BM Issues

[JulieG]

Please help me figure out what to do. Here is the situation. One of my BM's, a best friend since grade 8 has recently finished university (after a million years in school) and is looking for a job. She booked for my wedding a long time ago, but just with a deposit, the final amount is due August 21. She told me she was coming no matter what. Her husband is from Switzerland and finally got his work visa, so he has a job and is working now. She is not, but is looking. He is paying all the bills. He told me he can no longer come to our wedding but that BM will be there for sure. The day I found out we have enough people to get another free trip (for every 21 guests booked we get a free trip, 21 was our photographer and now we have 51 people coming), she called me crying saying she can't afford to come to the wedding. So, my FH and I offer her this free trip. Well, that weekend we went out, and she wanted to go out for lunch and bought some stuff, and tried to give my sister money for parking. My sister said no, save your money and BM said "I have extra money to spend today". When my sister said this, I was upset. She is a great person and a great friend, do not get me wrong, but that was upsetting to me. I asked her to try to save some of the money, in case everyone does not pay and she said she would try, but did not think she would have any.

 

Well, one of our GM's lost his job. So, we want to split the free trip between the two of them. How do I tell my BM this. Please keep in mind that she has had a year to save. We decided we will just pay half for GM no matter what, but I feel like BM is not trying to save and that upsets me.

 

What would you do if you were me. We can't really afford the extra money to pay for GM, but we want him there, really badly. We want both of them there. I am so stressed about it, I need some feedback on this one.

[Christine]

oh that's a tough one, I would talk to her honestly and explain the situation. Also if she paid a deposit you shouldn't have to give her the entire free trip since she paid part of it.

[boscobel]

Wow, Julie, I am sorry you are going thru this. Like we don't have enough stress as it is, but everything falls on our shoulders. If you have known this friend since 8th grade, how receptive do you think she would be to sit down and talk to her about it? Let her know that it is important to you that she be there, but it is also important that the GM be there as well, so it would help greatly if she could manage to come up with $X towards her trip. Also explain that you would only be helping both friends out, not paying entirely for either. Maybe that would help her to know. (Meaning that you aren't paying fully for him, but only half for her, or whatever)

 

That situation stinks.

[JulieG]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Christine oh that's a tough one, I would talk to her honestly and explain the situation. Also if she paid a deposit you shouldn't have to give her the entire free trip since she paid part of it.

We only had to put down $100 for a deposit for our trip, plus insurance. She will get the credit for $100 cause my grandmother is taking her husband's place (but rooming with my aunt), so that is $200 off the trip. She also paid $105 towards her BM dress and owes another $90 when its ready and will need to get it altered cause she is really short.

[Christine]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Julesr We only had to put down $100 for a deposit for our trip, plus insurance. She will get the credit for $100 cause my grandmother is taking her husband's place (but rooming with my aunt), so that is $200 off the trip. She also paid $105 towards her BM dress and owes another $90 when its ready and will need to get it altered cause she is really short.

well, if it makes you feel better, I had to pay for two of my bm's dresses and anothers trip to San Diego for my bach. party, so I understand, but if its a big deal to you as it was to me to have them there you just have to come to an understanding about how much she will need to pay for the trip and how much you are willing to pay for her.

[TammyB]

Well did you already tell her you would give her the free trip? Because if you did I don't think you can go back on that now. If you didn't tell her, then I would do the 1/2 for BM and other 1/2 for GM. That way it is fair and if she doesn't find a way to save the money then it's on her, it sounds like she almost expects to be helped out now and if that's the case I'd give it all to the GM

[BayBug]

Jules I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I am really frustrated with BM’s right now. Well I only have one, but still. I don’t understand what goes through people’s minds when they agree to be in a wedding and just don’t follow through. I really think you should talk to her and tell her the situation. And if she is not responsive in a positive way then you really need to tell her where you are coming from. Me I wrote mine off, but that is another story!

[JulieG]

Quote:

Originally Posted by TammyB Well did you already tell her you would give her the free trip? Because if you did I don't think you can go back on that now. If you didn't tell her, then I would do the 1/2 for BM and other 1/2 for GM. That way it is fair and if she doesn't find a way to save the money then it's on her, it sounds like she almost expects to be helped out now and if that's the case I'd give it all to the GM

Tammy, I did tell her she could have the free trip, but I told her that we do not get one if 42 people do not pay, so to try to save anyway. But, GM just lost his job. I think she will understand that, but I don't think she will come if she has to save the money. She is so bad with money as well, that I bet she has spent like $300 or so since she told me she could not go. This is what bothers me.

UGHHHH!! I don't know what to do. Thing is GM would never do that, he is saving all his money. He was the only one working, well, his wife works part time, and is in school part time, and they have 2 kids, and he wants to go and is working hard to save all he can. And my BM who has no kids and her husband works full time, and she is totally capable of getting a part time job in the meantime is not saving.

[erik.wade]

To play the devil's advocate, let me give you this:

 

My friend decided to have a DW in Hawaii and at the time I was broke and out of work. I was doing odd things to pay the bills but still barely scraping by. I had a number of months to save, but nothing to really save.

 

I notified him a couple months prior that I simply couldn't afford it and that he should get someone else to take my place. He finally said that he would pay for my plane ticket if I could figure out a hotel arrangement and food.

 

My feeling at the time and dealing with that myself was, "I was having to go out of my way to live on white rice and Ramon noodles just to make him happy and be there for his wedding. Why do I have to pay". I love him like a brother, but at some point I wish he could have stopped to see what his decision for a DW was doing to me. Guilt and an overwheling desire to be there for him no matter what, forced me to go to great lengths including not pay some bills, and hock my camera equipment to cover the trip.

 

My point is that it's very likely that your friends may feel the same way in that you chose the DW and if you want them there bad enough, maybe you should fork over some funds to make it possible. You are quick to point out that she spent money she should be saving, but you forget, that you expect her to change her lifestyle to suit your needs.

 

Everyone gets so absorbed in "their" wedding and the costs "they" have to spend, that we all are often desensitized to what others have to spend to be there too "I paid $30,000 and you are complaining about payinng $2000?" I understand you want your friends and family there, but a part of me feels that it's your responsibility to cover at least half of the cost to ease their expense to be present for your wedding.

 

When Drea and I had our DW, I initially wanted to offer to buy the airfare for those that would be in the wedding. Drea fought me every inch of the way until we settled on, "If you can afford it, great, but if not, you'll see the video and photos. We aren't paying for anyone other than ourselves and we don't expect anyone to pay if they can't afford it."

 

My suggestion is talk to your friend and the person who lost their job and tell them that you understand and you want them to take care of themselves first and foremost. Friends shouldn't be forced to eat rice and ramon and hock their gear to make it to the wedding...

 

Erik

[TATrisha]

Erik, I think that's a great point and along the same lines I was thinking. Although, I still understand why you'd be hurt.