Calling All StepMoms & SM2B's :)

[favorsmr]

How do you and his mother get along? The reason I ask is sometime they may hear something that makes them afraid, even if it was not said with that intention. This was just my first thought.

Hi Ladies!  I'm also new to this site and this thread is AMAZING! I have a 5yr old and my fiance has a 4 yr old. I've been around his child since he was 2. My child totally interacts with my fiance and she loves him to pieces. BUT.....  HIS son refuses to COMMUNICATE with me.  He cries when he has to stay at our house. It's gotten so bad that my fiance sleeps at his mom's house when he has his son. I REALLY NEED SOME ADVICE!!  *Please help* :BangHead:

[ShayF]

Favorsmr...

 

His mom and I don't have a relationship. We really don't know each other and I'm more than okay with keeping it that way. 

 

I was around his son today and it was ok. He may have spoke 2 sentences to me. *sigh*

[teamboyd2012]

I am SOOOO glad I found this forum!!! I can FINALLY stop feeling like no one can understand my situation. I already feel like I have a new set of girlfriends. LOL

 

Big3n09 - I think I may actually have you beat... Heck, I may be the 1st one ya'll have actually pity on LMBO

 

I am 32 (no children), FI is 29 AND has 4 kids - 8 (girl), 6 (boy), 4 (girl), 3 (boy). WHEW!!!!  We have been together for almost 3 years and I've been in the childrens' lives for 2. The ex-wife (yes, only 1 mother) and FI absolutely DESPISE each other (yet found it in their hearts to 'dip back' - but that's another forum) so it has not made life easy. He gets the kids every other weekend which I personally feel isn't enough time to truly bond with them. Not that we have problems at all. I love them to death and they have definitely taken to me but I'm kind of afraid of how the relationship will progress. With them being so young, not spending a great deal of time with them and their mother soooo not being a part of the blended family team, it gets hard.

 

We still haven't told them that we're getting married because we are stealing ourselves for the wrath of the ex. And with them being so little really not sure if most of them will understand. We've also decided to just do a symbolic ceremony in DR and get legally married in states so the children can attend ceremony. Just can't imagine the hell we would have to go through to get her to sign off on taking them out of the country - particularly for this reason.

 

Sorry to basically vomit all over the forum, but it's hard to express these feelings to him without him feeling bad or guilty. And it's equally hard to express it to friends and family because although they all love him I can't help but feel they still harbor some of the initial feelings of 'what is she thinking'  when they found out about ex and kids. Am I overreacting to the whole situation?

[big3n09]

Well well well Teamboyd2012 I hope you know how to pray!  We have similar situation only the ages are different.  I'm serious about the prayer but I sometimes wonder if I would have came in my SK lives when they were a little younger if that would have made it better.  I will say this I've been in the picture for going on 8 years now the oldest is 18(girl) and we have the best relationship of them all.  The 16 and 13 year old both boys are in there teenage phase of life so those are the issues I'm dealing with.  The youngest is 7(boy), their mother was pregnant when we first met, they all have the same mother, I don't have any relationship with him.  I have grown a lot, some things don't bother me the same as they use to.  I have set boundaries for myself and the dynamics of our situation.  I will not be unhappy, stressed, or disrespected PERIOD, when those things come into play we all have a problem.  So what I do is try my best and do what I can to not have any of those emotions come into play.  It probably sounds easier said than done and it may not come over night but have faith and love and you'll be fine.

[ShayF]

Big3n09...That's the best advice I've ever heard!!!

 

"I will not be unhappy,stressed, or disrespected PERIOD....so what I try my best and so what I can to not have any of those emotions come into play."

 

I LOVE IT! and I'm working on having the same attitude! 

 

Thanks for sharing, you've definitely changed my outlook on this situation.

[sswed13]

Hi everyone!

 

So happy to have found this forum, didnt even know it existed. My FI is 39, and I'm 28. He has a 7 yr old son who I adore. I always knew I wanted kids, and we plan on having our own as well. We are excited to be including his son in our wedding, and I am always amused that he always asks if we're married yet. 

I look forward to sharing stories with everyone and welcome any advice.

 

 

[starletj]

Hi Ladies! I'm a soon to be step mom to two lovely little ladies ages 6 and 10. I've been around for 4 years now, to be honest at first it was a little rough because I never really dated anyone that had children ( or can we say that was actually involved in their kid life, glad I didnt stick with those jerks). I had to  spend time with them get to know them and open myself up so that can get to know me, now were just one big happy family, I love them to pieces. Were planning to get pregnant sometime after the wedding which is April 7, 2013.

