I don't get my parents but I still love 'em

STBMrsBW · August 13, 2010

Ok, so I have a mom and dad that I love dearly. They are my best friends. I talk to them every single day, usually several times a day. We are very close. I'm not an only child but I am the closest to my parents and I think it is because I was the WORST kid growing up. I did a lot to them, put them thru hell, but I changed 9 years ago when I got pregnant with my son. My parents and I became even closer and we have let the past be the past. Whenever something goes wrong, they need anything, they always call me. Up until 3 years ago I was pretty much single (only one serious relationship in that time) and had all of my free time dedicated to my kids and my parents. Then I met my soul mate and had to make time for him too. They at first were happy for us but at the same time guilt tripped me for not seeing them every day. Now they are ok and over it and we are all peachy. Until we start talking about the wedding.

My brothers and sister are not my bio and neither is my dad. My dad raised me as his own and I feel like he is my bio dad. We are closer than his own kids are to him. My brothers and I aren't that close but we all know if anything is needed we are there. My sister and I are very close, we tell each other everything. My siblings all got married before me (I did get married at 18 but nobody counts it because it was annulled....however you spell that lol) and they all had lovely weddings. My parents paid $2500 for each of my brothers, $2250 was for the rehearsal dinner itself the rest for misc. Now, keep in mind my brothers have another mother who also paid $2500 for each of them and their weddings. My sister who got married last year was given $4000 by my parents and her mom pitched in $6000.

Now we are discussing budget for my wedding. I'm not saying my parents have to pay for it, I told them so. It isn't like we can afford to pay for one, my FH got laid off from his great paying job two years ago and we just got back on our feet. I am grateful for my parents being willing to pay for it and all its the amount that has me bothered.

I don't have any other parents other than my mom and dad. My bio dad is not in my life, long story but he is a really bad guy. My parents always depend on me for everything. When my father was in the hospital with complications from surgery and another time for phnemonia and another time for complications with his cancer treatment it was I who would drive from my house to downtown Charleston to be with them. I live 40 min from there and have two small kids and was single at the time. I was the one who would get their clothes from home, bring them food, take care of their house. I never complained, even when I would only get a couple hours of sleep each night for a week and work a full time job, take care of my little ones, tend to my home and theirs. It was ok, that is what kids are supposed to do, take care of their parents when they are older. I always give and never expect anything in return.

It may sound like I am tooting my own horn but I'm really not, just stating the facts so you know where everything stands. Ok, so we talk about my budget and at first they say $2500. I was crushed. I didn't say anything. They said that is what they gave my brothers so I should be happy. I pleaded my "your my only parents" case and gave them a few days to think. When we revisited the topic they said $3500. I couldn't believe it! They weren't even willing to do for me what they had done for my sister! Yeah, it's only $500 difference but still! I tell them again that I don't have any other parent to contribute and I shouldn't be punished for only having them. I cry, I get angry (they didn't see any of it), I pout. My FH said F it, who cares. He said that it is really messed up that I give my all to them and then the one time I want something from them I'm put on the back burner. I think it is messed up. And its not like my parents aren't well off. They make a LOT of money and my dad saves most of it but does spend some on new toys (I know a lot about their finances because I'm listed as both of their medical POA and their executer of the estate). My parents are only in their 50's too and both work full time so it isn't a loss of income thing. I don't know what is going on with them.

Of course I told my parents how grateful I am for the money and I really am not going to be spending $3500 (its either DIY or inexspensive stuff for the wedding, I'm frugal and I already live in the destination place!) but it is the whole principle.

To top it off my mom and I got into it last week. My FH hasn't gotten the location booked yet and my mom is flipping out. Nobody else can book it, you have to know someone who works for the company to book it, because my FH is the only one friends with the guy. The wedding is 10 months away. She flips on me about it and then begins to attack my FH about slacking on it and I got defensive. She then said "I'm paying for the wedding so do as I say". I was speechless! Now we haven't talked for a week. Her bday is Sunday and I don't want to see her for fear of what she will say to FH. Am I being selfish? I don't think so. Sorry fo the long post!

Norma83 · August 13, 2010

Wow! Ok, this is a tough situation because you would think that your parents would maybe want to contribute more because you have been there for them and are closer to them. I think this budget thing can break your relationship with your parents if it gets out of hand. I know it may be hard but if it were me, I would just accept what they're willing to contribute and leave it at that. It's no good to be upset over money. Yes, the pricipal of the situation sucks but really, is it worth ruining your relationship with your parents? I would say just accept the money and do what you can with it and leave it at that. If your mom wants to comment about how your FH hasn't booked the wedding site yet, then I would tell her nicely to butt out. It really isn't any of her business if she is not paying for your wedding. Yes, she's contributing but it's up to you to decide how you spend that money. If you do see her on Sunday, try to be the bigger person and let it go. Don't let this affect you. This should be a happy time for you!

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I hope that things work out! Good luck!

STBMrsBW · August 14, 2010

Thanks Norma. No, I don't plan on letting this ruin our relationship but it has put a damper on wedding planning. My FH and I had thought of going to Edisto Island to have our dream wedding but with the cost of renting a place out there was way out of our budget that my folks have set. I'm so very blessed that they are even offering money to us, I never expected anything but the whole principle of it is what got me. My father and I are still talking, he tries not to get in the middle of anything, the man is a saint!! I did end up talking to my mother yesterday afternoon, she had told me two weeks ago what she wanted my dad to get her for her bday and he and I were having trouble finding it so I had to call her. Surprisingly she picked up and was nice, not too nice, and all we talked about was what she wanted, no chit chat. I think things will get better but I just hate that this has caused a problem for us. FH and I even considered not having a wedding, just getting our friend to marry us in our backyard, and having a pot luck dinner at my parents house later. But Daddy insists that his little girl have a wedding and says Mom will be fine. You would just think that being I'm the only child she has to plan a wedding with and not have to share with another mother or father she would be more thrilled. She seemed to be before my FH asked my dad for my hand.

You are so right, I so don't need to let any of this bring me down. I'll have to talk to Mom on Sunday, she is planning to go to the Bridal Show with us, and of course I could never live with myself if I missed her bday. I'm sure it will work out.