Difficult parents/relatives

[Majimart]

I have to put in a vent!  My parents and one of my relatives are driving me up a wall.  To make a LONG story short, here it goes:

 

• We announced our engagement in December 2009
• We announced to our close family members and friends were were getting married in Mexico in December 2010
• We sent out Save the Date cards in February
• My parents said that they would not attend, and we did not speak until May 2010
• In August 2010, after other family members applied pressure (assumption on my part) my parents agreed to come
• My parents now want me to invite one of THEIR friends who I haven't seen since I was about 18 (I'm now 34)
• My uncle is threatening not to come (he doesn't know this friend of theirs either) if I don't invite this friend of my parents
• I have told everybody to let me know what they're doing (are they in or are they out) by November 17

 

Seriously, the nerve!  After not even wanting to come to their only daughter's wedding for 7 months, now I'm supposed to invite whoever they want?!!?  Did I mention Save the Date cards were sent in FEBRUARY and invitations (to the same list of people) in May?

 

I think this could be a first:  a wedding that breaks up the family as opposed to bringing us together.  I, for one, would be relieved right now if all of these people decided against coming.  Talk about drama....

 

[Tiffanya21]

Girl, that sounds like alot of drama. I would say, if it means that much to you that your parents and uncle come, just informally invite the friend. It is only 1 more person right? I mean, I definitely see your side of the story and it is a really crappy situation. You just have to decide what means the most to you on your wedding day. I hope things turn out ok for you!

[JanineA]

I have to agree with Tiffanya21! It really depends on how you feel about having your parents and this uncle at the wedding. If you really want them there just keep the peace and invite the person. You don't have to be around that person all night or even pay them attention, let your parents take on the responsibility of keeping that person entertained since they wanted them there in the first place. I hope it all turns out well and good luck!

 

P.S. Have you tried leveling with you parents and just asking what is the reason they find it mandatory for this person to attend? Its their only daughter's wedding they should be trying to make you happy not themselves or this person. 

[~Nicole~]

I think it depends on the details.  Are your parents contributing to the wedding?  I don't know, I live by some important rules to keep drama out.  ie, DH and I pay for everything ourselves, this way we never feel like we "owe" anyone.  So our decisions are ours only. 

 

I'm also pretty stubborn and like to set the standard.  I'd tell my parents that if that was make it or break it for them, well stay home.  I guess its more important than the actual wedding itself.  It sets the tone for the rest of your life too - tells them that you don't put up with crap and you won't let them affect your marriage.  But hey, not everyone is as bitchy as me and not everyone wants to risk their parents not coming to their wedding lol.  I guess I'm just unique.

 

I hope it all works out, which it probably will!  People seem to say and do crazy things when a wedding is being planned.... I don't understand why.

[Majimart]

Thanks for the advice everyone!  I have decided to stand my ground, and not invite these unknown friends of parents. 

 

My fiance and I decided that since we are paying for the wedding, we did the right thing by inviting people who we really wanted there.  There are no "strangers" per se, and it is a small wedding (under 20 people).  It would just be weird and awkward for all of us (minus the parents of course) to have a family of 4 we didn't know well there.  We also don't want to take on the added $100/pp for people we don't know.

 

If my parents don't want to come because of this, oh well.  It's a decision I've made with a clear mind (and much calmer mind than before), and I won't regret it.  I've come to learn that there will ALWAYS be a problem when it comes to my mother...if it wasn't this one, it would have been another one.  Call me a pessimist, but I'm 34, and I have to do things in the way I see right.

 

Thanks again everyone!

[Amanda+Dave]

I am in the same boat as you only it's the FI's parents that are being difficult.

We were at their house for lunch and told them about the wedding plans we had made so far. They knew long before we got engaged that we would be having a DW so that was no shock. We told them we had decided on Costa Rica, in November 2011 and would be renting villas.

She said something about his one aunt (who he has met only a handful of times in his life because she lives in BC).

So they say nothing, then a few hours later call and say they won't be coming to our wedding if his aunt can come and blah blah blah.

So FI hangs up on them.

Then they start e-mailing. Just coming up with excuse after excuse about why they won't come.

So we sent out the invitations a few weeks ago and we got a "yes" reply from them with a deposit.

We still have not seen them since that day, but FI is talking to them on the phone again.

I just wish everyone would understand it is OUR wedding. We are planning this the way we WANT it. I am tired of people being mad because they don't like our decision. We are doing this to make ourselves happy. We get ONE wedding, and we want it to be the way we want it.

Sorry, felt the need to rant as well.

[MrsJones2Be]

I agree with the ladies above! Remember that this is your day! I know the unexpected drama is making your wedding plans sour, but you are in control of your day. The two most important people on that day is you and your groom. Make sure that your excited about it, forget the drama!

[SusanJeff2008]

Wow, that is a lot of Drama! I agree, this day is about you and your FI. Make it clear to everyone that it is your day and whether they take part or not it is their decision but you do not need all of this. They are not in Junior High. Let them decide> I wouldn't worry about it. I have done that in the past for parties and people usually show up and act civil. I told them too much drama for me and they can deal with it and it always seem to work out.

[islandbride8]

I do not think this is a situation where you should compromise.  Obviously your wedding is NOT a priority for them.  Tell them this!  Let them know you are hurt and that they are the one's who hurt you.  I'm boogled that they would do this to you and I don't feel like you should compromise anything to accomodate them.  Good luck!!!

[Majimart]

Update:  Parents and uncle have now cancelled their entire trip!  This must be a blessing in disguise!  I'm also getting emails about how selfish I am, and now my fiance is a "drunk" because we chose an all-inclusive resort, and I have somehow managed to squander my education in this whole process too (?!?).  Apparently we've now ruined our lives completely for not inviting these strangers.

 

Oh dear! 

 

I think I am now happy they are not coming--will be less stressful this way! 

 

This must be the first wedding that breaks up a family rather than bringing them together.  It must be for the best--sometimes things like this happen for a reason.

 

Nevertheless, we fly on Monday!  Can't wait! 

 

Best of luck to everyone else struggling with family issues.  I've learned just to "let it go."