Paranoid or Gut Instinct? FI's female bff (updated)

[Vettiebean]

Hey everyone! So I need suggestions, input, thoughts, opinions, etc. This is probably going to be a little long, so get comfy! 

 

Okay, so Fi has several female good friends/best friends. I'm completely fine with this. I've met most of his close female friends, and I've even met a girl he thought he was going to marry at one point. They are still great friends, and she and I have actually become good friends, too. She's a total sweetheart and is invited to our DW. 

 

On the other hand, is FI's BFFFFF (ok, overboard on the F's, but you get the picture). He swears he's never had any feelings for her, and I totally believe him. I don't, for a second, second guess him or what he tells me. To quote him, "OMG, I have NEVER seen her like that! I've never wanted to sleep with her, not even when I was desperate!" I do, however, feel she harbors ill feelings for me and has more than platonic feelings for him. Why, you ask? Here goes... 

 

Where to start? She sends him love letters and cards and emails. Phallic themed cards that say, verbatim, "I saw this card and thought of you! ....And, OMG, I miss and love and adore you like crazy. We really need a phone date soon." She tells him she loves him nonstop and misses him like crazy. Okay, well a bunch of our platonic friends of opposite sex say "love ya!"... but not all the time and not on phallic themed cards and not at the end of every conversation. We're not talking lil notes, either. We're talking multiple page emails which end in about five X's and five O's. Oh, she also invited/asked him to go on vacation with her and there was no mention of me in that little invite. Actually, I think she only asks about me to make sure her competition is still in the picture (mostly before he put a ring on it), now she doesn't ask about me at all. Nevermind that she didn't ask how I was during my hospital stays.. but oh, boy. Was she blowin up his phone when she needed him for her "issues". "I need you right now." 

 

Oh, and then there are the habitual late night calls. She used to call, like clockwork, between the hours of 12-4am (Pacific time, she's like three hours ahead of us time zone wise). Why was she calling? "just to talk" Okay, even if you argue, "well that's how their relationship has been for years." Okay, but should it continue to be like that for years? I have several close friends, some of the opposite sex, but once they know I'm in a serious relationship, unless someone is going through a crisis, there are no late night calls or inappropriate activity. There's not even questionable activity! So, we've got late night calls, and let's throw the late night "I love you and miss you" texts in there, too, and then the cards and notes. 

 

At this point, some of you might ask if FI knows how I feel. YES. He absolutely does. We talk about everything. So I expressed how I felt. Why I felt that way, etc. So, he said he didn't think there was any intentional inappropriate action on her part. But if it ever seemed like there was, he would put a stop to that and drastically change the parameters of their relationship/friendship. I was happy with that response. BUT. He was just so oblivious to all my points until I pointed them out. It was simply that he hadn't thought about it from my point of view. I should also note that I would never, ever forbid him from seeing friends. I'd never purposely make him choose, and I could never ask him to stop being friends with her. I just don't think it's right for me to tell him what to do, even if it bugs me. I trust him; it's her I don't trust. 

 

He pointed out that I have close friends, and that one of my good friends used to like me. I told him that was different. He asked how. Simple. I HAVE NEVER SHARED MY BED AND CUDDLED WITH THIS FRIEND. HE HAS WITH HER. They didn't have sex, but they would hold each other, cuddle each other, and sleep together in the same bed. And they'd kiss (peck) on the lips. Um... I dunno any straight male "friends" that have done that with me that didn't wanna sleep with me. None of my friends call me late at night. None of them invite me on vacation without him. None of them tell me over and over again they love me and miss me. 

 

In my opinion, she has feelings for him. At the very least, I feel her actions are inappropriate. And once he met me and things got serious, i think she began to get scared she'd lose him. Like, she prob thought she'd always be his No. 1 girl and now that things have changed, she's realizing the ship has gone and sailed, and she's trying to call it back to port.  

 

So, am I overreacting? Am I being paranoid over nothing? And, I'm sure many of you are wondering... I am NOT exaggerating with any comments, statements, figures, numbers, times, etc. Those quotations are verbatim. If I say she calls at two, she calls and leaves vm, and texts, at 2:00am. 

 

After the last time I pointed all of this out to FI, he was kind of shocked as though something had finally clicked. He kept saying he never saw it that way, never thought of it that way. I sense that he has since distanced himself from her a bit. So, what brings me to start this thread? 

 

FI sent me his guest list for DW. She wasn't on it. I'm positive it's because he knows how I feel. Don't get me wrong. I absolutely love and appreciate he is taking my feelings and the situation into consideration. Most people would be thrilled. Me? I feel guilty. I want him to be happy as it's his day, too. Do I want her there? I don't think so. I am afraid I'd feel irritated or bothered at my own DW. But, if it's important to him, then I want him to be happy. And, i love him and I see the effort he's been making, so maybe I should reciprocate. Hold out the olive branch and tell him to invite her. (unless she crosses a line and forces me to beat her with said olive branch) So, should I bring up the guest list to him and tell him to invite her?

 

Thoughts, opinions, all appreciated. Thanks! 

[clgriffi7]

I would definitely talk to him and let him know that you really appreciate the gesture.  I would also tell him that it is his wedding as well and he should have one of his best friends there (or at least invite her - best case is she might find an excuse to not be there if she is really upset about the ship having sailed).  I think it will be a great way to start your marraige that he was willing to leave her off the list for you and that you are willing to have her on the list for him.

 

Now that you have made him aware of her inappropriate communication, I really think things will get better as he will not unintentionally give her hope. 

