Future Brother and Sister in Law woes....

soontobemrsdow · December 7, 2010

So we've been engaged for about a year and a half. I started out very angry with the situation but now with about 4 weeks to go I'm just so dissapointed that my FI's brother could treat him the way he has through out our engagement.

His brother and his wife had their first child when they were still teenagers. She was 16 he was 18. They got married and had 2 more kids. They've had a tough life and stuggled but have kept they're family strong and are still very much in love. I give them tremendous kuddos for that but ever sicne we got engaged the way I see them has changed greatly.

When we first decided we wanted to go away we wanted to make sure our closest family members could attened because we could not imagine them there without us. His brother inparticular. He assured us him and his wife would be there for sure but their 3 kids were up in the air. Of course my fi wanted his neices and nephew there but knowing they don't have a lot of money was happy that his brother could come.

Everyone booked their vacation and then with like 2-3 weeks before the payment deadline his brother informed us that him and his wife couldn't afford to go anymore. We were obviously sad they couldn't come but since everything had been booked and paid for it was too late and we would just have to deal with it...we knew everyone couldnt be there on our day, we just didnt expect it to be his brother.

We weren't planning on having a Stag & Doe (fundrasing event for your wedding with games, prizes, dancing etc) but his brother and wife insisted on throwing one for us since they couldnt come to the wedding anymore and they wanted to celebrate with us. We reluclenty agreed but when they wanted to throw the party over an hour away from the majority of our family and friends and we said we would only do it if we got to pick a location convient for everyone. They said ok only to back down later saying that we were trying to plan it ourselves without caring about what they wanted and we should just do it ourselves then, leaving us with the whole bill to pay. In the end I'm glad we did it...but still it was a huuuge expensive we weren't ready for at all.

My two best friends surprised me and took me to Vegas for my bacholorette party, so now my MOH has just planned a small get together at her house for a mini party for those who didnt make it to vegas. I wanted my fi to have something big though because I knew he was upset he didn't get anything big so his Best Man is taking him to Niagra Falls. We live in Toronto so it's only 45 minutes away keep in mind, but still a fun place to go. I told my fi brother about it because it's a surprise and he said he's not interested in going because it's too close to Christmas and the money is tight.

I told my fiance to give him the heads up that his brother wouldn't be there and he was so upset, but again...if he doesn't have the money he doesn't have the money.

Did we not just find out they bought a dog for Christmas...I don't know how much dogs are but they aren't cheap! They are also planning a mini getaway or something for the 2 of them with hotels and dinners and what not.

I mean it's one thing after another and they don't seem to care at all that they are hurting him and it makes me not want to be around them. We live pretty far away from each other and only see each other a few times a year but with Christmas so close we will probably see them before the wedding and I just don't know if I can hold my tounge any longer about the way they've just tossed him aside. I've told my fiance I think he should just go without me this year because I truly do not want to see them after everything that's happend over the past year.

I just feel so hopeless about the whole situation and worry I'll never look at them the same ever again.

islandbride8 · December 7, 2010

Tough situation! I can definately understand where you are coming from. My fi whole family is a little different and don't seem to get how their actions/words can effect others! My fi's mom said she'd like to come to the wedding and could get enough money together by the time we go, but she doesn't want to deal with the hassel of getting a passport and making reservations (i know this would be back breaking work). I feel like he gets passed up all the time and I can see that it hurts him no mater what he says. For his sister's birthday she got two cakes (mom baked one and cousin bought one), for billy's birthday his mom didn't even make him dinner. It makes me so mad and I express my feelings to him, but then he gets upset with me. It breaks my heart to see how he's treated by his family (especially because my family is amazing and he see's that). I don't want to go around them at all and I definately resent them for their behavior. He says that I can never say anything or express my concern because he doesn't want the drama. Just know you aren't alone... It's not an answer but definately an understanding ear

