sister problems

[Ashley*]

My sister has been a problem since the day of the engagement...

 

We got engaged on New Years Eve, prior to the proposal my FI contacted my sister and brother-in-law to see if they could come out with us that night (along with all of our other closest friends) my mom even volunteered to bbsit. They declined (which they do all the time lately). After I got engaged, I texted my family, since it was midnight, she replied, "and I found this out by a text?!" No congratulations, no I'm happy for you, nothing.

 

So in March, her son turned 1, we attend everything possible for him and treat him to everything we can. She also recently got a puppy, thus her reasoning for NEVER coming to our house anymore. FYI-we live 1 hour away, same distance each way! We attend everything for her, her family, and her husbands family.

 

So my story continues, after we got engaged she dropped hints like, "we'd really like if you'd get married in this state etc. Since she's never been out of the country. After numerous "hints" I finally told her, "It's my wedding, and this is what we want to do." She told me to not call her, etc. She's my SISTER! WTF.

 

So recently, her husband came and visited us for a local concert. She stayed home. My brother in law had no answers for me other than, you need to talk to her. Why the heck do I need to talk to her?

 

Since then I have emailed her numerous times, ideas for dresses, etc. I've asked her to come up and pick out her dress, with no answer and rude emails.

 

She should be happy for me, and be excited to plan. Should I just drop her? It seems to me she doesn't want to go...

 

Oh and one more thing, she just informed us...she prego, due in December.

 

UGH!

[Thomasjsgirl]

It sounds like there's something going on that she, so far, has refused to reveal. It could be she's jealous or resentful that you're having an exotic DW, or perhaps she's too embarrassed to tell you she can't afford to attend (especially with baby #2 on the way now). It would be good if you could spend some one-on-one time with her to try and get to the bottom of it. If it turns out she just doesn't care enough to be there for you, then definitely move on without her. It's a tough call to make, but you have to live your life, with or without her support and involvement.

[islandbride317]

Girl.....I am ALSO in the middle of some pretty major sister drama right now, so I FEEL Ya, for sure!

 

Long story short, my sister (my only sibling) came to my wedding in Jamaica, but now wants to skip out on my AHR (local reception) for a 13th birthday party -- WTF?! And then she wants to go public and make subtle ignorant comments about me on facebook, too?! Nope, I'm done with her. She's no longer welcome at my party, I took her off my facebook friends list, and I have ZERO intention of calling her for any reason other than if (God forbid) a family emergency would occur.

 

So, my advice: Your sister sounds like mine -- she wants you to be there for her 100% of the time, but is completely unwilling to return the favor to you, so if I were you, I'd cut my losses and start planning your wedding under the assumption that she will NOT be taking part in it.

 

Like a fool, I have been holding out hope that my sister would one day grow up (she's 32 now btw, and I am 30 and it still hasn't happened yet). Only VERY recently (aka this past weekend!) have I decided that SHE DOENSN'T GET TO HURT ME, OR LET ME DOWN ANYMORE!!! My advice for you is that you protect yourself, draw the line, and do the same...

 

Honestly, if my wasn't forced to deal with my sister because we're related by blood, we wouldn't be friends in life, if you know what I mean. You should continue to plan your wedding as if she's not going to be a part of it, and if she comes around and you work things out, you can always try to add her back in at the last minute. I think it would be the easiest, best way to go rather than try to plan everything around her and then she drops out at the last minute and leaves you in a bad spot....

 

Anyway, I'M HERE FOR YOU if you need a sister-venting buddy, for sure! Hope things work out, Ashley!

[jajajaja]

I agree with Lucy- don't email her about the wedding and just send a personal one. Let her know how you feel and how you would like to get together and chat it out. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt- sounds like she has been really unsupportive, but is it unusual for her? Normally has she been a really good sister?

 

But one tiny thing in her defense- we declined a lot of plans with people when we had our puppy (lol- it sounds like I birthed one!) We didn't like leaving him caged up and they have to go to the bathroom a lot so 1 hour each way drive time is 2 hrs plus however long you want to visit. It's hard to plan that with a puppy- at least IMO. I don't even know how it would be if you added kids in the mix.

 

HOWEVER- she still could have been supportive!

[Ashley*]

thanks ladies, for your support, and advice. It's appreciated, and noted.

 

IslandBride~I too, keep holding out, hoping she'll snap out of it and become the way she once used to be. Well at least 2 years ago...before she got married. I'm wondering if she's resentful because I have a great relationship with my FI, and her's she continuously yells at.