 

[wallabymeisje]

I am also going to be in the step mom boat although I have been in their lives for a long time now and I am lucky that I get along with their mom but i love getting advice for others who in the same boat as me

[LCB803]

I agree with so much of the advice shared on this forum, and I thank you all for sharing. It is indeed nice to know we're not alone! I am in a similar situation to many of you-- I'm 7 years younger than my fiancé, he has two boys, 5 and 9. I have been involved with him since they were 2 and 6 yrs (although I didn't meet them until we'd been dating 9 months, just before their 3rd and 7th birthdays). All of my friends are either still single or newly married; a few of them have infants. But I am definitely all alone within my social circle when it comes to dealing with kids (Potty training! Tantrums! School struggles! Sleep schedules!), let alone dealing with a difficult ex-wife!

 

To anyone struggling with the many challenges faced by women in our situation, I also recommend prayer, but also counseling. Not only does it keep you from wearing out friends and family with your "drama", but think about how much emotion and stress surrounds us in this powerless position that we are in. It really helps to have someone to process it all with, someone who offers an accurate perspective of what's really going on, and who is able to remind us dispassionately about what's really important. Of course, my fiancé is my best friend and my rock, I talk to him about everything; but the things that his ex-wife does to him, to me, and to his kids--and our powerlessness to change any of it--are just as upsetting to him, so I no longer vent to him about it, and when we do talk about some unreasonable or upsetting thing that's happened, I try to stay very matter-of-fact, or I just listen and keep my comments to myself. Otherwise, we both just end up upset and frustrated.

 

The best summary of consolidated advice I can offer you is gathered from nearly two years of sessions with a wonderful counselor whom I credit with saving my sanity (and, probably, our relationship). It's just within the last 6 mo. or so that I finally began to really believe these things, really live them. But that's just the way it goes I suppose... Anyhow, here's my mini-mantra, I hope it resonates with some of you:

 

How do I want to invest my resources-- my time, money, and effort? Worrying about what she says and does is a bad investment. She does not order her world according to logic, the way I do; she organizes her world according to what is best for her. Therefore, I can NEVER understand the why's and the wherefore's; no amount of my resources--my time, money or energy--can change her priorities or affect her parenting. I have to stop trying. NOTHING  I do can shape or change how she behaves towards us or the kids. I can only control my reaction to her and what goes on in our house.

 

Also remember that there can only be a fight if both sides engage. Someone has to get out of the way. Be that person/couple, and you will remove the ridge and find more tranquility than conflict.

 

Divorce means accepting that your kids/step-kids won't have the life you would've wanted them to have (or, the life they should or could have). It's sad, but so long as you're not compromising on your "A priorities"-- the non-negotiable "red lines" in the sand that you will fight for/against regardless, e.g., schooling, day care providers, medical care, etc.-- then trust me; removing the ridge will save your sanity and help free up precious resources that your kids/step-kids need from you.  Divert the time, money and energy spent fighting/worrying/stressing towards things you can control: 1) your reactions; and 2) how the kids are raised while under your roof.  Draw them in to you/your home with your love, don't pull them away from the other parent's influence. Lead by example. One day they will realize that what they are hearing doesn't match with what they experience when they are with you. When one parent is a bad egg, it's a truth they can only arrive at on their own, or else you are doing just as much damage as the other parent. It may take 20 years, but it all goes in-- everything you do for your step-children makes a difference, but it's a marathon, not a race. Show them that another way exists, another window to the world, and let them decide.

 

People were telling me these things for years, but I had to arrive at true inner peace with the situation in my own time. I'm sure it will be the same for many of you, but I can't resist trying to save you at least some gray hairs and wrinkles! So good luck, God bless you all for the difficult position you've willingly undertaken, and here's to good investments!

[LCB803]

Originally Posted by sswed13 

 

Hi everyone!

 

So happy to have found this forum, didnt even know it existed. My FI is 39, and I'm 28. He has a 7 yr old son who I adore. I always knew I wanted kids, and we plan on having our own as well. We are excited to be including his son in our wedding, and I am always amused that he always asks if we're married yet. 

I look forward to sharing stories with everyone and welcome any advice.

 

 

 

That's so funny-- my fiance's boys, 5 and 9, do the same thing! It took awhile for the 5-year-old in particular to get the difference between "engaged" and "married" Congratulations, and good luck!