iffy bridesmaids help?

[JJ512]

 So I got engaged in November and we knew from the start that we were going to do a DW. I picked my bridesmaids in December as did my fiancé. At the time everyone was thrilled and swearing that they could make it to the DR. Now one of my bridesmaids is demanding a boat to take her from Florida to the DR in order to avoid flying because the FAA bothers her or something . And the other one is telling me she may not be able to afford to go, which is fine, I just need a straight answer either way. But how long do I accept the "gee we're gonna try but gosh we're just not sure†before I can ask that they commit to being in the wedding?  My fiancé has confirmed all 3 groomsmen including BM and I only know my MOH is going to be there. And one of my bridezilla tendencies is a need for continuity.  I want the number of bridesmaids to match the number of groomsmen and I want the dresses to match either in cut or color. That does sort of cause a time issue with ordering. How do I explain to my maids that I need and answer and what is an acceptable cut off date for a wedding exactly a year away? 

 

Thanks!

 

-Jac

[DramaticAnnie]

I know where you're coming from, we tried to give everyone as much advance notice as possible so they could get the money together to go, and while I didn't really want to be putting deadlines on people, I'm starting to think I should..

 

In a situation where it's a bridesmaid and you want the same number of bridesmaids, but some of them are not committing, I think you're just going to have to sit down and talk to them or send an email basically saying look, I understand if you can't afford it and I would be super bummed if you couldn't go but I need to know.. because if you're going to ask someone else, for their sake you need that someone else to be able to have as much time to pay as possible too.

 

And as for the one that wants a boat... if she can charter her own lol or pay for her own seperate different transportation, tell her to go for it... hopefully she's not on any do not fly list or anything like that ;s

[JayKay]

It really sucks and I went through the same thing.  I had asked three of my best friends to be bridesmaids and immediately they all said they would be there.  My FI asked his three best friends and they all commited on coming.  Well when it came time to make deposits on our trips all three groomsmen paid and booked immediately.  I confronted all my three girls and they said oh yeah we will book soon.  Wel one did, but the other two didn't.

 

When the cut off for our group rate was coming due I asked them again to book and the one said she wasn't able to come because of finances and the other said she wouldn't be able to come due to being pregnant (which is definately understandable, she will be due right when we get married). 

 

It can be very frustrating.  I think you just need to sit down and chat with them.  Give them a deadline and just explain that you need to know by a certain date as you have things you need to start doing, such as picking dresses and groomsman wear and what not.  Good luck with everything!

[xtenna]

I think you should sit down with your friends and get them to confirm as soon as possible.  Give them a deadline and explain exactly what you wrote here. As your friends, I'm sure they know you pretty well, & won't be upset by your deadline.  Also, i agree with the girls here...if your friend doesn't want or can't fly, thats her responsibility not yours.

[MrsRobinson12]

I agree with all the comments, it's not unreasonable for you to need to know who is coming. I think a lot of people say they will come, but when it comes down to it, can't afford it. It sounds like you gave them a lot of time to save the money, so I don't understand why they are being sketchy about it.

 

We gave our wedding party 15 months to save the wedding, and tried to pick a reasonably priced resort to try to keep everyone happy. Even after I ordered the bridesmaids dresses I had two bridesmaids back out, over text message. It's pretty sad that our own friends can't talk face to face about it, and just be honest.

 

I would give everyone another month to let you know. I know you want 3 and 3, as do I, but it may not work out that way so try not to set your heart on it. All that matters is that your Fiance is there by your side!

[shan0487]

After reading your posts, I'm going to try to go about it differently.  We have not set the date yet (looking at Nov 2012) and all of our friends know we are having a DW.  My best friends have also all said "they will be there for sure."  My best girfriends have an idea that they will most likely be in my wedding party- but hopefully within my timeline I can ask my bridesmaids AFTER they put their first deposit down.  That is my goal- we shall see if it works out!

