NEED ADVICE!! MAID OF HONOR ISSUES (VERY LONG)

[Soon2BNJersey]

I wanted to talk to my fellow brides because I am torn, what to do???

 

I have a small wedding party, my MOH and two other bridesmaids.  My friend of 12 years that I selected as my MOH was on board with the planning at first, now things have taken a big turn. 

 

STRIKE 1:

I am getting married in about 2 mos and we spoke ONLY ONCE about my bridal shower, she never asked for my names/addresses or anything since then. 

 

STRIKE 2:

she doesn't have her passport for her trip and all she did was put down a deposit back in the fall, she lost her job and has been on two trips and planned a graduation party just last week.

 

STRIKE 3:

when she originally booked she didn't have a roomate so she just gave her sister's name to get the double occ. rate at the travel agent. she now wants to bring her new boy toy as her roomate, BUT HAS NOT ADDED HIM AND FINAL PAYMENTS ARE DUE IN A WEEK! (sidenote: a  maid of honor who brings a new man to a wedding she will be running around for... hmmmm )

 

STRIKE 4:

last week I buried a close friend of mine and instead of asking how I was doing, she asked if 2 days after the funeral If I could supply music and equipment for her graduation party.  (yeah like I would be in the mood to help you throw a party when u forgot to plan mine)

 

STRIKE 5:

a few days ago I injured my neck and asked for a contact number to see a doctor that she referred me to.  afterwards I found the number but did she even call to check on me.....NOPE.

 

 

We had a talk a few months back and I told her that she was dropping the ball, I need help, and I need someone to help keep me on my toes.  not sit around and wonder if your gonna cancel because of finances and poor planning.  I respect her life and what she has going, but if you agree to be in a wedding, I think you should make time just a lil time for the wedding party.  It's like she just landed a new man and turned her back on everyone (unless she wants something)

 

She has flaked in the past and we used to have a great friendship,  I don't know if this one will last. I am VERY turned off by her behavior and am questioning if I want that type of energy around me on my wedding day. 

 

On the good side, my other bridesmaid has really stepped up and our friendship is stronger than ever, If I knew we would have become this close she would have been my MOH from the start. 

 

I don't know BDW I am on the fence, I don't wanna turn away someone who wants to be with me on my wedding day, but i don't wanna be around someone that I could end up resenting.  I am really having a hard time forgiving her especially when she doesn't think she did anything wrong.  SMH

 

What to do:

 

 

 

[celticgirl]

I am having the EXACT same issue, I am a Canadian Bride, and my MOH is in the US..... so theres already a distance issue.. upon asking her she said that I can email her any choices and selections and she will be the best long distance planner EVER... biggest fail ever, she hasnt helped me one bit.  I keep "joking" about her craptacular MOH job, and she laughs it off and tells me shes been busy busy busy (which she totally has, she works 60 hour weeks it seems AND goes to school, so I respect shes busy) In the mean while shes going to vegas on her weekends off, and shaking up with her new boy toy, I totally get that she needs a personal life, and I love this girl to death... but seriously, how long does it take to go over an email and give some helpful advice?? Im not asking her to sit on google and perform search after search, AND she doesnt have to plan a bridal shower OR bach party, as she is so far away... so shes already off the hook for that one... she was telling everyone shes coming in NOV for my bachlorette party that SHE was planning, but then cancelled that.... Meanwhile, I have my sister in law who I am super super close with right now, and shes helped me SO much and has told me she will do anything I need her to, so I feel like I made a bad call on this part... oh well, live and learn... HOW do you go about firing your MOH without stepping on some toes or ruining a friendship??? Im in a pickle with you! Let me know what you decide, and I will do the same (I think I may just bite my lip on this one and keep it how it is though)

[merrylee]

Tough choices all of them.  FI and I didn't pick our MOH or BM until we knew who wanted to be involved. I didn't want to ask first and have the expectation of them going.  We ended up choosing his sister and her husband because even though they work nights when we needed help with their invites they woke up early and helped.  I think that you both need to talk to your MOH and feel it out.  You'll honestly know what is right in heart after that conversation.  Soon2b, you are rightfully angry but based on your choices above you feel most passionate about stripping her of the title.  I would just ask if she even WANTS to be MOH or if she would prefer another option.

