Wedding Called Off.....Opinions??

[bmadzia1]

Ok, so me and my FI joke around i.e... there is always time to change the name on the ticket, or if I tell him he's getting a belly, he tells me to find someone without one etc. etc. etc. Since he's a bit older than me and we met when I was 20, I joke that by the time I reach 30, he might need to find a new 'trophy' wife LOL.   Because we're in a a good/healthy relationship, we know and trust each other that it's just jokes. However, if you have reacted that way this quickly, there is more to it than the ownership or 'it's over' email.  Maybe perhaps you should have talked to him before you cancelled everything, but deep in your heart something told you to do what you did.  I think everything happens for a reason.  We had friends who cancelled their wedding 3 weeks prior to the big day, but eventually did end up eloping on the islands two years later.  No one thought wrong of them, and we were happy that in the end things did work out.  The one thing they didn't do was talk bad about each other after the wedding cancellation; still showed respect.  So as long as you or he does not bad mouth one another, people should understand.  It's not their sandbox to play in.

[merrylee]

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this and I hope that you are able to take the time that you need/want and find what you are both looking for.

But I wouldn't think about how others will perceive you, you have to make these decisions based on what you want not on what other people think.

 

 

[LMango]

I haven't made any decisions yet, but I really want to sincerely thank everyone who posted.....I have no friends here that really give a rat's arse about weddings, marriage, love, etc., and your posts DO MAKE A DIFFERENCE!! So thank you.

 

I'm leaning towards given the relationship another chance, so long as we live APART during this process, and he goes to counselling, proceeded by us going to the same counsellor as a couple. I already have my own counsellor for my anxiety disorder.

 

It feels weird to be in love with someone who doesn't work hard enough on his own behaviours to be the man he thinks I deserve. He just apologizes for not being "good enough." Ugh.

 

Will keep you guys updated....

 

Thank you, again.....

[hatfiehm]

Hey LMAngo,

sorry to hear about your situation.  My fiance and I found ourselves at a "crossroads" similar to your story about a year and a half ago.  I ended up asking him to move out.  This was a BIG wake up call to him because up until this point I had nagged about what I wanted but never truly took a stand.  It sounds as though your fiance has realized what he has done, but that doesn't excuse his actions and the trust that he has broken with you.

 

What worked for us in the end was going to couples counselling.  We actually only went to a few sessions together and then he also went to some by himself and it has helped us immensely.  I know its a scary step to take (and many men have a hard time agreeing to do it) but I would HIGHLY recommend it.  Whether or not you will make it as a couple, time will tell.  But for us, going to therapy helped us to learn how to talk to each other when we didnt agree, how to recognize our hot points and though our relationship isnt perfect.. we have been able to come to the realization that we both want to spend the rest of our lives together and continue working at our relationship for the long haul.

 

Don't worry about others opinions.  I was also mortified when we broke up, in fact it took me a while to share it with friends and family.  I felt like a failure and so ashamed.  And also struggled with it when we got back together... would people think I was weak? that I took him back too easily.  All I can tell you is, no matter what happens, your friends and family will be there.  To celebrate with you on the big day, or to pick you up off the floor and help you to sort it all out.

 

Wishing you the best!!

Holly

[mochamakes3]

LMango, after your last post I feel like just giving you a big hug. It's a tough situation and without a support group of friends it is probably more difficult.

 

I think at some point we all feel like we're not worthy of our mate, but making the move to be a better person not only for them, but for yourself is what's important. I hope he gets things sorted out so that you can continue to build your relationship and your future, whether it be together or apart.

 

Best of luck

[LMango]

Thank you, guys.....

 

This is how I feel -->>

 

His sister deleted me from facebook this morning!! :eek: WTF.....

 

I'll check with you guys after the month is up. So far, I am HORRIBLE at not contacting him. At least texting is not as much contact as seeing him in person.

 

Will check in.....

 

Thanks, again.....

[Tennyt1]

I agree with Royalbride and you can't think about whatevery one else will think of your decison.  At the end of the day it just the two of you and how you feel about each other...if you love him then I think it can work.

 

Originally Posted by royalbride610 

Well, I don't know anything about your relationship, but personally I would give him another chance...  He said he didn't really mean it, and although it was a HORRIBLY bad joke, maybe you reacted a little to quickly.

 

I think you should have spoke with him before you called everything off, I know that it had to be extremely devastating to read that email, but reacting while your upset doesn't make it much better...

 

 

 

[LMango]

I'm definitely in a bind, now......he came over last night because he knew I was upset about some things. We ended up talking for 3 hours straight, which was very emotionally draining and included a few fights. He ended up spending the night.....ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, cannot explain how much I miss him when he isn't here. I definitely want to give us another chance.

 

I have to stress how worried I am about how my family will react. They were so supportive of me when he said "it's over" and acted like a assface, and my friends were so supportive, and I feel like they're going to roll their eyes and secretely be mad at me. My Mom even said if we get back together, we're only going to end up breaking up again, years from now. So this doesn't make me have a lot of faith in things.....but man.....nobody has ever accepted me as imperfect as I am as him.....we make each other laugh over the stupidest things.....when I flip out with my anxiety at him, he envelops me in his big arms. I don't want to leave his arms.

 

I can say I am now visiting the Vegas part of the forums.....but I'm thinking a year from the original date. Oh man.

[merrylee]

I will say that it is hard, and you both have to work at it.  My FSIL and her hubby broke up like 2 years before they got married due to him cheating with a stripper.  Yeah the ultimate betrayal.  However, they both decided that they wanted each other and realized that they were both imperfect and it wasn't just that one instance that caused the break up it was just the last straw.  Looking at them now, married and about to be parents, the couple they were before they got back together and went to counselling seems like years away.  I can't imagine them not together, and they make each other better when they are together.  So although the people in your life may secretly be mad at you, if you both work to make the relationship better, and those people are able to see those positive changes, it will just become okay.  But I think he also has to be willing to get his butt chewed for being an assface and accept his licks.

[skp1]

I am so sorry you are going through this but its better now than later.  It sounds like some pretty strong and hurtful things were done and said, but it's not past the point of no return.  yes, it was a horrible "joke" and yes you acted hastily but that's OK.  Having some time apart may be the best thing for you right now.  Whether you get back together or move on is up to you and only you.  Don't even consider what anyone else thinks - its your life.  if your friends and family truly love you, they will support your decision.  Right now everything is still very fresh so everyones' feelings are heightened.  Believe me, if you end up marrying next year in Vegas, your friends and family will be there for you (if you invite them )

 

My FI and I went through a horrible break up after 8 years together.  We were definitely in a rut but instead of working at it together he decided he wanted to look for someone else.  it was devastating - I lost about 15 pounds in 2 months (which was the only good part at the time).  I cried all the time, missed him terribly but moved forward.  Six months later our paths crossed and we decided to re-examine our relationship.  it wasn't like the movies where we went running back to each other - it was WORK.  It took about another 6 months for us to officially be back together (during which time there were some huge ups and downs) and I admit I was embarrassed to tell some of my friends.  But they all accept us as a couple and now years later, I don't think they could picture us apart. 

 

Give it some time, communicate with each other and use this time to improve your relationship.  i think our break-up was the best thing that could have happened to us - we both learned a lot.