Best Man wants to drop out.. :(

[DramaticAnnie]

Hi Brides;

 

So I'm discouraged and a little frustrated, I figure this is the best place to go.

 

For our cruise wedding next year, we talked to everyone in our wedding party first to see if people actually had the financial means to go, because we couldn't cover anyone's trip really, we are going to help his Mom pay for hers but that's like his only family member going and she's on pension, etc.

 

So, the best man was one of our "iffy" people and my FI really wanted him to be able to go. We outlined the price for them and they took the cheapest possible option, an inside cabin on the ship. Then the best man's fiancee wanted her sister to go along too, so there will be three of them sharing a room, which makes it even cheaper for them when they split the cost like that. They were pretty excited about going and got their deposit together before the deadline, etc.

 

At first everyone was talking about how they were going to be putting money away for the trip and the best man and his fiancee were going to quit smoking and put that money they were going to save away, etc.

 

Now he's got a day surgery coming up and is going to have to be off work for a number of weeks. We are familiar with the surgery because my fiancee had it done in January and was off for six weeks. Apparently his is more servere and he will have to be off for longer, so he's going to go on unemployment. Now, I know this sounds perfectly acceptable and you guys are probably thinking I'm a horrible person for thinking this, but this guy LOVES going on unemployment. For all the years we've known him he only works long enough to be able to have enough hours to go on unemployment. And he's told my FI that if he is on unemployment, they probably won't be able to afford going on the cruise.

 

Then we see his fiancee's facebook updates about this new thing they are into and buying all of these supplies and ordering stuff online, we see them going out to eat and stuff like that then they tell us there's no way they have any extra money to be able to go... this is frustrating.

 

He had always planned for these three guys to be standing for him in his wedding - Let's call them 1, 2 and 3. 1 is his best man, who is now basically saying he's dropping out after paying his deposit. 2 is a guy he was pretty close to but he moved away and never bothered getting in touch like he said he would.. plus his ex gf got it into her head that FI was saying stuff about her.. drama.. and 3 was this one who contacted me with a totally made up story about my FI bringing other women with him when he goes to visit, etc. and I just sent the msgs on to my FI who confronted him about it, and his retaliation was "you never visit me anymore" and he was all pissy about that - after him having moved way into the sticks and he knows my FI works almost everyday.. ugh. Basically, he's lost 2 friends in the last year or so that he THOUGHT were his friends.. and now this last guy who isn't 100% close with him but he wanted him to be his best man... is all wishy washy.. and I know he's really upset and he's basically saying well I don't have very many friends left, what am I going to do...

 

I know this happens to almost everyone when they're planning a DW - there's already more bridesmaids then there are groomsmen, and now if the Best man drops out I'm not sure what it's going to do...

[Evgal]

I totally understand how you feel.  People commit and then they don't... but I think most guys are clueless. At least know that they tried and if circumstances (minus the drama) allowed it they would most likely be there.   Try not to stress and get wrapped up in their drama.   Spend your energy on finding someone more reliable to stand by your man.  How about a brother or cousin?  

[JayKay]

It is very frustrating but kind of to be expected with destination weddings.  I think maybe the best thing would be for your FI to sit down with him and explain just how much is would mean to him to be there. I'm not sure if you are getting married on the cruise ship or in a port on some island, but maybe his best man can even come for the wedding part (if it is before you depart) and then not come on the cruise.  Good luck with things! 

[DramaticAnnie]

Unfortunately, there is no brother or cousin of his. My two brothers are standing for him as groomsmen, and so is my cousin who ended up bring a good friend of his, but I know he wanted his best man to be one of his childhood friends or someone he's been close to for a long time and it's not looking like that's going to work.

 

I like that suggestion of having him sit down with him and explaining to him how much it would mean for him to be there. It's a little bit sad but he really doesn't have many close friends anymore. We are getting married on a cruise ship so it would be physically possibly for the best man to come to the ceremony and then leave the ship, but that still means him flying from Nova Scotia, Canada to Florida, staying overnight with us at the port, getting on the ship the next day for 3 hours and then leaving and flying back..? Kind of a bummer and a lot of money just for an overnight thing.

 

Thanks for your help guys!

[TammyWright]

it is a bummer that your fiance's friends are bailing but one of the realities of having a destination wedding is that people that you thought were going to be at your wedding, aren't able to make it.

 

there was no guarantee that they would make it if you had a local wedding either because people are just flaky.

 

my now husband lost one of his best men of a sudden death right before our wedding so he was still grieving at our wedding....just an example that things could be worse...its your wedding so celebrate and be happy and don't sweat the small stuff that is out of your control.

[DramaticAnnie]

Thanks Tammy, that's true, with the way their behaviour has been lately my fiancee said today even if we had a local wedding he doesn't know if they would be able to show up. It does suck though and I feel bad for him, but you're also right with the it could be worse thing.. we just lost a friend of ours to cancer on June 28th, does put things in perspective for you.

