Bridezilla moment? Sorry if it's tl;dr!

[Sapphire723]

Hey Ladies,

 

I've got a post-wedding situation with my MOH and I'm trying to figure out how I want to handle it.  Here's a little background (OKAY, sorry! This turned into A LOT of background... I apologize in advance if it's too much and you don't want to read it all):

 

For work, I had to spend three weeks in Italy right before the wedding.  I started the trip out with a killer sinus infection and screwed up my hormones because I didn't realize how the time change would affect my birth control.  Once I recovered from that, I got severe food poisoning (BTW: Speghetti Carbonara is made with raw egg in Italy).  Since it was a new job, I was also super stressed about that.  I had several problems with the hotel (taking my stuff, ripping holes in my laundry).  I had already purchased some gifts for my bridesmaids, but I wanted to get them a little something special, so I spent one of my free/non-sick days finding cute earrings for my MOH and another day looking for perfume for all of the bridesmaids.  On the way home, a couple bottles of Chianti and a bottle of olive oil broke in my suitcase. 

 

I got home on a Thursday, which I spent the entire day sleeping.  Then on Friday, I tried to start packing (cat peed in the non-wine covered suitcase).  So, in addition to choosing, downloading, and burning music for the wedding, packing OOT bags, writing my vows, and dealing with everyone's last minute questions, I now also had to purchase a new set of luggage.  The morning of the cruise leaving (Saturday), my MOH calls and says that she is having personal feminine problems for which she needs medication.  Since she was in the area of the cruiseport and is from out of state, I agreed to go to the pharmacy and pick it up for her.  After all was said and done, we had to speed very heavily to the cruise port in order to not miss the boat.  On the way, my MOH called me to see what was going on, and she agreed to go to guest services and see if there was anything that could be done to make sure I was let on the ship.  I found out later that she asked one person and they said she should ask someone else, and she went to the spa instead.

 

I also found out that she didn't plan a shower (which I was ok with, but it would have been nice if she offered) and that she didn't plan the bachelorette party.  One of the other bridesmaids started asking about it a week before the trip because she thought it was odd that she hadn't heard anything.  My MOH basically told her that she was too busy to worry about it and asked the other bridesmaid to run with it.

 

After we made it on the boat, I texted everyone to come down to our suite for a sail away party (for which we supplied champagne and wine aplenty).  Everyone came except my MOH and the friend that she brought.  They were busy hot tubbing with some strangers.  She had invited me to that earlier but I explained that my luggage with my bikini hadn't been dropped off yet. The day before the wedding, she wanted to go rock climbing and sunbathing.  It was too cold out to sunbathe and I didn't want to chance bruising anything by rock climbing right before the wedding but I told her I would be happy to go with her after the wedding.  I went with her and watched her climb anyway. 

 

The day of the wedding, I asked her to come with me to my hair and makeup appointments so I could get a second opinion.  For her wedding, I was not only with her for her appointments, I paid for them.  She showed up right before HER hair appointment but not in time for mine; she had spent the morning and early afternoon checking out the island with her friend instead of helping me get things ready (to be fair, I didn't specifically ask for her to spend the time with me except for the hair and make up appointments).  I ended up having to rewrite my vows because somehow the email I sent to myself didn't send.  I also had to have my FSIL be my personal courier to my FI because there was stuff he needed that he left in the room.  Thankfully my FSIL spent the whole day by my side helping me.  While we were getting ready right before the wedding, I was kinda freaking out because my dress was feeling to restrictive and I had bruised my rib the day before and I was in a little pain when I tried to breathe.  Instead of trying to help calm be down, my MOH kinda snapped at me for being cranky.  Right before we got into the taxi to go to the wedding, the wedding coordinator mentioned something about the grass, and I found out that our beach wedding was NOT going to be on the beach which made me even more on edge.  The driver of the taxi (who would not be the same driver taking us to the reception) said something about the wedding not being at the same place as the reception, to which I replied "Well, yeah.  The reception is going to be right here" and I pointed to the restaurant we were passing that was also the reception location.  Since I was cranky, it's possible that I could have said it in a bitchy tone, but I don't feel as if I was being offensive.  However, my MOH thought it was appropriate to tell me that I needed to quit being a bridezilla. 

