I don't want my own mother at my wedding....

[atrott]

Sounds horrible but I can explain! First of all, this is the 2nd marriage for both myself and FI. My mother (my father passed away in 1992) was a big part of my first extravaganza. My FI eloped & didn't include any family in his 1st go round. His mother is attending OUR wedding with two of her girlfriends & his father will be bringing his wife.

 

Here's my dilemna, my mother has alzheimers/dementia. She's totally healthy physically, mentally not so much! My brother has nicely volunteered to pay her way to the DR for our wedding in December. While I love the idea of having my family there to be a part of everything, I know that she's going to be completely confused & I'm going to end up spending more time worrying about her than anything & I won't be able to totally relax & enjoy myself. She still lives by herself & is very comfortable in her own surroundings. I just don't think she's going to do well with this kind of trip & I don't trust my brother to babysit her the whole time they're there.

 

So far, I haven't figured out a way to nicely say "I love you but I don't want you at my wedding...." without starting World War III. The upside is that if I tell her, she's going to forger the conversation anyway!

[MysTea]

Quote:

Originally Posted by atrott Sounds horrible but I can explain! First of all, this is the 2nd marriage for both myself and FI. My mother (my father passed away in 1992) was a big part of my first extravaganza. My FI eloped & didn't include any family in his 1st go round. His mother is attending OUR wedding with two of her girlfriends & his father will be bringing his wife. Here's my dilemna, my mother has alzheimers/dementia. She's totally healthy physically, mentally not so much! My brother has nicely volunteered to pay her way to the DR for our wedding in December. While I love the idea of having my family there to be a part of everything, I know that she's going to be completely confused & I'm going to end up spending more time worrying about her than anything & I won't be able to totally relax & enjoy myself. She still lives by herself & is very comfortable in her own surroundings. I just don't think she's going to do well with this kind of trip & I don't trust my brother to babysit her the whole time they're there. So far, I haven't figured out a way to nicely say "I love you but I don't want you at my wedding...." without starting World War III. The upside is that if I tell her, she's going to forger the conversation anyway!

To be honest I think you are thinking about it too much. You said your mom is living by herself, and Im sure there are more than enough people who will be there to see to it that she is "OK' because they too know her medical history. I think it will hurt more that she is not there, and you see all of your FI's parents/family there in support of your big day and Im sure (although this is the second go round) you want your Mom to be there to share in this special event. How long is everyone staying? maybe her stay can be cut short? Will you be more comfortable if your mom is home while everyone is miles and miles away? have you asked her how she felt about the travel/wedding plans? or does she totally not even comprehend? (not sure how severe her illness is).

Not to make you feel guilty but you only have one mom (parent) here with you now and while she is still here I think you will be soo happy that she was here to share in this occasion... I think you should just think about it.....

[Cindy*]

I agree with MysTea, I think you will regret it if your mom is not there. She is your only remaining parent and she wants to be there for you, let her share in your special day. She may forget it afterwards but at least she will always have the pictures of her there with you on your wedding day to help her remember.

 

It is your wedding, I have no doubt that other family and friends will step up to assist your mother if she needs it.

[MrsJones2Be]

I agree with MysTea, I know your worried about her, but thats the only parent you have left. I think that if she doesn't come, when your wedding day comes you may regret it. Just think about it in the long run....

[Sax Lady]

I agree with the ladies. But I work as a music therapist and I see this type of paitients all the time unless her case is severe I think she will be fine and as the ladies already said their will be plenty of family thier where you shouldn't have to take every moment to think about where your mother is. And because she is still at home and espeically if she doesnt have a cna there with her all day I think she will be fine. Also maybe she can have a short trip maybe 2-3 days if someone might be staying a short time. Another thing I would suggest is to talk with her doctor and he can give you some tips and also to make sure she can fly cause you want to make sure before you make any plans that he is allowing her to fly. hope this helps.

[JanineA]

Sorry but I too have to agree with the ladies. My FI's grandmother has dementia and won't be attending the wedding, nor will his grandpa but her disease is not in the early stages, hers is very far along and she gets confused even being in her own environment. She can't be left alone either which is why grandpa will be staying with her. I think if your mom is able to be on her own still she is still in the early stages and like MysTea said many others will be around that know her condition and can assist. It is better to have her there. Good luck!

[jk1101]

Quote:

Originally Posted by atrott Sounds horrible but I can explain! First of all, this is the 2nd marriage for both myself and FI. My mother (my father passed away in 1992) was a big part of my first extravaganza. My FI eloped & didn't include any family in his 1st go round. His mother is attending OUR wedding with two of her girlfriends & his father will be bringing his wife. Here's my dilemna, my mother has alzheimers/dementia. She's totally healthy physically, mentally not so much! My brother has nicely volunteered to pay her way to the DR for our wedding in December. While I love the idea of having my family there to be a part of everything, I know that she's going to be completely confused & I'm going to end up spending more time worrying about her than anything & I won't be able to totally relax & enjoy myself. She still lives by herself & is very comfortable in her own surroundings. I just don't think she's going to do well with this kind of trip & I don't trust my brother to babysit her the whole time they're there. So far, I haven't figured out a way to nicely say "I love you but I don't want you at my wedding...." without starting World War III. The upside is that if I tell her, she's going to forger the conversation anyway!

When I got married the first time, my grandmother had very bad dementia - so bad that the night before my wedding, she told me she couldn't come to my wedding because she was going to "Michele's Wedding". that was me, but she didn't recognize me. At the wedding however, she knew she was at A wedding, My Wedding, and she had a great time, and i was very happy she was there.

but, only you know how your mother is, and who will be there to support her and take care of her while you are all away. does she have a doctor you can speak to about this - about how it will affect her to be taken out of her surroundings? that might give you and your brother a better understanding of what kind of undertaking it will be to take her out of her comfort zone.

good luck with your decision.

[bsf&jpg]

Im sorry about your mothers condition. I feel that she should go and be there with you. For pictures, hugs and kisses.

But other family and friends can help you watch her. They know you will be too busy visiting with everyone. Just maybe have her stay a short period. like 2 or 3 days.

hope it all works out.

[jennster_04]

to be honest if it were up to me , id elope just me and the groom, but he wants family there, so we have just immediate family and friends. Everyones opinons about every detail are just driving me nuts

[atrott]

Thanks for the input girls! It certainly helps to have different viewpoints. I am certainly hoping that my brother decides to just bring her for a few days. We are getting married on Monday, Dec. 6th. I had suggested to him to bring her Saturday through Tuesday so we'll see. She returns to the neurologist in a couple of weeks, I'll definitely talk to him & see what he thinks as well. I feel like I've gotten a huge group hug this afternoon! LOL