 

I just feel bad, I don't want anyone thinking this is mainly "my" wedding.. he already doesn't have a large family.. and now the men standing for him will be all relatives of mine (and he is good friends with my cousin but still). I went to a wedding on July 2nd and all of the attendants, even the maid of honor, were all from the groom's family. It was kind of odd that the brides family or friends werent in the actual wedding party so it was sort of viewed as more of "his family's" celebration rather then both of their families celebration..? If that makes sense.

 

So an UPDATE.. I got an email today from my travel agent saying that the best man's fiancee called her and cancelled their trip. I don't even know if they'll be able to get their deposit money back but apparently they're willing to 'take the hit'. My fiancee is super upset.. more pissed off then anything because we can both see on her facebook updates about all the things she's buying, etc and then they turn around and say they don't have the money for this. They are also booked into the cheapest option available and don't have that big of a price tag to pay, and they have 9 months to pay but they're bailing on us now? I'm sorry for sounding a little selfish but it really feels like to us that the best man's fiancee does not give a hoot about our wedding or the fact this is one of his only friends.. the best man had told my FI that he would crunch the numbers again and call us if they made a decision either way.. but he did not call us, we had to hear that their trip was cancelled from the travel agent.

And I thought my brother and his family booking on the same cruise ship, except for a month before my wedding therefore totally adding insult to injury was bad enough.

[elisamarie]

Sorry to read about your best man troubles, we have gone through the same things with my fiances father saying he can;t afford to go.We then offered to pay for his whole trip and still he refused. I think maybe some people just say they can't afford it when really they have another reason for not wanting to go. It sucks when certain people you really want there won't be there, but I think these things happen whether you are getting married locally or away. Hope you find someone to fill his place - someone that appreciates it and actually is happy to be there.

[Cdunn514]

I am so sorry about this happening to you. I have a very similar situation..

 

My FI grew up with 5 really close friends and I always knew even before we got engaged that they would be in his wedding. I was worried about fining 5 people to stand up for me, but I asked friends, my cousin and my FSIL. So my FI asked 4 of the guys and had not seen the one one that he was going to ask to be his BM. Well We had to go to a couples baby shower for his BM and fiancee. When we first got there he walked up to my FI and said so have you asked anyone to be in the wedding yet, and my FI said that he had asked almost everyone. So he was like ok well when are you going to ask me! First of all I can not believed he said this, my FI didnt even want to ask him during the baby shower, but he was like um ok well will you be my best man, and of course he said yes.

 

Now we went out to dinner with them before that happened right after we got back from vacation where we got engaged and they were asking us about the wedding and we had told them that it was going to be a destination wedding in January in Mexico we just didnt have the resort picked out. Before anyone was asked to be in the wedding we sent out the STD so everyone could research weather or not they would be able to go or not. So he knew where, when and how much before he asked when he was going to be asked to be in the wedding.

 

Now I always thought that his fiancee would not come due to the baby, and i completely understand that. They had the baby in April so i can see why she would not want to go, 2 days after the baby was born the BM called and told my FI that he didnt think that he would be able to go because they couldn't afford to both go. Ok, so why cant he just come, I mean this is your best friend since you were 10, you can got for a long weekend? So my FI told him to not say no for sure right now it was still a ways away, my FI also offered to help him pay to go on the trip, which we are not helping anyone but he said he would help the BM and pay his air fair which is more then the room would cost for 4 days. So the BM said that he would think about it and they would talk about it later.

 

Well about 3 weeks ago on a Saturday I woke up and checked my email, he had emailed us both to say that he can not come because they can not afford it. First of all he EMAILED, i mean you can not even call my FI and tell him, second the email he sent to my FI is an old one that he used like 5 years ago! So to this day my FI has not read it, I told him what it said and asked him if he wanted to read it and he said no. I know having a new baby is expensive, but a couple things about this really bother me, first of all you ASKED to be in the wedding when you knew you were having a baby and that it was going to be in Mexico, and my travel agent had told me he had been in contact with her before that so it is not like he didnt know how much it cost. Second, if the roles were reversed i know my FI would have been there for him, and i would have insisted that he went (I personally think that she is telling him that he can not go).

 

Anyways sorry for my rambling this has been bothering me for awhile so i know how you feel, my FI decided that he is just going to have 4 GM and no BM. I told him to ask his sisters BF who have been dating for 7 years so he is pretty much a part of the family, but he feel that if asks anyone else to be in the wedding or if he asks any of them to be his BM that it will kind of be like you were my second choice.

 

So I know how you feel, it really upsets me but I am now to the point where I think in 5 years when him and his fiancee will most likely not even be together still, everyone will still be talking about how great our wedding was and he wasn't there!

[Cdunn514]

Sorry if that was confusing, I am still a little worked up about it so it might not have come out very clear!

[anna524]

wow thats horrible!! i hope everything works out for the best!!!