Kristibear · December 8, 2010

Planning a wedding seems to really show you who your true friends are. I always like to think that if something is important to someone, they will go after it and make it happen. I think his brother may be a little jealous, and in his own childish way, they are being difficult to get back at you. Just remember, they will be the ones sitting home during your wedding, while everyone else is celebrating. They will definately see the pictures and the hurt will sting them for missing such an important event. The little getaway they are planning is in lieu of your wedding and their attempt to draw attention to themselves. I would say, do your best to show them it doesn't bother you and hold your head high. Go to the family events and smile, because you are marrying your best friend. If they don't want to be part of it, that's their problem. Hopefully they will give you a nice gift since they can't make the wedding. Even if they don't, just picture how happy you're going to be in your wedding dress. I hope this helps

acireta · December 8, 2010

Finding this out the hard way myself. Well not finding out, but having it confirmed.

Originally Posted by Kristibear

Planning a wedding seems to really show you who your true friends are. I always like to think that if something is important to someone, they will go after it and make it happen.

MrsDow, I'm so sorry this is happening in your family. You and your FI shouldn't have to feel bad for the way you chose to do your wedding. My troubles are with "friends" not family, which makes it a little easier to have it roll off my back. Sometimes.

islandbride8 · December 9, 2010

When one of my aunt's found out i was having a destination wedding she talked all night about how no one will come and she laughed when asked if she would attend! Little does she know I would rather cancel the wedding altogether than to have her there! People (relatives or not) don't think before they speak and we have to rise above this and be the better person!

soontobemrsdow · December 9, 2010

Originally Posted by islandbride8

My fi's mom said she'd like to come to the wedding and could get enough money together by the time we go, but she doesn't want to deal with the hassel of getting a passport and making reservations (i know this would be back breaking work)

Ugh that must be so frustating! I'm not a mother but I do have a nephew and the love I have for him I would bend over backwords to be there and do anything for him, so to hear that his own mother feels hassled to go get her passport for her sons wedding is just beyond belief to me! Hopefully she'll come around and realize what shes saying and how it must make your fi feel and book!

Originally Posted by Kristibear

Planning a wedding seems to really show you who your true friends are. I always like to think that if something is important to someone, they will go after it and make it happen. I think his brother may be a little jealous, and in his own childish way, they are being difficult to get back at you. Just remember, they will be the ones sitting home during your wedding, while everyone else is celebrating. They will definately see the pictures and the hurt will sting them for missing such an important event. The little getaway they are planning is in lieu of your wedding and their attempt to draw attention to themselves. I would say, do your best to show them it doesn't bother you and hold your head high. Go to the family events and smile, because you are marrying your best friend. If they don't want to be part of it, that's their problem. Hopefully they will give you a nice gift since they can't make the wedding. Even if they don't, just picture how happy you're going to be in your wedding dress. I hope this helps

Honestly thank you for everything you said. It makes me put everything into perspective and that all the things they are doing so close to the wedding, all the spending for themselves even though they can't afford anything else...it does make me think they are just trying to tell everyone about how excited they are about their new dog and mini getaway because we are all talking about how we will be away and they wont.

Originally Posted by acireta

My troubles are with "friends" not family, which makes it a little easier to have it roll off my back. Sometimes.

In any situation I understand the frustrations, sometimes friends can be worse though because you don't know exactly hwo to react or what to say to them about it.

Originally Posted by islandbride8

When one of my aunt's found out i was having a destination wedding she talked all night about how no one will come and she laughed when asked if she would attend! Little does she know I would rather cancel the wedding altogether than to have her there! People (relatives or not) don't think before they speak and we have to rise above this and be the better person!

Oh I've been there so many times before! It's like people don't understand how much work you are putting into the wedding and that you are taking the easy way out. My MOH and sister knows how hard I'm working but even my one bridesmaid rarley offers help and when I do she will help but I can tell just by her mannerisms that she doesn't see why I need help when I'm going away to get married. She needs to get her dress altered and she still hasnt done it yet and everytime I ask her, she just shrugs it off and says is it really even that big of a deal? ummm...yes, yes it is. it is my wedding after all.