Calling All StepMoms & SM2B's :)

[coconoir1908]

Ladies,

 

Let's not apologize for venting because we all need it and this is a safe way of doing so.  Doesn't it feel good to let go?  So if nothing more, I am an ear that knows and will listen, and where appropriate respond. 

 

Out of all of this, the great thing is that you and "your daughter" have a great relationship!  That is something that not even the mother can take away.  Remember it is "who you are" and what "you do" that will count in the end.  Because even children grow and they will see with their own eyes. 

 

From the mouths of babes, my 10 year old said to his grandma (Yeye) which he calls her "When my mom and Mr. Derick (FI) gets married, I might call him dad although he will be my step-dad.  He does things with me, listens to me and he always have the best old cartoons. I can't wait until they get married and we all live together."  Needless to say I was smiling so hard that it turned to tears.  This is from a child who hasn't seen his dad since I graduated from grad school in 04'  Each person makes their own bed to lie in, but we can't dictate or control when in that time will come. 

 

Keep up the GREAT work ladies

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by nadennec 

I know exactly what you're talking about! My FI's ex (lives 2 hours away in another town) but would randomly come in town not telling us and drop off his daughter. Of course he wants to spend as much time with her as possible, but it was more like she was just using him as a babysitter so she could see her boyfriend. One time she even called on her way in town and made us cancel our plans so we could wait for her, she had his daughter call and say she was coming to see him, then didn't pick her up until Monday at 5am so she could drive back out of town to get his daughter to school, which I did not agree was healthy for his daughter to be traveling like that. I believe a child needs some sort of stability, especially with the crazy mom she has! She has always made life so difficult for us because its always about her, not their daughter. We've never had a good relationship, but the past year or so she has seemed to warmed up to me. My FMIL says I should be careful bc its all an act. My FI even found out recently that a year ago she was calling his family in another state ALL the time, out of no where, trying to get in good with them so they would convinve my FI to leave me and go back to her!!! But regardless of all this, his daughter and I have a great relationship. Its been difficult at times early on bc before we talked about marriage and kids he always made comments to everyone that no child could ever be as perfect as her, and he didn't even want to bother trying. So this definitely made me feel like if we had children he would love them as much as her. But after alot of talking about things we've gotten through it.

 

Sorry to vent, but I've never really been to talk to anyone that understands what I'm going through, and so glad I found this thread!

 

Originally Posted by Ellabaja1983 

See, FI and the mother don't have the greatest relationship...  I think her and I have a better relationship than the two of them do.  It has gotten a little more difficult in the past 6 months when she realized that this was really happening and we were getting married.  She's made a point in making things a little more difficult.  She really enjoys inconveniencing FI and I so she can do what she wants, when she wants, with her boyfriend of almost a year now.  Even if it's her weekend, she expects FI to help out with getting the kids to/from their sporting events, but when it's his weekend, "it doesn't fit into her plan."  Of course FI isn't going to make it difficult for the kids and is always there for both boys sporting events, so he does what he needs to do.  I think that has become our biggest obsticle.

 

I must say, a couple of years ago when FMIL said, "Oh yea (insert boys mother's name here), said that she really likes you and that you are easy to get along with!"  I responded to FMIL with, "Of course I am!  Why would I not be?  It would only cause more problems for FI, and I don't want that!" 

 

[nadennec]

I completely agree!! My FI's ex told him (her daughter called her to tell her) that when he propsed to me (on christmas) that it was her favorite present out of everything, even though it wasn't her present. It completely brought me to tears how happy she was about it!

[adales]

I guess I am lucky that our relationship is so good.  But you ladies just stand strong and remember all that matters is the love that you have for each other and the family that you have created.

[erinbrooke124]

I can join this group!  My FI has a 7 year old son.  Poor guy has been trying to figure out who is who lately, and what to call everyone (new grandparents/aunts/uncles/etc.) as his mom just got married and we are of course getting married this year.

 

Luckily I've been a part of his life since he was 3 and we get along great!  There are always jumps and hurdles to deal with and I anticipate they'll get harder as he reaches his teenage years.  Thankfully I'm a 7th grade teacher and know what to expect and how to deal with it

 

I look forward to sharing stories/venting/helping each other out!

