Cold feet or Cancel Wedding? HELP!!!!!!!!

[R&DVolz2011]

I am dying here.......

 

I am leaving for Mexico to get married in 3 weeks and am FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!  At first I thought it was pre-wedding jitters but now I am not so sure.  We have a great relationship, truly, but I just can't help but feel like something is missing.  It's not my fiance's fault, he loves me very much as do I him.  But there is no passion. None.  I hear that things cool off a bit before the wedding and that is normal, but I feel like they are ice cold and have been for a long time.  It's not him, it's me.  I do not feel even one small spark of attraction to him ... I am daydreaming about other people, I cringe when he tries to touch me, all those small annoyances seem amplified and make me want to poke my eyes out.  I totally realize that sounds so b*tchy I can  hardly believe I am typing it...but I just have to let it out.......

 

I don't feel excited, I feel panic.  Dread almost.  I feel sick to my stomach all the time.  Can I be with him for the rest of my life?  When people ask me if I'm ready and if I'm excited I avoid the question and say I'm nervous and change the subject. 

 

To top it all off, I went through the worst destination wedding TA company ever....granted, the woman I worked with did a nice job, but we had to sign a contract to get credit for room nights booked to help with the private functions.  We arrive in less than 3 weeks...under the terms of the contract, if we cancel now we must pay 100% of the room night revenue lost.  There are 14 rooms in our contract...If we estimate 2 grand per room, that is $30 THOUSAND DOLLARS.  I do not have 30 grand.  Not to mention if people decide to cancel their trip they will all be out hundreds of dollars each if they didn't buy trip insurance. Including us because we stupidly didn't buy insurance. 

 

This isn't just about me, as we are in this together... I want to tell him and I finally worked up the nerve tonight.  Then I lost it.  Now he is going to be gone for the next 3 days for this bachelor party....

 

What do I do???????????

 

 

[KCB2011]

First of all, I am SO SORRY that you are having to go through this right now!  All I can say is that you should go with your gut.  I know that's not very helpful and is probably what most people say but I try and follow my gut so I always tell other people to do the same....we have intuition for a reason!

 

On the practical side of things - are you doing the legal stuff in Mexico?  Maybe to save your money and others money - you could cancel the legal part of the ceremony and just do a symbolic ceremony (you may have to pay the fees for the judge etc anyway but this will be much less than the $30000 it would cost to cancel everything)?  This way, you can discuss this in more depth with your fiance after you return from the symbolic wedding without having to go through all the legalities if you do decide to go your separate ways.  Also, no one has to cancel their trip and you will be able to make your decision based on what you actually want to do - not based on anything to do with the trip or money.

 

As I read what I am typing, I know it sounds a little bad, like you are going through the motions of a "fake" wedding for everyone, but it is a way to keep yourself out of crisis mode for the logistical side of things and make the decision when you are not in panic mode which might help.  If you decide it is just cold feet, then you can go do the legal thing at city hall and no one has to be the wiser!

 

Hope this helps and no matter what happens, good luck and trust that you will make the best decision for you!

[SeeFlowers]

I think the above advice is pretty good. I was going to say to at least go on vacation so you don't lose money. Did you guys do any pre-wedding counseling or anything? I think you two need to talk and maybe together talk with a counselor or someone.

[BlueMoonGirl]

I'm really sorry that you're going through this. I think you should be honest with your fiance and tell him how you feel. If the situation was reversed, wouldn't you want your fiance to tell you the truth? I know that losing all that money is crazy, but I think it's even more crazy to put yourself, your fiance and all your guests through an entire wedding ceremony (legal or symbolic) when you're feeling this way. You're saying that you're "dying"...those are really strong emotions. You'll be even more miserable during your wedding and vacation. Could you postpone or move your wedding to a later date (this may cost money, but may not be as bad as losing $30,000) -- to give you and your fiance more time to talk and figure out what to do together?

[june11bride]

Yeah I agree, Im so sorry you are feeling this way. I agree that you need to talk to him and figure this out. I dont really think it would be right to go through with it just because of the losing money thing...maybe you could still do the vacation thing but hold off on the wedding part until yu are certain? It realy must be so tough, I am so sorry you have to deal with this.

