Any tips in terms of dealing with parents who make you feel guilty for having a destination wedding?

[baileybutton]

I enjoyed reading through this thread because I know we are going to be dealing with this issue as the months go on....I know there are going to be some financial challanges on FI's side of the family and mine too for that matter. I think we are going to get alot of negitivity from his side of the family. My side has known for YEARS this is what we wanted to do but his side is used to cheap weddings in halls or in someones backyard.

[kloos5]

First off, I never wanted a traditional wedding with 150 people whom I hardly knew in the first place. I wanted it to be different and fun and ACTIVE!!! I understood that my parents and my sister wouldn't be able to come all the way from Poland to Mexico, deal with the costs and the visa issues, so I planned a honeymoon in Europe 1 month after my wedding. That way I could see my parents, show them the pics, get to be at home for Chritmas and at the same time marry in a beautiful location among people that care about us and won't complain that "it's too expensive, too far bla, bla , bla" Remember - People who care will find a way to be there and make it a priority, even if they have to collect the money for a whole year...people who complain and show dissatisfaction should not be there anyway.

[torilynnsmith]

What a great thread!

 

Before we were even engaged FI and I knew we were going to have a destination wedding.  At the time we were living in Halifax Nova Scotia, my parent were in Toronto, Ontario and his family in Ottawa, Ontario.  Also my extended family is all out on the west coast so where ever we were to get married people would be travelling.  This was one reason but the other reason was probably because ever since I was a little girl my dad insisted that I get married on a beach, do a destination wedding!! I loved the idea and ran with it.  Everyone was very supportive of the destination wedding idea of both my family and his.  My Dad talked to me about "expectations" and understanding that not everyone we invite would be able to come but as long as WE were okay with that.  We knew this and I explained that even if it was just FI and I it would be what we wanted and therefore perfect.  We got engaged in July 2011, in August FI left to play hockey in the states and so I decided to leave Halifax and move back to Ontario to be closer to our families.  We knew we would likely get married in the winter of 2012 and likely during a time when most people would take their "getaway" vacations so that it could be most doable for everyone.  

 

My parents celebrated their 25th wedding Anniversary this year and booked a cruise for November.  In May we decided to start planning our wedding as time was ticking and January/February was just around the corner we knew we had to make some decisions.  We decided on a resort discussed it with our families and went ahead.  About 2 weeks after booking our trip I went home to visit my parents, talking to my mom one afternoon she started telling me how my Dad doesn't want to go to an all inclusive, why did we pick Dominican Republic, do they have to be around all FIs family all week, they are not looking forward to spending a week in the DR for a wedding etc. etc. etc.  I wanted to cry, I didn't know what to say.  We had discussed the DW since before getting engaged but at this point we had almost been engaged for a year. Anyways, long story short MY parents have given us the most grief.  I finally said to my mom that if they don't want to come or can't come that I prefer they don't as I do not want to feel like an imposition.  I think once I said this it really opened her eyes that this is our wedding after all and (in theory) it only happens once so she can let the experience pass her by or they can enjoy this process.  Since then her attitude has been much more positive and supportive but every time I visit Dad mentions how my aunts and uncles (his brothers and sisters) aren't going to be able to come.  I don't know how to tell him THAT'S FINE any other way, truthfully I am not even close with them as they live so far away!

 

You have to do what is best for you, if you are not ok with your family being absent from your wedding then maybe you do want to change your plans but if you accept the fact that that is a reality than move forward with what is right for you and FI, honestly when you look back on your big day the two of you are the ONLY ones who will remember it and it is important you remember it in a positive light.

 

That being said we tried to choose a destination and resort that met all our needs but was most affordable.  Their are some concessions you may make but the big picture has to be your own and no one elses!!

 

 

 

-sorry... kind of used this as a little vent but it is nice to know that I am not the only one hearing the "complaints"

[Evgal]

Yes, this is a great thread! I can totally relate.  Family really knows how to push your buttons.  I just came to terms that my family will be the one that me and my FI will create and so we will start the way we want to start.  On the other hand, I did have conversations with a few people that I wanted to be there to make sure that it was do-able.  For example, my very best friend gets sea-sick so a cruise was out of the question.  I had enough options and wasn't set on any one (except it being a DW) so I didn't think I was compromising my vision.  If Hawaii is what you want then you should do it.  If family is what you want then compromise and go to Hawaii for honeymoon.  I hope everything works out for you.