[rpingree001]

She is absolutely being inappropriate.  Friendships change when you get into a serious relationship with someone and I would say the fact your getting married makes it serious enough.  She needs to respect your relationship by backing off and not acting like she always did and the fact she doesn't would tell me exactly what it tells you - that she doesn't care and she has the hots for him. 

 

I absolutely wouldn't want her at my wedding as this is your day together and neither of you should feel uncomfortable on your day of celebration. 

 

Guys are so oblivious when it is them.  They never see it because they don't look at the girl that way - they don't understand how it looks to someone else. 

 

I think you are right on track girl!  Good luck!

[mrs*j*2011]

Wow.  She seems to have a screw loose.  Totally inappropriate behavior on her part. 

 

It's a good sign that your FI has started to distance himself from her, based on your feelings about the situation.  And a very nice gesture on his part by not including her on his guest list.  If it were me, I don't honestly know if I'd be able to extend that olive branch and give him the ok to invite her.  It's your day and you don't need to be stressed about her presence at your wedding and how she might act inappropriately while there. 

 

Good luck...sounds like you've got a good guy!

[janette34]

I agree that she is acting very inappropriate.  I understand that you feel guility, but she sounds like she might crack at the wedding so probably best to leave her at home.

[JPenny]

Definitely her behaviour has been inappropriate. However, I completely understand you wanting him to be able to have her at your wedding as she is a close friend of his. My suggestions is tell your FI you appreciate that he is seeing your side of this and that he was willing to not invite her however you realize she is important to him and therefore you think she should be invited. THEN I would have a conversation with the girl. I think you need to sit down with her face to face and talk. Not be catty, but just let her know that you think some of her behaviour is inappropriate. That you realize she is important to your FI so you don't want to get in the way of their friendship but remind her that there are boundaries.

[Vettiebean]

Thanks for the input so far, ladies!!! At least I don't feel like I'm totally paranoid or overreacting. lol I kept thinking to myself, "WTF?! Is this normal?!?!"  I agree with everything you ladies have said! lol @ "screw loose" 

 

I forgot to mention a few little things.

1. I know he's purposely leaving her off the list bc there's no other reason to do this. Her parents are Palace members and have many free weeks to use up! 

2. She asked him to go with her to NYC. Then, some weeks later, she asked him to go with her to a Palace resort!! Said they needed a vacation! lol, that's how I know about #1!!! And nope. I sure wasn't invited! 

3. I tried to reach out before, sending out an email to FI's closest friends/family to show them my Ering. She didn't bother to respond to my email or even bring it up/mention it to FI. She hasn't mentioned anything about the engagement or wedding or ring, except to say (in response to him telling her we're engaged), that "now i've gotta meet this girl." 

 

I am torn on whether or not to tell him to invite her. I won't lie. I don't really want her there. I would probably be irritated. And if she were to do something disrespectful at the resort, I have no qualms with putting her in her place. (FI is the nicer one in our relationship) But, at the same time, I don't want him to feel like I've forbidden him from inviting her somehow. And, if she were to do something out of line, then it would only further my position. It would kinda be like, "yup, told ya so"/nail in the coffin deal. Even though I fear it may make me unhappy, I am currently leaning toward telling him to invite her. I really don't have anything to worry about, it just kinda bugs me as disrespectful on her part. I am trying, verrrry hard, to be the bigger person. Arrrrg... 

 

But yes, FI is a wonderfully considerate man. I lucked out, for sure! 

[Vettiebean]

 

Originally Posted by janette34 

I agree that she is acting very inappropriate.  I understand that you feel guility, but she sounds like she might crack at the wedding so probably best to leave her at home.

 LOL @ she might crack!! 
 

 

Originally Posted by JPenny 

Definitely her behaviour has been inappropriate. However, I completely understand you wanting him to be able to have her at your wedding as she is a close friend of his. My suggestions is tell your FI you appreciate that he is seeing your side of this and that he was willing to not invite her however you realize she is important to him and therefore you think she should be invited. THEN I would have a conversation with the girl. I think you need to sit down with her face to face and talk. Not be catty, but just let her know that you think some of her behaviour is inappropriate. That you realize she is important to your FI so you don't want to get in the way of their friendship but remind her that there are boundaries.

 

Unfortunately, a face to face convo isn't possible. Shortly after FI began to distance himself from her and announced our engagement, she had an anxiety attack and went on a Palace vacay and to seek medical attn for her condition. FI thinks the timing is all coincidental.... just sayin', I disagree! Aside from that though, she also lives a few states away. I dunno that if she's having anxiety issues, i should bring it up with her right now. But, I do think it's a very good idea to speak with her eventually. I have told FI before (our last convo on the matter), that out of respect for him and trust for his decisions and ability to handle his relationships, I'm not going to talk to her about this. That it is his job and right has my fiance and her friend. However, out of respect for ME, he also knows that it's the final straw. She does anything questionable again, I will have that talk with her, no matter the timing. I even specifically stated that this includes answering the phone at 2:00am next time she calls. 

[bmadzia1]

Frankly, leave the guest list the way it is. If not having her nearby bugs you this much, can you imagine how you would feel when she's at ur DW. What if she acts in person the way she does with phone/email etc.  This is a special day for the two of you, and you don't want a third party...  - my 2 cents.

[Vettiebean]

I think if I don't at least talk to FI about it all, I'll feel like something's been left unsettled. And, I definitely don't want to start our marriage and life together as husband and wife like that. 

 

Let's see if I can get some more insight on this from forum ladies. I'll probably try to talk to him soon and then I'll keep you ladies posted on the happenings.