[vav11238]

Not being in your shoes, I'd step back and decide who is going to offer the most help the closer you get to the big day. And that person seems to be you SIL. I'd have a heart to heart with your current MOH about it all. She may actually be relieved to be let of the hook. 

 

My sister is my MOH and she's been full steam ahead but my BM have been another matter. She's already complaining that they aren't seeming involved...I, too, may have some problems on my hands. Best of luck!
 

Originally Posted by celticgirl 

I am having the EXACT same issue, I am a Canadian Bride, and my MOH is in the US..... so theres already a distance issue.. upon asking her she said that I can email her any choices and selections and she will be the best long distance planner EVER... biggest fail ever, she hasnt helped me one bit.  I keep "joking" about her craptacular MOH job, and she laughs it off and tells me shes been busy busy busy (which she totally has, she works 60 hour weeks it seems AND goes to school, so I respect shes busy) In the mean while shes going to vegas on her weekends off, and shaking up with her new boy toy, I totally get that she needs a personal life, and I love this girl to death... but seriously, how long does it take to go over an email and give some helpful advice?? Im not asking her to sit on google and perform search after search, AND she doesnt have to plan a bridal shower OR bach party, as she is so far away... so shes already off the hook for that one... she was telling everyone shes coming in NOV for my bachlorette party that SHE was planning, but then cancelled that.... Meanwhile, I have my sister in law who I am super super close with right now, and shes helped me SO much and has told me she will do anything I need her to, so I feel like I made a bad call on this part... oh well, live and learn... HOW do you go about firing your MOH without stepping on some toes or ruining a friendship??? Im in a pickle with you! Let me know what you decide, and I will do the same (I think I may just bite my lip on this one and keep it how it is though)

 

[Soon2BNJersey]

We had the "are u sure you still want to be my MOH" conversation a few months back.  At that time I told her that I had concerns and wasn't sure if she would be able to handle the MOH position.  She explained that things were going crazy, apologized and swore that she would redeem herself.  The reason I am leaning toward stripping her all together is because she failed to do what she said, and I haven't spoken to her in weeks, no return call, text, nothing!   A friend would at least respond if get hurt, or if someone dies.  cmon really??  I honestly gave her a chance = epic fail on her part.

Originally Posted by merrylee 

Tough choices all of them.  FI and I didn't pick our MOH or BM until we knew who wanted to be involved. I didn't want to ask first and have the expectation of them going.  We ended up choosing his sister and her husband because even though they work nights when we needed help with their invites they woke up early and helped.  I think that you both need to talk to your MOH and feel it out.  You'll honestly know what is right in heart after that conversation.  Soon2b, you are rightfully angry but based on your choices above you feel most passionate about stripping her of the title.  I would just ask if she even WANTS to be MOH or if she would prefer another option.

 

[Soon2BNJersey]

yes, it seems you ARE in the same sitation! LOL

 

My MOH is bragging to everyone about traveling to Jamaica and being my MOH, but the only thing that we have done together was dress shopping 1x for me and 1x with my bridesmaids.  I am getting married in 2 months, she hasn't helped me with anything else. 

 

My FI asked me one question and he said if I can answer this, I have my answer:

 

"On the day of your wedding, would it matter to you if she is there or not?"
 

I'll keep you posted, her final payments are due next week... we'll see!