 

After the wedding, the photographer was taking pictures and my MOH was chatting with him (mostly to suggest poses but it also seemed like light flirting was happening) and the photographer decided to start taking several shots of the MOH alone... which he didn't do with any other guest or bridesmaid or groomsman. At the reception, the MOH found a computer with internet access and decided to go on Facebook.  She ended up updating her status to say something about the wedding, but I believe that the original intention was to contact her boyfriend who did not come to the wedding.  The original plan for after dinner was to go back on the ship to dance at the ship's disco.  The MOH said something about there being a caribbean party and midnight buffet, to which I said something along the lines of "that might be cool for later if we have time."  The group of guests who weren't too tired to hang out any more made plans to meet at the piano bar near the night club.  When she arrived, she proceeded to mention the midnight buffet several more times even though we were giving negative responses to it.  Finally, I agreed to go up there, because I knew that she was not going to drop the subject.  When we got up there, she said that it wasn't what she thought it was going to be, and so she suggested we go into the hot tub.  I agreed (and got the groom to agree), but I said that I wanted to go to the adults only hot tub that was away from all the crowds of people.  She insisted that wouldn't be fun, and I said that I didn't really want to hang around strangers on this special night.. I wanted to hang around my friends and family.  She insisted that it had to be the hot tub in the middle of the crowds with all the people around.  So the groom and I agreed that we would not want to do that and we invited everyone to come back to our suite where we would order room service and champagne to celebrate.  My MOH and her friend blew us off and went hot tubbing instead.

 

The next day I was still hurt and angry that my MOH decided that if I didn't want to do what she wanted to do on my wedding day that she didn't feel it was a priority to spend time with me.  I had a hard time talking to her at dinner (I had made sure that she got sat at our table for the cruise so that we could spend time together, but I was regretting that decision that night) and I am not very good at acting like everything is ok when it isn't.  I wasn't rude, but I was not friendly either.  Afterwards, she pulled me aside and asked if we could talk.  I didn't want to, because I was still pretty angry and I wanted more time to cool off.  She insisted, so I walked with her and told her that I appreciated everything she had done for the wedding (she/her boyfriend made the boutinieres for the guys and wrapped ribbon around the parasols for the girls), but I was upset that she didn't want to spend my wedding night hanging out with us and our other friends just because we didn't want to do what she wanted to do.  I also told her that I didn't want to bring it up because I felt like she would feel that I didn't appreciate the things she had done.  She paused and told me that she didn't think that's what she had done, but she was sorry.  I believe I told her that I accepted her apology but that didn't mean that it still didn't hurt a little.  She then went off on a tirade about how unfair it was that she only did one little thing wrong and I was upset over it even though she had done so much other stuff.  I reiterated that I didn't want her to think I was ungrateful for the things she had done, but it did hurt my feelings that she didn't want to spend time with me on my wedding day.  I also stated that I understood that she was on vacation too, but I thought that the one day of the wedding would be a priority for her to spend with me and it hurt that it wasn't.  She then proceed to tell me that the past six months have been all about me and my wedding and how I was so cranky on the day of the wedding and so difficult to deal with and how I was so elitist and how I had never been so hurtful before and how I was just being insane.  Then she stormed off saying that she needed to wait until I had calmed down (at this point she was sobbing hysterically and I was still calm) but this wasn't over and we needed to hash it out. 

 

I invited her to go rock climbing with me on the day following that.  She came along with her friend and we climbed the rock wall.  She asked if I wanted to talk, and I told her that if it was going to be another fight, I would prefer if we didn't waste our last full day on the ship being angry and fighting and that we could talk things over after the vacation. 

