Am I a bad daughter?

[SonyaR]

My mother and I have always had a "special" relationship where I love her for being my mom and raising me as my father passed away when I was eight but she drives me crazy. She did not make my life easy. She constantly criticized my weight and appearance, is jealous of my relationship with my friends and my FI. etc. I can go on. She is very self-centered and everything is always about her.

 

I live away from her and finally stood up to her years ago and told her if this continued I would no longer visit. She has since changed her attitude and is trying but she still has her moments. When we starting planning our wedding I offered to pay for her to come as she cannot afford it and does not travel. She has gone back and forth in her decision to come and has every excuse in the book from "I have nothing to wear", "I hate not sleeping in my own bed", etc. but when I say to her, "OK then you aren't going to come" she will say "I'm not sure, I'll think about it and let you know" . I've explained to her that I need to now as I have to put her deposit down but she still won't decide. I am OK if she does not come and my impression is that she does not want to really be there.  

 

She has shown very little interest in our wedding and keeps telling me that no one is going to go anyway. The final straw for me was this past weekend when I called to tell her about my dress that I just ordered and in the middle of describing it she cut me off and starting telling me about these spicy sausages she bought. I couldn't believe it and it was there and then I decided I don't want her there and am now trying to encourage her not to come.

 

Am I a bad daughter or am I justified in my thoughts?

 

Sorry for the long vent.

[Banana11]

You are totally justified.  It sounds like it might be better if she isn't there because she won't be able to upset you with all of her complaining and self centered behaivor.  I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

[TheFutureWagners]

I am having HUGE family problems right now too and my mother can be very similar. It can be very hard to handle...

 

I have no solutions but I do feel for you. I'm sorry hunny

[clgriffi7]

You are not being a bad daughter.  You have tried to include her and even offered to pay her way!  If you don't think she really wants to go and you are truly okay with her not being there, then not having her there will help you enjoy your wedding with less stress.  I would just try to give her a deadline ("I have to know tonight") and slightly encourage her to stay home, but in a way that she won't feel like you are uninviting her.  You might not want her at your wedding, but best to not create any extra tension - let her think she is the one deciding.

 

Good luck!  Courtney 

[Norma83]

I agree with Courtney.  I do not think that you are being a bad daughter.  I think she is the one that is being a bad mother.  You are doing all that you can to include her to be a part of your wedding.  You offered to pay her way and she replies with all the negativity.  I say you give her a deadline like Courtney says and be done with it.  I also have a similar situation and it is difficult to deal with but as long as you are at peace with your decision and accept the fact then she may not be there, then that's all that matters.  It's her loss not yours and she is going to have to live with that.  It is unfortunate that it has to be that way but in the end it is probably best and less stress to deal with. 

 

Good luck and I hope all goes well!

[Princess402]

I don't think you are being a bad daughter either. I think you've done everything you can do to try and involve her, and have her be there with you at your wedding. If she's not interested, then she's the one that's going to miss out. The last thing you should be worried about is dragging your mom along on this happy journey in your life. I don't think you should cut her out all together (though of course that's entirely up to you), but I think you are totally justified in not wasting your time on her anymore. Again totally up to you, but I don't know if I would try to convince her not to come, as you may regret that later (and in any case just expend more energy on your mom!) but I think it would be totally fair to say that the ball is in her court now, and you can be done with it - if she wants to step up and be a good mother then she will have to put forth some effort to be there! It may also be time for you to have a talk with her and let her know how her behaviour is making you feel.

[SonyaR]

Thank you ladies for the advice and comments. I was all set to be strong and give her a deadline to decide if she was coming or not and when I spoke with her on the weekend she did a complete turn around and started saying that I am her only daughter and she wants to be there. She also said that she is always negative when it comes to family parties, events and when she goes she ends up having a good time and that she is sure it'll be the same with my wedding and the trip. I am happy that her attitude has suddenly changed and hopes it will not change back next week. I am now going to ask a family friend to share a room with her and once I can get that organized I will tell her I am putting her deposit down and that's it she can't back out.

 

Thanks again for listening and making me feel better. I don't know what I would do without this forum!

[Thomasjsgirl]

And who said miracles don't happen, lol! It sounds like your mom has either had an epiphany, or may-be someone tipped her off that she was hurting you with her behaviour? Either way, the end result is she's acknowledging that she is difficult, and that's a big step right there. Good luck with your planning and I hope she continues on this course, if only for your sake.

[rkingtx]

Totally justified. It's not your job to make your mother happy.