[big3n09]

All I can say is if it's good then great, if not the kids will come around.  The mothers are as important as you make or let them be, I've wanted to talk to the kids mother since I met them and she wasn't open to it.  My father has been married for 16 years and although I don't care for his wife I'm a lot more respectful and accepting to their relationship, didn't have much choice lol.  Most times it's either the mother or the child feeling like their loosing their parent, either case if you two love each other and do what's right everything else will fall in place.  The mother's actually only have but so much control I know in the past I've made some issues bigger than what they were.  Subconsciously I think I felt insecure and needed to make my mark at times and it wasn't even necessary.  I totally agree that the man HAS TO do his part because he is the common ground in the relationship so he has a big job and has to understand everyone won't always be happy.  At times it can be overwhelming and stressful for the them but he has to do his part period.  We too have to do our part of being supportive and remember that the kids are kids so they don't know any better sometimes.  All you can do is try to make the best of your relationships and that goes for all relationships actually.   I can't even believe I've said this I must be getting older lmbo!!!

[ACDCDCAC]

 

 

Originally Posted by big3n09 In my growing up I have learned to deal with things in a better manner so some things that use to bother me don't anymore or just aren't important. 

this im still learning i have a hard time picking my battles! my hubby is trying to teach me but to me all the things are important! another problem i have is that since ive only had the kids for 6 years, to me they are still little kids, its hard to remember that they are getting older because to me they were just "born" 6 years ago, thats when my parenting started, if that makes sense!

 

 

Originally Posted by CBREWSTER After helping raise a teenager for the last 4 years makes me really think hard.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ellabaja1983 Part of me feels like instead of having an infant, I just adopted older children, you know? 

these are both major reasons why we have decided not to have our own baby together, we both love our "us" time on the few days a week we dont have the kids overnight (ours are with us from thurs after school to sunday night, so literally half the week, every week.) its really nice sometimes to have it just be us. but then we get our dedicated kid time too, so we really get the best of both worlds.

 

plus, as our kids are getting older, it makes us that much further from diapers and other things that make having an infant/baby/toddler hard. we can run off and take a vacation any time we want, or whatever. with a baby, you cant just leave them at any time with any one, but with older kids that have 2 homes, we always know we can do what we need, when we need.

 

Originally Posted by coconoir1908 so when I introduce you, you will be my daughter. And that's not to take away from anyone but that's just me.  I will always treat you, as if you are my own daughter because I do not believe in separation.

 this is how my own Smom has always been, and im cool with it. with my kids when im speaking about them i call them my kids, my daughter, etc. then depending on the situation (who they are being introduced to or whatever) i either say our kids, my kids, or dougs kids. i dont want to take away from the fact that they have a mother they very much love, but at the same time, even tho i didnt birth them they are very much my kids too now.

 

Wow this thread it pretty cool as I realized that I typed a paragraph ;-)

i think so too! im really glad all you ladies are jumping in with me

 

 

[Ellabaja1983]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abbie 

plus, as our kids are getting older, it makes us that much further from diapers and other things that make having an infant/baby/toddler hard. we can run off and take a vacation any time we want, or whatever. with a baby, you cant just leave them at any time with any one, but with older kids that have 2 homes, we always know we can do what we need, when we need. 

 This is something that is weighting more and more on me.  With FIs children being 15 and 12...  We are at that point where they can stay home alone for a few hours without worry, we can come and go as we want and that's a very nice feeling.  So, I guess we'll just have to see what happens!

[ACDCDCAC]

Originally Posted by Ellabaja1983 This is something that is weighting more and more on me.  With FIs children being 15 and 12...  We are at that point where they can stay home alone for a few hours without worry, we can come and go as we want and that's a very nice feeling.  So, I guess we'll just have to see what happens!

its tough sometimes, all my friends are having babies, and oh my word, my clock ticks soooo loud sometimes! we were visiting a friends 2 day old baby last month and after a while i said, we need to leave before i start lactating!

 

its hard when you would LOVE to have a baby, but also know that you dont want to RAISE another /toddler/child/preteen/teen/adult!!! (ps our kids are 12 and 15 too!)

 

 

[big3n09]

Me and FI had a conversation last night cause I want us to at least get adjusted to being married for a year before even having to worrying about having a baby.  We decided what we will do for a year then after that we will see what happens but once I'm 35 and he's 40 it's a wrap on having kids.  I also mentioned we may run into him being a new father and grand-father at the same time, hope not but the 2 oldest are 17 and 15 and it's possible.

[Ellabaja1983]

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abbie 

 

its tough sometimes, all my friends are having babies, and oh my word, my clock ticks soooo loud sometimes! we were visiting a friends 2 day old baby last month and after a while i said, we need to leave before i start lactating!

 

 

See, my best friend has a 6 month old, and I'm really itching when she comes over..  I also have twin niece and nephews who are 2 years old, so it's kind of hard to stay away from them.  Luckily I am still open to having children, I just don't know...