 

Up until this point, I feel as if I typically took a backseat in our friendship.  She was more of the star, and I was more of the sidekick, which was fine.  Recently, her life hasn't been as stellar, but I've had a bit of success.  We live in separate states now, but I'm always the one to come out to visit her.  The times that she has come to visit me, it's because I've paid for her trip out to see me (which she could have afforded if it were a priority for her to use the funds in that manner).  Even after I've driven 700 miles to visit her, she has decided to not spend time with me if I do not want to do exactly what she wants to do that day.  I always remember her around Christmas time, but she will occasionally forget about me if her significant other is more of a priority that year. 

 

At this point, I'm not sure how I want to handle the situation.  I didn't express my feelings in a way that was hurtful; I simply stated what happened and why it had made me upset, but it seems like she still wants me to apologize for feeling that way.  She's currently airing her issues with the Best Man and posting passive aggressive facebook messages.  I still feel upset that I wanted the wedding day to be about just me and my groom and not only did she not respect that, she also made the situation about how hurt she was feeling when she pressured me to tell her what I was feeling.  I don't feel like she went above and beyond with her MOH duties and I feel as if my wedding got in the way of her having fun on her vacation.  Other guests at the wedding also expressed similar unsolicited opinions about her attitude.  Since we've been friends for 24 years, I kind of want to salvage the friendship, but I'm wondering if we've grown too far apart and if there isn't much friendship worth salvaging. 

 

My groom feels that maybe I should just let go of the friendship, and I don't feel as if I was overly demanding or that I was being unreasonable with my feelings or expectations.  I'm still trying to look back at my wedding last week and not have angry feelings about how things turned out.  What do you ladies think?  Should I suck it up and apologize to save the friendship even though I don't feel like I did something wrong?  I kinda feel that an insincere apology is worthless, but I also don't know what I would sincerely apologize for other than being a little stressed out leading up to the wedding (which I feel is pretty justified given how much crap I had to wade through just to make it to the altar). 

[merrylee]

oh sweetie, I am so sorry that you are feeling any of this or that you even felt it for 1 second.

 

I'm a big believer in the fact that everyone is entitled to their own feelings even when they are completely irrational, but I don't think that you were being irrational AT ALL!  I think it's only fair that your wedding day be about you and your groom period no exceptions.

 

There are no guidelines for friendships and it is ultimately completely up to you how you choose to handle it, but I also feel that if no effort is made on one side, it might be time to take a step back and re-evaluate what this friendship means to you.  Relationships (all relationships) should be 50/50 not 99/1 which it seems like you are dealing with, and I hope that you make the decision that works best for you and that you are able to repair it or sever it if necessary.  It is always easier said than done, but it wouldn't be worth it if it was easy.

 

[angel366]

i'm sorry to hear that you were dealing with this on your wedding day..

 

i have a bff that would have been my MOH if we were having a bridal party (which we are not) and i am so glad that we arent. she also lives in another state and just doesnt seem to care much about our wedding. it is hurtful--but ultimately...friendships are weird and always changing as people do.  am i hurt that she cant return a damn phone call to talk about the wedding? yes. but it is her lose. and if she doesnt see it that way--then maybe she isnt really my best friend after all.

 

i will say it is interesting because you keep mentioning your MOH "insisted" on doing xyz. why did you let her "insist" on everything? it was your wedding.tell her to shut up.

 

 i think there is A LOT of other issues going on and perhaps your husband is correct and it is time to get rid of the rfriendship-as hard as that may be. i am a firm believer that sometimes people come in our lives when we need them...and sometimes they can overlive their stay. and there is nothing wrong with that. people grow and change--just like relationships. it is really sad that your MOH couldnt get over herself enough to focus on you. but it doesnt seem like she is accepting in realizing that or altering her behavior.