 

Rachel~We have dogs, so I don't see a reason for her to not bring him along!

 

Lucy~she's an RN, and her husband has a great job. They have the $$ and my parents have offered to help.

 

I get the feeling that she's really just scared to travel to Mexico without or with her kids & husband.

 

I'm getting resentful & thinking the same as "IslandBride," I wouldn't put up with a friend to treat me this way, how can I be friends with my sister?!

[Sapphire723]

I would call her or visit her and have a talk. Explain that it hurts you that she's acting that way, and ask her if there's anything you can do (besides changing your wedding) to accommodate her as a first time traveler. I would go so far as to give her the story on WHY you want a DW.

 

Then let her know that even though it saddens you greatly that she's refusing to be a part of your big day, you are not willing to put yourself out there to get hurt EVERY TIME you have a wedding thing to attend. If she wants out, that's her choice, but you don't want to keep begging her to join you in activities, no matter how much you love her or want her to be there.

[jk1101]

Sadly, sister issues are all over the place - my sister and I have had issues since I first got engaged. she did not attend my wedding....ignored most events...has distanced herself from our family and just enmeshed herself with her husband and his family. I can't explain her behavior or excuse it. When I tried to talk to her about it she said it was all in MY head. Luckily I have friends who act more like sisters than she does. She is the one that will miss out (as she already has) in the end.

 

I hope it works out for you.

[islandbride317]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ashley* thanks ladies, for your support, and advice. It's appreciated, and noted. IslandBride~I too, keep holding out, hoping she'll snap out of it and become the way she once used to be. Well at least 2 years ago...before she got married. I'm wondering if she's resentful because I have a great relationship with my FI, and her's she continuously yells at. ..... I'm getting resentful & thinking the same as "IslandBride," I wouldn't put up with a friend to treat me this way, how can I be friends with my sister?!

Honey, I know all-too-well what that "waiting for a miracle" feeling is like (aka her snapping out if it!), and sometimes it's an exercise in futility! I'm NOT telling you to give up on her entirely the way I've been driven to in my situation with my own sister, but I just don't want you to put yourself out there and get crushed if/when she doesn't come through for you, is all....

And I'm also there with you that your sister feels resentful because you and your FI share such an amazing relationship, and well, she just doesn't have that with her own husband!

Little side note: My sister's husband (in the 13 years they've been together, although they've only married recently in Dec. 09) has NEVER, EVER attended a single holiday at my parent's home, while my entire family THINKS THE WORLD of my husband!

It's like when we were all kids -- didn't your sister ever get mad if you got a better "present" for Christmas than she did?! Same idea here! You seem happier than her with your man, and she can't be mature enough to accept her own situation for what it is, put that aside, and be DECENT enough to be happy for you the way she OUGHT to be! JUST SHAMEFUL!

And finally, to my comment about how you wouldn't allow your friends to treat you that way, so why is it okay for your sister, right? Bottomline -- it's NOT OKAY!! And when people show you who they *really* are, although it sometimes might hurt like hell, you've just got open your eyes and deal with what you see.

I'll pray that she WAKES UP and starts acting like the sister you deserve!!!

[KaytlinJean]

I am so sorry to hear that your sister is not supportive. My sister and I have never really been close. Every time she comes to visit she has nasty things to say. Honestly I just had to put up boundaries and try to avoid letting her hurt me.

Yes, she is your sister and always will be. That doesn't mean that she should be able to get away with everything. You should tell her that it is hurting you and that you wish she would be there for you through this process.

I am so sorry you are having to worry about this!

[KarenM]

Ashley, I'm so sorry to hear about all the drama w/ your sister. Sadly, I can totally empathize. My sister told me how selfish I was that we were having a DW & that no one (read: our brothers) would be able to afford to come. Well, the parents were helping everyone get there so that wasn't an issue. She didn't come to the wedding & never really congratulated us. No call, card, email or even text. I sent out a link with some pics & she later responded that we looked really happy so I guess that was my congrats. I happen to know that she's miserable in her own life so there's a lot to what the girls here are saying.

 

Just realize it's not about you; it's about her and she's just too self-involved to be able to get over herself. Some people are seriously narcissistic/insecure & just can't really be there for someone else; my sister being one of them. We can't change them, but we can certainly decide how we want to deal (or not deal) with them.

 

Like LeAnne, I would lay it out for her & let her know how you feel. Then you'll have done what you can and the ball will be in her court, so the speak.

 

Good luck with this sticky situation! I wish you all the best!