POLL: What would you do?

[ablj209]

My FI and I were engaged on Christmas 2009.  I have always dreamed of a wedding on a tropical beach so we began planning for Punta Cana for February 2011 in order to allow close friends and family time to save up money and join us.  In May, my dad was taken to the hospital, had emergency surgery, and diagnosed with cancer.  He has since healed from multiple operations, and began 6 months duration of chemotherapy.  His chemo began in August and if he stays on track, will finish in January 2011.  I kept ahead with the planning in the hopes that all would end well and he would be fit for travel come February.  I mailed out the invitations last week and spoke to my mom the other day.  They were very upset that I mailed out the invitations without talking to them first.  They had apparently spoken to the doctors who informed them that there was absolutely no way my dad would be able to travel.  Even if he did finish his chemo in time, his immune systems would still be weakened and he would be very susceptible to infection and the insurance cost would be astronomical.  They have made it clear that they will not be able to attend.  My mom assumed I would go ahead with the trip just as a vacation and then have a ceremony here when we returned.  I can't do this, as it would be a miserable week thinking about what should be happening, especially if there is another wedding taking place that week.

 

Options: 

1) Do a legal day here before we leave and just have immediate family in attendance.  I'm not a fan of this, I feel it would tarnish the whole idea of our wedding on the beach if the actual ceremony already happened at city hall.

 

2) Go ahead with the wedding as planned understanding that my parents will likely disown me (even though we have made it clear that we understand not everyone will be able to attend for various reasons)

 

3) Cancel the destination wedding and have the ceremony the day of our At Home Reception as we already have the venue booked and would just need to add the ceremony.  Our AHR date is April 30th and since we live in Ontario, that early in spring would likely still be cold ~ completely the opposite of a tropical wedding.

 

I'm really not sure which decision would be the best one. 

[Iamalldiva]

Hi Amanda,

I’m so sorry to hear of your father’s diagnosis and wish the best to him and your family…

In regards to what you should do – only you can decide!  I would say do what you and your fiancé TRULY want to do – after all, it is your wedding…  Now, having said that – I think your going to hear grips or feel some sort of way with whatever decision you make.

If you decide to cancel your DW and get married in your hometown, you may harbor a little resentment.  If you continue with your current plans and do the DW you may hear grips from your parents and family.

Option 1 – You could do a legal ceremony in your home time, only tell and have your parents present and continue with your destination wedding.  Doing this allows your parents to be present for your wedding and doesn’t tarnish the idea for your traveling guests, as they would not know.

Option 2 – If this is the wish of you and your fiancé, I say go for it.  As all of us are aware in planning a DW, not everyone will be able to make it.  And especially your parents should understand.

Option 3 – I would only consider this if there is no cancellation fees or cost associated with this.  You also have to think about people that have already booked their travel and consider if they will loose any deposits paid.  Again, is this really what you and your fiancé wish to do?  I only bring that up again as you point out the weather in Ontario in April and it being just the opposite of what you’ve been planning.

I’m sorry you are put in this predicament and have to go through this.  I wish you the best of luck in your decision. Again, I hope your father continues to get his strength and I wish him a speedy recovery!
 

~Q

[hat0112]

Amanda - I'm sorry to here about your Dad.

 

What about just moving the DW to a later date? I know you just sent out invitations, but maybe changing the date to a time when the doctors feel your Dad will be able to travel might be best for everyone.

[Princess402]

I agree with hat0112 - would it be possible to move the DW to a later date? Maybe consult with your dad, and his doctors, and find out when is likely a good time. You could even have it on your AHR date of April 30th if you wanted, and then also move back your AHR. With a reason like this, people would TOTALLY understand!

 

Regardless, I'm so sorry about your dad. This is a really tough situation

[hermosahoops]

I agree. Moving back the date seems like the best plan for your family.

 

You could also get married at home on your AHR date and then do a symbolic ceremony on a beach, with all the trimmings, for your 1 year anniversary. I know it wouldn't be the same as your wedding day, but it could be a nice way to reflect on the year, refocus on your marriage and think about why you married your husband in the first place. And you'd still get to wear a dress on a beach.

[*Karla*]

I don't think any of those are all that great of options.

I agree that with #1, it sort of takes something away from your beach ceremony.

#2 - While our wedding is one of the most important days of our lives, it not worth losing family over.  I know plenty of people get married without their parents present for one reason or another, but if you have a good relationship with them, why put that under unnecessary strain?  If you really think they are going to be that upset by not being there, I would say try to postpone it.

#3- You only get one (first) wedding.  You may always regret not having it on the beach.
 

Originally Posted by hat0112 

Amanda - I'm sorry to here about your Dad.

 

What about just moving the DW to a later date? I know you just sent out invitations, but maybe changing the date to a time when the doctors feel your Dad will be able to travel might be best for everyone.

I agree with this.  Would it be possible to move your date back a few months?  If you have your AHR booked for the end of April, maybe have the DW the week before?  This would give your dad a few more months to recover, and hopefully by able to travel by then.

[ablj209]

Thanks guys! I am going to talk to my mom tonight about this.  From our last conversation, they would be too worried about him getting sick and needing to be rushed back to Canada.  I think it might be several years before they would be willing to take that risk (even when he finishes chemo, there are some further medical issues that would need to be addressed).

 

My mom had mentioned that the beach would be okay if it were just the bride and groom.  Essentially, that is what we are doing. A very small, casual wedding with only a few people (everyone was invited but only 4-5 have expressed interest in attending).  Since the ceremony itself will only be 15 minutes and then just a casual dinner at one of the restaurants, I don't think they will be missing out on any of the formalities normally associated with a big, traditional wedding.

 

The reception in April would be where the formalities come into play.  The speeches, first dance, father/daughter - mother/son dances will all take place then and my parents will be there for this.

 

I know they will be upset at first, but hopefully with time, they'll come around and understand that the beach wedding is what FI and I really want.

 

[ablj209]

Just an update.. I have spoken to my mom a few times about this.  She is starting to come around.. Inititally, she was trying to talk us into doing the legal day, but after considering that we would then be spending several thousand dollars for a "pretend wedding", she has come around.  We have decided that if my dad has finished his treatments, but is still unable to attend, my mom will travel with my aunt - even if it's just for the weekend so that someone from my family will be there.  We are still keeping our fingers crossed that my dad gets better and is able to travel!!!

[msjesslee]

We had our legal ceremony for other reasons at home at our local church. Besides the tip for our Pastor we didn't have any other fees. And it was still special.

If i was going through what you are I'd probably have a small official wedding service with my parents and siblings and continue with my destination wedding.

But only you can really decide on what you want to do.

Best of luck to you and your dad!

 

[loua4]

Wow! I am really sorry about your father.

 

I have to agree with lamalldiva, you have to do what you think is right for you and your FI, but I really like the idea of doing the legal ceremony at home before hand with just your parents. But it is up to you.

 

With us (and i know it is not the same situation) my FI' family is not coming because they cannot afford it and his father has health concerns and is not aloud on a plane, as well one of my brothers cannot afford to come either. So 2 weeks before we leave we are having a legal ceremony at the city hall. It will be really nice and will included them as well. And then everyone that is coming can come and enjoy the week with us and be there at our real wedding ceremony.

 

But in the end it is up to you on what is right.

 

Good luck!!