[Sapphire723]

 

 

Originally Posted by angel366 

 

 

i will say it is interesting because you keep mentioning your MOH "insisted" on doing xyz. why did you let her "insist" on everything? it was your wedding.tell her to shut up.

 

it is really sad that your MOH couldnt get over herself enough to focus on you. but it doesnt seem like she is accepting in realizing that or altering her behavior.

 

I kept trying to politely tell her no, but she wasn't getting it.  And I really wasn't in the mood to scream "STFU ALREADY!"  Especially because I was concerned that would come off as being to bridezilla-y.  I'm just not sure how else I could have handled it without screaming at her.

 

This second point is my concern.  That I don't think she's interested in trying to fix anything.  She just wants me to make her feel better about her feelings.  I feel like I don't ask much of her, but I really wanted to be the focus on this one day.  And I kinda don't feel like it's too bridezilla of me to expect that, especially when I was pretty "whatever" about everything else.

 

 

 

[june11bride]

Im really sorry that you are dealing with this situation- I hope that it didn't ruin your wedding day- I hope that you can still think of your wedding night with happy memories.

 

In my experience, sometimes letting a friend go despite your history and past is the best thing to do. In fact I recently had to make that decision, and felt awful doing so, because I felt I would look bad by ending the friendship. In the end, it came down to me examining the friendship and realizing I didn't get anything positive out of it. So maybe that's what you should think about...do you get positive things from this friendship? are you getting as much as you give? does it benefit you in many ways? If not, it probably isn't worth it. Sometimes past and history doesn't matter as much since people change. You need to think of yourself, which to me was very hard, becaus I always wanted to be there for my friend, but agian, if you aren't getting anything positive out of it, is it really a friendship?

[merrylee]

I think you are too concerned about the appearance of being a bridezilla.  It was your wedding day, and you have the right to do what YOU WANT on that day and I am sure no one would have thought less of you if you had screamed at her to STFU already.  Especially since it appears they have made comments to you about her behavior.

 

I know it is hard to be the bad guy and to feel like if you say something you will be the cause of whatever potentially breaks this friendship.  However, that is not the case, and you need to be respected and loved by your best friend, not manipulated and ignored.

[Sharon99]

So sorry you are going through this situation. I agreed with all the ladies and HELL NO! Do not apologize! It was your wedding day and sounded like you were not bridezilla. Even if you were who cares. She should have been by your side no matter what. She clearly does not put any effort into your friendship & takes full advantage of you. We have all had these friends....people grow apart & change & it stinks... I had to end it with a friend after 10 years. It was hard but she put me through so much crap. Also, she is now married to my EX with kids! I cared way more for her then she did for me and eventually I just couldn't take it anymore. I stopped contacting her and she never bothered to ask why or get a hold of me... I was so much happier after the fact because I came to realize what a real friend is...someone who would do anything for you especially on YOUR special day! 

Don't worry, you will figure out what to do. And don't dwell on her & what happened. Think about you and your husband and the wonderful life you will share together!

[Sapphire723]

 

 

Originally Posted by merrylee 

 

I think you are too concerned about the appearance of being a bridezilla. 

 

 

You know, before you even posted that comment, I was thinking about that.  I feel like now-a-days there's so much pressure on brides to not get upset or angry over anything because if we do, then we're automatically a bridezilla.  Having feelings DOES NOT a bridezilla make!!

[deannamarie85]

I agree with the ladies above. but we are not you and don't know about all the great,wonderful times you have had together that led you to ask her to be your MOH. Sometimes it's helpful to look at the relationship as a whole and decide if it is worth losing forever. If it is, then it might be time to move on. If not, then this might be a bumpy time in your relationship but if she was your family you probably wouldn't consider cutting her out of your life. Good luck with all of this and hopefully you can look back at your wedding as a happy memory and not focus on what didn't happen.

[Sapphire723]

I talked to her last night, and I was able to explain more where I was coming from and she apologized for being insensitive.  So, it seems like things are good for now, and we'll see how future situations end up.