Paranoid or Gut Instinct? FI's female bff (updated)

[lovepea]

This story sounds so much like something my future SIL went through with her wedding last year!  I'd love to know how things are going.  I know that I would not have been as good as you, to tell FI that he could invite her if he wanted to.  The outcome was good for you, but I don't know if I'd take that chance! 

 

You're a good person!

[Vettiebean]

Awww ladies, thanks for the love and support! I didn't feel like a good person going through it all though. I felt paranoid and crazy and as though I was overreacting or jealous or reading into things too much... lol I felt a lot of guilt because I knew I was the reason for their distance and they'd been friends for a long time. But, having said all that, I also knew that it had to be HIS decision. I would rather take a chance that she'd be there than risk that he'd hold some sort of bitterness or resentment. It's a way for me to show him I trust, love, and respect him, too. It's our wedding, not just mine. Don't get me wrong though, we all know I'm happy she's not invited! lol I guess in the end, my telling him to invite her, and him not inviting her, was our way of showing each other that we're taking each other into consideration and the most important person to one another.

 

To update you wonderful ladies though, the trip was... interesting. She had been planning to go, but backed out at the last minute. I didn't know about any of this until the second night (of 3 days). From what I know, they rarely talk on the phone, but she's still psycho. She sent him a picture text/MMS the other day with like an entire PARAGRAPH caption. Ah... and my fiance has apparently refused to give her our new address. That's a plus--no more phallic themed cards in my mailbox! lol

 

And in case you're curious, (because I sure would be!), FI and I regularly hold/text for/call for each other when the other person is driving. Incoming text while he's driving... "Hey babe... um... [insert name] is sending you a picture text." He told me to open it. His reply was "Ha. thanks!" I'm sure he wants to still have some sort of cordial, scaled back friendship with her, and that's fine by me. Boundaries just need to be carved into the ground with tree trunks to ensure their presence! 

 

We are having our legal marriage at the courthouse, the wedding in mexico, and then the reception in houston. This broad isn't invited to ANY of it. I feel like I should be petting a hairless white kitten on my lap right now like all evil villains haha Oh well.... I shouldn't feel too bad, I guess.

 

[JQLong]

Great that thing worked out.  That is your BABE!

[Janet1480]

Everything works out the way its supposed to and sometimes we learn how much our men love us in these kinds of situations...they are not fun situations but great reminders
 

Originally Posted by Vettiebean 

Awww ladies, thanks for the love and support! I didn't feel like a good person going through it all though. I felt paranoid and crazy and as though I was overreacting or jealous or reading into things too much... lol I felt a lot of guilt because I knew I was the reason for their distance and they'd been friends for a long time. But, having said all that, I also knew that it had to be HIS decision. I would rather take a chance that she'd be there than risk that he'd hold some sort of bitterness or resentment. It's a way for me to show him I trust, love, and respect him, too. It's our wedding, not just mine. Don't get me wrong though, we all know I'm happy she's not invited! lol I guess in the end, my telling him to invite her, and him not inviting her, was our way of showing each other that we're taking each other into consideration and the most important person to one another.

 

To update you wonderful ladies though, the trip was... interesting. She had been planning to go, but backed out at the last minute. I didn't know about any of this until the second night (of 3 days). From what I know, they rarely talk on the phone, but she's still psycho. She sent him a picture text/MMS the other day with like an entire PARAGRAPH caption. Ah... and my fiance has apparently refused to give her our new address. That's a plus--no more phallic themed cards in my mailbox! lol

 

And in case you're curious, (because I sure would be!), FI and I regularly hold/text for/call for each other when the other person is driving. Incoming text while he's driving... "Hey babe... um... [insert name] is sending you a picture text." He told me to open it. His reply was "Ha. thanks!" I'm sure he wants to still have some sort of cordial, scaled back friendship with her, and that's fine by me. Boundaries just need to be carved into the ground with tree trunks to ensure their presence! 

 

We are having our legal marriage at the courthouse, the wedding in mexico, and then the reception in houston. This broad isn't invited to ANY of it. I feel like I should be petting a hairless white kitten on my lap right now like all evil villains haha Oh well.... I shouldn't feel too bad, I guess.

 

 

[Vettiebean]

Well... I think we finally put an end to that whole mess.  Long story short. A very inappropriate message, IMHO, was sent at an unsavory hour. Seedy, questionable behavior no longer tolerated.

 

Opinions were expressed, words were exchanged, and all's good in the world. Can't say I didn't give it every shot in the world and wasn't understanding. Don't think we'll be having this issue anymore, though.

[elisamarie]

Glad everything worked out, but really part of me feels a little sorry for this girl because she obviously is delusional about the relationship between her and your fiance. This is probably devastating for her but at the same time I think it's time your fiance cuts her out of your lives completely since she is not in this for a friendship. Who hasn't at one point liked someone who didn't like them back? It's tough but this girl really needs a reality check. I hope she moves on and that you and your fiance have all the best! Good luck!

[kymish]

im so glad it worked out for you !!!  good for you for saying something and giving your FI the choice of inviting her.. wash your hands of that girl ! some ppl just have no class..