Originally Posted by celticgirl 

I am having the EXACT same issue, I am a Canadian Bride, and my MOH is in the US..... so theres already a distance issue.. upon asking her she said that I can email her any choices and selections and she will be the best long distance planner EVER... biggest fail ever, she hasnt helped me one bit.  I keep "joking" about her craptacular MOH job, and she laughs it off and tells me shes been busy busy busy (which she totally has, she works 60 hour weeks it seems AND goes to school, so I respect shes busy) In the mean while shes going to vegas on her weekends off, and shaking up with her new boy toy, I totally get that she needs a personal life, and I love this girl to death... but seriously, how long does it take to go over an email and give some helpful advice?? Im not asking her to sit on google and perform search after search, AND she doesnt have to plan a bridal shower OR bach party, as she is so far away... so shes already off the hook for that one... she was telling everyone shes coming in NOV for my bachlorette party that SHE was planning, but then cancelled that.... Meanwhile, I have my sister in law who I am super super close with right now, and shes helped me SO much and has told me she will do anything I need her to, so I feel like I made a bad call on this part... oh well, live and learn... HOW do you go about firing your MOH without stepping on some toes or ruining a friendship??? Im in a pickle with you! Let me know what you decide, and I will do the same (I think I may just bite my lip on this one and keep it how it is though)

 

[anichols8]

Please let us know what you decide and good luck!

[MichCraw]

That's a tough situation that she's put you in ... instead of feeling priveledged and being happy for you .. she's not helping you out at all . and the wedding is coming up SOON. If it bothers you enough to write about it .. and you've talked to her about it .. I think your decision has already been taken ( in your heart & head) .. hopefully everything works for the best ... good luck!

[Soon2BNJersey]

Ladies thanks for understanding and offering suggestions.  After a few days, and me seeing all of her posts on Facebook about how many beach trips she's planning I said," Thats it, I have to get this off my chest and just be straight with her.  If she doesn' t like my plan she can just stay home and not waste anymore money paying for the trip.  So I told her how she hasn't been around, and basically everything that I explained earlier.  I also made her aware that I care about her and want her to be a bridesmaid, but NO LONGER MY MOH. She had dropped the ball too many times, and I need someone who is there to help not just be there for appearances.  She said she will still try to help out when she can and agreed to still come my wedding as a bridesmaid.  I think she was waiting for me to let her off the hook.  The way I see it, my MOH should be someone who is concerned about me all around, not just for the wedding duties. She agreed that she had been flaking and pretty much took the scolding conversation very well. 

 

So Problem solved. 

 

My advice, go with your heart and if you can be happy with your wedding day going on without her give her the ax.. if not make a few changes, its your day....BUT friendships will come and go after this wedding is over. 

 

Good Luck

Originally Posted by celticgirl 

I am having the EXACT same issue, I am a Canadian Bride, and my MOH is in the US..... so theres already a distance issue.. upon asking her she said that I can email her any choices and selections and she will be the best long distance planner EVER... biggest fail ever, she hasnt helped me one bit.  I keep "joking" about her craptacular MOH job, and she laughs it off and tells me shes been busy busy busy (which she totally has, she works 60 hour weeks it seems AND goes to school, so I respect shes busy) In the mean while shes going to vegas on her weekends off, and shaking up with her new boy toy, I totally get that she needs a personal life, and I love this girl to death... but seriously, how long does it take to go over an email and give some helpful advice?? Im not asking her to sit on google and perform search after search, AND she doesnt have to plan a bridal shower OR bach party, as she is so far away... so shes already off the hook for that one... she was telling everyone shes coming in NOV for my bachlorette party that SHE was planning, but then cancelled that.... Meanwhile, I have my sister in law who I am super super close with right now, and shes helped me SO much and has told me she will do anything I need her to, so I feel like I made a bad call on this part... oh well, live and learn... HOW do you go about firing your MOH without stepping on some toes or ruining a friendship??? Im in a pickle with you! Let me know what you decide, and I will do the same (I think I may just bite my lip on this one and keep it how it is though)

 

[Essential0929]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I get the sense that one of MOH will be doing very similar things. I agree with Merrylee, that you can find another role for her in your wedding. As hard as it is to hear, everyone is in your life for a reason and a season and hers may be coming to an end. Please do not let this bad apple ruin your wedding experience.