Not quite sure how to deal...

aeluzu · May 3, 2011

OK I really need to vent, so I guess I'm in the right place. I'm sorry if this drags on too long. Well here it is - I feel like I'm losing two of my best friends during this wedding planning process. I have known both of them since middle school - around 15 years now. We've always been a trio. Ever since my engagement things have changed. They both started hanging out more often and just not inviting me. OK... I'm OK with that. But it doesn't end there. I asked both of them to be in the wedding. One of them I pretty much knew from the start that she wouldn't be able to do the travel, but I love her to death and I didn't want her to feel slighted or excluded so I asked her anyway. She will not be able to go. I have no qualms with that, my trouble is that she has barely attended any of the wedding functions. Engagement party, bridal showers, trying on dresses... Or even just hanging out in general. I've asked her whats up and why she doesn't really make much of an effort in our friendship anymore and she has told me that she sees how happy I am and she's not in that place and she doesn't want to "get me down" What are friends for??? Don't we make the vows "for better or for worse" to our friends long before we ever make those vows to our husbands?

The other friend is a whole 'nother story. She is always a bit of a Negative Nelly, but it has truly amplified during this process. EACH and EVERY step of the process.

1. Picking the wedding party. Yes I wanted her in the wedding - as a bridesmaid. She is like a sister to me but hasn't truly been what I would consider a "best friend" for the past few years. I asked someone who truly supports me and helps me through life to be my MOH. What does she do? She insists that she has to be my MOH... awkward much? She has made it so uncomfortable for my MOH that MOH said "let's just drop the titles so as not to fuel the drama flame"

2. Booking the travel. She insists that aforementioned friend who doesn't even make it to the engagement party WILL make it to the wedding. She holds on to this thought for months and delays in booking travel. After finally coming to terms that the other is not going to go to the wedding, she decides that she doesn't want to book a room by herself. She doesn't want to book a room with one of the groomsmen (who is a mutual friend to all of us, totally respectful - and they would obvi have seperate beds.) MOH offers to let her share a room with her AND HER HUSBAND. She doesn't want to do that. I tell her, "You know... there is no burden for you to go to the wedding. When we made this choice we understood that not everyone can make it. We want to you be there, but we also want you to be happy about it and not feel like we've forced you into something." She says she wouldn't miss it for the world and that she has to go, meanwhile continuing to complain and complain and complain. Finally- months later she books with the groomsman.

3. Picking out bridesmaid dresses. That one won't look good on her. She hates that one. That colors no good. That one costs too much. She loves that one - but I don't. Finally I find one that all parties agree on. But guess what- "IT COSTS TOO MUCH...WE'RE BLEEDING HER DRY" It was like $10 more than the amount that we all agreed on.

4. Planning the bridal showers and bachelorette party. She feels left out. She can't stand the MOH. She doesn't want to be involved. She doesn't want to be left out. In the long run she ends up bi#chin the whole way through and then moping around at the actual party. I really hope that something turns around before the wedding day.

That's it so far. I'm just wondering... are any of you dealing with friends like this? What is the root cause here? What can I do. I try to just let all of the negativity roll off my back, but honestly - it hurts. I don't get why she just can't be happy for me.

Avelyad · May 6, 2011

So sorry to hear that you are going through this at a time when you don't need anymore stress in your life! I, too, am sick of the complaints but that was the risk we took when we decided on a DW! Just let it roll off your shoulders and don't bite into her argument- if it's going to put her in the poor house, she never should've agreed to come in the first place! Good luck!

redginger · May 6, 2011

Sorry to hear about your frustration and stress. Honestly, if I were in your situation, I would talk to your friend and tell her how you feel and ask her to be more supportive. She needs to be supportive and helpful as a member of your wedding party. If she continues to be unsupportive, I would remove her as a bridesmaid but tell her she can still come to your wedding. You already have so much stress to deal with and your wedding should not spoiled by all of this.

aeluzu · May 6, 2011

Thank you for the advice ladies... I was just having one of those moments where the stress was mounting and I felt like I needed a bit of a cry. I'd like to tell her how I feel but I'm afraid that it will just make things more stressful. I think I'm just going to try to focus on the positive and not let her negativity get me down. Luckily my MOH, my fiance, my family and even a few friends who aren't in the wedding have been VERY VERY VERY helpful and supportive. And I've got all of the lovely people on this forum to help me out too!