poor bride rant: I don't want to plan a wedding, and stop making me feel guilty!

[scarletbride]

Argh. In the beginning, the idea of a destination wedding was a total "ah-hah!" moment. FI and I could pay for our way with our meager salaries, opt for the free resort wedding, and have our honeymoon all rolled into one. At first, our nearest and dearest were totally on board. The reason I decided to start booking was because of the initial positive response I got from everyone. Now, a few months later, I've already got people backing out.. people that were originally "I wouldn't miss it!" The wedding is frickin 12 months away, and people are going to automatically say no because they can't afford it.. I privately consulted the most important people to me prior to announcing my DW, and after everyone confirmed "yes! awesome!" I announced it...... and now all those people are backing out. 

 

And here's the kicker: they're backing out, then making ME feel bad about having as DW... "well, you should have known people weren't going to be able to come. Why don't you just honeymoon there?" Because FI and I have about 3k to spend and we would like to have a nice wedding AND honeymoon. We have a 6 year-old daughter together and we just never get any time to ourselves, we've never been on vacation alone together and we've been together for 8 years! I don't understand how some of you people have 50-100 people following you around the world, my own sister won't even try to save any money to come... and I gave her 14 months notice, I mean really! 

 

So I've been playing with the idea of cancelling the DW plans and planning a local wedding, but the idea of doing that literally makes me want to cry. I don't want to talk about chair covers and sashes and DIY candles and place cards and all the frickin wedding porn. Especially on a meager budget, that just takes all the fun out of planning when it's just stressful. I don't want to plan it at all. I have a Dominican lady doing all that for me, and I'd like to keep it that way. But I don't want to get married without my friends and some family there either. I wish I was rich

[janette34]

Oh I'm so sorry for you.  We got a great response at the beginning too and then people slowly started backing out.  My fiance's only brother is not going because of the money, but he just bought a new truck and camper so he can't be that hard up.  We also had a few people ask why we don't just get married at home and my answer to them is "I don't want too". 

Do what you want, you only get this one day so go with your heart. 

[Sllefebvr]

My FI and I decided the destination wedding was perfect for us, neither of wanted anything traditional. We did the same in asking the ones we wanted their most first. Everybody gave us the same replies as you. Yes!! we will definitely be there. We both understand that times are hard in the world right now so we are giving everybody 2 years!! 2 years to save some money we believe is a great amount of time!! Then my FI's "best man" is now giving him crap, although in the end I know he will be there but just leave us alone!!

 

A lot of people have been asking why don't we just have it here? Not everyone will go you know.. our answer to that is it is what we want to do...

 

 

You want to make you and your future husband happy and that is it! When you look back on your wedding day in ten years what do you want to remember? You still have a bit of time people may change your mind.. Don't change something that you want for somebody else's happiness!! This is your day, you can video your wedding or those who can't make it OR they do live broadcasts over the Internet.

 

Hope this helps a bit

[merrylee]

I agree with Janette, do you what will make you the most happy.  Of course you want your family there, BUT if it was important to them they would find a way and they would also understand WHY you don't want to plan a local wedding.  At the end of the day all that matters is you and your FI and your marriage not everything that goes into the wedding, but what you take into your marriage with you.

[mochamakes3]

Scarletbride,

I really hope everything works out for you. It is really difficult to have be able to afford a wedding and you are right that this is probably your only option for getting everything like a beautiful wedding in a gorgeous setting, a romantic honeymoon and an unforgettable family vacation for much less than a wedding at home. And you get a coordinator to help you through the whole process, that alone could cost thousands at home.

 

You have given your guests plenty of advance notice and hopefully they will come through for you. I know the people I thought would never come up with the money were at our wedding, and some people that should have been able to afford it made sad excuses not to go. Don't let this ruin your dream wedding day.

 

I also don't get how some people have huge wedding groups, but there's a whole variety and it shouldn't matter what someone else is doing. Enjoy looking forward to the day where you and your FI say "I Do."

[AfricanVenus]

I so hear you on this and to one degree or another, all of us have encountered this.

 

Example #1: Everyone was notified in December about our wedding in June. Our first choice for best man bailed on us for the first 3-4 months of planning and went globetrotting everywhere and said nothing to us. He then decides to have his wedding in the same month as ours, which is fine. Then he pretended that he could come and kept reassuring us, so FI bought his outfit. Then he kept yarning about waiting for his wife to go and checking her schedule. In the end, we had to call him to find out they weren't coming!

 

Example #2: Or our officiant who was so "honored" to be asked, eventually did the whole "Why Mexico?" rants to the point where he doesn't return calls or texts to at least say, "Hey, I tried but can't go."

 

I've come to realize, if people want to go, they will make the effort. Especially if you give them enough warning. I know people are hard-up and things happen while they save (lose a job, medical emergency, etc), but they should have something saved and they should be upfront with you about coming or not. While it sucks that people are backing out, you'd rather know now than later when you get to your wedding and see a bunch of empty chairs. Honestly, people will not show up like it's a local wedding rather than just say they can't come, won't come, or had no intention to come.

