poor bride rant: I don't want to plan a wedding, and stop making me feel guilty!

[torilynnsmith]

In the end it is your day and you have to do what is right for you, when you look back on your wedding day YOU and your husband will be the ONLY ones who remember the day so YOU are the only ones whos feelings matter.  I know what you mean about wanting your family there.  After pushing for a beach wedding my whole life and after announcing it almost a year ago (we got engaged in July 2010) that we would be doing a DW this May when we finally booked both my parents started giving me a hard time.  "why dominican?" "Do we have to hang out with these people all week" "we have a lot going on, a trip in may november, a cruise in may, its our 25th wedding anniversary this year (2010)" ummm we got engaged in JULY I am pretty sure you knew a wedding was coming... we are paying for it they just have to get there!!!

 

Both FI and I have decided it doesn't matter if it is just us two or 100 people joining us we will be having the wedding out way and I can't take time to worry about everyone else, it just isnt worth it!

 

Keep your chin up and remember it is your day, that is all that's important!

[JQLong]

scarlettbride.....as all the ladies have said....it is about you and your hubby-to-be.  I totally feel you on being on a budget and not wanted to "plan" a wedding.  In the end.....you are saying "I do" to the love of your life.....not your family or friends.

 

Just breathe....close your eyes and remember who it is really about......good luck.....

 

We are all in this together...sort of.....

 

JQ

[mochamakes3]

scarletbride, Why can't your sister go even with the little one? After all, she might as well get the baby to travel while she doesn't have to pay extra fees. I know my nephew had been to Mexico twice before he was 6 months old, and had flown pretty much every month of his life.

[Sllefebvr]

Let us know your final decision!

[islandbride8]

Take a deep breath and know that you are not alone!  we choose to have a DW for the exact same reason and find ourselves a week away from our big day wondering what happened to everyone!  initially when we decided to have a DW we knew my family would be onboard (it was actually their idea), but weren't sure about his.  we talked to key family members and everyone said "i wouldn't miss it for the world!"  we actually changed our resort to accomodate FSIL's daughter she said was definately coming.  we even asked her to be our flower girl and that was met with excitement and everything seemed perfect.  that was then.  FSIL isnt even coming now, let alone her daughter.  we even offered to completely pay for FSIL to come to the wedding and she still isn't coming.  her excuse is different every time.  she swore she was coming until 2 months before, then she started complaining about how much it would cost ect, ect.  we knew where it was going (her not coming) so we offered to foot the bill for her to attend.  she said she would get her passport with her next paycheck (obviously hadn't saved anything in the 8 months prior) but that never happend.  she just brushed it off (at least that's how FI and I both feel).  his best man also backed out last minute.  i've learned a lot during this process and have come to realize that you can't force other people to care.  people will say one thing to your face and something completely different behind your back.  i wish i would've booked my original plan for my resort and had the wedding i wanted.  i'm still very much looking forward to our wedding next week, but if i could do anything differently i wouldn't focus so much on accomodating guests who may or may not end up booking.  until people are booked and paid in full, don't count them in your numbers.  if everyone who said they were coming to my wedding actually booked, our guest list would be at least 3 times the size it is now.  i think the hardest part of all of it is learning to not take it personally and to always take the higher road.  i have and will continue to bite my tongue, but i've seen the hurt in FI eyes and i know his relationship with his sister will never be the same again.  Sad to say, but weddings really do bring out the best and worst of family members.  people will shock the hell out of you, for both good and bad reasons, just hang on and enjoy the ride.  Bottom line is that this is YOUR wedding, and the people who do book and come are the ones who were meant to share in your big day!  everyone else will just be green with envy as they look at your pictures!  i know FI family isn't happy with me at all right now and think the DW was all my idea but it wasn't.  you can't let things like that take away from the happiest day of your life!  DO NOT cancel your dream wedding, DO NOT compromise even one single detail of your dream wedding, and DO NOT come home without having the time of your life!  Congratulations and i hope your wedding day is all you have dreamed of and more!

[bmadzia1]

I fully understand what you are going through. We knew we wanted a DW, we didn't consult anyone, we just announced it. Knew the risks, and were fine with that altough along the way I did have a few doubtful  moments, they passed.  After almost 10 years together, living under the same roof for 8, we thought that we want the wedding for US, not THEM. 

Do what you think is right for you. 

[kellygrrrl]

I hate people.

 

ok, that sounds bad.; )  I hate people who say whatever they want when it's convenient for them and when they're held accountable they weasel out of their commitments. AND blame you in the process - I'm so sorry that happened to you, scarletbride.