[krsmith]

I'm so sorry! I totally understand what you are going through! And know that your feelings are OK, there is NOTHING wrong with them!! You feel this way for a reason and you should not ignore it. You need to really stop and think about what your feelings are NOW. Most of the time after you get married the problems you have don't just all of a sudden get better...they typically will get worse. If you have these feelings now, how do you think you will feel in a year, or five, or twenty? Is there something he can do to help you change your feelings? If you were to imagine him minus all the stuff that drives you CRAZY, would he seem more "attractive" (not just physically) to you? If you can't imagine ever feeling the way you used to about him that is a HUGE red light!

 

Here is my little story:

 

My fiance and I got engaged on our 4 year anniversary (Aug 29th 2009). About a year ago, my FI and I were in the middle of planning a BIG wedding in our hometown in MT for Aug 28th, 2010. I was increasingly stressed not only about the wedding, but was concerned about our future. I realized how UNHAPPY I was and honestly felt everything you described to a T. My FI had gotten EXTREMELY lazy and inconsiderate. We both work 40 hrs, but for some reason everything was on me to keep the household running. I was his mommy...not only was he being totally irresponsible, he let himself go...showering maybe 3x a week, brushing his teeth occasionally...etc. I was totally filled with resentment. Although I really did love him, I did NOT like him...of course this had an effect on the "spark" in our relationship too.

 

While I was home doing some planning I just about had a break down. My parents and I had a LONG discussion...it came down to: Will I be happy if things were to always stay like this? NO!!!!!!! You have to think big picture...not the money, the awkwardness, the embarrassment telling everyone...NONE of that matters if you ultimately will be getting a divorce down the road (which will probably cost you more than $30k and be even more of an embarrasment). 

 

I sucked it up and confronted my FI about EVERYTHING. I was brutally honest...it hurt him of course, but he understood how I felt and was glad I came to him. We ended up postponing the wedding...and as hard as it was...it was the BEST decision of my life. I told him what I NEEDED to be happy (and was willing to call it quits if he did not want to change), but he decided he'd rather GROW UP and take responsibility than lose me. With some counseling and over time with the changes he made, our relationship got back to where it used to be. We haven't been this happy in a very long time...and you know what??? Now he THANKS me for having the courage to say something. 

 

Do what is right for YOU. I guarantee that everyone who knows and loves you will be 100% behind you...you might even inspire others to have the courage to stop the inevitable disaster down the road. I have a couple clients & friends who took my lead, and while it was difficult, they have NO REGRETS!

 

Be strong and know everyone supports you!!

[karyan]

I have to agree with all of the above, you really have to think about this before you go and get married. Talking with a professional therapist sounds like an excellent idea, even if you just do it by yourself for a session or two. That way you can see if you can get to the root of what's bothering you the most, and figure out if it's just nerves or something deeper. Every relationship has it's ups and downs, but it's not fair to him or you to go through with the wedding if you truly don't feel it. 

 

I went to one wedding (they had been together for 6 years before getting married) and then 10 months later they were starting the divorce process. I don't know what truly went on, but I know it was the female who initiated the divorce, and that she just wasn't happy. I know the husband was blindsided by her true feelings, and 5 years later he is still very angry over how it ended. He was very happy with the relationship and didn't even know that anything was wrong. Both of them are lovely people, but I wonder if she had only brought up her issues before hand would that have saved the relationship, and/or saved him and her a lot of grief. 

 

 

[muzikgrrl]

Some good advice from the ladies that I agree with.  From the way you talk about your relationship and the way it is now, it seems like you have something to work out with your FI.   I think you really need to talk to your FI and find out what he's thinking, he might be having similar concerns and jitters.  Then at least you'll know where you stand and what to do next, it could make things better and alleviate some of the stress and worry about the unknown.  Maybe talk to a friend if you can't talk to him for a few more days, just to try and get some of your feelings out.  I hope everything works out for you!

[deesanders33]

I hope you made the right decision and talked to him before you got married. I def agree with all the advice above. I went through a horriable sitation before I met my other half! He is my everything and I am glad that I found him! I now get to marry the man of my dreams and I couldn't be happier!!

[deannamarie85]

I hope everything worked out for you as well. I think the best advice given here was to get some pre-marriage counseling. It really helps to talk to someone about your feelings and learn how to communicate your wants and needs to each other.