[luvmoo]

I am sorry you are stuck in this situation.. the Ladies on here are right.. it is soo common with a DW for the Bride and Groom to be to be put in this situation.. which is soo unfortunate..  But have you thought about doing a small city hall type thing. and get legally married at home, and with your parents, and then still go through the DW and honeymoon where you want it? that may work where you can keep everyone happy yet still do what YOU want...

 

[Milly11]

I am in the same situation. When I got engaged and told my mom that I wanted to have DW she freaked out. She told me that its crazy to have a wedding on the beach and blah blah blah (in the country where I am from there are no destination weddings and many people have never heard of it). I knew I didn't want to have a big wedding with bunch of people who I don't even know. I truly don't want to spend my wedding day with some random guests that I see once a year. So after few weeks of thinking I told my mom that I would love for her to be there with me but if she doesn't want to then that's her choice. Many people are looking weird at me for having DW but I don't care. If they don't want to come then that's their loss.

[adevnturelovers]

Well I love this thread as I had a similar problem but with my brother and his family. He made me feel guilty saying "weddings are supposed to have all your family and since I can't be there you don't care about family". His reasons were finicially which I knew from the start and offered and even budgeted into my costs before we got engaged (as we always knew we wanted a destination wedding) to pay for his whole family . Problem was he has too much pride to actually accept the money. So he and his children are not attending. I was kind of sad about this for the first month after he told me but because he is being an a-hole to me and my FI and even doesnt want to talk to us because we having a destination wedding, I just decided to say "screw it, I am not changing the wedding of my dreams especially if he is being so mean to me" .

 

Girls from so much stress I even lost a small patch of hair and had a acne breakout like I was 15 yrs old!! After that I decided to calm down and just let it go. I dont resent that he does not want to attend , so my advice to you is not to resent you parents either. Just explain to them how this is your dream wedding and how important it is to you for them to be there. If they still don't change their mind, then screw it, go on with what makes you happiest.

 

 

[torilynnsmith]

Just thought I would update you ladies on my situation and hopefully provide some insight with dealing withs such situations.  Recently I have found a 180 degree difference with regards to my wedding and my parents.  My mom has been SO amazing taking an interest in everything and my Dad has seemed to totally come on board.  Last week when I was visiting I was talking to my dad and told him how much it meant to me and he asked if I knew what changed.  He told me it was my attitude and my approach that had changed, I had trouble agreeing with this but have been making a conscious effort to not shut people down and say no when it came to wedding suggestions etc so I listened.  I was a very interesting perspective and I realized he could be right!  I was so defensive about the "nagativity" surrounding our wedding that I was constantly pushing everyone away and shutting them down.  They were just asking questions and I took it as an inquisition just because I felt that everyone was going to be or was being negative!  Since I have been more open minded and accepted that this is our wedding and we are going to enjoy it but still welcome those that can be apart of it the whole dynamic has changed.  Hopefully you ladies can also take something from this, whether my dad is right or not it changed my attitude and I feel more positive and supported all around!!! I hope all you ladies can get to this point as it is your wedding and it is so important to feel GREAT about it!   

[CMinDC]

Do what makes you happy - one person who says they can't travel to X location will be balanced out with another person who says they can't travel to Y location. We have small families that do not travel overseas, except for one family that vacations in the Caribbean. But, we live in Washington DC, and for my parents and friends from younger days to travel from the West Coast to DC and stay in a hotel here would actually cost more than if they travel to Mexico where we will be married in Tulum. And, our friends in DC - the majority of our guests - travel overseas all the time due to their jobs and vacation preferences. Destination weddings are common among our friends. So, while I do feel a bit guilty that my dad, in particular, is likely not able to travel to our wedding in MX, my mom had told me that all along he'd said he was not sure if he would travel anywhere to a wedding if I did not do it near home. I'm not willing to ask all my friends and fiance's family to travel from the East Coast to a town they have never even considered visiting in the West (inland, not a coastal city, so also very expensive to travel to from here). And, I was married briefly before - did the whole church and buttermint wedding in my home town. Just don't need to do that again. My fiance wants a beach wedding, and he's never been married before. So, we will have a beach wedding. I know we will have some disappointments along the way since some will not be able to attend, but in the end, it will be where we both want it. Also, cost is a big factor for us - we have to save for over a year to afford a wedding, and urban cities in the US cost around twice as much for the same type of wedding as if you do it overseas. Even if we had it near our home in DC, we still could not afford to invite and have more people to attend.

[Evgal]

Wow, that's an interesting to hear.  I have been rather defensive even though I try not to be.  I will have to try to redouble my efforts to keep positive and being more receptive to suggestions.  I'm glad that things worked out for you.  Thanks for sharing!