[sxcT]

Wow!!  I had the same thing happen.  I had a very close friend of 7yrs who was my bridesmaid back out by sending me a text message while I was home recovering from surgery.  We work together and when I returned to work she never spoke to me.  She walks by and puts her head down, doesn't say anything, doesn't acknowledge me.  So so strange.  I truly feel that it was easier for her to cut me off as a friend than to have to deal with her A-hole husband (who I can't stand) when it came to my wedding.  I feel good knowing I left it completely up to her but it is very sad.  You really see people's true colors going through something like this. 

 

 

JJ512 - Like the others say....you should sit down and have a heart to heart with them and be honest.  You should know who is going to stand by your side on the most important day of your life.   
 

Originally Posted by MrsRobinson12 

I agree with all the comments, it's not unreasonable for you to need to know who is coming. I think a lot of people say they will come, but when it comes down to it, can't afford it. It sounds like you gave them a lot of time to save the money, so I don't understand why they are being sketchy about it.

 

We gave our wedding party 15 months to save the wedding, and tried to pick a reasonably priced resort to try to keep everyone happy. Even after I ordered the bridesmaids dresses I had two bridesmaids back out, over text message. It's pretty sad that our own friends can't talk face to face about it, and just be honest.

 

I would give everyone another month to let you know. I know you want 3 and 3, as do I, but it may not work out that way so try not to set your heart on it. All that matters is that your Fiance is there by your side!

 

[JBean]

Yep, happened to me too. My best friend growing up backed out about 9 months prior. Thankfully, I asked one of my laid back girlfriends to fill in and she was happy to (so we can keep 3 and 3), but I have a feeling she might not be able to make it due to finances as well. If that happens, oh well, it'll be 3 and 2.

 

I would give people until about 8 months prior to give me their FINAL answer... but for your wedding it's up to you I think.

[kellygrrrl]

hey jac - from the sound of it, I think only one of your girls will be able to make it. at least, that's the way I'm reading the responses from my group. I'm assuming those with potential money issues are just delaying the inevitable, and that's ok. some people just don't feel comfortable saying no, so I'd rather think they're not coming and then be pleasantly surprised if they do. this happened with my MOH - she was part of our moving the wedding a year out because the got pregnant and would have been due right around the wedding time. a few months later after we sent the STDs, she called me freaked out about costs (which we had discussed at length previously and she swore weren't an issue). hormones aside (she was 7 - 8 mo pregnant at this time), I figured she was pretty set on not going - she and her husband even committed to join his family in hawaii when the baby was six months old - after knowing about my wedding previously.

 

my point is, if she was really intent on coming, I think she'd be considering going alone (so that both of them wouldn't have the expense and the need for someone to care for the baby) and talking to one of our mutual friends about sharing a room, etc. I'm not trying to be critical of her priorities - it just became clear she couldn't do everything, and the wedding was too much of a sacrifice, which is really ok. but I'm not looking to her for a definitive 'no,' I feel like she's already said that in a number of ways (citing financial issues that weren't a problem in the past, going on the family vacation and not planning to go to the wedding alone - whatever it takes).

 

and as for the symmetry, I think my FI and I will each just have one special person with us - we may not even have them stand during the ceremony or wear anything particular. not only is it infinitely simpler, it requires fewer choices (hopefully there will be at least one friend there, right?? ; ) maybe it's as simple as saying, 'hey, we're placing an order for clothing and need to know if we should get something for you. please send your measurements if you'll be there.' but I wouldn't do the ordering unless you were REALLY confident they were coming (I'm assuming you're paying for everything here). if they decide to come, I think the wardrobe would take care of itself in some fantastic, pre-destined sort of a way. but I think you already have your 'no's.' order for those who are yes's. : )

 

best of luck.

[Kat1919]

I just know I will have this problem down the road. My girlfriends have always been super flakey making plans but always backing out. Why does it seem the guys can make this happen better than the women?!? ugh

 

I think everyones advise is great. You need to sit them down and tell them all your concerns. Then add in some language about finances, how you understand, just need to give a concrete yes or no so that you can firm up your plans. Unfortuently people are really reluctant to talk about finances so you will have to be the one that brings it up. I'm sure after you address it head on you and your friends will all be relived!