Originally Posted by Vettiebean 

Well... I think we finally put an end to that whole mess.  Long story short. A very inappropriate message, IMHO, was sent at an unsavory hour. Seedy, questionable behavior no longer tolerated.

 

Opinions were expressed, words were exchanged, and all's good in the world. Can't say I didn't give it every shot in the world and wasn't understanding. Don't think we'll be having this issue anymore, though.

 

[Vettiebean]

@elisamarie - THANKS!!! Btw I love your dogs! But I agree... I actually feel for this girl. And, I even told her that. But I just can't keep dealing with her for the rest of our lives together. I gave her a chance to explain herself, and she couldn't other than to say she missed my fiance and wanted to be able to run to him like old times... etc etc. Nothing good.

 

@kymish - Thank you! I wanted to give them every chance and fair opportunity in the world. It's not like I flipped out after the first or second or third occurrence... it's been months of dealing with her drama and I'm so over it. lol

[prettypigpig]

hmmm ok here are my thoughts...

I have a lot of admirers (aka males friends), some we dated or/and engaged, some we are friends since teenagers...in fact I don't really have girls as friends.

1) She definitely LOVES/ LIKES/FANCIES your man. and thinks he too shares the same feeling.

2) Your man must shared the same feeling sometimes in his past.  No man would cuddle and kiss and answer to calls/ text/ phone date if they are not interested.  If he said he never saw it this way, then he must be a closet gay or a liar.

3) Better be mean than be sorry! Like chinese saying, empathy to your enemies is cruelty to yourself.  My hubby got used to my male BFFFFFFs because he knows that I don't have any female friends...and somehow he understands my admirers, but I basically eliminated all his female BFFFFFFs except 2 (one was his first gf).  If I don't feel comfy, s/he is out and off of his friends' list.  I draw my line on the sand during our earlier days, it is my way or no way.  It is ok to be bold and direct.

4) Coming from the other side, one of my ex was dating a girl and kept telling her I am his bfffffff....I was pretty much just a good friend after we broke up.  One day, we went for brunch, after a few mimosa, I told her that she got a nice deal, if he wants me back, I would go back with him asap (I said it as a joke), but he took it very seriously...he dumped her on the spot! the chick went into tears..and I was in shock and very guilty.  Yes, we were engaged twice, he is still my bfff, and we still say love u once in a while.  We were too young and the timing was always wrong (and eventually we accepted it, sometimes something is not meant to be).  However, we don't text at 2 am, and phone date....and forget cuddle and pecks!

[Vettiebean]

LOL You crack me up, Bonnie!

 

There's a whoooole conversation (series of them) which occurred right before I put an end to that batty woman's ties to my man. I'll have to message it to you.

 

I think while he may not have been attracted to her, that he did have a deep emotional connection with her which filled his void of a relationship. He was single for 8 years before we met, so I think during all that time because he didn't have a gf, she kinda took the place of one, but without the lustful attraction.

 

I think giving her a shot to continue the friendship until SHE screwed up was still best. I have a clean conscience and let her make herself look bad.

 

And your last point - I def agree. You can love someone from your past accepting that they are part of your HISTORY and PAST for a reason. You DON'T keep that (&%$ going in present day and at 3am!!! lol

 

I was able to be very honest with her and explain things to her so that she was clear about my perspective and explain what she was doing wrong (in my opinion, wrong)... I also took it upon myself to explain a few other things... (mwuahaha!) jk jk lol... maybe.

 

 

Originally Posted by prettypigpig 

hmmm ok here are my thoughts...

I have a lot of admirers (aka males friends), some we dated or/and engaged, some we are friends since teenagers...in fact I don't really have girls as friends.

1) She definitely LOVES/ LIKES/FANCIES your man. and thinks he too shares the same feeling.

2) Your man must shared the same feeling sometimes in his past.  No man would cuddle and kiss and answer to calls/ text/ phone date if they are not interested.  If he said he never saw it this way, then he must be a closet gay or a liar.

3) Better be mean than be sorry! Like chinese saying, empathy to your enemies is cruelty to yourself.  My hubby got used to my male BFFFFFFs because he knows that I don't have any female friends...and somehow he understands my admirers, but I basically eliminated all his female BFFFFFFs except 2 (one was his first gf).  If I don't feel comfy, s/he is out and off of his friends' list.  I draw my line on the sand during our earlier days, it is my way or no way.  It is ok to be bold and direct.

4) Coming from the other side, one of my ex was dating a girl and kept telling her I am his bfffffff....I was pretty much just a good friend after we broke up.  One day, we went for brunch, after a few mimosa, I told her that she got a nice deal, if he wants me back, I would go back with him asap (I said it as a joke), but he took it very seriously...he dumped her on the spot! the chick went into tears..and I was in shock and very guilty.  Yes, we were engaged twice, he is still my bfff, and we still say love u once in a while.  We were too young and the timing was always wrong (and eventually we accepted it, sometimes something is not meant to be).  However, we don't text at 2 am, and phone date....and forget cuddle and pecks!