 

You do the wedding YOU want. I too am jealous of weddings that have like 50 people, but I realized that I wouldn't want any negative people/vibes at my big day. I don't want people there just to meet a room block or to make it look like it was a decent size. I want the people who love us and support us on this major milestone in our lives. You learn that nothing is perfect. While one bride has 100 people, she might have a stain on her dress and freak out all night. Another bride has only 10 people when 80 said they were coming, she lost some money, but she has the time of her life. Either way, you accept the nonsense that comes your way and push past it. I've often thought about canceling and just doing a court marriage or a simple religious ceremony. But I knew my 40 yr old or 50 yr old self would have felt cheated. If it's your decision to cancel b/c you feel it's right, then cool. However, don't cancel b/c things aren't going the way you thought. I think what a lot of us take for granted planning these weddings is that there are sacrifices: not having a lot of people, missing family members, etc. It hurts like the dickens, but YOU have to decide what will make you and your FI happy.

 

All the best in your planning!

[celticgirl]

Do what YOU want, you gave them notice, and they gave you false hope... that's on them not you! I am having conflict with one person... I got lucky... I had the opposite happen to me... Many people said they wouldnt be able to go,which was fine by me... then all of a sudden I had 55 people pay their deposit.... NOT what I was expecting.. I have a 6 month old AND I graduate 4 months AFTER I get married from a University Degree in the Bachelor of Science in Nursing.. Now I am scrambling to think of something that I can afford to give to 55 people!?!?! It has been a tad bit stressful, I already know I can not afford OOT bags, but I feel like this is something that I should be doing.....

[Sharon99]

Well said AfricanVenus. I too am having issues with people coming. Even my own father is giving me crap & I honestly think he won't be there. I sent out my STDs in April for our May2012 wedding. At first EVERYONE said they were going. I mean this is a party of like 75 now its sounding more like 6 with the well I dont know's now. Two of my girl friends are now not going(who I was going to have in the wedding). It really does suck because like you said, you give them a year to plan. I mean even putting away $25 bucks a week works. We also chose an adults only resort so my little nephew can't come, which makes me sad. In the end, I have come to realize I honestly don't care who comes anymore. I know some of my friends & family will not be there & I accept that. The only thing that matters is me & my FI standing there in paradise becoming closer together as one. No matter who is there we will have an awesome time & will not think about the people who couldn't make it. If you want a DW then do it. You need to do what you want & what makes you happy. As others have said, looking back 15 years from now you don't want to have any regrets as to do a traditional wedding. 

Good luck to you & don't feel alone. We all are here going through the same or similar issues.

 

Originally Posted by AfricanVenus 

I so hear you on this and to one degree or another, all of us have encountered this.

 

Example #1: Everyone was notified in December about our wedding in June. Our first choice for best man bailed on us for the first 3-4 months of planning and went globetrotting everywhere and said nothing to us. He then decides to have his wedding in the same month as ours, which is fine. Then he pretended that he could come and kept reassuring us, so FI bought his outfit. Then he kept yarning about waiting for his wife to go and checking her schedule. In the end, we had to call him to find out they weren't coming!

 

Example #2: Or our officiant who was so "honored" to be asked, eventually did the whole "Why Mexico?" rants to the point where he doesn't return calls or texts to at least say, "Hey, I tried but can't go."

 

I've come to realize, if people want to go, they will make the effort. Especially if you give them enough warning. I know people are hard-up and things happen while they save (lose a job, medical emergency, etc), but they should have something saved and they should be upfront with you about coming or not. While it sucks that people are backing out, you'd rather know now than later when you get to your wedding and see a bunch of empty chairs. Honestly, people will not show up like it's a local wedding rather than just say they can't come, won't come, or had no intention to come.

 

You do the wedding YOU want. I too am jealous of weddings that have like 50 people, but I realized that I wouldn't want any negative people/vibes at my big day. I don't want people there just to meet a room block or to make it look like it was a decent size. I want the people who love us and support us on this major milestone in our lives. You learn that nothing is perfect. While one bride has 100 people, she might have a stain on her dress and freak out all night. Another bride has only 10 people when 80 said they were coming, she lost some money, but she has the time of her life. Either way, you accept the nonsense that comes your way and push past it. I've often thought about canceling and just doing a court marriage or a simple religious ceremony. But I knew my 40 yr old or 50 yr old self would have felt cheated. If it's your decision to cancel b/c you feel it's right, then cool. However, don't cancel b/c things aren't going the way you thought. I think what a lot of us take for granted planning these weddings is that there are sacrifices: not having a lot of people, missing family members, etc. It hurts like the dickens, but YOU have to decide what will make you and your FI happy.

 

All the best in your planning!

 

[scarletbride]

You guys! The one person who I really needed there just told me today she just found out she's pregnant (my sister!). I am so happy for her, but the baby will only be a couple months old at game time, so she can't go. I can't get married without my sister. I just told my FI this and now he's upset because I won't want to go to Punta Cana to get married anymore. Easy for him to say, his sister is coming! I can't believe he's upset at me about this, how the hell was I supposed to foresee this happening (especially when she told me her and her husband weren't planning on having any more kids). I could strangle him!!! I know I'm just upset but I feel like throwing this engagement ring out the window...

[merrylee]

Here's the thing, it's your day.  Your sister will be there with you in your heart.  This isn't about your sister this is about you and your FI.  So don't make your decision based on emotion.  Take a few days to think long and hard.  Because IMO the people who REALLY need to be there are you and FI.  if you still feel that way you can always change your plans. I am lucky because FSIL is pregnant due in July and they are still going to mexico without the monkey.  I'm blessed and honored by that.