 

here's the thing. I think these same people can't admit, "hey, I'm going to have to make some sacrifices to attend this wedding" and don't want to put in the work, so they suggest you have it locally, like they did. I don't believe in compromises in this situation. in all the back and forth of DW planning, you have to ask what do YOU want and what is most important to you.

 

for me, I knew having my parents, my brother and my FI there and us getting married in a dream destination were absolutely critial and everything else was just icing on an already elaborate cake. ; ) and though we've faced a number of emotional ups and downs in the planning process, I am impressed by the people who have exceeded our expectations. I've also learned that, "I don't know if I'll be able to afford it," is a polite way of saying no.

 

I'll continue to believe that our DW will be everything we're dreaming of, and you should, too, scarletbride. there is no such thing as, "well you knew that people would back out." you believed they would come after they promised you they would, and that's most important. you didn't plan a wedding to exclude people, you planned the wedding that you wanted. I know it's tough, but it all comes down to you and your FI, not anybody else. if you're happy with your decision, don't let anyone take that from you.

 

best of luck to you! I know it will all work out. : )

 

[MichCraw]

islandbride8 how did your wedding go, are you ecstatic, can't wait to hear some news from you!
 

Originally Posted by islandbride8 

Take a deep breath and know that you are not alone!  we choose to have a DW for the exact same reason and find ourselves a week away from our big day wondering what happened to everyone!  initially when we decided to have a DW we knew my family would be onboard (it was actually their idea), but weren't sure about his.  we talked to key family members and everyone said "i wouldn't miss it for the world!"  we actually changed our resort to accomodate FSIL's daughter she said was definately coming.  we even asked her to be our flower girl and that was met with excitement and everything seemed perfect.  that was then.  FSIL isnt even coming now, let alone her daughter.  we even offered to completely pay for FSIL to come to the wedding and she still isn't coming.  her excuse is different every time.  she swore she was coming until 2 months before, then she started complaining about how much it would cost ect, ect.  we knew where it was going (her not coming) so we offered to foot the bill for her to attend.  she said she would get her passport with her next paycheck (obviously hadn't saved anything in the 8 months prior) but that never happend.  she just brushed it off (at least that's how FI and I both feel).  his best man also backed out last minute.  i've learned a lot during this process and have come to realize that you can't force other people to care.  people will say one thing to your face and something completely different behind your back.  i wish i would've booked my original plan for my resort and had the wedding i wanted.  i'm still very much looking forward to our wedding next week, but if i could do anything differently i wouldn't focus so much on accomodating guests who may or may not end up booking.  until people are booked and paid in full, don't count them in your numbers.  if everyone who said they were coming to my wedding actually booked, our guest list would be at least 3 times the size it is now.  i think the hardest part of all of it is learning to not take it personally and to always take the higher road.  i have and will continue to bite my tongue, but i've seen the hurt in FI eyes and i know his relationship with his sister will never be the same again.  Sad to say, but weddings really do bring out the best and worst of family members.  people will shock the hell out of you, for both good and bad reasons, just hang on and enjoy the ride.  Bottom line is that this is YOUR wedding, and the people who do book and come are the ones who were meant to share in your big day!  everyone else will just be green with envy as they look at your pictures!  i know FI family isn't happy with me at all right now and think the DW was all my idea but it wasn't.  you can't let things like that take away from the happiest day of your life!  DO NOT cancel your dream wedding, DO NOT compromise even one single detail of your dream wedding, and DO NOT come home without having the time of your life!  Congratulations and i hope your wedding day is all you have dreamed of and more!

 

[kymish]

i hate ppl to ! JK lol...it sucks when ppl bail out on ur wedding i know but at least ur sister had a descent reason. Just think thou the less ppl there, the more time you get to spend with each one !!

maybe u could do a special night with ur sister before you go ? i know it wont be the same as her being there

Originally Posted by kellygrrrl 

I hate people.

 

ok, that sounds bad.; )  I hate people who say whatever they want when it's convenient for them and when they're held accountable they weasel out of their commitments. AND blame you in the process - I'm so sorry that happened to you, scarletbride.

 

here's the thing. I think these same people can't admit, "hey, I'm going to have to make some sacrifices to attend this wedding" and don't want to put in the work, so they suggest you have it locally, like they did. I don't believe in compromises in this situation. in all the back and forth of DW planning, you have to ask what do YOU want and what is most important to you.

