Groomsmen are getting iffy about showing up...

abbyful · February 4, 2011

My fiance has 3 friends that all said "yes" months ago to being groomsmen for our destination wedding.

Now that it's getting closer and we're sending them hotel info and all that jazz, they seem to be getting iffy about going because of airline cost. They knew from the start it was a destination wedding, why did they agree if they were unsure?!

Anybody dealt with this? It sucks because we were gearing up to order the groomsmen's gifts and shirts and everything. I guess I'm glad we didn't order them yet!

I told my fiance we can offer to pay for a night's hotel stay for each of them to ease their financial burden a little. We don't have enough money to pay for all their travel costs. And it's not like they even have to pay for tuxes, we're just doing khakis and linen shirts. They can wear khakis they already own, the shirt is the only new attire.

We may even offer to pay for the shirts. Is it rude to give them a deadline, like "we need to know by April 1 if you'll be there or not"?

Maritza919 · February 4, 2011

Definitely tricky when it comes to dw. My feeling is if they want to be there they will. And I think too that maybe it is a financial burden for them and theYd really like to go it's a hard decision. I'm trying to give my guests at least a year in advance. You can only do and please so many. It is your special day but you want to make everyone happy. One of the joys of a dw ( jk) hope it all works out.

summafool1 · February 4, 2011

I would say a deadline is definitely ok to give...and i agree if they want to be there they will....but either way its ur day and im sure u will have many loved ones there and you will have the time of ur life! i mean u are marrying the love of ur life! so dont stress!

MDLady · February 4, 2011

It is absolutely reasonable to give a deadline. You need to know who will be in your wedding party, especially if you are ordering shirts and gifts. That's really crappy that they are doing so but your fiance needs to get a commitment from them. This seems to be a very common problem with DWs, and understandably so considering the cost/time that it requires. I just think it's very rude to keep the bride&groom in limbo. I don't think it's rude to ask at all.

nsousa · February 15, 2011

It's such a huge disappointment to be let down by your wedding party, but I'm afraid it happens all the time with DWs.

Did you try booking their travel as a package? I found that booking air & hotel together saved my guests hundreds of dollars. I spent so much time trying to get everyone better travel rates and convincing them to change their minds, but then I finally gave up when I realized I was just wasting my time and had more important things to worry about.

You can give them a deadline -- and then hunt them down for a final answer -- but you'll probably still get dodged by those who just can't man up to tell you they have no intentions of coming. And then there will be those who miraculously figure out a way to afford it at the 11th hour. Those who want to will manage to find a way. Those who won't will not be intimidated by your deadlines or pleas, unfortunately.

Just chalk it up - and accept that your groomsman to bridesmaid ratio will probably be uneven. Which is totally ok, by the way. Easy and breezy. Don't sweat it. Your day will still be beautiful and special without them!