinions to thereselves. Good luck and happy planning on the wedding :-)

[Brenners]

I agree that he sounds like he regrets his decision - to a point.  Only enough to keep stringing you along.  He may or may not be trying to keep you on the line, however, he clearly has no intent to stand up to his family so the "I love you" calls mean nothing.  Actions really do speak louder than words and his actions have said that you are not his top priority and never will be.  He appears to lack a spine and his mom sounds like one of those old witchy women from a Jane Austen novel - she got what she wanted so now she wants to pretend to be the bigger person knowing full well that you will refuse her "invitation" so that she can say that she tried but you won't be reasonable.  You may need to get a lawyer involved if you both own the house and he refuses to leave.  That costs money, however, many employers offer an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) to their employees where you call and can get in touch with a lawyer for free legal advice.  It would be worth a try because the next step in the mind of his calculating and manipulative mother may be to get her son the house and leave you with absolutely nothing.  She sounds capable of anything and you need to protect yourself - especially now since he is doing his own manipulation by confusing you with his words of regret.

[stluciabound]

Thank you all again for all of your heartfelt responses. I could not agree with each of you more. As soon as the turmoil began I felt like getting married was the "candy". At first with him saying "I'm not marrying you on April 14th", then it was about St. Lucia, then finally about the ring. Now, this seems like an extension of that altogether. It's  almost embarassing to write because it makes it sound like I was with a man that never loved me or had any intention of marrying me, but that couldn't be further from the truth. This literally all manifested at the hands of his mother as soon as we got engaged, which once again, she desperately wanted. He keeps just saying I can't marry you because things will never be the same between you and my family (um.... no kidding), but then he keeps asking, what is it going to take to make this right? Well, to me it should be crystal clear, and honestly with the amount of respect I have lost for him as a man and potential husband figure I don't know that it's possible... but certainly a demonstration of backbone and setting and enforcing boundries for our relationship and decisions regardless of who the intruding party is would be a minimum start. I need  a man that defends and protects me and our relationship... not because I tell him to, but because he wants to and needs to. I don't feel like that is even remotely unreasonable.

I also agree with you all that now he more or less is having his cake and eating it too. Despite the unpleasantness of it all he still, to some degree, gets to please mommy and still be around me for some undetermined length of time. And because of us wanting to make it as pleasant as possible and all the history we have, it has evolved into a relationship within a breakup. There is no way this can end well.

Just to add a bit of irony... as I was just reading your responses and replying the Dr. Phil show came on and is featuring a future monster-in-law,her son, and his fiancee. Apparently everything was fine until they got engaged, which is when the mother jumped into this borderline incestuous obsession with her son and trying to ruin his marriage. It is like I am watching a mirror of the last 10 months of my life. The damn mother even looks just like his mom lol!!! I feel like waking him up and making him just sit and watch it!! But, I am sure he would just point out how his family wasn't doing those exact things and miss the whole point anyway haha. I just need to find a way to move forward. We have been living this bazaar situation now for a solid 2 months and everything has become so blurred I don't know where to start. As recently as 2 weeks ago at his last work function we had his coworkers congratulating us on our engagement. SERIOUSLY?? I guess as I write this it becomes more clear that it is my own fault for allowing myself to continue to be in these situations. I am the only one that can put a clearcut end to the nonsense. I guess the normalcy just felt comforting. Ugh. Luckily we don't own this house, but at the moment neither one of us can afford it alone. I am willing to get 10 jobs if I have to so he can leave. It is getting him out that will be the problem. I told him to go back to his parents since they are so great and all, but he says he "can't" aka doesn't want to. In my opinion, he should have thought about that before he did what he did (or didn't do,rather). But how do you force someone out? I don't want this to become a war and "hate" each other. I just want to move on. Other main concern,both ofour cars are in his name... if I really get headstrong to get him out and he takes both cars then I can't get to work. He told me he will sign one over to me, but let's face it, as Brenners pointed out,his mother is so vindictive I am sure she will try to convince him to screw me out of that, too. What a mess. Grrr. Well,it's time tostart my day. Thanks, as always, for everything ladies!! xo

[Sunshine2680]

Oy - what a sticky-icky mess! I do feel for you - and I hate to be the one to throw this point out....but I think you're going to have to swallow some financial losses to get away from him.
Its pretty clear you're done with him - emotionally. You're right - regardless of what you feel or felt for him...he's not someone you thought he was. And you're also right in that you deserve someone who will fight for you and your relationship. He's proven he is not that man...nor will he ever be.
I'm glad you've seen that aspect already..and realized you deserve so much more.

No..how do we get you out!?!...other than changing the locks on him..ha ha!

What about your family? Didn't you mention you wanted to move somewhere else anyway?
Is there a way for you to find work there? I agree with Brenners - maybe see if you can seek some legal advice and find out what your options are.
Do you have any friends in town that you could stay with?

I know if it were me - I'd move home with the 'rents for a while...till I got back on my feet. Finding a new job..and getting $ together to get a place of my own.
As far as the cars go...maybe see if he will actually put it in your name..and if you can get him to do so..you have no financial ties to him. By the sounds of things - you really have nothing stopping you from packing up your stuff and leaving.
He's refusing to leave because he knows/thinks you have nowhere else to go. I think its time to prove him wrong. I hate to say it but it may even be worth giving up the car to get out.
Of course its your call though - but it sounds like you're aware that staying there is just toxic for you. And 'you' is what you have to think about and concern yourself with now.
Not him.

[Peach]

Well said, Sunshine.

I agree. I just wish there was a way so you would not lose the car, but really, you just have to get out. Break clean, fresh start. It will be scary as hell, but you can do it. You deserve more than this.

Sorry to say it, but it's true.