 

for me, I knew having my parents, my brother and my FI there and us getting married in a dream destination were absolutely critial and everything else was just icing on an already elaborate cake. ; ) and though we've faced a number of emotional ups and downs in the planning process, I am impressed by the people who have exceeded our expectations. I've also learned that, "I don't know if I'll be able to afford it," is a polite way of saying no.

 

I'll continue to believe that our DW will be everything we're dreaming of, and you should, too, scarletbride. there is no such thing as, "well you knew that people would back out." you believed they would come after they promised you they would, and that's most important. you didn't plan a wedding to exclude people, you planned the wedding that you wanted. I know it's tough, but it all comes down to you and your FI, not anybody else. if you're happy with your decision, don't let anyone take that from you.

 

best of luck to you! I know it will all work out. : )

 

 

[zbwedding]

I literally just had to pull my fiance over and ask him if he posted this as a joke.  I feel exactly the same way and I'm in the same boat!  I tell everyone now that my biggest regret is that we didnt just elope.  What the heck was I thinking inviting over 100+ people!?!?  When those rsvp's kept rolling in as "no's", I was literally getting sick to my stomach.  I just dont understand why people feel that Im inconveniencing them!   You told me originally "I wouldnt miss it!"  Its like a knife in my chest when I hear "Well, you should have known people weren't going to be able to come. Why don't you just honeymoon there?"  Because my fiance and I are doing what we can afford!!!  And the famous line "well, are you going to have a reception when you get back?  we'll come to that".... oh geeze thanks.  Thanks for justifying exactly why we should have eloped... ALL PEOPLE CARE ABOUT IS THE PARTY!  I have 2 family members coming to my wedding, he has 12... 2 of which are cousins that he's never even met before and we'll meet for the first time in Jamaica.  My own brother who has the money, who already has a passport, isnt even attending my wedding.  I have a health condition where Im supposed to keep stress to a minimal... and here I really thought that a DW would be perfect and everyone would understand that as well.  Well, the joke's on me for that one!  Getting people to understand how much, much less Im doing thanks to the resort & their wedding packages is so far out of the picture its ridiculous... people have their heads so far up Tradition's butt they just cant see it.  Tradition is nice, but different is beautiful.  

I didnt want to get married without some of my friends and family there as well... but for the 14 that are there, making it happen, I'm honored and will never forget it.  And they get a phenomenal vacation while they're at it... cause there's not one person I know that couldnt use a once in a lifetime vacation!  

 

People will be hurt & say hurtful things if you continue with your DW, no doubt... maybe its jealousy, maybe its fear, maybe it is circumstance/money.... but thats no excuse for anyone to make you feel bad about what you want to do for your wedding!  They're wrong, not you!!  But its not their wedding, so they'll get over it... where you'll carry around the hurt for many, many years to come.. if you give them what THEY want instead of doing what YOU want. 

 

All I can say is dont lose sight of whats important to you and your fiance.  It's just not worth it.  You do what you can and what will make you happy.  <---or at least this is what I try to tell myself! lol
 

Originally Posted by scarletbride 

Argh. In the beginning, the idea of a destination wedding was a total "ah-hah!" moment. FI and I could pay for our way with our meager salaries, opt for the free resort wedding, and have our honeymoon all rolled into one. At first, our nearest and dearest were totally on board. The reason I decided to start booking was because of the initial positive response I got from everyone. Now, a few months later, I've already got people backing out.. people that were originally "I wouldn't miss it!" The wedding is frickin 12 months away, and people are going to automatically say no because they can't afford it.. I privately consulted the most important people to me prior to announcing my DW, and after everyone confirmed "yes! awesome!" I announced it...... and now all those people are backing out.

 

And here's the kicker: they're backing out, then making ME feel bad about having as DW... "well, you should have known people weren't going to be able to come. Why don't you just honeymoon there?" Because FI and I have about 3k to spend and we would like to have a nice wedding AND honeymoon. We have a 6 year-old daughter together and we just never get any time to ourselves, we've never been on vacation alone together and we've been together for 8 years! I don't understand how some of you people have 50-100 people following you around the world, my own sister won't even try to save any money to come... and I gave her 14 months notice, I mean really! 

 

So I've been playing with the idea of cancelling the DW plans and planning a local wedding, but the idea of doing that literally makes me want to cry. I don't want to talk about chair covers and sashes and DIY candles and place cards and all the frickin wedding porn. Especially on a meager budget, that just takes all the fun out of planning when it's just stressful. I don't want to plan it at all. I have a Dominican lady doing all that for me, and I'd like to keep it that way. But I don't want to get married without my friends and some family there either. I wish I was rich