Can't tell my mom I am not having my sister as my MOH

[Amanda+Dave]

So, my mom has always made it known she wanted me and my sister to be each other's MOH. When my sister got married in April, I was the MOH and I did not enjoy it. Every time I tried to get in touch with her to help out or anything, it was like pulling teeth. She doesn't answer her phone, won't return e-mails or texts. It's like she wanted nothing to do with me.

Since she met her now husband, she changed completely. She used to care about her family and talk with my mom all the time. Now, my mom is lucky to hear from her once a week, and that is even rare. She doesn't come to our family functions, because she is always at his.

When I got engaged, it took her SIX days to congratulate me. I called her the next day, texted her the day after and then called her the next two days. If she hadn't called me on the sixth day, I had a prepared speech I was going to leave on her voicemail.

She called me at work and kept hinting at how she wanted me to ask her. When she asked if I had decided anything, I said no. Then she asked me the same thing again.

I was going to bit the bullet and ask her up until it took her six days to congratulate me. That's not the kind of person I want by my side.

I have a friend who is like a sister to me. She is a few years older and babysat me a few times when I was younger. But she has always been in my life and cried more than I did when I got engaged. She is the person who should be my MOH.

When I told my mom I was going to ask her, she hung up on me then refused to answer the phone.

She wrote a letter to me and my sister about being sisters and how it is tearing her up that her only daughters don't really talk.

I was not going to call my sister and told my mom that because I am always the one to try.

So I sent her a text inviting her to our house for thanksgiving. After three days and another message she finally responded saying she already had plans with her brother in law.

In the same message I had asked her to come dress shopping with me and my mom at the end of the month, and she made no mention of it. So I sent her another message asking what about dress shopping. Nothing. So I sent her another one and her response was "let me know what time, the earlier the better." As in she will try to squeeze it in.

This is not who I want as my MOH.

I have wanted to say so much to her for the past year. I let it all slide because she was getting married, and I didn't want to upset her. But now I have had enough. Problem is, I can't get her on the phone or in person to talk to her.

My mom says my sister is going through some stuff. But won't give me any details and keeps trying to guilt me into asking my sister. I don't want to upset my mom because she is already going through a hard time with my Nona who is quickly going downhill to alzheimers.

My mom was here all weekend and I just couldn't bring myself to tell her I made up my mind and I can't change it.

When we did talk about it, she was giving me the "do it for me" "make me happy" speech. 

So frustrated. I don't want to hurt her but this is my wedding.

I do want a relationship with my sister, but I really don't think that asking her to be my MOH will make it better

It would be fake and I am not a fake person.

I think I just need to sit down with her and tell her what my problem is and tell her how she has hurt me which is why I am not going to have her as my MOH. It might make things worse, or it might be a starting point to a real relationship.

Maybe she will realize just how much she has hurt this family and that her actions have consequences. That's her problem, she never thinks about her actions affect others and I have had enough.

Sorry for the long rant I just really needed to vent.

[clgriffi7]

Amanda - I think you are completely doing the right thing.  You cannot allow your mother to guilt you into a relationship with your sister.  If your sister is going through some things, then fair enough, but your sister needs to be the one to tell you what those things are.  I agree that you should sit your sister down first and tell her that you are considering asking your friend to be your MOH because she (your sister) cannot even make time to call you back and only made time for dress shopping after three requests.  That will give your sister the chance to tell you why she hasn't been there for you.  Remind your sister what is expected of a MOH (bridal shower, bachelorette party...) and ask her if she will be able to live up to all of that.  If your sister can't or won't explain her actions and guarantee that it won't continue throughout your wedding planning/event, then you need to tell her your decision is final and then tell your mother.  That way, when you talk to your mother, you will have given your sister the chance to speak up and make amends. 

 

Best of luck. 

[STBMrsBW]

That so sucks! You are so right, you do not want or need your sister as your MOH. But for your mother's sake you have to do something. I have seen this done several times in weddings and my sister even did it. You can have two MOH's. Talk to your friend and see if she would be ok with it. Let her know that you would be naming your sister as an MOH for your mother's peace of mind. I'm sure she already knows the situation and if she is as wonderful of a friend as you've said she should understand and be fine with it. Let her know up front that she and your sister would carry the MOH title but all responsibilities will probably fall on your friend. Then ask your sister to be MOH as well. Let her know up front that you are having two and then the ball is in her court. If she refuses to share the role then you can tell your mom you did try. And if she accepts be sure to lay down the law with her. If you have both of them as MOH's then you are getting your way and your mom is getting hers. Plus you don't have to worry about a flaky MOH. My sister did this after she realized her MOH was a flake but didn't have the heart to cut her from the bridal party. It worked out just fine too. Everyone was happy and my sister, the bride, was stress free.....well, as far as bridal party concerns went. Best of luck!

[Barbaracopeland]

I know this is a few days late, but I say stick to your guns on this one and ask your friend to be your MOH. I just think that you'll regret it in the long run if you do ask your sister and she ends up disappointing you. 

Since you posted this a few days ago, has the situation already been resolved?

[islandbride8]

Any updates???  I can't believe your mom would ask this of you!  like she would rather have the outside world think you're one big happy family and the two of you are bff when she clearly knows you're not.  all i can say is stick to your guns, don't have your sister in the wedding and if anyone complains, be honest and tell them why!

[Amanda+Dave]

 

 

Originally Posted by islandbride8 

 

Any updates???  I can't believe your mom would ask this of you!  like she would rather have the outside world think you're one big happy family and the two of you are bff when she clearly knows you're not.  all i can say is stick to your guns, don't have your sister in the wedding and if anyone complains, be honest and tell them why!

 

I do have an update.

I had wanted to ask my sister to be a bridesmaid in person, because I knew it would lead to an argument but I was running out of time. I had dress shopping appointments for the last weekend in October and had invited my MOH and other bridesmaid, so I needed to let my sister know her role. So as much as I wanted to do it in person, I called her up. First to even find out if she was going to come since I asked her a month in advance and still had not received a reply.

So I say "I really didn't want to do this over the phone, but will you be one of my bridesmaids?"

And then silence, and then she starts yelling saying you are unbelievable and bla bla bla.

She goes on and on about unrelated issues and tells me I was a terrible MOH (which is true ... but again, if I couldn't get a hold of her to ask her what she wanted my help with, I couldn't really help could I?) So then I start telling her my reasons why.

First was that I was going to bight the bullet and do it for mom, but then it took her six days to congratulate me. Six days! And I am her only sibling. And I had called her the next day, texted her the day after that and then called twice more before she finally called.

Then I start talking about we are not close anymore and it seems she just doesn't want to bother with us.

I made some comment about her caring more about her new family, which she repeated on her end and my brother in law started swearing in the background. Saying "give me the f'n phone, I'll set that bitch straight.' The he made a comment about the wedding present we gave them. I told her to tell him to shut the hell up because this wasn't his fight.

She went on a little more then finally hung up.

Then right away she cries to my mom, who she NEVER calls. So when the phone rang a short while later I knew it was my mom. She was mad, started yelling at me. Saying I ruined hte family bla bla bla. (She was upset and didn't really mean that, I don't want anyone to think my mom is a bitch because she is the best mom).

So then my mom wouldn't talk to me, my sister wouldn't talk to me the only person who would was my dad who agreed with me.

He made arrangements for me and my sister to meet with him. So we met in a mall parking lot in my dad's car and my sister yelled and screamed at me for two hours about things that happened 10 years ago, things that weren't even necessarily my fault. It was brutal. I am proud to say that I only yelled once and it was to tell her to stop yelling at me.

So I have not spoken to her since. She did not come dress shopping.

I have not heard back from her about the wedding invitations we sent. 

I have still not received a thank you card from her wedding which was in April!!!!

Nothing.

I invited her here for Christmas, her reply was simply that they would be spending Christmas with his family. No thanks for the invitation. No nothing.

So now I am at the point where I really don't even care if she comes to the wedding. She is being extremely selfish and I do not have time for these stupid games. It would be nice if my only sister was there, but I really don't care.

Sorry for the long rant! But I am just so mad at the whole situation,

[karyan]

What a horror story!!

 

It is so hard when you have a difficult sibling, and even worse when you're Mom pretends that their behaviour is acceptable. I have a similar relationship with my brother (thank god he's not a girl!) and I've just grown sick of trying so hard to make this relationship work. I've tried very hard to have a functioning brother/sister relationship with him, and whenever he acts like a jackass, my mom just says "oh, well that's just him" or "well, you're the mature one of the too, so it's your job to act appropriately". The latest with my family is I haven't been home for X-mas for 4 years (orig from Canada) and we were trying to have a family X-mas with my mom's side of the family so that my grandma (who's 89) could celebrate with everyone. My brother and his new wife (who no one has met and they have been married for 9 months) were planning to attend, but now he's not coming because he has a "DJing gig" on X-mas Eve.......seriously?!?!?!

 

Anyhoo, your sitch is worse because I don't have to ask my bro to be the wedding party!!! 

 

The only advice I can give is that you have to accept the fact that your sister is dysfunctional emotionally, and until she gets her head together you will never have the relationship that you or your mom wants you guys to have. With her attitude she will gradually exclude herself from her family, and have to deal with the consequences when you're parents are no longer around. My bro has had a few moments of insight where he realizes that he's been an ass to the family, but they are few and far between. I also don't think he likes what he sees, and rather then deal with his issues, he just ignores them. 

 

Good luck with the scenario! You've given your sister the olive branch, and if she doesn't organize herself to be a bridesmaid, there's not much you can do. 

[richarsd]

Wow, that's so awful that your sister (and kinda your Mom too) are putting all of this stress and everything on you. I totally think it's awesome that you stuck to your guns!!! This woman, sister or not, certainly has not earned a spot in your wedding party let along being MOH!! It's unfortunate, but just because we have siblings doesn't always mean we're going to like them. And I'm sure this is hard on your Mom but she needs to realize that it's not your responsibility to "bite the bullet" all the time and just be accepting of your sister's crap...it's up to your sister to get her head straight and act like an adult! Goodluck with the wedding from here on out

[islandbride8]

I think you're better off without her.  Sounds like she's under the impression that the whole world revolves around her and that would suck to be around on YOUR day.  I would like to say that she'll realize what she's done and will have to live with that regret, but if she's childish enough to fight about something a DECADE later then I'm not so sure that'll happen.  Just hold your head high and don't let anyone get you down.  Way to go holding your composure while she bit your head off   You're obviously the bigger person here, hopefully you can find some peace in that.  Your wedding will be perfect and you'll be happy she isn't your MOH!

[AfricanVenus]

Amanda+Dave: Not sure if this will mean anything to you, but when human efforts fail, just pray and let it go. Sisters are a great thing when it's good. But when it's bad...My hope is that the rest of your wedding planning will bring more joy to replace the months of heartache.